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mrchef1110 · May 25, 2008, 04:52 PM

Welll that's kind of what I did but you have to remember not to ask for her to take you back. I did that twice before consulting here for advice. This talk, like I said before, will either give you closure, which is what I think I got even though I'm still hoping for it to work :/, or she will keep you as a possibility. All I have to say is be ready for an interesting day tomorrow.

jrsg · May 25, 2008, 05:08 PM

Ha, an interesting day is an understatment.

So, just to clarify, from what people told me on this thread before, tomorrow in the talk I should:
-Tell her how I feel
-Let her know I am okay with the break up
-Let her know I am okay with being friends
-be calm, take it slow

BUT, I don't ask her back? I can't even say, "do you want to give it another try?" or "are you sure a break up is what you want?" or anything like that? The way she left it was very open, and sudden.

mrchef1110 · May 25, 2008, 05:18 PM

From what I've come to understand she has to bring that up you can't force that upon her. Her mind has had to change from not wanting to hurt you by going back to the other guy to wanting to be with you.

Its kind of like that saying you can't move an elephant unless it wants to be moved

jrsg · May 25, 2008, 05:20 PM

Good point, thanks for the advice.

jrsg · May 25, 2008, 07:32 PM

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now, the next time I check in, it will be after school tomorrow! I will be back, to let you know how the talk went. Hopefully I will have good news, but like mrchef said, I'm not getting my hopes up. I can at least get some closure from this talk.
Can't wait! I will talk to you all tomorrow, and thank you for all the help guys!

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 01:17 PM

Okay... today went well, but I didn't end up talking to her about the break up. Something I have noticed is that I don't have that burning desire to be with her all the time anymore. I think I am finally calming down now, but I still want to talk.

I still have feelings for her, but I am not 'infatuated' with her anymore.

So, I was going to talk to her, but her friends were around, and they wanted to talk, so I didn't pull her away. I will try to talk to her tomorrow, but she really seems to be avoiding the talk. Should I keep trying for the talk (I don't bring it up every minute, or pressure her into it. I have only mentioned it once to her.) OR, should I just give up on closure, and any chance at getting her back.

I still want her back, but I want to hear your opinions on this...

Chery · May 26, 2008, 01:56 PM

So she goes out with him one night (I figured this out the day after.) I also figured out that he kissed her. She told me this, and she told me she backed away, and got mad, and stopped it right away. I didn't react too much because she told me, and I trust her. This guy has also been sending her love letter, begging her to go back to him, so I wasn't surprised when he tried something like that.

A day after she tells me about the incident between her and "John," we see each other in school. It is a normal day, but she has been quiet, and avoiding me since the incident between her and "John."

Could it be that you showed a different impression of how you felt about this in your facial expression?

And yes, be calm, be cool, and don't follow her all around the place. She will only feel guilt (even though in my opinion she has no reason to be because of her age and not needing to promise anyone anything right now).

Stay in the friend zone for now and don't neglect yourself. Go on and make a few new friends and when you do spot her, wave and smile SHOW her that you are still her friend even if she does not want to talk right now. Basic body-language and facial expressions can communicate a lot, so practice in front of a mirror if you have to. Maybe one day soon, she might not be so busy and will be ready to talk again - give her time.

Keep us posted.

With summer break coming along soon, you could text or email her once a week just wishing her a good weekend.

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 02:08 PM

I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT!!
Sorry if I am a little excited, but I may have discovered why the break up happened, thanks to you (Thank you)

She has pointed out that I have weird facial expressions, and what I feel is different from what I physically express. That may be it. I am a little disapointed that she broke up with me before even asking me about how I felt...

Now that I think about it, I was quiet, and didn't say much to her for the rest of the day. I may have really screwed things up with my lack of physical expression skills...

So should I give her space? Now that I know the reason, I feel like the whole break up is just a misunderstanding... she thinks I am broken inside after what she did, but I really am not. Do I tell her this, talk to her about it, or do I leave it? It feels like the relationship is extremely savable right now, after realizing this.

Chery · May 26, 2008, 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

If women get more confusing, I don't know how much more I can take! lol

LOL right back. If I had 5 cents for every time I read or hear this one... or
'' I want him/her back!'' I would be a millionairess right now. And it has nothing to do with your age-group or mine (I'm 57). 99% of all humans go through these emotions and survive, sometimes more than once in their lives. The other percent consist of pimps or worse. So, welcome to the Upper 99% Club!

I promise, it will get easier... one day when you are happy with a family. But, I cannot promise when - nobody can.

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 02:10 PM

I remember the face I made when she told me, I just did it and looked in the mirror, and do I ever look sad with that face... the hardly talking for the rest of the day probably reinforced her idea of me being extremely sad about the situation...

Chery · May 26, 2008, 02:18 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

I remeber the face I made when she told me, I just did it and looked in the mirror, and do I ever look sad with that face... the hardly talking for the rest of the day probably reinforced her idea of me being extremely sad about the situation...

That's what I thought. So, she was not wrong in assuming that she 'hurt' you and you did say that she is young and should think of just having fun right now.. All you have to do is work on your expressions when you say things, especially when people look you in the eyes and see what you really feel. Sometimes we have to practice a lot to prevent from being too open and vulnerable.

So, even though you stated that you did not want to hear it:
You're still young - give yourself time and patience.

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 02:33 PM

Thanks for the help, I really appreciate it...
BUT, I still really want her back.
I know its just high school, and I am not going to get a long term relationship, but I want to be with her as long as I like her.
Its sounds a little selfish, but I feel she likes me back. The only reason she broke up with me is because she "didn't want to hurt me anymore." If I let her know my true feelings, and that I wasn't hurt by the incident with "John," then we can be together again.
Is it okay for me to just let her know how I feel?

Some of you are saying that I should just let her go, she's not worth it... I feel different, and I think she is worth it. I may sound like a crazy person, but I don't care.

I would love to hear your opinions on this. I would especially like to know Chery's opinion...

Chery · May 26, 2008, 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

"You know I like you, so remember that and keep me in line if I overstep my place. Meanwhile, remember you can always rely on me and our friendship which I believe is most important of all. We don't need to be bf/gf but I think we both benefit from having good friends who understand each other. Don't you?"

Sure, you can tell her, but not as a play to get her back. You don't "convince" a girl to like you, she comes to it on her own because you're an awesome bloke.

Friend zone.

This, in my opinion, is the best answer to your most current question whether it's OK to let her know how you feel and want to keep the friendship.. What you do dear, is up to you.

Keep us posted. EDIT: What's important is that you don't bring up the past, no matter what, unless she does.

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 02:44 PM

Thanks Chery, I will take the advice into consideration.

Please know that I really appreciate this advice, but the final decision is my own... I will do some thinking, and let you know what I finally decide to do. I may make a mistake, but I will definitely learn from the mistake. I think this is something that is best learned through expirience.

Please don't feel that I am NOT discounting your advice... it is very appreciated, has made me think more clearly, and I thank you.

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 03:07 PM

My decision making process so far... PLEASE HELP, ADD ON YOUR IDEAS TO THE PRO/CON LIST
DO I...
Tell her I WASN'T really hurt by the incident with "John," and that I still like her. Tell her that there is no reason for her to feel so guilty, as I am not that hurt. Ask her if we can get back together...

PROS:
-She will know how I feel
-She could take me back, we could be together again (ABSOLUTE BEST CASE SCENARIO)
-Even if she turns me down, I feel we could still get along, be friends

CONS:
-She could turn me down
-I make myself vulnerable, put myself out there (I am usually a fairly quiet, nervous person)
-Her knowing I still like her could make future meetings between us awkward
-What if it makes the "friends" thing not work, because every time we talk it is awkward (ABSOLUTE WORST CASE SCENARIO)
-It could scare her away, push her further away, and make getting back together in the future less possible (Pretty bad)

This is what I have so far, please help, and contribute your ideas, it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

As of now, the "She could take me back" pro is a big one... Right now, my decision is to tell her I like her, and ask her back

Chery · May 26, 2008, 03:08 PM

Thanks Chery, I will take the advice into consideration.

Please know that I really appreciate this advice, but the final decision is my own... I will do some thinking, and let you know what I finally decide to do. I may make a mistake, but I will definitely learn from the mistake. I think this is something that is best learned through expirience.

Please don't feel that I am NOT discounting your advice... it is very appreciated, has made me think more clearly, and I thank you.

That's exactly what we expect you to do. Make your own decisions, mistakes and gain your experiences. That's our mission here. We just advise from our collective experience and let you do the rest.

Good luck dear.

Welcome.

Chery · May 26, 2008, 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

My decision making process so far... PLEASE HELP, ADD ON YOUR IDEAS TO THE PRO/CON LIST
DO I...
Tell her I WASN'T really hurt by the incident with "John," and that I still like her. Tell her that there is no reason for her to feel so guilty, as I am not that hurt. Ask her if we can get back together... NOPE, I wouldn't bring up the past at all!

PROS:
-She will know how I feel
-She could take me back, we could be together again (ABSOLUTE BEST CASE SCENARIO)
-Even if she turns me down, I feel we could still get along, be friends

CONS:
-She could turn me down
-I make myself vulnerable, put myself out there (I am usually a fairly quiet, nervous person)
-Her knowing I still like her could make future meetings between us awkward
-What if it makes the "friends" thing not work, becasue everytime we talk it is awkward (ABSOLUTE WORST CASE SCENARIO)
-It could scare her away, push her further away, and make getting back together in the future less possible (Pretty bad)
.... especially if you dwell on the past.

This is what I have so far, please help, and contribute your ideas, it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

As of now, the "She could take me back" pro is a big one... Right now, my decison is to tell her I like her, and ask her back

I would keep it plain and simple, tell her you'd like to maintain friendship and do fun things together, but go slow on the rest - you need to let that come naturally after she feels comfortable again.

But, again, what you do is up to you.

jrsg · May 26, 2008, 03:19 PM

But I haven't yet even had the talk about why she broke up with me... Why is it so bad to bring up the past?

Sorry if these questions may seem obvious, but I am 16, and have little expirience with relationships.

But why not bring up the past? I need to have the talk for closure for myself too. (Sounds selfish, I know)

Chery · May 26, 2008, 03:39 PM

Here's my view on it.

If you are still 'talking' she already knows that you still like her and want to spend time with her.. and that you probably are no longer bothered by 'John'.

I consider that closure enough if she accepts your friendship and feel that you will only make her feel guilty and uncomfortable over again if YOU bring up that subject. If she wants to talk about it at all, she should be the one to bring it up, NOT you.

No matter what age, when someone insists on bringing up such issues knowing it could mess things up, they are showing traits of jealousy - and this, at your age, can wind up growing to become a major problem now and in your future and needs work on controlling it as it is a sign of insecurity on your part. If this dominates your thoughts, then you do have a potential problem with that dangerous 'green monster', and this, my dear is one of the biggest turn-offs for any female - no matter what age. It makes them feel you think you own them and that's not a good start.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about in this as I was married to a spouse abuser. Why do you think there are so many men out there who beat their partners.. it's insecurity, need for control, and above all jealousy.

It's never too early or too late to be aware of potential danger within ourselves.

talaniman · May 26, 2008, 03:42 PM

One of the reasons I tell people to stop contact, is to let the emotional dust settle, and not make your thought, words, and actions, be based on those emotions alone, but on facts, and some clear headed logic. Over the years, this has been a good course of action not just for relationships, but also for life. It gives you a chance to cope with yourself. That's my advice. There is no hurry to get closure, answers, or anything else, but a good healthy perspective, of what lay before you. That will allow you to make a good decision for yourself, and not be confused about what to do.