[RUBLUE]

I am a 48 yar old male. I am Bi-Polar also a recovering alcoholic/addict. I lost my only child to SIDS at two months old in 1998. My only wife died two years ago today Feb 18. Is this pattern of Hell on earth going to keep going ? Keep in mind I see a shrink, therapist, go to AA/NA and envolved in church. Will the PAIN EVER STOP ?

[lilfyre]

Hello, I am not a psychic, and I have not endured the pain you have, I can feel your pain just the same, my husband is a recovering alcoholic, we have shared in many devastating blows to our family, Which I will not get into and burden you with. It does seems thou as if the pain will never stop, and there is no end in sight, but there is. Some times we find it, and some times we do not. It seems to be on a day to day basis. Each day we get up and try to find one thing good that has happened, this gives us both strength to go on, I know that his struggle is harder than mine, he goes to meetings some times four or five times a week, the harder things are for him the more he attends. He has recently celebrated a year sober, which to some people is no big thing, but to him it has meant the world, and with his year he has started speaking at meetings. It is good that you are involved the meeting and the church, these are the thing that will help you the most. Keep going stay strong, I wish that there was more I could say or do for you. You have been through so much. It is good that you have posted here; there are a lot of us that are willing to talk and a few that are in the program. I wish you all the best, and hope that things start to ease for you soon, I know you have heard the saying “god never gives you more than you can handle” this saying use to piss me off, because all I wanted to do was have children, and I could not carry, it took for ever, after I had my daughter, finally, I almost lost her in delivery, then as with you apnea and bradecardia almost took her from us, two years later, she went into kidney failure for no reason and almost wound up on dialysis, from there we went though all kinds of medical problem and now she is suffering from what my husband says is being brought up in an alcoholic household as my husband was, she has many mental and psychological problem that she is in treatment for and as I watch her and he suffer and struggle with day to day issue and personal crisis , I ask myself the same as you do what is next and will this pain ever stop. As you go to meeting I thought that I would share. I do wish you the all the best.

[RUBLUE]

I thank you for your understanding and empathy regarding my 35 year plight with alcohol/drugs. But as I believe my problems started before I ever started getting high. Here are a few events I remember as a child. I was 5 durning the Cuban missile crisis. I knew what was going on. My upper middle class family built a bomb shelter. But no one would talk to me about it. Though loved and taken care of, I was very insecure. Neglect by no communication. And I felt shame in trying to explain problems, so I didn't. Never saw mom & dad fight in any way. Dad leaves when I'm 7. Dad was shot and killed when I was 10 (alcohol related). I was very naïve to the streets. Spent K to 6th grade same all white suburb school. At 12 transferd to 80% black junior high. In a week I was exposed to poverty, weapons, drugs, crime. The tall geeky white kid with thick glasses. Get the picture. Sink and punk out. Or swim and sail. From 13 to 19 I was or had used whites/bennies (speed), LSD a lot. PCP or angel dust when smoked (a lot). Downers like bullets (reds, lilly f 40s) and all other Barbs as well. Weed I never considered a drug. Slaming Cocaine & herion. And drinking. By 19 I had been shot stabed and got Hepatitis. Way too much info. The point is my mental illness or my head is the bad guy. I want good, innerpeace, to have a desire or passion for something, anything. But what I have is severe. I know most was inflicted by the sex, drug, rock & roll insecure kid I was. I am tormented in my head every day. Depresion for months on end is Hell on Earth It sucks big time. I have been on every medication you can name for my anxiety, depression and Bi-Polar disorder. Keep in mind these are all mood disorders. Not personality disorders such as Post traumatic stress disorder which I have several times over. As well as border line anti social problems. Though I have been what they call a cutter, or SI disorder. I have never tried to take myself out. When I do something I do it well. I think the suicide attempt is a cry for help and bs. If your going to do it. Do it well final end of story. So the reason I am posting in this forum is to hear from the few, real or not. What's next ? Or should I go to the next realm where peace may be waiting ? No one or several answers will I base my future on. So be honest as I have. No fairy tales please.

[fredg]

Hi,
I am 64 years old, married 29 yrs, and my life today is just one day at a time!
I am another friend of Bill W.
I have learned that Life is what I make it; whether good or bad, it's how I look at it.
I like the saying "It's not what happens to me today, it's all in how I handle it".
Prayer to God (As I understand Him) on a daily basis, of both my wife and I, have helped both of us through her Chemo and Radiation treatments during 2004. She is Cancer Free, just one day at a time. Prayer is the most powerful force in the World, and I really, really believe that. We don't always get what we pray for, but it's not up to us. I do know one thing for sure:
I will not have anything placed on me today, that I can't, in some way, handle for the good.
I do wish you the very best, and just remember: We make our own luck, in our decisions, and in prayer.
PS; I am not a Psychic, don't pretend to be, and I am not a Professional by any means in the area of human understanding.

[RUBLUE]

I thank you for the thought. But you have to know I believe in God. I pray, plead, beg to God constantly. Don't have much else to do being disabled. My depression is black day after day, month after month. I look forward to the night to take meds to sleep instead of just laying there. Only social contact is at meetings, church, Doctors. I am and always been a loner. No real friends. Don't see a future with any women because of all the baggage. I am tired of hurting. Is anybody understanding the PAIN I'm trying to explain ? And why I ponder on WHAT NEXT ? It is so much more then RECOVERY!!

[Zipper]

Rublue, I think several of us understand all too well the pain you are going through. You are not alone. It's good that you are receiving counselling, meds and attending support groups.
As for WHAT'S NEXT.. who knows, those that believe in a Higher Power leave it in His hands, thos that don't believe that NOTHING is forever and that pain and suffering make us endure and become strong and more whole.
Perhaps you don't realise it, but your story is an example that the Human Spirit cannot be conquered. You have survived all these terrible traumas and can still reach out and share with others. That takes great courage and we applaud you for it.
Tomorrow is always another day and you have to cling to that thought, something from an unexpected direction may well change your life and hopes for the future.

[nymphetamine]

Im sorry you are going through these things. Im probably not much to give advice on this. I know you say that the suicide attempt is bs and maybe it is but it seems the only way for me for a very long time. I have never felt like I belong in this life. There is too much pain and no where to go. The only reason I stay is for my children. They are what puts me back together when I fall apart. I don't know what next maybe this is what life is all about. You seem like you are a much stronger person than I am though. I would say hang around some friends. You need some positive enforcement in your life. Surround yourself with people who love you. You are not alone at all.

[RUBLUE]

Yea the problem is I am and always have been a loner. Except for women in my life. Don't really care to hang with guys. Not a man's man. No hangig watching Monday night football, final four, bowling alley, you get the picture. But I always have had women up until my wife overdosed Feb 18 2004. I have no family for support. And though yes I am a good looking guy at 48. Being on disabilty making $13.000.00 a year is not a big turn on for some reason. So I live to take care of Baby th wonder cat for now. The reason I say attempting to take your life is bs. I do not understand what is so hard that people can't get it right the first time. Really give me a break. It's a cry for help. If I chose to go in my bedroom right now. I could slap on 3 or 4 10 mg duragesic patches of Fentanyl. Take 40 to 60mg of Dilaudid. A few Klonopin to make me sleepy and SEE YA. Or if I was trying to make the news or a statement. I could walk 150 yards to a freeway overpass jump 40 feet down into 65mph rush hour traffic and LATER! And I am sure some reading all this wish I would. Would someone tell me what the stars are for across from the title at start of post ?

[nymphetamine]

Yeah I agree with you on get it right the first time. I think the stars are to rate the post.

[RUBLUE]

By the way. I feel a connection with you so you are on my buddie list. Lucky you.

[NeedKarma]

Just curious, what effect would an answer from a psychic have? If they said "all will be well in one month" would you believe it?

[RUBLUE]

I do not believe in fairy tales. But if someone truly has that ability, The answer would be interesting if nothing else.

[Zipper]

Rublue, a thought here. You mention caring for your cat, had you thought of volunteering at your local animal shelter? So many sad, abandoned and mistreated animals that need love and care. Even if you just take the trash out you could be helping creatures that can't help themselves.
This would let you give and receive love from something that doesn't demand anything more.

[RUBLUE]

Way ahead of you zip. I was a volunteer at the S.P.C.A. Worked there for a couple of months with the cats. Dogs all bark at same time, too much anxiety. After awhile I felt I could no longer draw off them and bailed.

[orange]

I have to agree with you there, Rublue! I used to work at the SPCA and it was a very depressing place. I wanted to save all the animals and of course couldn't, and like you said the dogs are barking constantly, and the cats are meowing because they hate being in cages. And because I worked there, I had to help with euthanizing the animals too. Ugh.

Do you have a cat rescue in your area? The rescues aren't usually associated with the SPCA, often they are run out of people's homes. And there would be no dogs if you volunteered there.

[RUBLUE]

I am hoping that when you refer to euthanizing animals you are talking about terminally ill or injured animals. Down here the SPCA does not put any animal down unless it is to ease the suffering. They had cats that had been there for 4 & 5 years. Unlike the county dog pound where they put them down after 2 weeks. Anyway are there any psychics that post on here ? And again would someone tell me what the stars are for next to the title ? And if it is a rating system who rates and decides how many stars the post gets ?

[Zipper]

From FAQ's:
"You may find a small menu on thread pages which allows you to 'rate this thread' with a number between 1-5.

Casting a vote for threads you view is entirely optional, but if you think that the thread is superb, you might rate it as a 5-star thread, or if you think that it's unspeakably dismal, you might choose to rate the thread with a single star.

Once enough votes have been cast for the thread rating, you may see a set of stars appear with the title of the thread in the thread listings. These stars reflect the average vote cast, and can allow you to quickly see which threads are worth reading if you are on a very busy forum with a lot of threads."

[lilfyre]

I was the one that rated it, it was such a powerful question and I could feel his pain and, this question stayed with me all week end, I thought it note worthy to rate it a five star-er (O:

Rublue, I do hope this finds you better today (O:

[orange]

Anyway are there any psychics that post on here ?

Unfortunately I don't think there are any regular physics. We used to have a pretty good one, but she got "scared away" because someone was mocking her abilities... like, trying to trip her up or whatever. But I think she still visits the board occasionally, so hopefully she'll see this question.

[RUBLUE]

I want to thank all of you who have replied to this post. But I am still hoping to find a true psychic who will answer my question. But I know God does work in strange ways. I stumbled on this site by total accident. Trying to find a site regarding a pet issue. Since being here I have put my two cents worth in several areas. Anything at all that will get me out of my head helps. So out of all the websites in all of cyber space I landed here. Yes I am somewhat better today.