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tirie · May 16, 2008, 08:23 PM

My husband and I have been married a year. His grown children live with his ex-wife while they are attending college. He visits them several times a year and the trip is a 13 hour drive from our home. Before he leaves, he always says he will be staying at a motel and will call me to tell me where. Once he gets there, he doesn't call and after a couple of days he calls to let me know he's staying with his "children". I've asked him many times to stay at a motel out of respect for our marriage. His children won't call our home. They will call his cellphone but are rude if I answer. He prefers that I am quiet when he speaks to them. He continues to send half of what he makes to his ex for her house payment. I'm confused and I love him but he tells me I'm paranoid. His ex would call before we were married and tell me explicitly what they would do when I wasn't around but he assured me she was lying. I'm confused and I love him. Would someone give me some insight and grounding?

frangipanis · May 16, 2008, 10:11 PM

that's an unusual arrangement and not one that I would personally agree to.

Did you know about this before you were married?

My boyfriend and I have discussed a lot of things, including our financial arrangements should we ever get married. This is more to reassure ourselves as we continue to getting to know each other ~ in fact, we're both a little edgy at the moment.

Nonetheless, we have said that if anything were to happen to me, my family home would be left to my children and this would always be protected. Likewise, his home and wealth is set-up to take care of his children. Should we ever marry, anything we build together, such as a house, would be owned jointly and its value split according to each individual's contribution in the event of separating or death. Neither of our ex's is entitled to a share of our current or ongoing wealth, as divorce settlement has already been finalised.

He pays a generous maintenance (which is only right) and has made allowances that if anything were to happen to him before his youngest child turns 18, that the children would continue to receive an allowance equivalent to the child maintenance he now pays. Nothing will be left to his ex wife as she is responsible for her own financial planning, and especially in their case since she received a generous divorce settlement that should have seen her right. By the same token, she is the mother of his children, and I wouldn't want to think he would let her vanquish if things turned difficult for her in any way, so I would at least remain partly open to this possibility, without letting anyone else take over control of my life, or marriage.

They have a fairly good relationship and we're all comfortable being together at his children's birthday parties and other celebrations. I've been really glad for this fact.

Ideally, you should be able to discuss your financial arrangements with your husband in a transparent and trusting way, ensuring a mutually agreeable distribution of your common wealth. If he can't do this, then I would seriously question some core foundations of your marriage. But that's just me.

Part of the reason my previous marriage ended was my partner's inability to do this ~ which was just part of bigger problems we had in our marriage. Similar principle though: emotional and financial transparency and trust are vital to a healthy relationship.

It seems as if you're being jostled about by your husband's family and haven't been able to think too straight... yes?

JBeaucaire · May 16, 2008, 10:40 PM

You married into this. Until the kids are through with college and his alimony commitments end, you have no say in it. At all. None.

Be sure you understand this because it sounds wrong and unfair, but it is reality. Where his family is concerned, butt out. Love him enough to leave his FIRST responsibilities out of your relationship. Completely out.

And as for his lack of straighforwardness, you may be contributing to that behavior. If he feels including you in all the specifics of these trips will lead to disagreement, he will avoid telling you. He will omit, he will hedge, he may even outright lie.

All of that is TOTALLY understandable since his kids come first, his ex-wife still has some say in his life, and he LOVES you and wants to keep things as simple as he can with you. You have to help him with that, though.

Again, leave him alone regarding his family. Trust him, act like you trust him. Support him and his familial decisions. Remember your place is after a lot of his pre-existing responsibilities... but you come FIRST after them. And you knew all this before, so it's all OK.

frangipanis · May 17, 2008, 03:58 AM

Is his ex wife actually at home when he goes to see his children and stays with them? Or does she take the opportunity to have time to herself? If he is just with his children, then that's a totally different situation.

talaniman · May 17, 2008, 06:34 AM

You have been married a year, but how long had you been dating? This seems like and old arrangement, and I think you knew what was what when you married him. JB is correct as this is his situation to handle, and yours to cope with. Staying out of it is the best course as any changes you suggest would be looked upon as interference, or jealousy and control. Neither is right. Back away and leave it to him to deal with. Your resentments are better handled by focusing on you, and what your doing. Be more proactive in your own business, and leave his family obligations and his ex, ALONE. Do what makes you happy and don't dwell on his past.

frangipanis · May 17, 2008, 03:30 PM

Couples in your situation are often stressed financially and emotionally because of previous marital obligations. You can actively think about this and collect information and resources on how other couples in your circumstances have managed and improved both their finances and relationships.

Talk with people who are willing to listen to you and help you come up with a range of constructive ideas on different ways of approaching your situation. Learning how to communicate better within the context of a step family environment as well as developing negotiation and financial skills, are ways you can be proactive that will give you a lot more confidence in knowing how to manage and improve your overall circumstances. Once you're satisfied you've been listened to properly and the arrangements etc are reasonably okay in your mind, then the jealousies and anxieties will ease. In my opinion.

PS: just for now, I'd recommend you let your husband speak with his children on the phone without being interrupted or having you listening in on their conversation ~ or interrogating him afterwards

Fr_Chuck · May 17, 2008, 03:53 PM

Is the house payment to the ex court ordered ? He should be paying all of his court ordered child support and on several children will be a lot.

mimi03 · May 17, 2008, 05:06 PM

Sounds like everyone thinks you are butting in on something that is none of your business... trying to pry into his conversations with his kids or telling him when/where/how to spend time with them isn't your business BUT knowing where your husband is sleeping when he isn't at home with you is your business!

This may have been a arrangement made before he married you and obviously you were okay with it because you still pursued the relationship, I think if you just want to be told what's going on (doesn't mean including/inviting yourself etc.) your husband should gladly tell you as much as possible... he's forever tied to his children but you are his wife and despite what everyone else thinks You are First as his life partner and closest ally IMO!
Try not to allow his tendency to omit the truth and make this situation private drive you to paranoia have some conversations about honesty.

JBeaucaire · May 17, 2008, 05:27 PM

As I pointed out earlier, his attempt to avoid unhelpful confrontations with his current wife is probably leading to some of this subterfuge.

Once she has successfully signaled to him that she is not infringing on his pre-family obligations or decisions in any way, they develop an even fuller open dialog (as needed, keep it to a minimum) on the issues themselves. When he is confident and secure that she no longer feels threatened by the time/money obligations, my bet is that his communications with her during the trips and forthright providing of specifics with will increase as well.

tirie · May 17, 2008, 08:37 PM

I don't mind at all that my husband pays the house payment for his ex while his kids are in college. I didn't know about it when we were dating. He lied to me about the amount but I don't even care about that. I can take care of myself and wouldn't expect him to do so. It does bother me that his kids can't hear my voice in the background while he is talking to them on the phone. If I'm talking to my grown children, he would rather we were quiet if his children call. His kids are 23 and 21. His oldest goes to college and is moving away. Neither of his children work. His youngest doesn't drive so it's causing some complications. I've emailed his children (because they won't speak to me) and explained to them I want happiness for them and for their dad. I have offered to make arrangements for them to spend a week vacation somewhere else. I told them I wouldn't be around but I know how much their dad loves them and I felt it would be good for all of them. I've even gotten loans to compensate for the money that my husband has unexpectedly spent on surprise gifts for them. He often lies to me about doing this and I realize the money isn't there when I pay bills. I've tried as hard as I know how to in order to give them space and leave the relationship alone. What bothers me is that my husband lies to me about staying with his ex-wife and children. Once there, he won't answer my phone calls or return them. His ex-wife stays at the house while he is there. She often calls him crying because something in her day has upset her. I am overwhelmed and confused. I am trying to be respectful and loving to my husband but I'm feeling somewhat lost. I appreciate all the posts. I do need an answer, even if it's not what I want to hear, as long as it clears my head. Thanks!

KarenH · May 17, 2008, 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by tirie

My husband and I have been married a year. His grown children live with his ex-wife while they are attending college. He visits them several times a year and the trip is a 13 hour drive from our home. Before he leaves, he always says he will be staying at a motel and will call me to tell me where. Once he gets there, he doesn't call and after a couple of days he calls to let me know he's staying with his "children". I've asked him many times to stay at a motel out of respect for our marriage. His children won't call our home. They will call his cellphone but are rude if I answer. He prefers that I am quiet when he speaks to them. He continues to send half of what he makes to his ex for her house payment. I'm confused and I love him but he tells me I'm paranoid. His ex would call before we were married and tell me explicitly what they would do when I wasn't around but he assured me she was lying. I'm confused and I love him. Would someone give me some insight and grounding?

Wow, this is tough... would you allow your Mom's new husband to treat her as such and not put your two cents in? Most likely not! I have been married for almost 19 years and let me tell you, had I had a crystal ball... NO WAY would I do it again. Don't get me wrong, I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND, WITH MY WHOLE HEART! But, I often feel as though he takes total advan tage of my kind heart and forgiving ways. You sister are not treating yourself well if you continue to allow this treatment to continue. "Steying with the kids be damned! They are college aged children, surely if they had some important event to attend, they wouldn't give a hill of beans where their father slept! As far as the ex-wife and her flapping jaws, IGNORE HER! Give your husband the benefit of doubt, if something is going on, it will come out eventually, and it won't be on you, but it will be on him for lying. As far as his grown children being rude, HE MUST PUT A STOP TO IT! NOW... DO YOU NAG HIM... NO! First, write a list of your thoughts, and reasons why, have it ready for a seriousk, non-threatening interaction... The next time he comes home from one of these trips, make him feel loved, tell him how much you missed him and have a nice quiet dinner. lounge around listening to some of your favorite music and then broche the subject of how it makes you feel when... 1... 2... 3... etc. Be sure that you do not give him power over your emotions, do not say, "you make me... " or, "when you... " that will only put him on the defensive, and the only end to that is anger and hurt feelings. Feel free to email me if I can give you anymore ideas. Just remember, you don't have to be a doormat, but he needs to know in a loving and gentle way that you feel "XYZ". Be fair, you could say something like, " I want you to know that I think it is admirable that you work diligently to maintain your relationships with your children, and I commend you for it. If I sometimes seems less than supportive it is not that I don't care, I just wish that you could have the best of everything, and I sometimes get angry that you are forced to divide yourself so. I would be open to ways to close the gap with your childre if you have any suggestions... Remember, loving comment, ease into YOUR feelings, and then target the issue and lastly, men love to fix things, and they love to feel as though they made worthy contributions. Make him the handyman ask for his advice, suggestions, anything! Remember also, negative begets negative, and people don't want to be dragged down, so, make it a puzzle to solve, not a problem to be tackled. Best of luck! Karen

talaniman · May 18, 2008, 02:40 AM

I've even gotten loans to compensate for the money that my husband has unexpectedly spent on surprise gifts for them. He often lies to me about doing this and I realize the money isn't there when I pay bills.

While I think you should be hands off with his former family, this lying and not telling you when he overspends is unacceptable. I also don't think YOU taking out loans to compensate for his obligations is YOUR responsibility, nor is it fair. Someone has to live within a better budget. And if he can't at least communicate, HIS bills might not get paid. That loan stuff only flies once.

Once there, he won't answer my phone calls or return them. His ex-wife stays at the house while he is there.

Stop calling but this is something to discuss, doubt if he changes though.
I never got an answer how long did you date before you got married?

tirie · May 18, 2008, 05:28 AM

Case solved. I called his ex's houseat 5:30 a.m. She answered groggily and immediately handed the phone to him. They were still in bed. He said he would go outside and call me on his cellphone. He did call and he said that he would be back to work on Wednesday like nothing happened. He says I imagined all this because he was asleep in the chair beside her. Now what?

tirie · May 18, 2008, 05:36 AM

Sorry, taliniman. We dated a couple of years but he lived about 900 miles away (in the same city as his ex). About a year before we got married, he moved to the area where I live. It was his choice to move. I didn't push him to do so because I was concerned it would be hard to leave his children in that area. Don't get me wrong. There are two sides to everything. If there is guilt to be assigned, I'm sure I am have my share to answer for. I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix my situation. I love my husband but I'm not sure that he loves me.

NowWhat · May 18, 2008, 06:28 AM

Originally Posted by tirie

Case solved. I called his ex's houseat 5:30 a.m. She answered groggily and immediately handed the phone to him. They were still in bed. He said he would go outside and call me on his cellphone. He did call and he said that he would be back to work on Wednesday like nothing happened. He says I imagined all this because he was asleep in the chair beside her. Now what?

So he is still sleeping with his ex? That is what it sounds like to me. And sleeping on a chair right next to her - how convenient! YOU imagined it because HE was asleep? Come on! And for a man that doesn't call when he is away - you get an immediate call back, why? Because you busted him! And he knows it - he is just trying to put it on you and make you question yourself. Don't fall for it.

I am sorry this is happening to you. The disrespect seems to be par for the course with your relationship. When I was reading what he does to you when he is talking to his kids - it sounds like he treats you as a mistress. Not a wife.
You deserve a level of respect that you are not getting.

So, where do you go from here? Well... Can you live with the fact that he is still sleeping with his ex? Can you handle the disrespect you are going to get from all sides? (Maybe this explains why his kids treat you this way - they still see their parents together)
Can you handle knowing that this is going on every time he is away?

talaniman · May 18, 2008, 10:02 AM

Sounds as if your finding out a lot about him you didn't know before. I think the first change to be made is financial. Stop supporting his other family with loans YOU have to pay back. Once you take charge of the finances, and not be so willing to go along with all his plans, you can talk, a lot more than what you have so far, and not just accept all he tells you as gospel. He has a responsibility as your husband to be loyal, forthright, and honest. Anything less is unacceptable.

mimi03 · May 18, 2008, 06:08 PM

I'm sorry to hear the news...
Now's the time to decide what YOU want and need in this marriage
Can you remain with a dishonest, cheating man (If he admits it or not, that's what he is)
Or do you want someone who's going to respect you and uphold the vows he made to you?
You have to really think this through then talk to him, tell him what you know about his suspicious and disrespectful behavior (b/c you do know) your instincts are right on... he'll have the opportunity to be honest, apologize and avail himself to work things out or deny everything...
But after a lot of consideration you should know what to do in either event... If you are anything like me: I wouldn't be able to forget and it'd take me a very long time to forgive so that conversation wouldn't solve much for me because the relationship would be over, finished!

jasmine_rezzag · May 19, 2008, 12:54 AM

If you thought he stayed with his EX,I think next time if he says he will go to see his children,you can go after him to see what's happing as he always ly to you!you are his wife now,you have the right to know the truth!or maybe you can ask him "can i go with you?but i will not disturb your children and you,I will stay away if you were with him" to see what is his reaction!you know his children are older than 20,surely they have thire own life and activity,it is impossible for him to stay with them all the time,like nights... and if he really stays in the motel,the children will not go to the motel to spend the nights with him,as his ex has a house!you know what I say!I guess he must always live in his ex's house,live with the children and maybe live with her! you get my meaning!If I was you,I will not trust him!Anything could happen if a husband lives with his ex!If he is trustful,he has no need to ly to you!

Truly01 · Feb 16, 2011, 12:47 PM

Not good... not good at all. There seems to be a major conflict of interest here, and that is not healthy for any marriage. This sounds too painful- any woman would realize that this would be challenging for a wife, so what is really going on here?