[mg129]

I'm a 25 year old straight male, I've run into an issue at work. I have a friend at work who is gay, and who I think may have more than friend feelings for me. No, it is not cause I am a guy, I am not that shallow. I am not homophobic either, but also not gay.

A few months back, Tom (not real name) started taking breaks at lunch with me. We work for a decent sized company, but currently I work more 2nd shift type hours, and he works first shift. I found it kind of strange that he would want to take a lunch break from 3-4 pm when he was working 8-5 but that was his decision.

He is someone that I have a very similar personality too, similar sense of humor, and I respect the fact that he is gay as long as he respects the fact I am straight. He is in a relationship and has been for a while (hes about ten years older) but it isn't a happy one- they have separate rooms, take separate vacations, and wore rings until about a year ago when Tom gave his back due to several conflicts. They aren't breaking up but the partner mentions it on occasion for dramatic effect and tom says he doesn't care- I say don't you want to care? But again, it is his life. We just started hanging out about a year ago, a little less. I met his partner once at a get together with other co workers, there did not seem to be much closeness, and any time ever since Tom has only wanted to get together out of work with his partner not around... Odd or no?

At first there was no discomfort, and at the first sign of it, I should have hit the brakes, but I was just hoping things would blow over or change. He started contacting me quite a bit outside of work, and on weekends, or days I was not in the office, calling me or texting, to establish contact. Other co workers noticed he wasn't coming around my area if I wasn't around. OK, no big deal necessarily. However then he started taking certain things in conversations and giving them a certain sexual underdone, and anytime I ever mentioned a girl or past relationship, he would totally change the subject.

More recently, after hearing me discuss music with other co workers, the next day I came in to a pile of 6-8 burned cds that he had made. Nice gesture, definitely. All of the cds were labeled with album name, track name etc. However, there was one mix he made, by a group I like called incubus, but the selection of songs was all ones like I miss you, I wish you were here, love hurts, "how do you do it...make me feel like i do..." this was one cd that was not labelled, it was blank altogether. Of all the songs this band has had over the years, is this a coincidence or am I reading too much into it?

Last weekend, on Sat night, I was out with a group of friends and received several texts from him about how much he had drank. He had mentioned that he was going to a party a friend was having. Then he later called but I was at a bar, and not to be rude didn't want to be stuck on the phone, so only talked for a second. On Monday I made some comment about how he sounded pretty drunk and like he had fun, and he did not remember calling and was so taken aback that he could not remember our conversation though I said it was brief and there was nothing to remember. What was he so afraid of saying?

I just feel like these are all red flags, and don't know what to do with the situation. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but my gut is telling me that I am not. I don't think he would necessarily admit anything if I called him out on it, and what would the point be. He is someone I do like as a friend, but realize we are different and the friendship can only go so far, but yet don't want to keep pushing this further... so I'm just lost. Any insight?

[N0help4u]

Maybe he is looking for nothing more than a guy friend. I would just be his friend and make sure he keeps it at just that. If the point in time comes that you have to tell you respect his being gay but he needs to respect your being straight you will have to make that clear to him.
In the meantime he just might not have a clue where friends and overly friendly lines are on some things.

[liz28]

I think that he has develop feeling for you but don't know how to tell you because he knows your straight but is throwing out hints. You should always follow your gut instant because its proven to always be right.

This situation is very uncomfortable because you can't avoid him because your work together. I would suggest you talk to him but you stated he will never admit to nothing. If your planning on leaving your job soon then just try to limit your contact with him, like when he comes around pretend to be busy and soon he will get it. Have little contact with him outside of work and hope nothing gets worse. Just watch what signs you throw at him because he is taking it another way and it might due to his realationship he in and he feels safe with you but maybe you need to just talk to him about the lines that being cross and even if he don't admit to anything at least he knows and if he your friend will understand and listen to what you say If it continues after you talk with him then you should have no contact.

[Fr_Chuck]

So hard to tell, I have several gay friends, and as we became friends we often even joke about sexual things, him about me straight and so on.
Not all the time of course but just like two good frineds joke about women if they are both straight and so on.

So talk to him, he may become a great fishing buddy, or he may think you will be his next date, you have to make it clear where you stand.

[talaniman]

You treat him like you would any other friend, and that's that. Deal with the circumstances honestly, as they happen, if they happen. Otherwise its honesty, and respect, as in any friendship.

[sandy311]

I'm a 25 year old straight male, I've run into an issue at work. I have a friend at work who is gay, and who i think may have more than friend feelings for me. No, it is not cause i am a guy, I am not that shallow. I am not homophobic either, but also not gay.

A few months back, Tom (not real name) started taking breaks at lunch with me. We work for a decent sized company, but currently i work more 2nd shift type hours, and he works first shift. I found it kind of strange that he would want to take a lunch break from 3-4 pm when he was working 8-5 but that was his decision.

He is someone that i have a very similar personality too, similar sense of humor, and i respect the fact that he is gay as long as he respects the fact i am straight. He is in a relationship and has been for a while (hes about ten years older) but it isn't a happy one- they have separate rooms, take separate vacations, and wore rings until about a year ago when Tom gave his back due to several conflicts. they aren't breaking up but the partner mentions it on occasion for dramatic effect and tom says he doesn't care- i say don't you want to care? but again, it is his life. We just started hanging out about a year ago, a little less. I met his partner once at a get together with other co workers, there did not seem to be much closeness, and any time ever since Tom has only wanted to get together out of work with his partner not around... Odd or no?

At first there was no discomfort, and at the first sign of it, i should have hit the brakes, but i was just hoping things would blow over or change. He started contacting me quite a bit outside of work, and on weekends, or days i was not in the office, calling me or texting, to establish contact. Other co workers noticed he wasn't coming around my area if i wasn't around. OK, no big deal necessarily. However then he started taking certain things in conversations and giving them a certain sexual underdone, and anytime i ever mentioned a girl or past relationship, he would totally change the subject.

More recently, after hearing me discuss music with other co workers, the next day i came in to a pile of 6-8 burned cds that he had made. Nice gesture, definitely. All of the cds were labeled with album name, track name etc. However, there was one mix he made, by a group i like called incubus, but the selection of songs was all ones like i miss you, i wish you were here, love hurts, "how do you do it...make me feel like i do..." this was one cd that was not labelled, it was blank altogether. Of all the songs this band has had over the years, is this a coincidence or am i reading too much into it??

Last weekend, on Sat night, i was out iwth a group of friends and received several texts from him about how much he had drank. he had mentioned that he was going to a party a friend was having. then he later called but i was at a bar, and not to be rude didn't want to be stuck on the phone, so only talked for a second. On Monday i made some comment about how he sounded pretty drunk and like he had fun, and he did not remember calling and was so taken aback that he could not remember our conversation though i said it was brief and there was nothing to remember. What was he so afraid of saying?

I just feel like these are all red flags, and don't know what to do with the situation. Maybe i am reading too much into it, but my gut is telling me that i am not. I don't think he would necessarily admit anything if i called him out on it, and what would the point be. He is someone i do like as a friend, but realize we are different and the friendship can only go so far, but yet don't want to keep pushing this further....so I'm just lost. Any insight?

I don't think your reading into it too much but I think you could relax a little. He can't make you do something that you don't want to do and as far as drinking around him it should be cool but watch how much you drink so that everything stays under control.