[amber-doo]

I have a 5 year old niece who, I believe, is being neglected. My sister (her mom) is an alcoholic and she has shown no real signs of trying to quit. There have been times that she has passed out when she is 'taking care of' my niece. She was arrested at my nieces school and now the child protective services has stepped in and there is going to be a team assessment meeting tomorrow. I'm pretty sure the meeting will be to discuss what will happen with my niece as far as day care stuff like that. They have order my sister to not have any unsupervised time with my niece. Her father is a good man and is working 3 jobs while my sister sits on her butt and does nothing but drink. But, he seems to have his head buried in the sand because he has allowed my sister to be the primary care giver while knowing that she has been drinking. I offered to pay for day care and he still hasn't gotten her into a daycare. I believe that my sister is not going to get better without going into an inpatient program for 3-6 months. I tried to talk to her about that and she said absolutely not! The CPS worker has recommended for her to go into a program and it doesn't cost any money but, I don't think my sister will do it. What does this mean for my niece? Does her father deserve to have my niece or am I being too simpathetic? My family thinks that I should take custody of her, I just want what is best for her and to keep her safe! Does anyone know what will most likely happen in the meeting, tomorrow? Can I give an ultimatum to my brother-in-law. I want to tell him to leave my sister or else!

[startover22]

Are your sister and her husband still together? If so then someone will have to take her or she will become a ward of the state until "mom" and "dad" are up to par with what the state thinks is OK. By not going into a program, your sister could lose her child forever, if she fights the state, then there will be more problems to come. They have the power here. Tell her that. If it comes down to the state taking the girl, then you can ask permission to hold her for a period so they can re assess the situation with her parents! Good luck!
As for the father, he was letting her knowingly do this, so I am assuming here that they will not let him have the child.

[amber-doo]

Yes, they are married and living together. Do you think that is what the meeting is going to be about, where to place her until they get their stuff together?

[startover22]

Oh of course I do. If she got arrested at the child's school and is passing out while the child is in her care. Yes, I do so think this.
They are going to assess the situation, and clearly it isn't a good one. The next step will be encountered after they decide whether the child can stay or not. You have to ask questions. You need to tell your sister to make the right decisions and to make it clear that she knows now she has done wrong. She should even ask for help as far as I am concerned. That way they know she wants to keep her child. And she should be willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
As far as you taking on the responsibility, well, tell the state that you are willing (if you are) so they know they will not have to place her in foster care. You need to get a list of things that are needed by their standards to have a child in your home htough. How old are you?

[amber-doo]

I'm 28. I love my niece and want to do whatever it takes to make sure she is safe. I am a little worried about taking custody of her just because I don't have kids and an instant 5 year old will be a big responsibility, which I can handle, I'm just nervous about the whole thing. What do you think the emotional response will be for a 5 year old to be taken from her parents. If it happens, what can I do to make it an easier transition for her as well as myself and my boyfriend?

[startover22]

I would wait and see what they say tomorrow. You could at least fill out paper work to get the ball rolling, you will need to talk to the girls case worker. It would be a huge transition, especially for some one with no experience with kids living in. I wish you luck. I would love to help and support you through all of this, but first we need to find out if the child must leave;)
So tomorrow you may find out and you can go to that "hearing" as it should be something you are allowed to sit in for! Ask questions and keep asking questions to the case worker and the mother, you will be better informed on what options are out there.
If you are sincerely worried that she is in danger, do not keep quiet! It doe not matter that this woman is your sister, it may be hard, but it is the child that can't make her own decisions, it is her who matters the most. As for her being able to have her baby back, I hope she decides to take charge and make the changes necessary if that is what the state asks for! Especially if she has a lot of family support. I have known some really "not together" mothers that a year later are wonderfully together. So don't give up on your sister, just make sure the child is safe!;)

So lets get through tomorrow and see what comes of it!

[amber-doo]

Well, they decided to have the meeting today. I was on the phone during it. It was decided that my sister is going into a 45day program and my niece is going to come and stay with me for that time. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will work and my sister will get clean and we won't have any more problems. I know she can be a good mom, when she stopped drinking before, she was good with her daughter. I just pray that this program will work and she will work at it. Thanks for your help. What sort of things do you think I should do to make the transition to my home easy?

[startover22]

Ohh this is great! I wish your sister the best as well. You are a sweet auntie and sister to care for her;)
Ok, I suppose I would start by asking mom what she normally does, what time she wakes, what time she goes to bed, is there a routine? If you need to, over time you can change this, but gradually... very gradually, you may not even have her for that long.
Second thing is let her bring to your house what ever is hers, let it be hers, let her have some space.
Third is I would make sure she had a place to go to sit and think... she may be 5 but she is still able to need time to herself.
Make meals together, let her add ingredients, and stir... as much as possible, keep her busy with constructive things to do. Baking, cooking, art, glue and paints, treasure hunting outside, lots of outdoors... I wouldn't take her to a carnival every night, I would stick this thing out at home, and make it pleasant.;)
You will get to know what she really enjoys and what she doesn't.
As time allows, let her get close to you... let her trust you. You know it all depends on what kind of attitude she has. YOu may have more questions in the long run. Feel free to ask! You really just need to make sure she feels safe and comfy, and busy. 5 year old can get tired and cranky too, so be on the look out... plenty of water and understanding has been my tool for the grumps... or a silly dance or face usually does the trick;)
Also if you say yes to something, follow through... AND if you say no to something, follow through. Don't be too quick to answer, think about it first. Often times we say no when we could have easily said yes, and we do the same in the opposite.;)
Man, there are so many things and ideas, I suppose as the questions come, you can ask away!;) Hugs and love... and thank you for helping her, you are a special person for doing so... your boyfriend too...

[amber-doo]

Thank you so much for all of your help. It looks like things are still kindof up in the air. We found out that the state does not offer financial support for things like day care if my niece is not staying with my brother-in-law while my sister is in rehab. So, he is trying to figure out if he can change his work schedule and finding day care and baby sitters. If she doesn't actually live with us, I will still be taking her for long weekends and stuff like that. You really have helped me with ideas and how to make this a more comfortable situation for my niece. I really appreciate it! We are lucky to have a second bedroom in the house which would turn into hers and I will make sure she is able to bring some of her own stuff to make it more enjoyable for her.
I do have a question about her development. Do you know how far along a 5, almost 6 year old should be with reading. She seems to have difficulty reading and remembering words that she sounded out only minutes before.

[startover22]

Well, it depends on the child. Is she going to kindergarten next year?

[amber-doo]

She is in kindergarten right now. I think she is going to have to redo kindergarten next year. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, I'm not sure. I just want to make sure she is not being effected badly through what has been going on with my sister. I'm sure she doesn't get the reading practice she needs at home

[startover22]

Well, then it would be a really good thing to read to her when you see her. If she has to re-do kindergarted, it isn't going to be bad. You could (if you are allowed) get to the school and for some of those, site word little books... I will look to see if I have any here and where they might get them and I will direct you. With a little one, sight words are great and they can learn by memorization. Over and over you can point to each word, say it with her the first few times then let her do it, you will be surprised how fast it goes. She also needs to be able to write her ABC's and One two threes! If you can get her to have fun with it... like laying cards out with the numbers and letter (separate) and have her pick the one you yell out... you can get really excited when she gets it and re-do the one she doesn't, after you say it first.;)
There are so many great ways to help her, while she is with you , you guys can play so many games, even go fish gives her a way to learn her numbers. There are so many cool and fun things to do with a kid her age. Making learning fun is the best and most accomplished way of getting the learning done!

[startover22]

Kindergarten Sight Words
Start here. And it shows some great activities...

[amber-doo]

She's in kindergarten this year. I think she is going to have to do kindergarten again next year, though. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, I just want to make sure she's not going to end up far behind where she should be. I didn't have a lot of help getting through school and I don't want her to end up the same.

[startover22]

Amber, you will do fine. Just help her read... just make some flash cards or buy them... this will do wonders for her. It is good you are thinking along these lines. I wasn't good with school either, but I will be damn if my kids aren't going to make it, and make it good. Some kids take a bit longer than others, some kids don't. So to help her, you can do very basic things to help her. It may be a bit of work at first, but it will pay off and it does end up being really fun!

I hope she gets to spend some good time with you! You sound really worried.
Have you heard anything els today? Does she get to stay with dad? While mom is away? Did mom say she would go to treatment or did she get ordered to go?

[amber-doo]

Nothing new today. My sister is going to an intake meeting on Friday. CPS 'recommended' she go into a program. I don't think they actually ordered it but, through the meeting, it was recorded as action she needs to take.
The dad is supposed to find out about his work schedule today. If he cannot change his schedule, they are interviewing people to watch my niece and take her to school when he goes to work.
It's all still sortof up in the air. My sister doesn't even have a back up plan if this facility doesn't have space available. I tried to ask her about that this morning but she just got upset and said that she is doing to best she can and everything is overwhelming. Maybe I am being too hard on her, I just have a bad feeling that she is some how going to get around going. At least CPS did order her not to be alone with her daughter, and they assigned a social worker to go to the house and make sure everything is going okay.
I just now got the summary report from the meeting and it looks like her educational needs are going to be looked at, thank goodness!

[startover22]

Great job Amber!
I bet she is overwhelmed, this is a hard thing to go through especially if she isn't ready to receive help. Having your kids taken away or having to be supervised with your own kids is a warning that she will need to take in at her own pace. This may be the best lesson to get the "good" ball rolling, just remember that. It may take time and as long as the child has a safe place to be, then during the process it will be best!
I wish you and her all the luck in the world. Try and support your sister to get on the right track, there is no need to put her down anymore, the damage is done! It just needs to be undone;) So the more support your sister has, the better it will be to get everything as normal as possible for the little girl.
Nice job on getting the ball rolling at school. Good call!
Feel free to vent here and ask as many questions as you want:)

[amber-doo]

Those are some great ideas for activities to help my niece. Thank you for your help. I am really trying to get over being angree so that I can start to support my sister.

Thank you again!

[startover22]

Good, I know its really hard... I have been where you are, except it wasn't my sister. Let me tell you that mother did everything possible to get her kids back... but it took some pushing from me and a few others to help her along the way, even fostering them for about a year, they were with me for a little over three months at the end and someone else for the first part. With a lot of help and encouragement it really did work. So I know it can if she feels the heat. BUT being angry that your niece was treated bad is to be expected, and will help with your motivation to help your sister.;) Just take your time and tell your sister you love her, you love her daughter, and you are willing to do what it takes for them to be together.

[startover22]

Hey you Amber, just wondering how you are coming along with any new info;)