[1205benji]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little longer than 2 1/2 years now and everything was going great for quite a while. We had a pretty frequent sex life- in fact I was pretty damn spoiled starting. Well for about 9 months or so it started to die off a little bit and for the past 3 months we have not done it ONCE. The fact that we don't do it isn't the only problem, it's the way it messes with my head too. I feel like I really love her but it's harder then hell not to get frustrated about it. Sometimes I even wonder if it's the kind of deal where she's got her eyes on someone else but I don't think that's it. I've tried talking to her about it and she says she just doesn't get horny anymore. She's 20 and I'm 21 so that really doesn't cut it for me! Should I call it quits or try to hang on and see if things pick up again. After 3 months I'm wondering if they ever will.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

Try doing things that get her "in the mood". Perhaps she feels deprived. DO things that show her that you want to spend time with her.

[JBeaucaire]

Consider actually taking your relationship to the next level or breaking it off for a while. There's not such thing as "coasting" when you're dating. Either you're growing closer or drifting apart.

Since you aren't married, realize that at 2 1/2 years you should be at the point of exchanging rings and setting a date, right? If that isn't what's going on, then the sex thing may just be a symptom of a greater truth... you two may not be on the permanent track at all.

That really is OK if that turns out to be the case. The only sad thing is for you two to have become so comfortable together while NOT making each other continually happier and better together, that you missed the natural point where you would split up and still be friends and both be well along on your next relationship adventure... possibly with THE one.

At 21 you are in your sexual prime. I'm no big advocate of "dating sex" anyway since I believe it messes up the whole courtship, but since you do think it's important, why ignore the truth of your clear incompatibility in this area? You don't have to, you know?

Anyway, I hope you two get real honest about where you two stand and make some serious honest choices... and SOON. Time is wasting, time you will never get back.

[Chery]

What else in your relationship has gotten to the 'standstill' stage?
Have you both gotten into a daily routine without the need to go out at least once a week, or meet with friends and have some fun?

Do you wear the same grubbies at home, look at the clock at 'bedtime' and not ask how her day was? If she cooks for you, do you forget those compliments and stop helping around the place? If she wants to do something else, are you too tired, or not willing to go along because it would 'bore' you?

Sometimes, when we feel secure after the 'chase' we tend to think that it is no longer necessary to continue to add spice - this is a fatal error, especially at your age.

Try using your imagination and pretend that you are 'chasing' her again to gain her attention in more positive ways. Go for romantic walks at night, listen to good music together, see a good comedy and enjoy being together without making her think that sex is at the end of this all the time.

There is no worse turn-off for a young lady than routine boredom, no compliments, no spontaneous fun. Give her the feeling that there is more to her than just her body and see what happens. If you have not done so yet, ask her what she is still looking forward to in her future - be serious in finding out what other interests in life she has.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[templelane]

Since you aren't married, realize that at 2 1/2 years you should be at the point of exchanging rings and setting a date, right? If that isn't what's going on, then the sex thing may just be a symptom of a greater truth...you two may not be on the permanent track at all.

Don't say that your scaring me!


Right I'm a girl in a similar length relationship (almost 4 years- where did the time go? ) who also sometimes just doesn't feel like it because life just gets in the way.

I have a suggestion, try doing the sort of things you did when you first started dating.

And talk to her! Explain your frustrations, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to do this. Don't make it sound like it is her fault though. Say something like remember when we were x, y, z, I feel we have lost it a bit. I think we should make more of an effort to regain that part of our relationship back. Ask her if she has any suggestions of things she would like to do.

Start setting time for just the two of you, no TV, no work, no computers. Tell her it doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex but it is time for affection between you.

I hope this helps

[talaniman]

I've tried talking to her about it and she says she just doesn't get horny anymore.

And of course you told her that you still do, so what do we do about it?? What did she say to that?

[Chery]

And of course you told her that you still do, so what do we do about it????? What did she say to that?

Tal, I doubt she had a chance to say anything, because most young men walk out to 'cool' off, leaving her just sitting there.

I can only speak for myself as to why I didn't get horny anymore, maybe this might ring a few bells.
On a long day, with no conversation except for complaining or ing at me, telling me I didn't do this or that right, and then not even showering after sweating outside in the heat, my last ex BF expected me to be ready and willing in bed. Well I told him I was not in the mood because he treated me like crap all day and smelled. He then stated that it was OK for a man to have 'normal' manly odor and that all women are ready all the time. After that he gave me the cold shoulder for days... And this was supposed to make me change my mind?? NOT.

Sometimes we need compassion, compliments and the feeling that we can get a hug or kiss without the man thinking it's an automatic invite for him to go further - then get cold shoulder if his feelings are hurt.

We certainly don't need to be put down all day for one thing or another and then be horny because 'he' expects it.

Contrary to some opinions, we women are not always ready - and the more you push and get nasty about it, the colder we get.

Also, when in a relationship with a man who expects a woman to worry about contraception and refuses to try a condom because it's not his thing - it's a big turn-off for me.

Another turn-off is the 'wham,bam,thank you mam' without considering me and my satisfaction or favorite 'position', as long as he is satisfied and goes to sleep leaving me wondering what the heck I'm doing there..

I could go on and on, but the main thing is letting you know how important it is to show respect for her feelings without getting all upset if she is not always in the mood the same time you are. Even though you won the chase you should still work on your flirting skills with her and read her body-language, get to know what puts her in the mood and talk to her.

Finally, do you remember the glimmer in her eyes the last time she smiled at you and had a good time? If not, then you've not been doing your homework.

There is consolation for you both here, you are still young and will learn to be tuned into each other if that is what you really want. Just remember, it takes two to make it work - and it is work, hard work, to maintain a relationship and achieve happiness together.

Again, good luck.

Rent a few funny movies and make some popcorn and laugh with her. Let her know that you don't resent her current emotion and that you are willing to wait and work on it.

[talaniman]

Finally, do you remember the glimmer in her eyes the last time she smiled at you and had a good time? If not, then you've not been doing your homework.

Unfortunately, not a lot of info to go on.

[ConfusedInAK]

Hmmm... okay... so you are pretty young... and I am assuming you must not have children together (or you would have mentioned them), so children are probably not part of the issue...

I am in this position too, however I am the offender. He is 41 I am 29... 3 months could go by and I wouldn't even notice we haven't been intimate. The only time I even think about sex is because of the fact that he razzes me about not giving hiim any.

But there are SOOOO many reasons I have lost interest. A few would be: 4 kids, no help around the house, no romance, no more attraction, immaturity (on both our parts)...

But I have to say that the more he hints about it, sends me text messages about... the more he grabs my boobs and butt... the more I wish he would just go away.

There are no little love notes, words of encouragement or simple hello's anymore. There is no romance or real connection between us.

Without that... I have lost all desire to be with him...

The fact of the matter is, if he showed any real desire to be a part of our family or relationship (BEYOND something sexual), then I would probably be less depressed/B**chy/emotional and more in to having regular sex with him.

At this point though, when there is no contribution in any way... does a woman really need a man?

[Ash123]

Are you planning to marry?

If not, what are you waiting for? I'd consider telling her you want to break b/c a life without intimacy is ...lame.

It'll put all her cards on the table. If she says OK, you know that she cannot go on.
If she fights, see how much... heck, it may put her in the mood, you have the guts tp walk "off the lot"

A

[kirope]

A lot of times relationships turns into getting used to the person. That could be her problem. I'm on a similar situation as well and I'm just so used to the same things with him that I have lost interest.

[Chery]

Are you planning to marry?

If not, what are you waiting for? I'd consider telling her you want to break b/c a life without intimacy is ...lame.

it'll put all her cards on the table. if she says ok, you know that she cannot go on.
if she fights, see how much....heck, it may put her in the mood, you have the guts tp walk "off the lot"

A

Sorry Ash, that sounds like mental and physical blackmail - BIG TURN-OFF.
If a guy cannot be attentive and helpful during the day, then the night is not going to be better just by forcing the issue.

Even if he proposes marriage, and maintains the idea that he does not have to continue to work on showing her his appreciation out of the bed too, it will not work.

It does not cost anything to listen, help around the house, have a sense of humor and dish out a few compliments - let her know you still care, even if she is not in the mood. Being courteous and respectful might gain her affections again, but it is hard once this is lost.

Never ever, should a man take it for granted that after the chase all he has to do is sit back and expect her to be romantic at the drop of a hat.

'I buy the food, pay the bills, etc' just does not work anymore. There are women who get paid to perform like that and can turn their feelings off - if that's all a man cares for.

[talaniman]

I would love to know what the rest of the relationship is about. Many times all we get is a part of the story, without the info to make an informed opinion. I think Chery, and Kirope have hit on a very good point, as the most quick way to turn off another person, is to take them for granted. I know that sex, or the lack there of, is only a symptom of a greater problem in the relationship, that has not been addressed. So it would be helpful if the OP would supply more details.

[Fru5tr4t3d]

Mate, I'm having similar problems, and reading everyone's answers - although no doubt helpful to some - hasn't helped me out.
Now, I don't want to sound like the perfect partner, and although I try my hardest, I must be doing something wrong.

I work hard, I cook pretty much every night, I ALWAYS pay compliments, I tell her I love her, I've tried hours - no - DAYS of foreplay (imagine days of not trying it on - v. frustrating!). I pick her up most nights when she could quite easily get the bus home.
I think it's unavoidable for a guy not to get frustrated by the constant knock-backs, especially if we've tried and tried and tried. Hell, I remember a fortnight where I kept my cool and STILL didn't get any!

I'm 26, she's 28, and we've been seeing each other for 18 months now. I'm getting really annoyed now, and although I love her and really want to marry this girl, this issue could be the deal-breaker.
We talk about everything very openly, and it's just like someone before me wrote "she just feels nothing sometimes". When we first started going out we were at it like rabbits, and as soon as a year went by it completely dried up.

This isn't going to happen for much longer, so either I get an answer from someone or she goes. Simple as.

Girls, you may not agree with me, and I refuse to try it, but maybe I should try being a complete bastard to her. Make her do things round the house, make her get the bus etc.

Your views are welcome

[wi11ym]

That sounds a lot like my relationship. 1 year 8 months, no sex since before christmas. I'm perfectly nice to her pretty much all the time (even though she somehow finds stuff to moan about). I try to 'get her in the mood', I do lots of different things; back massage, compliments throughout the day, I even had candles in my room one night, but she just laid down in my bed and fell asleep.

I've done so much for her, stuff she'd never notice unless it didn't happen.

The only real advice I can offer you is, male sex products. I haven't tried this, but it might jolt her a bit if she sees it by your bed. I'm guessing (as you're a few years older than me) you live with your partner. She might be suspicious of a special package for you one day.

I'm holding out at the moment with out any sort of physical contact from her (as I always seem to start foreplay), so I can only suggest you to do the same. If you really love her, stick with her!