[*Judith*]

Idecook: he does assure me that he loves me whole heartedly and does want to marry me to be with me and not to gain citiznenship. He had always talked of marriage but I just assumed it was his romantic inclinations and not a real possibility and so now that it has become such I am starting to feel a little pressured and totally panicked.

[fredg]

HI, Judith,
At 16 yrs old, I can understand you being "panicky"!!
You aren't ready for marriage, and that's what makes you afraid. Your boyfriend, being 21, shouldn't be talking about marriage either with a teen.
Slow it down. Tell him you love him, but you are not thinking about marriage right now, or anytime soon in the future.
If you keep telling him you will marry him when you are 18, you are setting yourself up for some very "worry" times. You are worried right now!
Again, Slow this down. I do wish you the very best, and take control of your life; without making any more promises.

[*Judith*]

Thanks fredg! I appreciate your advice!

I did talk to him and made sure that I didn't promise him things that I knew deep down that I could never followthrough with! We've had talks over the issue of marriage and his citizenship and Im starting to think that maybe he does understand where Im coming from. Although when we first discussed it he got very angry and felt hurt and betrayed by my actions... which I told him I deeply regretted!

We are still together and his immigration troubles seem to have subsided for now, but nevertheless his life is still hard [he experienced a racist-fuelled breaking not long ago] but I have told him that I will stand by him as far as I can but there are just some things that I can't do. But Im not sure whether his apparent understanding is because there is relatively little pressure on the issue at the moment, and so if this is the case how will I deal with the situation when he has to go through another hearing?

Please tell me whether you think that my actions so far have been wise because your support through this has been undeniably useful!

[wynelle]

Judith- my personal thought is that a reasonably intelligent, caring, understanding, mature man would not be pressuring a 16 year old girl to marry him.

A 21 year-old man about to be deported would.

Now is the time to tell him that you need more time, a chance to grow up and meet other people, and then in two or three years, if you are both still interested, meet back up.

I think the pressure is temporarily off only because the deportment pressure is off.

And I would *never* to his predominantly Muslim country to get married. I've heard too many negative stories about what can happen to foreign wives. I have dear friends in Los Angeles who all moved from Iran twenty years ago- they all agree. Once you are married, he can take away your passport, lock you in the house, etc.

[asking4it]

Judith, Your comments worry me!! PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS!!
1st there is a reason that people at the age of 16 are just allowed to get their license, they are just mature enough to hadle the resposiblity of a car.

2nd Law of being 18 to be married (should be 22) Cause anyone younger is not emotionally or mentally stable enough to take on such a huge commitment!

Before I go to 3, I must tell the reasoning for number 3. I right now as I write have muslim friends, and I have personally dated two Muslim men. I know how they live, I know how the pray, I know how the cook their food, I know very much into detail about their customs and beliefs.

I Dated the first muslim, he was not a religious muslim but one thing with muslims they are tightly family knit. We dated for two and a half years. We were perfect for each other! I tried to get him to marry me, we talked about if we had kids, (by the way I am american born and raised) His exact words to this subject, was that if I got pregnant while we were dating that he would want me to get and abortion, I told him no I would not do it and he told me that if I chose to keep the baby that we would be through. Also that is family would be shamed!! That was just a dicusion, I loved him so much, and looked past that conversation and figured it would never happen anyway until "WE" were married. Although telling me also all along that he was not going to get married until he was at least 35. At the time I was 19-21, he was 27-30. So we were getting closer!
I moved back home a couple of states away to go to college, to avoid being distacted by him, and not pursuing college. Our plans were that I was going to graduate college and return back to him and we were to be married. Guess what, I moved home in the mid 20's of Sept, he broke up with me mid October, three weeks to the day the I had moved. Why I kept asking myself after all we had been through??

Then teased me for 5 months about getting back together. Never happened.
So I went looking for another, well not really looking, but I met another Muslim man he was very religious. It actually scared me cause I had never seen my 1st do the stuff my 2nd done, as far as praying, and the washing, and the way they chose their meat, and the real customs of a muslim.
We lasted two months, it was to odd for me.
I love them for who they are, and they are some of my dearest friends,
They were there for me when my own family was not, they accepted me when they did not have to!! I am very grateful to them for the way they treated me and continue to treat me. BUt I too recently, 5 years later found out some truths, which is bringing me into number 3...

3. there is a reason why we never got married and this was coming from my #1's best friend, he could not marry me because 1 I was not muslim and 2 if he did and I was not muslim his family would dissown him
Your man wants you to go to [B]his[B]country to get married for a reason, because, once you are there and become muslim and marry him you will not have rights, not have your say. NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE LIKE THISBut a lot of customs still hold true today for their cultural, example stoneing a woman for not submitting to the ways of the husband, this alone will cause her shame in a lot of the muslim territories. The reason for this example is cause, say for instance he gets you there and you marry, you want to leave the country and comeback home, but he refuses to let you and you start a big ruccuss, and you are shushed to keep qiuet, because you are out of line in your role as a muslim wife! AGAIN NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE LIKE THIS

Also If your parent would not have anything to do with these plannings, and you know that they would forbid you to do this, don't you think there is a reason for that!

I can tell from your writing that you REALLY don't want to go through with it, but you are scared about how he will react, "Am I going to hurt him?"" will he hate me? ", "I really care about him".

Sweety, you are only SIXTEEN, you are so young, another reason he is filling your head with getting married while you are so young is because in his cultural, because the poverty levels are so low and the parents want them out because they can barley support them, the average age for a girl to get married is ~BE PREPARED~ AN amazing 13 YEARS OLD
Girls this age barely have breast or Menstrual cycles yet!! Yet they are being married off to MEN in their teens to 50's and 60's!!

I understand you caring for him, but it is only a lust, that you are in, a puppy love, I am 25 years old now, IT WAS NOT THATLONG AGO that I was your same age thinking I was in love with some Bozo named TOM that I wasted 3 1/2 years for my teenage life on, my freshman year of high school to my senior year, Only coming to realized that, I was so "IN LOVE" with him that I grew up way to fast and only regret it now, cuse guess what I am not with him now.!

So Please be careful and stay young as long as you can, and if he is supposed to be a mature 21 year old, the last thing he needs to be doing is trying to pressure a 16 semi-mature girl into getting married!!

[asking4it]

Also Judith if you do really care for him and care about yourself , be honest with him, about how you really feel,before it is to late... you can still be friends. I am with both of my exes and we get along fine.

[*Judith*]

Thank you so much for telling me your story asking4it! I truly appreciate your advice and I hold your experience it very high esteem!

Unfortunately my Boyfriend was deported about a week ago! I was absolutely devastated! We do still keep in touch over the phone whenever possible, but its difficult! About marriage I really believe that he understands wher Im coming from since I've taken your advice and simply told him straight that I am too young for that. I have however, agreed to visit him over there when I can afford the money and the time to do so! I think he still hopes that I'll change my mind, but there is definitely much less pressure than there was.

[31pumpkin]

At least y'all are playing it safe. Things done in a desperate situation rarely work out, I think.

So congrats! It sounds like a smart outcome for now.

Take care!

Meee. :)

[*Judith*]

Thanks 31pumpkin! It does look like it worked out for the better in regards to the pressure over marriage.. for now at least. He's currently pursuing other ways of getting back to Britain, but I really do hope that he can come back soon.. I miss him terribly. But thanks again 31pumpkin for your support!

[s_cianci]

If you're not comfortable with the idea, then don't do it. Americans always have to be very careful when it comes to marrying non-Americans as you can never be sure whether they're just using you to get into the country. You wouldn't want him running off on you a month after being married. Now I'm sure that a lot of people will rip me apart for saying this but given the heightened sensitivity concerning immigrants lately, especially illegal ones, I feel that Americans should marry Americans, period. You'll be much more compatible with an American man then with an Asian Muslim man.

[Grammarian-Bot]

Well judith.. I'm a pakistani and I have read almost every detail on your problem and I have come up with some advises and some information. I must tell you that I also am trying to get immigration to america and I do a lot of thinking about getting setteled there and the only thing that rankles me is when I think about marriage. Well remember that doesn't matter how modern or seculer a muslim gets he cannot completely leave his culture, triditions and family. And I face the same problem.
When I think about getting being married there, the first thing that come to my mind is that the girl I marry should convert to islam, although islam does not require any jew or christian person to convert to islam before getting married to a muslim person, but stiill I want my life partner to be a muslim so my children can have a beeter understanding of my religion and culture.
The second thing that comes to my mind is that the sacrifices that that girl would made for me (converting to islam and live either with my family according to my culture or may have to mold some of her routines) would be nothing that I would had to offer her. I personally think that relationships are about sacrifices but they should be from both the sides.
Right now you are just 16 and trust me or not your not in the right position to decide such critical mattres. Its not that your are too young, but you haven't seen the world in a broad spectrum.
I must also tell you that there are many non-americans (majority of asians) who use american girls just for getting the immigration, an option that many people even suggested me but its something that I can never go for. So also look out for it.
Remember your safety comes first. People say life is short but it could get too long and difficult if you take it too lightly. My advice is just to give your relationship a little time and see wheather he can keep up with you or not.
And about asking4it's comment on average marriage age in muslim culture, I don't have any idea where did she got this info. Well the average age is between 19-20. She might be talking about some tribal areas where there is not education and no government hold. Well.. . this is something completely out of your interest but I just wanted to clear up and micconceptions.
Bye take care

[Krs]

Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when i turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thankyou!

Wow girl you are soooo young!!
My personal advice is don't do it.
As others said marrying for the purpose for him to stay in your country is NOT the answer. My hubby is english and I'm not, and before my country formed part of the EU it was difficult for me to travel and work in UK, although after all I did manage. And you know what my hubby always said to me. " he loves me soo much he would NOT even consider marrying for the pure reason to live in d same country, its not a reason to marry"
Where there's a will there's a way. And I have a sly feeling that he may be using you as bate, so he marries a british girl then is allowed to stay in england with no hassles.

And I would *never* to his predominantly Muslim country to get married. I've heard too many negative stories about what can happen to foreign wives. I have dear friends in Los Angeles who all moved from Iran twenty years ago- they all agree. Once you are married, he can take away your passport, lock you in the house, etc.[/QUOTE]

SO SO true.
Ive heard the same too and it also happened to a friend of mine who was muslim too, but was forced into marrying a muslim man she didn't love, he promised her everything until she became his wife... took her to libya where he told her he'd never take her... "Just going for a short business trup he said" he threw away her passport and believe it or not I haven't heard from her in 2 years..

[trujew]

Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when i turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thankyou!

Hi Judith... thank you for being so brave to even ask a question like this. You know, we never know who we are going to fall in love with. I am sure you both love aspects of one another, but frankly, whether you are 16, 18, 21... that age is very, very young to get married. I got married at 23 and was with this guy for years before we even got engaged. Because we had no set path on what we both wanted out of life, our relationship ended. Now just because my relationship ended doesn't mean yours would. But still, you are too young and inexperienced with many of lifes circumstances to make a decision like this one. Getting married is hardly the option. I disagree that you should do this. If he gets upset, well you have to explain that your life hasn't even begun. There's possibly college, getting your first real job, there's just your personal free time and exploration time you need to discover the world way, way before you get married. I got married because I felt I needed someone to guide me and take care of me. My whole identity was lost to a man because I was too afraid to take life on myself. BIG MISTAKE! To this day, I am still trying to latch on to someone to care for me. I'm much older than you and trust me the pain of being alone is there but I am just starting now to think about what I really want out of life. I have to choose for myself first and take care of what I want and need first before I can know what someone else wants. Give this time... see what happens and don't rush your life. Besides, love can fade. What if in 10yrs. (you'd be 26) you get bored and meet someone else and feel that spark, that connection... then what? It happens.

[RubyPitbull]

Truejew, before you answer a post, you really need to take a look at the date. The thread you picked up is a year old. I doubt she will see this.

[ricky3580]

Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when i turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thankyou!

Are you a muslim? If not you should really consider the role women play in that religion. Also, you risk the same deportation rules that apply to him if you are married. Are you prepared to leave the US and possibly go into a foreign country who may not be friendly toward outsiders (especially from the US) without the chance to return? Things to think about!

[RubyPitbull]

Ricky, when you post, it would behoove you to review what everyone before you has said, so that you don't repeat something that has been posted by someone else. It is always good to add additional advice to a post, above and beyond what has already been said. You also need to check the dates of the posts. This is over a year old. She won't see it.