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jozlin · May 13, 2008, 09:50 AM

Hi. My name is jozlin and my sister-in-law is expecting a child. She has 3 right now and doesn't feel like she can take care of another one and is thinking of giving up the baby for adoption. My husband and I want to adopt the baby so he/she will have a good home and will still be with family. We will adopt the baby but is there anything I can legally do to make sure she doesn't change her mind and try to get the baby back before the adoption goes through. I know that adoptions can take a while and she has only said she will probably give the baby up? I read online that she can't sign over parental rights until the baby is 48 hrs old. Is this true? I'd like to find a way (my mother-in-law agrees) to make it legal before the birth so she doesn't change her mind at the last min. And if I do get the Mom to sign off before or after should I start tracking down the father for him to sign the baby away as well or can that wait until we're talking with a lawyer?
Thanks.
-j

MsMewiththat · May 13, 2008, 10:54 AM

I don't think so. This is a very tricky situation and should be handled with the greatest sensitivity. I think that you should hold out and allow her to make her decision. If she decides to give the baby up for adoption and is sure that adoption to a family member is a decision she can live with, that would be the time to make it legal. Otherwise, you have forced her in to a decision that she will resent you for and that in my opinion would make things very uncomfortable for life being that you are family. The objective as you describe it was to "give the baby a good home" and "keep the child in the family". Wait it out. Be sure she is ready, unless of course you don't plan to have an open - civil adoption. This isn't someone that you will never have contact with again in life, it's family.

jozlin · May 13, 2008, 11:31 AM

Totally true. I don't want to create a rift in the family at all. I also just found out that another sister-in-law of mine is thinking of adopting the baby. I told her I'd do some research about it. Chances are she will be the one to adopt the baby because she wants to adopt but only an infant and I'm open for adopting a toddler. Plus I don't want any resentment between us because we're a close family. I do have another question for you. She has a three bedroom house. One is her and her husbands. One is for her son. One is for her father-in-law. They are going to be adding a room but may not be able to do it until after the baby is born. Will the baby not having his/her own room be a major deciding factor in the adoption? I'll make sure I pass on the wisdom given about waiting before trying anything legal. Thanks again.
-j

collinsmom · May 13, 2008, 05:49 PM

Hi Jozlin... I'm an mommy through open adoption. It really is difficult to tell you the in's and out's of adoption because every state has different laws. I don't know of any state that would allow you to have the expectant mom sign over her rights BEFORE the birth. Also, the birthfather must sign over his rights as well. I would HIGHLY recommend talking to an adoption attorney. You will also have to have a homestudy done, have your researched that yet? I wish you and your sister-in-law all the best.

jozlin · May 13, 2008, 10:26 PM

I've been researching laws (I'm in Texas) and it seems pretty cut and dry. I let my sister-in-law know that she is going to need to hire a lawyer to make sure everything is taken care of properly. I worry about the birth mother. I don't want it to be hard on her and her kids. She has 3 kids right now (6yrs-1yr) and they know their mommy is going to have a baby. The birth mother had to have the kid's grandmother take care of the oldest and only girl and it was so hard on her and she is just now living with her Mom and brothers again. To be perfectly honest it's in the baby's best interest to not live with his/her birth mother but it's tricky cause we can't ignore her feelings. Any advice? Such a complicated situation. I know God will take care of it but it'd be nice to go in with some ideas. Any Birth mothers out there with some advice on how to talk to her? She has not yet bonded with the baby and we have no idea how far along she is. We're guessing 3-5 months. I just want this baby to be taken care of.
Thanks. Sorry so long.
-j

Greg Quinn · May 13, 2008, 10:56 PM

And what if the biological father would like to take part or custody of his child? I know were a rare breed, but we do exist. And were lurking! LOL

jozlin · May 13, 2008, 11:00 PM

The biological father isn't thrilled about the pregnancy and is the type that if it doesn't benefit him then he is out. Sadly. I know there are guys out there who care but he isn't one of them.

collinsmom · May 14, 2008, 05:22 AM

My advice would be for the birthmom to get in to see her doctor and find out how far along she is and that everything is all right with both of them. I would also find her a counselor (call Planned Parenthood and see if they have a reference for you... at no cost)right away to help her work through all of this.

j_troubadour · May 14, 2008, 07:57 AM

I'll mention that. Problem is there is no one to watch her kids and she takes the bus every where she goes. She lives out of town so we help with what we can but with work we can only help so much. She'll have a temp custody battle soon and we think that if she gets custody of all 3 then she'll give up the kids but if she looses the boys we think she'll want the baby. We will see.

j_troubadour · May 14, 2008, 07:59 AM

Oh. I'm jozlin by the way. I didn't want to use my first name as my display name so I changed it.

Synnen · May 14, 2008, 06:40 PM

1. You can not sign over parental rights ANYWHERE before the child is born.
2. If you try to coerce her, that is one of the few ways a legal adoption can be overturned. Let her make her own decision.
3. If you truly feel that she would be endangering her child by keeping it, call CPS.
4. Adoption is a LEGAL process, and all THREE parties must be represented in court: The birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the child. If this is as complicated as you say with the issues in the family--GET A LAWYER.
5. Changing her mind is a birthmother's perrogative. Until she has relinquished her parental rights (And even after for a certain time in some places), she hasn't actually made a choice. Promises to place the child for adoption can not be upheld in court. It's an extremely emotional decision, and MUST be made with a clear head and NO COERCION. Pressuring her to choose adoption, by the way, is coercion.

Also... if you or your sister in law are truly thinking of adopting, ESPECIALLY within the family, I recommend you see a counselor who specializes in adoption. There's a LOT of emotions that go with adopting, and not all of them are yours. You do, however, need to clearly see WHY you want to adopt, and what your expectations are of that adoption--it's more than likely that YOUR expectations of the whole thing are VASTLY different than the birthmother's--and in this case, the birthmother is family too.