[JBeaucaire]

One would HOPE that a marriage is ultimately stronger than any one issue thrown at it.

I really mean that. If my wife were unfaithful to me, I wouldn't leave her. Take it personally? Probably. Be hurt? Definitely! Divorce her? No, I wouldn't even consider it. We promised to try and try and try until death do us part. I actually meant that.

For me, it wasn't "til death do us part unless you do one of the following things...." But, that's me.

Is porn on the computer just the tip of a long list of things he does you consider "I'm leaving" offenses? Is there really more to this?

If not, well, he's your husband, but he's a man. Men are creatures of habit and he has this habit. He can change his habits, but I promise divorce won't accomplish that.

This needs to be a topic of discussion, as calm as you can muster. Perhaps bringing up the sites yourself and leaving them open on the computer so he gets past the idea (when he sees them up) that there is any secrecy here.

And all the other suggestion about addiction groups and counseling, that's fine, if he's at the point where he can admit he's ready to try changing.

The real goal here, I HAVE to believe, is the rekindling of your sexual energy together and fun in your marriage, not simply the elimination of porn. That would be fine, too, it just has to be a side effect, not the goal.

Think about it. Is this really the straw that breaks your camel's back? This is as bad as it can get for you two?

[Ash123]

Not to be a contrarian here, but I am not sure this is a total crisis...your husband has not cheated.

I know you feel like your trust was violated, but this may be resolved with communication.

In fact, I am not sure that you cannot both grow from this, rather than getting pitch fork and torches and running the guy out of town!

He was seeking stimulation. I do not know the details of your intimate life, or how long you have been married, but I would take a breath.
This is not the death nell for you all.

Are the girls minors?
Did he save the content?
Did he create any content?
Is your marriage free of argument and full of intimacy otherwise?
How long have you been married?

A LOT of people look at graphic sites. I understand as you point out, you are not a prude, and the age of the girls was what troubled you.
But this is not perhaps a blow to your marriage - but maybe an opportunity to talk and grow and not feel completely threatened.

Conservative, liberal, young and old... Ideally he could be open about his fantasies, but perhaps a conversation about this rather than tears and flowers can resolve this.

You love this man, right? You all CAN survive this.

Let's talk a bit more about this and see if we can find a sane solution.

[Ash123]

Look forward to hearing from you on this threetimesout..

[Ash123]

I would say you may not be in as bad a spot as you may think.

Start a dialogue.

Note: not that is helps right now, but porn is something many men (and women) access in the internet age from time to time.
It is generally legal and really poses no threat at all (except in cases of online addiction: a replacement for usual sex) in a loving
Relationship.

With that said, trust is important and being respectful of eachother's wishes and insecurities is important.
You must protect that as you (hopefullly) grow together.

Come here with questions as they arise.

[talaniman]

We never have sex

I have to agree with Ash, and JB, as lack of sex in a relationship is usually only a symptom of a bigger problem, that needs to be addressed, unless he has a physical defect, meds, or disability.
You both sound young, how old are you?

[Ash123]

Good point T,

"we never have sex" - That is not a good quote to see.

While I do not consider him a criminal, he may be looking for fantasy and other stimulants that are resting too much on porn and not enough in the bedroom. I hope you all can talk soon and - even with a counselor - and find a trusting way to get back to what I HOPE was once passionate, trusting and uplifting relationship...

[threetimesout]

Ash123... I tried to talk to him.. we are in our late 30's and 7 months ago we already had concerns with his lying. He doesn't have a reason for doing this he says he doesn't know.. I don't know how to repair this when he doesn't have any answers for me.

[threetimesout]

Ash... read below the other questions... mine from 7 months ago is by kamiller... I couldn't remember my password so I changed my screen name to what my relationship seems right now... thank you so much I needed some advice seriously right now

[talaniman]

Kamiller/Oct/07

I kicked him out.

Talaniman's response Oct/07

Keep it that way! Talk without actions mean nothing. He will get his stuff together, or must stay away from you and your daughter. That simple. You may need help getting through this separation, with counseling or family support, or both. Get it, and stay resolved to keeping him out of your life, until he has conquered his demons.

This was my response to the post you mentioned. What has occurred besides the porn since then? I am assuming you kicked him out, but what happening now?
Did you let him back?
Is he still drinking, and being abusive?

[Ash123]

Well, this appears to be a different situation the further we go.


(Unlike a traditional therapy session, the time to get the back story out is often run over online... Often a problem that is listed on here is the "tip of the wedge" and as people grow more comfortable the rest of the story comes out to make it more dimensional and put it all in perspective.)

I just read the words "Drinking" and "Abuse" above in your old post...
Unlike simple porn viewing, those ARE a problem.

Is there any more to share? I also can add "no sex" and "lied to me again" (I thought it was about porn? ) If this is the atmosphere you have been living in, then yes, you DO have a problem. If he is an alcoholic then marriage may be darn near impossible - and even with AA there can be recurrences. Abuse is something I consider a ZERO TOLERANCE rule for. ONE and DONE... If he verbally or physically abused you, then your marriage is likely a job you may not wish to work on.

Standing by for more info.

[threetimesout]

Ash.. he gave up the drinking in and is now just doing it socially... however the past 7 months I though things were back to normal... but I think he traded in the beer for porn.. he called me this morning at work.. he is a trucker on the road and only home every other day and he said his next addiction will be me?? What a thoughtless thing to say. I don't believe him.. and even though I love him (except for this addictions) I can't believe he would do this while trying to work on our past problems... he is lost without me and says I am the most important thing to him... but this doesn't explain the lack of sex in our marriage over the last year and a half... the only thing that explains it is his self gratifying himself with the internet porn.

[Ash123]

You need to trust your gut. It knows.

If think you think you made a mistake marrying this guy. But it's time to dig deep.

If you all have something that was truly GREAT, a counselor can help you get back there. It may not work unless you both can commit your lives to making this work. If it is not 100% he will fail. He has an addictive personality and you are the sufferer.

Time for tough decisions:

- separation
- counseling
- act like all is fine and keep going

And finally, I assume there is no chance of there being another woman... right?

Sorry. I had to ask.

[talaniman]

but this doesn't explain the lack of sex in our marriage over the last year and a half... the only thing that explains it is his self gratifying himself with the Internet porn.

As long as this is how you feel, you will never get to the root cause of YOUR problem, the one he and you must work on together.
He is an addict , and with addicts its not important about the addiction, but what causes the behavior. That is always much deeper than the addiction. If all your worried about is the sex, you will never solve the problem, and he will just find a new addiction, or progress in this one.

You clearly need a professional to guide you both through the process of uncovering the true reason for his behavior. Then you can deal with it effectively.

Stopping him from using the computer, only drives him to other less savory venues.

[threetimesout]

I don't think he has the time for another women... at times I suspected it because of the lying. I even said to him " what is your next addiction going to be?" I am tired of being the sufferer... its the good part of our relationship our times of hanging out together that was good... but it doesn't escape me that his addictions manifest from one thing to another. All I wanted was answers from him about our sex life and it seems to get me no where... he did say he felt fat but I don't think that's good enough because other than a bit of a belly he is not fat. I feel like I'm going in circles.

[threetimesout]

He says he's still sexually attracted to me... but what he says and what he does are two different things... it's not the sex it's the lack of attention or affection. Sure we kiss goodbye when he goes on the road but what I discovered is that he would call me to ask when I was coming home for lunch.. I think it was so he would have enough time to shut down the computer porn so I wouldn't catch him. I believe he was doing this at least every other day and during the weekends when I went to bed... I asked him if he had a problem and he said he did that curiosity took him over and he just kept going from one site to the next. He said for about the last 6 months but I found in the printer back in August 2007 print outs from porn magazines... which even now he denies any knowledge of them... it makes me so mad that he continues to lie about how long this has been going on.. it also makes me mad that he said he just looks.. nothing else... bull!! why come to me when he can take care of himself... why does he continue to lie?

[talaniman]

You have heard this from me before. Cut him out of your life and let him sink on his own.

How old are you both?

[Ash123]

He is living a separate life it appears.

I will repeat myself as Tal did:

You have the following choices:

1- separation
2 - divorce
3- counseling
4- go on like it is now

Your words alone do not seem to be enough for you all now.

[Curlyben]

>THREE threads merged<

[thesorryhusband]

i am stuggling to make a decision about divorsing my husband...it has been a week since i discovered he lied to me once again and has been hiding from me the fact that he sits at the computer when i'm asleep or at work and watches internet porn sites..mostly young teenagers. he has apologized and given me roses and cards to express this. however i don't think i can go on with this marraige even though i do love him because of the disgust and disappointment i feel for him. we never have sex and i am sure this is why. i can't believe he could do this to our marraige. it's not so much the porn...im no prude , its just the fact that it was teenager. do you have any advice

Do you love your husband do you think he could or will change if so give yourselves a chance to try and work things out internet porn is a bad thing it causes many marriages problems I'm sure your husband is really sorry and wishes he never had stayed up when you went to bed if you really love him try to work things out ps good luck and make the right decision

[thesorryhusband]

i was on this site back in sept 2007 when i discovered my husband had lied about where he was. we went to couselling once and she said she couldn't help us because at the time i was very upset. To this day i still don't know why he lied.

We had only got married in november 2005 so i tried again to give our marraige a chance. this past weekend my mom was down visiting and she was on our computer and i noticed the browser history had a few disgusting little porn sites. i didn't realize he was doing this. now it makes sense the totally lack of sex in our relationship...a big past concern...i feel like a failure because we haven't even been married for three years. However if i let this continue his lies will only lead to bigger things i sure.

he didn't obviously learn anything back in sept when i was ready to divorce him for lying to me then. i was able to retreive some of the history on the computer as he said he only did it that one time and he blamed a friend from work. i saw many different days like on the weekends when he isn't tired and i go to bed alone like usual. we have sex maybe once every two months.

It was teenage porn websites. i am truly disgusted and i beleive that explains the no sex in our marraige.

do i even at this point try to salvage this marraige?

I'm sorry what I'm trying to say is maybe your husband has had a problem with porn but by now being caught he has or will stop if you love him try working things out and see if you can't have a happier life together after getting through this bump in the road life is short make the most of it good luck and hope you work it out