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damaged · May 28, 2008, 02:07 PM

He says he loves you and wants to marry you, but then he leaves you... :confused:
Actions speak louder than words!!!

starlite1 · May 28, 2008, 04:15 PM

Hi Damaged,

I know and you are right. That is why I said to him at the last minute-a week and a half before I was to move that I didn't think I could move there/marry him. Then he said 'well I bought the ring, had it for a month, and was going to propose to you in Vegas (which we were going to go on May 9th. He cancelled that at the last minute) and he returned the ring a day and a half after I said what I said to him. He also said that a small part of him had a sigh of relief when he returned it. Then he said that 'who knows, maybe I would have wanted out after a year". I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He truly broke my heart! Friends and family of mine think that he really didn't have a ring; that he was just upset that I backed out... I don't know...

Any thoughts?

JBeaucaire · May 28, 2008, 04:53 PM

I think you're right, we can't know if anything he says is true or not. Neither can you.

This thought spiral is totally not helping, is it?

starlite1 · May 28, 2008, 05:01 PM

Hi JB,

No, it's not - I have always analysed everything he has said starting with when he broke up with me the first time, wondering what is truth or not. And one thing I forget to mention... when we first became more than friends, and we both said that we loved each other, and began dating each other, he started changing (the wall went up, he started to become mentally distant) My God.. what the hell am I doing to myself? You know? I really love this man, but it is so apparent that even though he loves me, I don't think he is 'in love' with me. I don't think he even knows with being 'in love' really means. Again, this man stated that he wants a 'perfect, trouble-free' relationship... I explained that there is no such thing, not with me or anyone else... In the past though, he was so damned charismatic... and I fell real hard...

damaged · May 29, 2008, 05:50 AM

Like JB says, we don't know if anything he says is true.. so the best thing to do is forget about him... It will be hard, I know that for a fact, but you got to do what's best for you.. Leave him behind & don't look back! Take care of u:)

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 06:02 AM

Hi Damaged,

I know. I am really missing him. I was just about to be this man's fiancé (if in fact he was really going to propose), something I wanted for so long, and I ended it this time, out of the blue-we weren't even fighting... It was as if I got cold feet... but I also can tell you, that even though I wanted so much to be with him and that I was overjoyed that he came back after a year and a half, my fear surfaced and I didn't want to keep having him run away... like he has done in the past... Part of me is thinking.. well... maybe he did change for the better?

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 06:21 AM

How is the best way to meet new people? After being hung up on him for 4 years, I really want to meet a nice guy, who will love me and respect me. But, again, I am rusty. I have considered the dating sites, but they seem so cheesy... any suggestions? I know this sounds corny, but I really need to get swept off my feet by someone who is genuine.. I do lack self confidence, I have been to therepy, and nothing seems to help... the therepist said it is because my lack of self esteem and self confidence could very well be contributed to what I was going through with him...

damaged · May 29, 2008, 06:50 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

I was just about to be this man's fiance (if in fact he was really going to propose), something I wanted for so long, and I ended it this time, out of the blue-we weren't even fighting...

I think you ended it because deep down you knew something wasn't right.. Sometimes you got to trust your intuition, (and you did).. Like we all have said, we don't even know if he was really going to propose, so stop questioning your actions, and looking back.. Its time to move forward.. U've been stuck in the same place long enough... That's it.. You chose to end it, it was the right thing to do!.

damaged · May 29, 2008, 07:02 AM

Starlite..
Have you ever heard: " love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it runs away from you...but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulders" (or something like that):D
Well what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't look for love or people... Just work on yourself because you were saying you have low self confidence.. Go out, have fun with your friends, or alone.. Try to be happy with who you are, learn to love your beautiful self, and the rest will come:cool:

kronenc · May 29, 2008, 07:02 AM

Dear Karen, in reading your story, it just jumps out at me... both of you, BOTH of you, are having problems with commitment. Back and forth, back and forth. You want a guarantee about life and so does he. It ain't there, girl, for no-body. My husband, now over 30 years together, and we are both 60 yo. Had some trouble like that initially. We were going to marry, he got cold feet, left, and then came back. My "friends" said, don't take him back, you are crazy... THEY were wrong. My reasoning: if he left and came back, that was a good sign... anybody can leave, but it takes some love to come back. BUT, what we had going for us was that we could talk and talk well about things. I trusted him to talk the truth and he felt the same about me. Our ability to communicate and "keep our own sides of the street clean" kept and keeps us together. We weather storms. It ain't purrrfect, but it is great for me. Forgive me, but I think you both need some deep soul searching and truth between you, not these silly games. I think it a good sign that the guy bought a house. He signed on the line, that is commitment. Now where are you on commitment? I send my best hopes for your soul searching.

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 07:17 AM

Hi Kronenc,

I wish I could trust him. I have no problems committing, it's just he comes into my life, then leaves, then comes in, then leaves. This time, it seems that he was here for the long haul, but so did the other times. I just don't know what to believe from him anymore. It is so mentally draining... I would love nothing more to be in a committed relationship with him... but, if during our ralationship, whether we are married or not, if some hurdles come up, no matter what they are, or of what magnitude, will he be there to work things out, or will he jump ship? I want to feel that he would stay, but.. givin how he has hurt me in the past, even when there were no issues causing him to leave, he left...

talaniman · May 29, 2008, 07:58 AM

Despite the feelings, he gave you a preview of what it would be like in the future, and I am sure you agree, its not pretty.

I'm sort of old school, and don't believe in waiting for someone to get there act together, and I suspect you sort of depended on him, way too much for a happy life, and really think you should learn to love yourself more, and be responsible for your own happiness. Regroup, and get a life that you enjoy without him in it, and some happy healthy guy, will want to share the happiness with you. Then you both can work together to be happy. Sounds so simple and it really is, when you focus on you, and not yoyo guy.

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 08:09 AM

Hi Tal,

I know, yo-yo guy (I like that :-) ) isn't good for me. For once in my life, I have to really focus on me now. As I have said, I have always focused on everyone else (esp. the men in my life, ESPECIALLY yo-you man). I know this is going to be a supid question, Tal, but I am very serious: by me focusing on myself, will someone nice come along? Soon? I want to give my love to someone who deserves it, I want someone to share life with, to be totally comfortable with one another... Someone who appreciates me...

damaged · May 29, 2008, 08:19 AM

I don't think she has commitment issues.. its just that she has given him so many chances and he always ends up leaving... Looking at her situation the best thing to do is run... this guy doesn't deserve any more chances... she has given him one too many..
Starlite you deserve someone so0 much better.. Let it go

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 08:23 AM

Thank you Damaged :-) I appreciate that very much. I hope that someone is out there...

talaniman · May 29, 2008, 08:32 AM

The most attractive females I know are the ones who are doing what they want and don't need anyone to make them happy and enjoy life. Stop and think what kind of man you attract if you depend on them to even have a life? Now what kind of man would you attract if you were strong capable and independent?

I now you sound as if you have a lot of love to give someone, but honestly, give it to yourself first, because its yours, and you deserve it.

Stop and think again about all the men in your life that you have put first and given your all to, Where are they today? More important, where are you?

I make no guarantees, except if you take my suggestion, you'll be ready when the right guy does appear, as the man you want will be attracted by your independence, and love of life. And you'll be healthy enough to know him when he shows up, and never have to settle for yoyo guys again.

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 08:47 AM

Thank you Tal, you are right in everything. The hard thing I have to do is make myself happy, and get more socially involved with family, friends, and really have more confidence in myself. I play guitar and bass, albeit, not very well at all, but I need to dedicate my free time to practice, building myself confidence, and having fun... Maybe a newer more updated hairstyle won't hurt either LOL!

talaniman · May 29, 2008, 09:34 AM

Go for it!

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 10:27 AM

HA! That I will LOL!

starlite1 · May 29, 2008, 11:03 AM

I have no motivation (umpf) though to do anything though. My thoughts are genuine, but a lack confidence in almost everything... ever since I was a child... I have been through therepy, medications (thank God I am off those), but you name it... and nothing, NOTHING, helps me... I always felt that by being with a man, no matter how he treats me... its okay, because at least I am with someone...

At 39 years old... how do I change? I really am broken...