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kristy_ree · May 7, 2008, 12:24 AM

My husband and I have been married for two years and have two young children, I'm finding it hard to keep up with the house work and look after our children and do family day care at home and find time for myself. I continually ask my husband to help out more but he complains that he is to tired from working all day he also asked my sister inlaw how come she can keep her house keep and I cant, I continually feel stressed and was also diagnosed with post natal depression after my second child was born 9 months ago and my husband is blaming everything on that now, I told him before christmas if things didn't change after christmas he would have to leave and he helped out for a while but got into his old habits again of doing nothing and watching TV all the time, I have even tried using a roster to share out the house work but even that didn't work. My mother a told me to leave him but I don't know what to do, I worry about how this will impact on the children and if I really can do it all on my own, please help

JBeaucaire · May 7, 2008, 01:30 AM

If he ever does the comparison thing again about other mothers keeping house better than you, say: "Well, if you think that's a fair comparison, then OK... But Suzie's husband works the same hours you do and makes twice as much money. Why can't you make as much money as him in the same amount of time?"

Comparing individuals is not only unfair, it's pointless, rude, and downright nasty. You shouldn't allow it, you shouldn't do it.

As for getting him to help, you'll need to get creative. Pile the trash in front of the TV. Laundry you want folded left by his chair with the remote at the bottom of the pile. You'll need to stay light-hearted and "fun-loving" during the times you are trying to jostle him into helping.

You could just join him, too. Plop down on the chair next to him, "Man, have WE had a long day or what!? Let's watch some news." You don't move until he does.

Things aren't going to change without him doing it on his own, he needs to some real "guy type" reasons to get better, not girlie reasons like "you should love me enough to help." Guy reasons. "Dinner tonight is Steak and Potatoes if you help with kids baths, or Raisin Bran if I do it alone. Which would you like?"

Have fun with it. Getting mad is counter to what you're doing. You're trying to show him working with you around the house in the evening can be fun, but only if you two make it so.

Clough · May 7, 2008, 02:01 AM

I agree with the answer above! And, just wanted to say, that I don't think you have exhausted all of your resources in order to make your marriage successful. I also think that there might be something that you might not be telling us here as to what is going on.

I mean, asking about leaving your husband is a subject that is serious and deserves serious consideration dependent upon all of facts that are presented. Relationships take maintenance, work, looking for the resources to make them work, give and take on the part of both persons, a willingness to change for the sake of the relationship, if it is necessary, etc. Thank you!

kristy_ree · May 7, 2008, 02:22 AM

I not sure what you think I'm not saying but it is a combinations of things like spending all of our spare money and we are not saving anything I have tried to make it fun to do the house work even getting our two year old daughter in on it but it didn't work, a also have trouble trying to getting him to back me up when it comes to the kids with stuff they can and can't do and feel like he is letting our daughter walk all over me .

JBeaucaire · May 7, 2008, 10:12 AM

You don't need his permission to make your daughter behave. When he tries to remove a punishment or corrective action you've already put in place... you calmly keep it in place. Don't let an argument ensue.

You: "She's grounded from TV."
Him: (an hour later) "It's OK, she can watch TV now."
You: (chuckle light-heartedly) "No, she can't. I'd hate to have to ground you, as well."
Him: "I don't think she needs to be grounded."
You: (CALMLY) "I'll try to get you involved next time, you just don't usually seem to care about disciplining the children. I'm really glad you want to do it right, that's awesome. This time...she's grounded."

talaniman · May 7, 2008, 11:03 AM

I think your really overwhelmed right now. Understandable. May I suggest some better time management, that allows you some time to yourself, either during the day, or after the young ones are in bed. Once you get a much better routine things will fall into place much easier and you won't resent hubbie as much. Remember some things he can do for himself in a pinch, so let him. It doesn't have to be a war when it comes to the kids as those are the things you discuss in private and work together to be a united front. Talk and listen, and don't stress over not getting everything done in an hour. Take your time and make it work for you. What are you doing about that depression?

kristy_ree · May 7, 2008, 02:52 PM

After the kids are in bed at 8pm I try I'm still going getting dishes done cleaning up after kids bath, folding washing and while my husband seems to be able to either sneak off the bed at 8.30 or fall asleep in his chair in front of the TV, I'm never in bed before 11pm and up everyday with the kids at 6am, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my husband is 16 years older than me and is to set in his ways I just find it hard to get him to change even if it is only a little to accommodate me and our kids, as for the depression I had stopped taking the medication as things were really good and I didn't want to rely on it when I'm hoping my husband can help to take some of the load off, and I don't ask much of him just to help with the nightly things so I can get to bed a little earlier or sit and watch a little TV as if I don't try to keep on to the stuff at night it just builds up to more work.

talaniman · May 7, 2008, 06:07 PM

as for the depression I had stopped taking the medication as things were really good and I didn't want to rely on it

All due respect, that's a doctors decision to make, and you should respect that.

when I'm hoping my husband can help to take some of the load off,

If he has never done that why do you expect him to change? When its time to take a hot bath, drop what your doing. And enjoy your hot bath.

tishsuz · May 7, 2008, 06:14 PM

I am bipolar and my ex loved to blame everything on that. Just because we get moody, doesn't mean it's our fault. Some men like to push and push and then blame us for getting upset. We've all heard the line "Is it that time of month?" and have come close to homicide, right?
I think marriage counseling could help. (My ex and I went and, when the counselor said he was wrong, he walked out... then I did.)
Anyhow, he needs a good talking to by a third party. If that doesn't help, some time apart may be just what the Dr. ordered.

mattyamaha_27 · May 7, 2008, 06:28 PM

I just wanted to say, I am 19. My dad was lazy, my mom did all the "womanly" things around the house. But its because it is how my dad grew up his mom did all the womanly things. It is hard to change, I think getting creative is a really good idea though.

kristy_ree · May 8, 2008, 03:26 PM

[QUOTE=talaniman]All due respect, that's a doctors decision to make, and you should respect that.

It was a decision my doctor and I had come to I didn't just stop

talaniman · May 8, 2008, 10:32 PM

my husband is 16 years older than me and is to set in his ways I just find it hard to get him to change

How old are you both and how long have you known each other? Sorry for the questions, just trying to get a clear picture.

kristy_ree · May 8, 2008, 10:40 PM

I'm 25 and my husband is 41 and we have know each other for 7 years we knew each other before we started dating a little over three years ago

talaniman · May 8, 2008, 11:09 PM

You're a new wife and mom, be patient with yourself, as you find your own groove. I can tell you though as overwhelmed as you are, there is no need trying to be perfect, as there is only so much time in the day. Something's can go until tomorrow, and I don't care what hubbie thinks. I'm sure you don't tell him how to do his job, so why listen when he complains about yours? The first lesson my wife taught me years ago, if I don't like the way she does her thing, do it my freaking self. (Cleaned up the language). My whole point is do it your way, and make time for you. Even if the laundry has to sit over night. Learn to love yourself, and know how to make your own happiness. Let him sit on the couch after work, while you instead of moping the kitchen, get the kids, and go visit for a few hours. You have to many options to be so stressed, and overwhelmed. Does my point make sense?

kristy_ree · May 8, 2008, 11:42 PM

It is amazing how many people have told me just to let go of the house work, but it is hard when you go from being someone who could keep a house tidy before kids and now not having the time to keep it clean it become very hard in a way the problem with my husband could be that he can let go so easy and I can't funny eh

talaniman · May 9, 2008, 12:47 PM

Take a page from hubbie, and sit and watch TV, when he gets home so you guys can happily. Talk and listen, and BOND! Together time shouldn't be anything but smiles and laughs. EVERYTHING goes better when your happy with yourself, and life. Even dishes. (?)

crazybird · May 9, 2008, 01:38 PM

I agree that you need to take time off and get a break but the work will get more piled up before you know it. Then you will have twice the work load and your husband will not help you with that either. I feel you need to talk to a marriage counselor. Your husband sounds like he is totally clueless as to what you really have to do. If he cares about you and your marriage he will want to get help. If he only goes to the counselor once or not at all you should go for the support. If you really love him and he is great otherwise try to work this out. If he is not a good husband at all and will not bend LEAVE HIM. Don't waste your youth and your life being miserable. It won't help the children either. It is better to be alone and happy than married in name only.

talaniman · May 10, 2008, 04:19 AM

crazybird agrees: Sorry Tal, but kissing her husbands a$$ is not the answer.

No one suggests that as a course of action. The bottom line is about the ability to communicate, and work together. That starts with the partner who is unhappy, and goes to her ability make the adjustments in her own life, that bring about her own happiness. From that foundation she can at least start a plan that makes time for herself, her work, and her family in a positive way. Many females to this in today's world, and take care of the things that go into maintaining a home, and find the time to do the things that they enjoy and are happy. Much easier to establish the lines of communication, and caring from that position, than being a crying nag, for sure. Her husband sees nothing wrong, and probably was trained his whole life to work, and come home, and let the wife do the housework. To change that dynamic, his thinking must be altered, and that takes a lot of time. She can only change herself, and be more proactive in her own way she goes about doing things, and yes its working, and learning, which is understandable, but she will come up with her own plan for herself, whether hubbie changes or not. A marriage is a process in the works, and takes many years to develop, with a lot of hard work on both sides, so 2/3 years is still a learning curve she finds herself in. They have problems to solve true, but it won't happen overnight. Kissing his a$$ is not the advice I gave, and maybe you should reread the whole of my posts again. Its much to early to throw in the towel, and seek a separation/divorce. They are both still learning how to fit, and work together. I agree the counseling can help.
.

Clough · May 10, 2008, 05:25 AM

I couldn't spread the rep so soon, tal. But, just wanted to say excellent response!

crazybird · May 10, 2008, 02:37 PM

Tals quote:

Take a page from hubbie, and sit and watch TV, when he gets home so you guys can happily. Talk and listen, and BOND!

I didn't suggest you told her to kiss his butt but by avoiding the conversation is essentially what she would be doing. I agree they need to spend time together. I didn't suggest she "throw in the towel" immediately, if he is a good husband. I don't know her life and can't assume what her husband is really like. But I stand by what I previously said, try to work it out but if he isn't going to try she should leave.