[tracy1966]

I have been reading through some of the threads regarding seeing a married man as I am very confused, alone and fed up. I have been seeing a married man for a few months now, he is someone I knew quite a few years ago and our relationship just took up from where we left off, we get on very well have kissed and cuddled but have not taken it any further yet. He tells me he loves me everyday but I just can not see him leaving his wife and I for one would never ask or demand that of him. I do think of his wife and kids and feel guilty constantly. I am a single mum with children, been on my own for over 10 years and this man is the first I have agreed to allow into my life in all that time, I have had offers in the past but have always refused any relationship. I am feeling so low and lonely as I can only see him for very short periods and I accept this as he has a family but it is getting harder and harder. Please I know some of you will judge me but please try to understand, I am guilty and ashamed and know I must stop this but need some help in doing this. Could someone help me please

[George_1950]

Hi tracy and welcome to AMHD. You are correct, you won't find many friends here! May I suggest a book by Susan Jeffers, I forget the name but will help find it for you. You sound intelligent but just a bit down; work on that esteem, lady. No one knows what he is going to do about his current suggestion; I like 'trust, but verify'. Afford him only a small place in your heart and outlook, while you work on the long-term issues. Get more social and confidant; go out more because loneliness seems to be an issue.

[tracy1966]

Hello and thank you for your reply which I do agree with, have in last couple of weeks been going around friends houses, not exactly out on the razzle but still I am out of the house and socialising, will keep this going any more advice gratefully received, and I was hoping to find some friends not enemies on here please don't judge me too much as I know what I am doing is wrong just need help to sort it

[bushg]

At least you feel guilty that's more than a lot of the cheaters feel, usually they are trying to get ideas on how to make him leave her.

What you don't understand is that you are still alone, with lower self esteem, getting more lonely because now you have to hide a part of your life from the world and possibly from your family and friends. Now you have to lie which isolates you even further.

You know even IF he left her 9 times out of 10 he would cheat on you and in his mind he would have a very good reason for it. You would always be waitng for the ball to drop. Doesn't sound like a very good life to look forward to.

Break up with him and the time you spent cheating, sneaking and daydreaming about him, self improve. Exercise, spend quality time with your kids, take a class, go to church, join a sport, volunteer at a group for abused, battered women and children there are many many things that you can do to bring goodness to your life . Lying, sneaking and cheating is certainly not going to bring you any type of pride or fulfillment. Its up to you.

[talaniman]

I bet you thought him safe, as opposed to taking a chance at being hurt by a single guy. At least you see it's a dead end street, and want to turn it around, and that in itself is refreshing. Stop having sex, and stop seeing him, all together, even to talk. The sooner he is completely out of your life, the quicker you can focus on healing, and regrouping, and putting your life on a healthy path. No Contact, just disappear from his life.

[tracy1966]

'never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs' oh god this has really hit the spot for me, plus all your replies I know I must not see him again just finding it hard that's all and need some support so I don't relent, please help me

[jolienoire]

'never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs' oh god this has really hit the spot for me, plus all your replies i know i must not see him again just finding it hard thats all and need some support so i dont relent, please help me

I have an idea think about your children. Think about How you deserve to be happy . Make yourself your priority. What is it that makes you want to be in this unfulling relationship? You really need to ask that question? Besides love because love isn't enough.



Keep thinking of him as a dead end street. A cul-de sac, You will end up no where. Realize your relationship with this man was a lie. Take it one day at a time. Build up your confidence and self-esteem. Because that is important. Once you realize that you deserve to be with someone who is available. That you will not settle. Then will you understand that you are in control.

[Tribune17]

Hi Tracy,

I hope I can help - I had a similar experience and a couple of my friends did as well. The point here is you should try and see between the lines, love is blind I know, if you have not slept with him it should be easier if not a little harder, women in general go by feeligs so I guess they find it harder to break away once meotionally involved. I think you should take a look at his family how old are the kiddies, will he leave them if they are young answer os probably not if he did then you must say to yourself if he had be that hertless to kids it is possible he could do the same to you. Maybe he is the best guy in the world to you, but you must say to yourself does he say he loves you for the right reasons or to sleep with you etc. You have been on your own for 10 years and are vunerable, you sound a good person so be true to yourself - step back and look at what you want you have not found it so far, so you choose to be in a comofrt zone with an old acquanitance, yet this is more dangerous than meeting and dating a new comer into your life. Be safe and strong tracy - and do the right thing for yourself.

Hope I have given you some help, and don't listen to the dictators on here, they are willing to point the finger and play the judge judy role but they are human beings who make the same mistakes as us all!

[tracy1966]

Thank you tribune, I don't think he will leavve his kids no he has said as much to me really, then in another breath will say that the kids are unhappy with mum and will go with him and that they will lke me, this is of course rubbish I realise that so no he won't leave the kids let alone the wife and as I have said before I would never ask or demand that he did. Yes I agree with the comment about a comfort zone too, I do know him as an old friend and we just drifted into this situation from chatting once a week say to now it being twice a day. This is going to be so hard but I am sure I can get through it with help and advice

[Ash123]

You cannot start the clock on your relationship until he is divorced. That is a minimum of a year. Consider that your time together does not count (even though you are in love) and ask yourself if living in a dream is OK for you - or if you need to wake up.

If he loves you, he will get his life together quick. If not, it's his problem, not yours. Make it HIS issue... You simply cannot wait on a married man. It will only make any future relations worse. If he is balancing two lives - don't get caught up in it... Breath fresh air of your own life - until he can share it. If it is to be, it will be.

But it is NOT your problem until he is legally separated. Then, you can see how complicated it is. And how he handles it. And if your love can survive it.

Sleeping with him would wreck you - so I'd recommend not doing it.

[talaniman]

Maybe its time to love yourself, and do the right things for yourself. We all need love and support, especially when going through some really bad times, and its probably very human to be grateful, when someone has extended us the help, and strength to get through it. Its also human to make a mistake, and get into not healthy situations, before we know it. Cutting off complete contact will hurt like heck, but you will get a very clear view of your own feelings, and be able to cope with them better, because your perspective will be one of reality, and not just feelings. When the emotional dust settles, you will clearly see how important it is to love yourself, and take responsibility for your own happiness. You do deserve to be healthy and happy, but know going in, it's a lot of work, and yes some pain involved, but well worth it to get love for yourself back.

[tracy1966]

Thanks again talaniman for such good words of advice, will try to cut off contact, he is on holiday at moment and am missing him dreadfully but at least it will be one week down, after that I will have to stay strong and perhaps with a bit of help from you and others on here I can get through it, if you don't mind me coming on and airing my feelings. He is always telling me I don't realise how lovely, beautiful etc I am so perhaps I should heed his words and begin to love myself more. I will give it a damn good try

[talaniman]

You are more than welcome, this is a great vent site too! Consider yourself hugged by all of us.

[Ash123]

Try your best Tracy to use this site as a crutch to do the right thing -

Protect yourself.

[starlite1]

Hi Tracy,

We are all here for you. We all have experienced the pain of relationships, and I must say, I found this site the other day as a matter of fact, and I can honestly say, I am feeling better already!

Come back anytime, and talk about it :-)

[f104]

Hi I feel what you are going through. I was involved in a relationship with a married woman 10 years ago and it ended in disaster. There was an abortion involved and a lot of pain all round. I am not going to judge you for something I did. I only hope that you do not get emotionally crushed like I did. Take care and all the best.

[ZigZag07]

I think it would be a better idea to wait and see if he ever does get a divorce? If he really does LOVE you, he wouldn't be with his wife. I know that him having kids makes it even harder, but if he loves you like he says he does why would he still be with his wife you know? Maybe just sit him down and tell him how you feel "listen, your great and you make me happy, but if you love me, whats the deal with you wife?" or something along those lines, tell him how you feel. Good luck!

[talaniman]

I think it would be a better idea to wait and see if he ever does get a divorce?

I disagree with waiting for someone to decide they love you, under all most all circumstances. If they don't know how they feel about you, and its not enough for them to want to be with you, FORGET 'EM.

[ZigZag07]

I disagree with waiting for someone to decide they love you, under all most all circumstances. If they don't know how they feel about you, and its not enough for them to want to be with you, FORGET 'EM.

Well, that is also true. But remember, when someone says they "love" them. Words like that won't matter. They only care about the married person saying they love them. Ya know what I mean? So weather you think that's good or not (not saying your wrong or anything), we have to remember people who think they are love struct think differenctly

[tracy1966]

Hi and thank you all for replies, I am finding this so hard, he has phoned a few times from holiday and I have ignored a few but couldn't last night and answered phone. He is telling me know that he will leave wife and live on his own for a while then we can be together I made no replies to this and didn't give him any indication that I will be waiting for him. I am thinking with my heart but am beginning to think with my head as I know I must. Please stick with me as this is very difficult