[amess]

My boyfriend and I broke up I had a one night stand with my ex. Called my boyfriend the next morning and told him about it.

Two months later I found out I was pregnant. We went to the dr. asked the probable conception date and we were sure we slept together that day, but it was always slightly in the back of our minds the possibility(since the dates can be off).

Baby was born looking identical to my boyfriend. Boyfriend signed AOP and birth certificate.

A few months later his look started changing and I had to find out for sure. Took the paternity test with my ex (the one night stand) and the baby turned out to be his.

He wants NOTHING to do with my child, but does want to pay support. My boyfriend does not know we did the test. I asked my boyfriend numerous times to do a test and he declines saying he loves "our" son no matter what. My boyfriend gets very furious when I bring up the probability of someone else being our sons father.

I can't live this lie anymore. I am at a loss as to what is best for my son. My boyfriend is an amazing father I would like him to know the truth but the truth will only hurt him as the one night stand is an alcoholic who lives hours away.

Please help me! I need some serious advice! This lie is ruining my life. I cry myself to sleep daily.

[GV70]

People have to live with the consequences of their actions and lives.
You had unprotected sex with your ex... You had a secret DNA test performed...

You MUST tell your BF that he is not related biologically to your son,that he was fathered by your "ex", and let him to decide what to do.

[GV70]

Please help me! I need some serious advice!! This lie is ruining my life. I cry myself to sleep daily.

Do you need a legal advice? Here is a Family law legal board .

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, the real bio father is going to tell the child, or at some point blood types may come up, or some medical issue. The truth most likely will come up. Next the truth is never wrong.

You should have been honest with everyone from start. Next as you noted estimated dates are just that a guess.

But the bio father will need to file in court to have his paternity established.

[amess]

The bio father won't file for paternity. He wants things to stay the way they are. I can't afford an attorney. I have asked him to petition the courts or get an attorney and he won't.

He demands to pay child support, but I don't want it. He is afraid that I will come back on him later, but that is not even possible until he is actually established as the father in court.

I am going to talk to my boyfriend very soon.

[stinawords]

Ok legally he dosen't have to pay as you know because he has not proven to be the father. You really do need to tell your boy friend the truth. Then he can decide what he wants to do. He may change his mind or he may not but ultimately you have to leave that up to him. You could end up with charges filed on you because if you keep letting this go on.

[stinawords]

You wouldn't have charges brought on you because of what happened at birth. So no she is not wrong about that. And it sounds like you are unlikely to have any charges brought on by either guy just from the little I know about them from their attitudes. That doesn't mean though that your situation won't change once your boyfriend knows the truth. I wouldn't want him to think harsh things about a child it isn't the child's fault. However, kids are expensive I know, I have them. I would suggest some couples counseling to help you two mend your relationship and give the child a healthy stable home.

[stinawords]

I also noticed you started two other threads, please don't do that just continue on this same one and your questions will still be answered. Now as far as the child support goes. Fr. Chuck was right he is just blowing smoke. However, you can not take him to court over child support with out first submitting to a court ordered DNA test to prove he is the father. This means that you have to get a court date and the judge will order one, then after the results come back you have another court date about support. What type of notarized documents are you wanting to bring to court? If it is about the DNA test you have to have it court ordered they won't accept a private one. Other than that sure it helps but I'm not sure what type of documents you are talking about. So again, you might want to tell your boyfriend sooner rather than later because if not he will hear the truth in court.

[GV70]

About the notarized documents...we have a dna test that has been notarized supposedly that makes it admissable in court. Another thing is the bio dad is trying to get me to sign a notarized document saying he will pay me child support x amount of dollars/month.

He has given me a little bit of money when I was having a hard time, but it is not a monthly thing. I would never say he didn't give me anything but I keep telling him at this point the court would consider it a gift? Is that correct.

No. Only Court ordered DNA tests are admissible there.

[stinawords]

If he won't take you and you don't go to file then he won't have to worry about support. Hate to say it but those are the things people generally think about before they put one party or another on a birthcirtificate when they don't know who the father is.

[ScottGem]

First, I see the bigger issue is in telling your boyfriend about the one night stand. Since he already knows about it the paternity is not that big a deal.

I would approach him by saying the real father of your child is the one who raises him. Just because he's not the bio father doesn't make him any less your son's father.

As for the bio father. I would tell him, if he wants to contribute to his son's upbringing, you will be happy to take anything he wants to give and put it in a college fund for him. But since you have no intention of allowing him to become the legal father, then there is no support issue.

[amess]

My boyfriend does know about the one night stand. He knew the entire time. He just doesn't want to face the truth, but I need to. My boyfriend never wanted a test because he says he is his no matter what. I just had to know the truth. I am scared to tell my boyfriend I did the test without his knowing it.

I have not told the bio father he cannot be the legal father. It is only his right, but he has to step up. I will not force my child on anyone!

Bio father wants to pay cs. He says he wants my son to have things that he needs and wants. He and I quote him said "I would only make your son's life worse if I was to become involved because of my alcoholism and living so far away" He doesn't want to step foot in a court house under any circumstance. Is there any way I could get into trouble for accepting money from him without it being legally documented? I already know he does not "have" to pay me anything since paternity hasn't been officially established in courts.

[ScottGem]

Like I said, the bio father can pay you anything he wants. You will not get in trouble by accepting what he's willing to give. The only problem would be if you were to go after him for court ordered support. At that point you would have to legally establish paternity first. Also, if you were to go for public assistance they would require the bio father pay support. So, he needs to document anything he gives you for his protection.

But if you have no intention of going to court, then there is no problem. At some point in time the father listed on the because will become the legal father and the bio father will no longer be able to chanllenge it.

[amess]

In my state it is 2 years old the bio father can no longer challenge. Does this go the same for the mother? What if, in 2 years I have the money and am ready to take him to court would it be possible?

I have a job and am able to provide for my kid. I took his money once while I was still in college. I just cannot provide the way he would be able to with his income. I have told him if he didn't want to be involved I didn't want his money either. I am starting to feel differently as I resent him for not wanting to be a part of my child's life. I figure the least he could do is support financially if he doesn't want to do anything else. I didn't get into this by myself and my boyfriend didn't get me in it either.

[ScottGem]

I believe that once the legal father is established, then the bio father is off the hook.

[stinawords]

While you are right that you didn't get into being a mother by yourself, you also can't make him pay when there is someone else's name on the birthcirtificate. And after two years you wouldn't be ablt to challenge it either. The least he could do is NOTHING!! He was not put on the birth cirtificate you automatically placed your boyfriend on it making the child legally his unless proved otherwise in the court. YOU didn't want that. Have you even told your boyfriend yet? Here's the thing if you want support then the bio dad has to be the legal dad unless you and your boyfriend get married and he wants to adopt after a year of marriage... then the bio dad can sign over his rights and no longer pay support either. Bottom line you can't have your cake and eat it too.

[amess]

I don't want to have my cake and eat it too. That's why I did the test. I wanted him to step up, straighten his life out and be a dad. He says he can't. So I think if he can't take responsibility in that way then he can financially support my son. I have gotten myself into a lot of debt since becoming pregnant and my child was born. If I had someone to help me it would not be so bad. I don't expect my boyfriend to help me pay a babysitter or anything like that. I am not going to have that come back on me.

I don't plan on marrying my boyfriend anytime soon so adoption is not an option.

[GV70]

I dont want to have my cake and eat it too.

Really??
According to you;

My boyfriend is an amazing father I would like him to know the truth but the truth will only hurt him as the one night stand is an alcoholic who lives hours away.

My boyfriend never wanted a test because he says he is his no matter what. I just had to know the truth. I am scared to tell my boyfriend I did the test without his knowing it.

I think you are right. He wants to pay me $800/month which is really good and would help me immensely. I told him if and when we agree I only would ask $450 of him.

Don't you see where your problem is:confused:

[amess]

Yes, somewhat.

So what do you suggest I do if I can't afford an attorney and he won't take me to court or file a paternity action?

Im stuck. I don't want to force my child on him. He wants no visitation. He wants to pay support and I am about to the point where I am willing to accept it. I just don't want more trouble than I am already in over this mess.

[stinawords]

What you need to do is see that your problem is your boyfriends problem. He is the legal father not the bio dad. You can accept whatever gifts from the bio dad that he is willing to give. However you can not say you have to pay "X" amount because he really dosen't have to pay a dime because you don't want him to be the father you want your boyfriend to be the father. The longer you let it go on the worse it will get!! The first step is to as everyone has said TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND. After he has made up his mind as to if he still wants to be the father and take full responsibility for claiming to be the father which includes FINANCIAL responsibility or if he wants to take you to court and get his name off the birth cirtificate. Until you aren't due anything from the bio father and he would be foolish to give you anything because if you do end up in court he will also be paying back support.