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amber-doo · May 22, 2008, 06:38 PM

Mom and Dad found someone who can watch my niece between the time that he goes to work and she has to be in school. I will be watching my niece pretty much when I want to. Because the state won't pay for any daycare unless he is the primary care giver.
I've let go of some of the anger, enough to be able to talk to my sister cordially. I e-mailed the sight word website to my brother-in-law so that they will start to work with her on those. I have gotten some of the activities ready to go so we can start working on them at my house. I will be watching her this weekend.
I'm still worried because it turns out that the facility that my sister wants to go to may not have room for 4 weeks. That's a long time for all this to go on... I guess it's just a wait and see at this point.

startover22 · May 22, 2008, 06:45 PM

I know its hard... thing take time to organize and get the ball rolling. So glad you got the chance to give in to some of the anger. Not that I think you should just let her get away with it, (she wont) but I would hate to see a sister have to be the one to give disapline. If that makes any sense at all.
The dad seems to be willing to help and do good things! Your parents are willing, you are willing. Wow what a great circle for this child and mother to have around them! I just have a good feeling about this!
Why are you so worried about the time on the facility? It may do her some good to think about things, and to have to be supervised to be with her own child, there is a lesson to be learned in that. Not every "wait" is always bad;)

amber-doo · May 23, 2008, 07:37 PM

Hello, I hope you are doing well. I found out, today, from my mom that my sister drank on Wednesday. She lied to me and said that everything is going well and that she is doing well and going to meetings and keeping busy. How do I support her if she's going to just give me lip service and lie to me? I feel like now that she doesn't have any responsabilities, it just makes it easier on her. I am bending over backwards and she can't stay away from alcohol for 2 days...

startover22 · May 23, 2008, 09:14 PM

Amber, your sister is going to do what ever she wants. You support the good. When she does something good, commend her for it. You are allowed to be angry, I would be too. You don't have to support the bad. Remember if she is an alcoholic, this whole situation is putting stress on her and she will be more apt to turn to drinking. Only she can make the decision not to. Your anger toward her isn't going to help. (that is why you can come here anytime to vent) You can vent to your mom, you can vent to your boyfriend.
What about your niece, how is she? You are going to see her this weekend right?;)

Amber, I need a bit of info to get the situation right in my head, if you don't mind that is.
1. Where is mom living
2. Where is child living
3. Where is dad living
4. When mom is with daughter, where is it and who watches over them when they are together?

It has only been 3 days since you posted this and I am assuming by the words and today's and tomorrows that you used all this came about on the 20th, is that correct?
If so, 3 days is not long enough for anything to sink in, she is going to have a really hard time being sober and knowing that she really messed up. She is going to want to drink, she is going to want to not live in reality. We have to give her a little bit of time. I am hoping she will come around, it isn't a promise, but I am willing to bet that if she has the support of her husband and her mom and you, she can get through this!
You can be angry Amber, be angry here, she has a illness, she needs help.

You worry about that pretty little niece and let her worry about her... she has to help herself love.

amber-doo · May 23, 2008, 11:10 PM

You make me feel so much better by putting everything into perspective.

My sister, her husband and my niece all live together in a 2 bedroom apartment about 45 miles from me. As child services ordered, my sister is not allowed to be with my niece alone. They now have a babysitter that my brother in law takes my niece to in the morning and she takes her to school. Then, she is in daycare until her dad picks her up and then she is with both parents at night. They have another sitter that will watch her if her dad has to work late or on the weekends that I cannot take her. I will have her this weekend, picking her up after work on Saturday and taking her home on Monday.

This whole thing started on Thursday, 5/15, when she got arrested. I took my niece for the weekend, called child services on Monday, after having an argument with her on Sunday. She drank both Saturday and Sunday. Child services showed up to the house on Monday (5/26). The team meeting was on Tuesday where it was decided that she would be coming to live with me for the summer while my sister went to rehab. Then, we found out that child services will only pay for daycare and family counseling if dad is the primary care giver for her. Then, I had to go to their house 3 am Wednesday to be there while dad went to work and take her to school. Then sister drank that day after telling me her plan to go to meetings and stay sober. Not a whole lot has happened since then but, Thursday I tried to support my sister by talking to her on the phone and talking about what is going on and being nice to her. Then, I found out today that she lied to me and drank on Wednesday. I tried to talk to her today about how things are going but she just said that everything is going great and she is going to her meetings and counseling. It looks like the rehab place won't have a bed for 4-6 weeks. My fear with that is that it is going to become too easy for my brother-in-law to just run to the store or something and leave my niece with my sister. He just seems so complacent about the whole situation, where it would be such a chore to get her and take her with him for a small errand.

She is such a beautiful, energetic little girl. And I know that the only thing I can really do is take care of her the best I can and I cannot control what my sister does. I just don't know when to believe her and when not to. She's been lying and manipulating people her whole life that she a pro.

I am trying to look at the bright side of things as well. My brother-in-law is taking more of an interest in what happens with his family, I get to spend more time with my niece and my boyfriend is being really supportive and he's also enjoying having my niece over for the weekends.

startover22 · May 24, 2008, 12:09 AM

Wow, Amber... this is a tough situation. The thing is, I know you can't trust her. I know you can't believe what she tells you to be truth. I know that hurts, not only yours and her relationship, but it hurts everyone around her. There is a part of me that wants her husband to kick her to the curb and get all possible help from the state to help take care of his daughter, until she wakes up and realizes that she has made a huge mess for her little family. Then there is a part of me that says no... she needs the support to be on her way to healthy living. It is midnight here, I know my mind is racing trying to figure something out, so I can give you advice on how to make things better. I wish I had all the answers, but it seems clear that the only thing (right now) to do is wait till your sister gets into rehab. Not only will they help her with the drinking, they will help her see a more clear picture to what she will need to do when she finishes the program. They can't make her better, and she will soon find out that this has to be her decision. I do know though that she will not want to go on with life with supervision... I can only hope that one day she will want to be able to be with her daughter enough to follow through by taking some healthy steps to be a better mother. Amber, try to be patient, these things take time, especially since you are dealing with the "system"... You are doing good things, and for that I am thankful to you;)
Keep your chin up and when you can make that important positive impact on your niece! I am here and I will be with you through the whole thing! I am going to be sending all of my positive thoughts your way, your nieces way and her families way. I would love to see you coming back here, even if only to say what you want, be mad, be happy, be sad, be whatever you feel in the moment. You are allowed, this is someone you love... both your sister and your niece. Please keep me posted;)

amber-doo · May 24, 2008, 12:32 AM

Originally Posted by startover22

Wow, Amber.....this is a tough situation. The thing is, I know you can't trust her. I know you can't believe what she tells you to be truth. I know that hurts, not only yours and her relationship, but it hurts everyone around her. There is a part of me that wants her husband to kick her to the curb and get all possible help from the state to help take care of his daughter, until she wakes up and realizes that she has made a huge mess for her little family. Then there is a part of me that says no....she needs the support to be on her way to healthy living. It is midnight here, I know my mind is racing trying to figure something out, so I can give you advice on how to make things better.

That is exactly how I am feeling, I keep going back and forth about what I think should happen. Sometimes I think he should just kick her out so they can get on with their lives.

It feels good to have somewhere that I can vent and change my mind at the drop of a hat which is so easy to do!
Looks like we're in the same time zone... ;)

Leaving work now, hopefully I will get some good sleep. I've got a busy, fun filled weekend ahead of me.:D

Good night

startover22 · May 24, 2008, 07:12 AM

Have a great weekend! I hope lots of cute and funny stuff happens!! :D ;)

startover22 · May 27, 2008, 02:46 PM

Hi Amber, I am wondering how the weekend went? How is your niece? Any new news? You doing OK? Hope so! ;)

amber-doo · May 28, 2008, 10:11 AM

Hi,

The weekend was nice. We played, had a timeout, then played some more. I took her to our company picnic, that was fun... she's such a cutie!
No new news so far... everything is pretty much the same.
I hope you had a great weekend as well.

startover22 · May 28, 2008, 10:17 AM

I did have a great weekend! A mother of four... the kids all went camping with dad so I had the whole weekend to myself, it sure was nice!
Nice to hear about your weekend! She sounds like a cutie! Lucky Auntie!;) Anytime you need to say anything, I am here! See you soon!

startover22 · Jun 4, 2008, 09:14 AM

Amber, how are things for you and your niece? How is your sister coming along?

amber-doo · Jun 4, 2008, 01:03 PM

My sister is still drinking and supposedly still waiting to get into the facility that she contacted. Something happened that made her quite upset with me and probably with my brother, also.
My mom went into the hospital on Friday. She was feeling faint and has had a liver and spleen problem for awhile. We decided not to tell my sister because we thought that might put too much stress on her and give her another excuse for drinking. Well, she found out and called me and we got into an argument about it. I guess she has a right to be angry, she thinks that I didn't tell her because I think she doesn't have the right to know. That's not why I didn't tell her. I feel kindof bad and maybe I was in the wrong but, I was just doing what I thought was right. My mom is doing okay, they are doing blood tests and giving her antibiotics because of a sinus infection. They promised her that they would keep her there until they find out what is going on and she is doing better.

My brother-in-law kindof pissed me off. I was supposed to have the weekend without my niece and he sprang her on me at the last second. I thought he was just coming by the hotel to borrow some money and he didn't mention anything about having my niece until he showed up and just left her with us.

startover22 · Jun 4, 2008, 02:20 PM

Amber, I am so sorry about your mom. That must have been scary. I hope she gets healthy and happy again!
Your sister is going to have many ups and downs, she is going to have to deal with them, drinking or not. You won't be able to save her from everything. You did what you thought was right, that's OK! If you put herself in her shoes, she probably feels like a total loser, as well she probably thinks every one is out to get her now. So, anything you do that is aside from giving her money or watching her girl is going to seem like a threat, no matter if it is going to help her in the long run!
As for your BIL, When he gets off work and back to the house, I think it would be wise to tell him... "Brother in law, I never want you to be without someone to care for your daughter, and I want to make this situation easier on you, there are just a few ground rules we need to live by until this is all over. One of them will be unless it is an emergency, you will never be allowed to drop her off unplanned. You will need to give me notice in order for me to help you with her." and so on, you can tell him even more ground rules, but make sure it has nothing to do with controlling his or your sisters behavior. Only things like bring enough clothes for her and make sure you call and make plans for me to watch her first. "She is always welcome here because I love her, but sometimes it doesnt go along with the plans I already have."
Amber, you have to stay strong! Only worry about your niece and if you think it is a dangerous and bad position, then take appropriate action! All you can do is kill time and rant if you would like to here! The real issue is making sure she is taken care of. It was wrong of your BIL leave her when he never even asked and I would be pissed too! I am truly sorry you have to go through this! I know it has to be hard. Just stick to the facts, don't listen to any drama, don't make any drama, and keep your head on straight. You will and your niece will come out of this just fine;) Hugs and love, Starty

startover22 · Jun 23, 2008, 09:11 PM

Amber... how are you? How is your niece and your sister?

startover22 · Jul 6, 2008, 07:38 AM

Hi Amber... just seeing how everything is. I hope you are enjoying your summer!

startover22 · Aug 12, 2008, 08:52 AM

All right, I just wanted to check in one more time;)
Hope you and the family are doing great! I wish the best for all of you...

loritindall · Jan 30, 2011, 10:37 PM

My niece is now 16.I have been kept from her all her life.we have been on Facebook and it was good to see her finally after 16 years.Now her mom is now asking by e-mail to please not contact her.She is old enough and it'd her mom doing this--what can I do?? I live in North Carolina.