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Lizbeth_316 · Feb 23, 2006, 07:54 PM

I have a question regarding my daughter who is almost 8. My husband and I have been together almost 8 years. We began dating when she was 3 months old. He has been the only father she has ever really known and has treated her as if she were his own. Her “biological” father (I use that term loosely) has not chosen to be an active part of her life. He’s does not live close by. For this reason we have never needed to go into details about her paternity. Her “biological” father has recently resurfaced and my husband and I are now faced with the daunting task of having to explain this whole situation to her. For the record her “biological” father still lives very far away and hasn’t really expressed that great an interest in my daughter but we feel that if we don’t tell her about this that she may resent us later. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach telling her that the dad she’s known her whole life is not her biological father?

RickJ · Feb 24, 2006, 03:59 AM

I think 8 years old is too young to understand the biology and legality of "fatherhood", so instead of making it a conversation that says what her dad (your husband) is not, but a conversation clarifying what he is: her dad.

I offer a very loose suggestion here since I don't know your daughter's personality or maturity...

As for who this other guy is - for now you might tell her that he is your former husband/boyfriend who was with you when she was born, so he calls her his daughter.

Would that work for now, do you think?

By 4th-5th Grade she'll be learning about he birds and the bees, so at some point up to and including then, you'll need to confirm the biological details, but I think it can wait.

As an aside, I strongly recommend your husband adopting her (if he has not yet).

I know it is a very complicated thing that cannot be addressed in a post or three... but hope this helps even a little.

fredg · Feb 24, 2006, 05:13 AM

Hi,
If her "real" father isn't expressing any interest, and lives far away, then why tell her now? At 8 years old, she will not understand it.
I would wait a couple more years. Is there any reason to bring it up now?
Are you worried she will find out now, from someone else? If she does, talk about it then.
My second wife, to whom I have been married now for 29 years, had a 5 yr old daughter when we met. She new right from the start who was her "real" Dad, cuase he lived nearby, and saw her some weekends. At present, I am more a Dad to her than her "real" Dad.
Since he doesn't care, I wouldn't bring up anything like this now. I do wish you the best of luck.

Ernest carr · Mar 16, 2006, 04:37 PM

Tell her now the right age never comes if you waite, through experince the sooner she knows the better. If she finds out from someone else it will be a shock and could be harmful, Children understand more than we give them credit for.

Lizbeth_316 · Mar 16, 2006, 05:23 PM

Thank you all for the advice. I do believe that I need to tell her. Her finding out from another source and feeling as if we betrayed her by not telling her is my WORST fear. I don't want her to grow up and feel as if we hid the truth from her. The truth is that her "biological" father has shown very little interest in her. He saw her last year which had been the first time in 3.5 years! He sent her a Christmas gift (a first!) and she just received a belated birthday gift. She knows who the gifts are from just not the relation. I sometimes think that on some level she does know but it hasn't been anthing we've really talked about. A little over a year ago she did ask me about where she came from and I sidestepped the whole biology thing but kept it pretty true to her. That would've been a perfect time to talk with her but I was simply not prepared at the time.

I guess I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it...