[Tickford]

Hello,

I'm new to this board, and I hope that somebody out there can help me.

2 days ago, a girl who only on that day we finally came clean and admitted our feelings for each other, was raped by her housemate.

It happened just after I had left... She's in so much pain, I saw her yesterday before the police came. She called me after it happened, I didn't hear the phone ring. She walked all night because she could not remember where my place was. It was out of jealousy that it happened, he couldn't handle seeing her with a man, although she wanted nothing to do with him.. I feel like I contributed to it somehow because if I never went to see her maybe it would never have happened.

I'm in so much pain for her, and I'm hurting so badly... I don't know what to do.

[Clough]

I understand and feel very sorry for your situation and the frustration that you feel! You will get support from people on this site! It's a good place to be!

What do you mean that he was her housemate? Were they or had they had an intimate relationship with each other?

[Clough]

You still show as being online. I hope that you are okay. I have just alerted another person to your post. It's okay to discuss and share things here. All right?

[Tickford]

I understand and feel very sorry for your situation and the frustration that you feel! You will get support from people on this site! It's a good place to be!

What do you mean that he was her housemate? Were they or had they had an intimate relationship with each other?

When I was at her friends yesterday, when I first saw her, they told me he ad been 'after' her for a long time. And she wanted nothing to do with him.

[Clough]

So, were they living together? I'm still not sure what you mean by "housemate."

[Tickford]

So, were they living together? I'm still not sure what you mean by "housemate."

Sorry, she was just sharing a unit with him. The people she was living with got married, then moved to their own house, which left her without a place to stay. He was a mutual friend who had a spare room available...

Thanks for replying to me

[Clough]

No problem.

I'm assuming that he is in jail. Correct? Other than the rape, was she physically harmed in any other way?

[jrebel7]

Hello,

I'm new to this board, and I hope that somebody out there can help me.

2 days ago, a girl who only on that day we finally came clean and admitted our feelings for each other, was raped by her housemate.

It happened just after I had left....She's in so much pain, I saw her yesterday before the police came. she called me after it happened, i didn't hear the phone ring. she walked all night coz she could not remember where my place was. It was out of jealousy that it happened, he couldn't handle seeing her with a man, although she wanted nothing to do with him..i feel like i contributed to it somehow because if i never went to see her maybe it would never have happened.

I'm in so much pain for her, and I'm hurting so badly...I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry this happened. Please know this could have happened whether you had ever met this girl or not. The person responsible is the rapist. I hope he has been arrested by now. Has he? Does your friend have a safe haven in which to stay right now? She probably should not have to be in the house where it took place for awhile. In these early stages, please keep in mind that your friend is going to need lots of tender care. Gentle hugs, not sexual. No sexual touching for now, not even kisses unless just sweet caring ones and on the cheek, forehead, etc. She is going to need to feel really safe for awhile. Every touch could startle her and cause her to relive this in her mind. Speak softly to her.

Is she getting medical help for the physical as well as emotional and mental pain? How long were they housemates? Was this always understood to be a platonic relationship prior to this? I do not ask this to be nosy or judging. It will just help myself and others have a more clear picture to help in suggestions of how to help your friend get through this horrible trauma and for yourself also. Rape make us all feel like victims but we must not allow ourselves to be made to feel like a victim. Be proactive in her care and take care of yourself as well. You have certainly come to a positive, warm place to ask for suggestions.

Please keep in touch here. There will be many who will be able to give support to you and to your friend. Don't allow yourself to feel guilt. You could not have known. Until we hear from you again with more information on how she is doing, we will be praying for you both. I am concerned that she be treated with respect by the doctors and police officers. Just be sensitive to things she might mention if someone seems judgmental and be there for her. She doesn't need any more trauma.

[Clough]

All very true, above!

[starbuck8]

I'm so very sorry to hear what happened to your girlfriend. What did the police do when they came? Did they arrest this creep?

Don't blame yourself for this. It is not your fault at all! This loser probably would have done this even if you weren't in the picture, or he would have done it to some other girl, and maybe has! I sure hope he has been arrested, and will have to pay the consequences of his actions.

The best thing you can do for her, is just be there. Don't force her to talk about it. If she wants to, let her tell you, and don't try and give advice, just listen to whatever she has to say. She may even try and take her feelings out on you! Let her do that and just try and understand that it is not you that she is upset with. Let her scream, cry, rage,. whatever it is that she needs to do now.

Let a little time go by, and suggest that she gets counselling, if she hasn't been in contact with a therapist already. Don't push her to do that until she's ready, but very kindly and gently recommend it, because she will probably need some professional help to get through this.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened, and my prayers and best wishes are with you and your girlfriend! :(

[Tickford]

The police took her to the hospital after they came. I didn't know what to do when I saw her... I sat down on the couch next to her and she was curled up in a ball, when she saw me come in and she looked at me and when the tears ran down her face it was that point that something died inside me. I didn't know what to say so I just sat there... I told her it wasn't her fault and she just said nothing. I don't know, and can't even comprehend how she feels. I feel so useless. She probably won't even want anything to do with me after this... I hate being a man after this, I'm ashamed to be one.

I have to go to work tomorrow.. and walk past her desk, and I don't know how I'll be.. I can't say anything at work as I don't want to betray her confidence. A very close male friend of mine knows and that all. I'm in my mid 30's and I've seen a lot, but I don't know how to get through this.. I can't stop crying, and then it becomes rage, and back and forth.

They got him early today... and he has been charged. I wanted to go with her when the police came but I thought that maybe I shouldn't. I hate myself for sleeping through when she tried to call me.

[Clough]

The police took her to the hospital after they came. I didn't know what to do when i saw her....i sat down on the couch next to her and she was curled up in a ball, when she saw me come in and she looked at me and when the tears ran down her face it was that point that something died inside me. I didn't know what to say so i just sat there...i told her it wasn't her fault and she just said nothing. I don't know, and can't even comprehend how she feels. I feel so useless.

You are doing the best that you or anyone could do. I'm sure that just your presence was comforting to her.

She probably wont even want anything to do with me after this...I hate being a man after this, I'm ashamed to be one.

Please don't beat yourself up over this! As has already been stated, you are not the one who is at fault! No one can predict the future! I'm sure that she's glad that you are a man! No doubt, she is going to need some professional counseling in order for her to deal with this. You might want to consider getting some, too.

I have to go to work tomorrow..and walk past her desk, and I don't know how I'll be..I can't say anything at work as I don't want to betray her confidence. A very close male friend of mine knows and that all. I'm in my mid 30's and I've seen a lot, but I don't know how to get through this..I can't stop crying, and then it becomes rage, and back and forth.

You are correct about the confidentiality. If you do hear some people talking about it or spreading the information, you can be the type of excellent friend you already are by helping to stop the spread of the information.

They got him early today...and he has been charged. I wanted to go with her when the police came but I thought that maybe i shouldn't. I hate myself for sleeping thru when she tried to call me.

Again, please don't be so hard on yourself! No one can predict the future and things happen that are totally out of our control.

[starbuck8]

The police took her to the hospital after they came. I didn't know what to do when i saw her....i sat down on the couch next to her and she was curled up in a ball, when she saw me come in and she looked at me and when the tears ran down her face it was that point that something died inside me. I didn't know what to say so i just sat there...i told her it wasn't her fault and she just said nothing. I don't know, and can't even comprehend how she feels. I feel so useless. She probably wont even want anything to do with me after this...I hate being a man after this, I'm ashamed to be one.

I have to go to work tomorrow..and walk past her desk, and I don't know how I'll be..I can't say anything at work as I don't want to betray her confidence. A very close male friend of mine knows and that all. I'm in my mid 30's and I've seen a lot, but I don't know how to get through this..I can't stop crying, and then it becomes rage, and back and forth.

They got him early today...and he has been charged. I wanted to go with her when the police came but I thought that maybe i shouldn't. I hate myself for sleeping thru when she tried to call me.

I can understand your feelings. Don't hate yourself for being a man, because obviously you are a very understanding and caring man. She was raped by someone who isn't a "man". He is a "rapist!!", and doesn't deserve the title! I'm glad the cops got him at the very least. Hopefully the legal system will step up and punish him like he should be punished, but now your focus has to be on her.

This is only a suggestion, but maybe you could write her a personal heartfelt note or card, telling her that you will give her all of the space and healing time that she needs, but let her know that you are sorry that you couldn't have been there to protect her, but that you will be around to protect her whenever she needs protecting now, if and when she needs you. Just write whatever is in your heart, and tell her how badly you feel for what happened to her, and you won't push or pry, but will always be there if she needs you, day or night. Quietly and discreetly slip the note to her at work, so she knows that you are thinking about her.

This is such a tough call with what the right things are to do. You will most likely just really have to play it by ear, and let her call the shots. I doubt very much that she will blame you just because you're a man. I'm sure she knows the difference between the good guys and the bad guys!

I wish the two of you all the luck in the world for the both of you to get through this ugly situation!

[jrebel7]

I'm so very sorry to hear what happened to your girlfriend. What did the police do when they came? Did they arrest this creep?

Don't blame yourself for this. It is not your fault at all!! This loser probably would have done this even if you weren't in the picture, or he would have done it to some other girl, and maybe has! I sure hope he has been arrested, and will have to pay the consequences of his actions.

The best thing you can do for her, is just be there. Don't force her to talk about it. If she wants to, let her tell you, and don't try and give advice, just listen to whatever she has to say. She may even try and take her feelings out on you! Let her do that and just try and understand that it is not you that she is upset with. Let her scream, cry, rage,...whatever it is that she needs to do now.

Let a little time go by, and suggest that she gets counselling, if she hasn't been in contact with a therapist already. Don't push her to do that until she's ready, but very kindly and gently recommend it, because she will probably need some professional help to get through this.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened, and my prayers and best wishes are with you and your girlfriend!! :(

Starby, I especially think the part where you wrote "She may even try and take her feelings out on you! Let her do that and just try and understand that it is not you that she is upset with. Let her scream, cry, rage,...whatever it is that she needs to do now." That is much needed advice. That is so important for Tickford to be aware of this response. You gave a lot of really great advice and touched on several issues that he needs to be aware of.

[Clough]

The fact that you hurt so much, shows that you care! The more you care, the more you hurt!

[mustard_seed]

Hello,

I'm new to this board, and I hope that somebody out there can help me.

2 days ago, a girl who only on that day we finally came clean and admitted our feelings for each other, was raped by her housemate.

It happened just after I had left....She's in so much pain, I saw her yesterday before the police came. she called me after it happened, i didn't hear the phone ring. she walked all night coz she could not remember where my place was. It was out of jealousy that it happened, he couldn't handle seeing her with a man, although she wanted nothing to do with him..i feel like i contributed to it somehow because if i never went to see her maybe it would never have happened.

I'm in so much pain for her, and I'm hurting so badly...I don't know what to do.

Let her know you care about her & are there if she needs to talk. These things take time & tender understanding. Remain the champion you already are.

Wishing you both the best.

[Clough]

Starby, I especially think the part where you wrote "She may even try and take her feelings out on you! Let her do that and just try and understand that it is not you that she is upset with. Let her scream, cry, rage,...whatever it is that she needs to do now." That is so important for Tickford to be aware of this response. You gave a lot of really great advice and touched on several issues that he needs to be aware of.

Excellent points from both of you about her need to let her take/express her feelings out in some way! You also need to be aware of positive, healthy ways that you can let yourself express your feelings while at the same time being cognizant of her needing to heal also. How you express yourself in some ways might be better to be done on your own without her seeing or hearing how you are accomplishing doing that.

We can't stand in your shoes, feeling and thinking what you do now, but we can stand there behind or beside you, like we are now!

You do have a support group here!

[jrebel7]

Tickford, one other thing that will be pretty important to keep in your mind. There may be times she may jerk away quickly from you, even if you just touch her hand. This is not unusual. It is a quick response without thought.

A woman sometimes feels if she had just fought harder, she could have kept it from happening and yet they fought as hard as they could and they feel so powerless. It is a horrible feeling. I know. Guilt (although false guilt) will hit her. She will need lots of reassurance.

It is not an easy thing to accept that someone had power over you and nothing you could do could prevent what happened. You are feeling a little of this also even though you weren't even there so you can imagine how powerless she feels right now.

You are right to be sensitive to not sharing in the work place. You sound like such a caring and sensitive man, one that she is fortunate to have stand beside her during this time. She may need you at times to just sit on the couch with her without words, just be there. You are slammed with a lot of emotions right now yourself. It is as important that you talk with someone (counselor) as it is for her to.

I have to go to bed now. I have a trip tomorrow but I will be back online tomorrow night checking to see how you are doing. You take care now. Just be thankful and proud that you are a sensitive, caring man. She is fortunate to have you by her side.

[starbuck8]

I agree Rebby and Cloughy, had to spread the rep. Very good advice from all.

Tickford, please keep us updated when you get a chance. I hope you will get some good sleep so you can be there for her. I know that will probably be a hard thing for you to do, considering the circumstances, but you need to for her.

The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself, so you can take care of her.

[Clough]

The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself, so you can take care of her.

Right on! :)