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kirope · May 7, 2008, 06:53 AM

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 3 1/2 years and has not been the best one. Well yesterday my 9 year old son got in some trouble and I punish him, when my boyfriend got home he heard me talking about it with my mother, so he started to argue with me on why I didn't wait till he got home for me to talk to him about it and for him to put the punishment. And I DON'T AGREE, I don't feel like I have to check with anyone about how to handle my son, not even his father. What do you think, I'm over reacting?

nickynicky · May 7, 2008, 07:18 AM

I think you were quite right to do what you did , if you are going to punish a child for something then it needs to be done straight after the bad deed was done , you could have been waiting hours or days to seek approval from boyfriend or child's father . If it was me in the situation I would have given the punishment to the child and when be f returned home sat both be f and child down and said " right child did this he is grounded for two days, " so both partys know that each other is aware of punishment , I think your be f should back up what ever decision you made at the time of his absence!

bigbird213 · May 7, 2008, 07:47 AM

Just for the record:

When I was younger, "Just wait till your father gets home..." were 7 of the scariest words I ever heard...

Romefalls19 · May 7, 2008, 07:49 AM

Well I would agree with BB213 but I must "spread the rep" but yes... Those were words I NEVER wanted to hear. And sadly, I heard them often and it was usually at around 1 pm and dad didn't get home until 5:30.. 4 and a half hours to knowing that the belt will be coming was the worst possible thing

kirope · May 7, 2008, 09:06 AM

I think what bothers me the most is that he is not even my sons father, he always looking at what he does wrong but never look at the good things my son do, (good grades, doing his chores, etc) so I feel like if he doesn't care about what he does good why does he needs to care about what he did wrong.

Romefalls19 · May 7, 2008, 09:16 AM

Yea, that's a different story, you should have included that in the description so we could have made a more accurate determination.

If that's the case, having a sit down with your boyfriend telling him how you feel in a rational but firm conversation may be the best laid plan. If you only focus on a child's faults it will only hinder the child

bigbird213 · May 7, 2008, 10:50 AM

I'm glad you have the best interest of your child in mind. I don't have experience with this but I can imagine that being in a relationship with tension between your child and your boyfriend can't turn out good. I just hope that you keep your child's interests first, as it seems you are...

I also agree with you that he shouldn't have any interest in punishing him if he takes little interest in the rest of his life. If, on the other hand, he acts like a father figure, then I don't see anything wrong with him being included in the punishment area. He must first demonstrate his willingness to be a father-figure to your child though.

talaniman · May 7, 2008, 11:21 AM

You are quite right in handling your own business with your son. He is not the father, and really has no say in what you do. My wife would never wait for me to come home, but I was expected to back up any decision she made as far as punishment, and I always did. That's what your b/f needs to do, so talk it over with him, and clear the air and let him know where you stand..

For the record, we got punished, and dreaded my father coming home to deal with us, after my mother did. Double jeopardy applied in our house.

Romefalls19 · May 7, 2008, 11:25 AM

I had that as well Tal... If I was that bad, wooden spoon followed by a leather belt! Torture, but I still think kids should be beat today. I came out better for it

bigbird213 · May 7, 2008, 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I had that as well Tal...If I was that bad, wooden spoon followed by a leather belt! Torture, but I still think kids should be beat today. I came out better for it

I agree 100%.

You got the spoon too huh? I don't like using the word "beat" as it has bad connotations but I know what you meant :)

N0help4u · May 7, 2008, 11:38 AM

I agree with Talaniman
As long as your son learns from your punishments then I agree you should be the one to punish him. What happens if your boyfriend does all the punishing and you break up then he doesn't want to listen to you? You have to stay in control. Turning the punishing over to him could very easily end up in your son resenting you if your boyfriend is not fair and/or overly punishes him.
It is too easy for kids especially teens to disregard their punishment and rebel. You do not want to lose your ground now when he will be getting into his teenage years before you know it. Have a talk with your boyfriend and explain you feel you need to maintain your say over what he does. That if he wants involved in the punishing it should be backing you up.
If you are going to stay with him he does need some say and backing you up because if your son does ever get into the defying stage it will be too late for back up by then.
But NO he can not and should not take over.

Romefalls19 · May 7, 2008, 11:41 AM

That spoon freakin hurt too! You wouldn't think it did, but by god it really stung. And yes perhaps beat was the wrong word. Maybe spanked is better, but either way it all hurt me

bigbird213 · May 7, 2008, 12:17 PM

Yeah, and now we have politicians saying it should be illegal to put your hands no your children, put them in time-out instead.

Hah, I have cousins who get put in "time-out" -- brats...

N0help4u · May 7, 2008, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

yeah, and now we have politicians saying it should be illegal to put your hands no your children, put them in time-out instead.

hah, I have cousins who get put in "time-out" -- brats....

Yeah nowadays timeout means staying in your room with your computer, video games and music.

bushg · May 7, 2008, 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by kirope

I think what bothers me the most is that he is not even my sons father, he always looking at what he does wrong but never look at the good things my son do, (good grades, doing his chores, etc) so I feel like if he doesn't care about what he does good why does he needs to care about what he did wrong.

My opinion is that you should think of why you are involved with this man and what effect it is having on your son. This child should not have to live in the shadow of someone that is always seeing the bad and not the good. You said in your first post that the realationship wasn't that good so if you don't have a good relationship with this man and he sees only bad things in your child why bother with him at all?

kirope · May 9, 2008, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Yea, that's a different story, you should have included that in the description so we could have made a more accurate determination.

If that's the case, having a sit down with your boyfriend telling him how you feel in a rational but firm conversation may be the best laid plan. If you only focus on a childs faults it will only hinder the child

I Agree with that!!!

kirope · May 9, 2008, 11:14 AM

You know you guys are right about all of that and I have been thinking about it really good, I'm just trying to play my cards right. I'm a mortgage broker and you guys know how bad the economy is right now, so I started a cleaning service business and I'm waiting for this business to pick up a little so I can move on, and at the same time trying to payoff all of my bills so when the time comes I don't have to kill myself badly, like I did with my ex-husband, I'm not going to put my son thru this crap anymore because is not worthed.

JaCKiiE · May 9, 2008, 11:24 AM

I agree with you. You shouldn't let your boyfriend try to
Decide what you do with your kid.
I'm 16 years and I have a step father, I hate it when
He tries to take over on what I should or not do.
You don't want your son hating your boyfriend
Later on..

ConfusedInAK · May 9, 2008, 11:33 AM

OK... I have to voice my opinion here...

Do you let your boyfriend take care of your son in other ways? You know like playing with him like a son and providing meals for him and other things a "dad" would do?

You know when you have a kid you are a package deal, and he obviously accepted that when you told him you had a son right?

I don't think it is fair to separate him as a father figure just when it comes to discipline. That shows your son that this man in his life has no authority. HOWEVER I think you should have a serious talk about how things are to be done.

I am speaking from experience... I have an 8 year old daughter that is not biologically my boyfriends... we have 3 other kids that are his biologically. I have to remind him every once in a while that the discipline needs to be handed out evenly.

Unless you have no plans of keeping this man in your life, if he is the "father figure" why would you separate your son from him when he gets in trouble?

And then it is my opinion if you have no plans of this current boyfriend staying in your life and being a father figure... maybe he shouldn't be living with you?

kirope · May 9, 2008, 11:47 AM

ConfusedInAK: On my mind for him to be able to be a father figure he has to participate on my childs life, he has to promp him when he does something good or right, he has to spent time with him, playing, movies, be part of my sons baseball team like I'm the team mom he could also show up on those games and practices. He only wants to be a father figure when is time to punish my son. And I was the one who carry my son for 8 months, I'm the one that take care of him when he is sick, and everything that is on my sons life is part of me, but he only focus on when he does something wrong and my son is only 9 yrs old and he will be doing things that he has no business doing because at the end of the day he still a child. And no he does not provide anything for my child I do it all.