[bengboy]

Before you tell me to get over it and "just move on", please let me give you a few details.
I met Fergs about a year ago through a mutual friend. We both smoked a lot of pot at the time, so one afternoon she invited me over for a bowl. We clicked right off the bat and began hanging out every day. Fergs is very pretty and extremely giving, someone who didn't play any games and wore her thoughts and feelings on her sleeve.
I'm considered attractive also, and do pretty well with the ladies. But I always respond to a challenge, and even more so to a girl who needs saving. Well at this point I didn't think of her like that, but I couldn't help but have a crush on her. She made me feel so good, the way she paid me attention.
After awhile it got to the point where we were always saying I love you to each other, but she said that to other friends as well so I didn't interpret it as anything special. However she called me every day wanting to hang out, obviously had a high opinion of me, never tried to use me for anything, and told me that I was one of her three best friends (the other two were also lesbians).
Well all this while I did nothing because she lived with her girlfriend of over a year, and I respected their relationship. But a couple months ago e hit the fan.
One thing you need to know about Fergs... she's never been with a guy sexually, and I believe she's only kissed a couple. She's been out of the closet since about 14 or 15, and always struck me as a genuine lesbian, not a girl trying to get attention or a man-hater.
Anyway, Fergs has always had serious knee problems and it was time for her third surgery. She was under a lot of stress. I started to notice her fighting with her girl a lot. Then I found out she was interested in this girl named Kelsey who worked with them at Chili's. After her surgery, everything got crazy, she broke up with her girl, and started hanging out with Kelsey.
Fergs had adopted the habit of kissing me on the lips whenever we said goodbye, which really made my heart race. But I have a tendency to be shy and let the girls do the chasing, so I laid back and waited.
Fergs told me she really liked Kelsey, but made it clear that they weren't together. I wasn't sure, but something told me she might be a little interested in me also.
Then one night I was hanging out with her at her apartment and she invited me to spend the night. I slept in her bed, and to make a long story short we made out. She wanted to take it further but I wasn't comfortable with it and didn't let her.
The next day we both played it cool. I was on cloud nine though! She hung out with Kelsey and I was like "whatever".
I knew she was stressed out, confused, and conflicted. But I had very strong feelings for her by this point, and I needed to express them somehow. I told her straight up that I really liked her, which may have been a bad move, but it eased my pain a little. I didn't ask her how she felt, and she didn't reveal anything except that she didn't know I felt that way.
Our friendship seemed unaffected by my confession, but seeing her with Kelsey started to really bother me. So I told her I didn't want to hang out with the two of them anymore. She was definitely offended and this is where things started to go downhill.
However there was a second instance where I spent the night with her and we fooled around again. She told me I was the first guy she had done this kind of thing with, and I believe her. Anyway, I tried to be cool about everything but she was still all over Kelsey.
Then things escalated and I told her I needed some space. We didn't talk for a week, but I'm supposed to go see her for the first time tonight. My plan is to be as lighthearted as possible from now on, try to forget what happened before, and just be a good friend.
Yet I'm afraid my feelings will return in full force when I see her again. And I really want to be intimate with her... I'm not satisfied with "just friends" anymore. Should I tough it out, or what? I know there are more "suitable matches" for me, but I've been close to this girl for so long and I REALLY want to take things to another level. Obviously some part of her seems interested in that also. What's my move? Thanks for your input.

[ConfusedInAK]

Ok... for clarity, I think we need to address the fact that lesbians are not sexually attracted to men and gay men are not sexually attracted to women... so I think we can safely say that perhaps your friend is bi-sexual, since apparently she is very attracted to you though she has only been with women.

This is going to take some discussion and understanding on both your parts. You are going to have to think about and discuss many things you may not really want to or feel ready to. I wouldn't breach that friendship barrier if it is going to destroy what you have.

First off friends with benefits rarely works out... unless there is a CLEAR understanding of the boundaries of the relationship. Second, this may end up being a one time thing for you and her and if you aren't OK with that... then definitely don't cross that line!

If she likes you, you like her, and she just happens to be in to women anyway... you my friend are in the middle of many a mans fantasy. But fantasies are just that, and so many complicated relationships end badly... IF there haven't been proper discussions before hand...

I could write about this for another hour... so I'm going to call it quits, but if you need advice you can always email...

[talaniman]

You both need to establish some boundaries, or you both will regret it. Your friends, and of course you have very strong feelings for each other. Human nature. A relationship though? I advise caution, and a lot of honest communication, as clearly the attraction is getting in the way of good common sense. I think you want more than she does, and that is not something you can build on in the long term. I think she is merely curious.

[bengboy]

Good solid advice so far. I'm taking it into consideration

[DrJ]

So how did the night of the original post go?

[Sdjosh]

Hmmm... where to begin. I would say that she is going through some things. A breakup... medical problems... drugs. It can be pretty confusing. Sometimes people just need that comfort and affection. They need to feel safe and loved. Unfortunately... there most likely isn't any thing that could develop from this. You, my friend have to realize that you can't change her or save her. You can only be there as a friend. So be that. Shelf your feelings because if you try to push it further... you are just going to loose her or put yourself in a situation that you can't be happy in.

Now here is the hard part. You have feelings. You feel the need to tell her how you feel. You want her to return them. But look at the situation you put her in. What answer can you possibly expect? Honestly? If she is Bi... then what? She will date other girls. Can you live with that while trying to make something work with her? Can you blame her for doing that... for doing what makes sense to her? You may be expecting way more than she could give at this point. Just do yourself a favor and don't cross that line anymore. It may suck but you have to protect yourself. This... I'm afraid... could only end badly.

Trust me... I know.

[zooropa1985]

Watch chasing amy, that's all I'm saying

[thegreatestviz]

Ok... for clarity, I think we need to address the fact that lesbians are not sexually attracted to men and gay men are not sexually attracted to women... so I think we can safely say that perhaps your friend is bi-sexual, since apparently she is very attracted to you though she has only been with women.

This is going to take some discussion and understanding on both your parts. You are going to have to think about and discuss many things you may not really want to or feel ready to. I wouldn't breach that friendship barrier if it is going to destroy what you have.

First off friends with benefits rarely works out... unless there is a CLEAR understanding of the boundaries of the relationship. Second, this may end up being a one time thing for you and her and if you aren't ok with that... then definately don't cross that line!

If she likes you, you like her, and she just happens to be in to women anyways...

Quite agreeable and true

[bengboy]

In answer to your question drjizzle, our conversation went well that night, but day before yesterday we got into it on the phone, at the end of which time I pretty much closed the door on our friendship. It all comes down to this...

1. Because Kelsey thinks that I don't like her, and knows that I have feelings for Fergs, she doesn't want us hanging out together when she's not there.
2. Because Fergs says that Kelsey's the "only person that's been there for her every day since her surgery", she doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship.
3. Things have changed and Fergs isn't able/willing to see me very often, but she still wants to be friends and keep in touch.

I wasn't really down with that so I respected myself and said goodbye. Hurts a lot, but that's life right?

[emopunk7]

Just stay strong! Let the feelings drift off or aware your brain that this just can't happen as she is into girls and that you just confused yourself... Let the feelings go man and realize she is just a cool friend just like she was in the beginning. You can then enjoy a 3some or doing it with her (protection) or just staying really close and having the best friendship ever. Don't let your emotions fool you. Now that you know what you wanted didn't come out the way planned, let the feelings settle and continue where you left off if possible and have fun! Life is tricky, play hard!

[talaniman]

I respected myself and said goodbye. Hurts a lot, but that's life right?

Pretty much sums it up. There will be a lot of things you may want but can't have, and this is only one of them.

[bengboy]

It's been a couple weeks and we haven't talked. Hindsight is always so clear, if I had done a few things differently I think the outcome would've been better. Hopefully I'll learn for next time.

[bengboy]

It's been a month or so and I get these super-strong urges to send her a text, just to see how she's doing. But I need to be consistent and stick to no-contact, right? A friend told me she saw Fergs and thought she looked really stressed and haggard, like she hadn't been sleeping. This of course makes me worry about her, but I tell myself that she doesn't need me, she has enough friends.

[talaniman]

Let the feeling pass, and do nothing in that direction, as you will react with feelings any time you hear her name.

[bigbird213]

Being you did the right thing.

What's better is it was "almost mutual". Maybe you aren't feeling so great about it, but you know deep down that it had to be done. Let time run its course and you will start to feel better. Maybe you weren't dating, but a loss is a loss and it must be dealt with in the same way. Keeping NC isn't just for breakups, but for any loss of the sort. It will help you if you continue.

Great work so far.

[Romefalls19]

The feelings will pass and you won't have the urge to text anymore, it will get better.

[emopunk7]

Hang in there pal!

[bengboy]

Thanks everyone