[SillyGirl10]

Hello I am married and have a 10 yr old daughter and a 3 yr old boy. Yesterday me and my husband just found out that a boy 11yrs old like's our daughter. The father of the little boy aprouched my husband by telling him that he's son wanted to hold my daughter's hand. My husband out of shocked and upset, just laught and left it as that.
I ended up talking to my daughter about what the boy's father had asked her father and she was shocked her self but had a little secreat of her own she confessed to me that her and the 11 yr old boy where girlfriend and boyfriend. She felt really bad and started to cry, she know's it's wrong to date so young but now my husband and I have decided we need to have "the talk".

Please any idea's will help. :(

[posey_84]

awww, this is a real tough one. I would try to let her know she's done nothing wrong and that there's nothing wrong with having a 'friend' that's a boy. She shouldn't feel bad for the things she's feeing.
if she thinks your mad at her or she's done something wrong then she's less likely to come to u with problems in the future.
I think u should keep using the word 'friend' though rather than 'boyfriend' and don't try to stop there friendship, instead maybe just whenever they're together make sure there's always an adult close by. After all I'm sure u remember your first 'crush' and how u probably soon lost interest, I know I did! Ha ha x hope I've helped x good luck x

[X lucy X]

First of all you have to reasure her that you trust her jusdgement and if she does want to still be the boy's girlfriend then you will let her.
Don't sit her down or take her to her room to have 'the talk' as that might make her freak out a bit. Also it would be sensible to talk to her without her father there as it is often quite hard to talk about boys in front of one!
She probably knows more than you think about boys through friends so don't seem too patronising and trying to explain everything. Tell her a sort of outline and then ask if there is anything else that she wants to know and she's bound to ask hundreds of questions

Good luck x

[poseidon]

Hello SillyGirl,

From your question and your concern about the welfare of your daughter, I hope you don't mind me saying that I feel your username is inappropriate (LoL). No way are you a Silly Girl'. You have asked a very important and sensible question.

Your daughter is 10 years old and is certainly able to understand about 'the birds and the bees'. In fact I would not be surprised if she knew quite a bit already. I also assume that she has been getting some form of 'Sex Education' at school.

The problem with getting information via hearsay is that quite often that information is wrong. For example it is surprising how many older girls and boys (even adults) quite wrongly believe that is is not possible to get pregnant the first time.

My advice is to ask your husband to sit down with your daughter and discuss it. I found the question and answer approach was very good when my wife and I told our girl and boys about sex and reproduction.

It always seems embarrassing when we sit down and talk to our children about this subject but that embarrassment does not normally last for long.

Please make sure that the information you give your daughter (and eventually) your son is correct. If you are not sure, research it.

I also doubt your daughter will know the correct words for the various parts of the anatomy etc and I personally feel it very important that she does.

This kind of education I feel is best done slowly and gently.

After the first session let your daughter know that if she has any questions at all, simply ask you or your husband. If you don't know the answer, make sure you find it before telling her.

Personally the fact that your daughter has a boyfriend but is only 10 is quite normal. Although it is obviously not a sexual thing, many young people form relationships with a member of the opposite sex. It is quite natural.

My two little nieces each have a 'boyfriend', one is 9 and the other is only 6. They refer to them as boyfriends but really they are friends.

My suggestion is that your husband accepts that 'his little girl' is growing up and does not worry too much about it because of her age.

May I wish you, your husband and your daughter the very best of luck with her education. I am sure you will all agree that it is better that she should learn properly from her loving parents than from rumours and innuendo elsewhere.

Cy
(Poseidon)

ADDENDUM

Thanks for such a quick response and thanks for explaining your username. I know the feeling about 'freaking out' when faced with this dilemma as my wife and I experienced it when we first had the task of teaching our eldest. Believe me it does get easier (LoL).

Cy

[cleanfun]

Father here! You could give her the same talk that I'm going to give my daughter.

"Boy's are filthy, disease ridden creatures, inside and out. They should be stayed away from, far away, until you're 25 or older. They should never, ever, ever be pursued, instead, they will pursue you, at which point you shut them down hard. Put them out of your mind and focus on school."

Fact: 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD in the United States. (14 to 19)

HPV vaccines are being recommended for girls ages 11 & 12... This ain't little house on the prairie any more.

Source: Center for Disease Control - BBC NEWS | Americas | STDs rife among US teenage girls

[SillyGirl10]

[QUOTE=posey_84]awww, this is a real tough one. I would try to let her know she's done nothing wrong and that there's nothing wrong with having a 'friend' that's a boy. She shouldn't feel bad for the things she's feeing.
if she thinks your mad at her or she's done something wrong then she's less likely to come to u with problems in the future.
I think u should keep using the word 'friend' though rather than 'boyfriend' and don't try to stop there friendship, instead maybe just whenever they're together make sure there's always an adult close by. After all I'm sure u remember your first 'crush' and how u probably soon lost interest, I know I did! Ha ha x hope I've helped x good luck x[That's how I feel!Thanxs]

[posey_84]

Ahh thank you... it feels good to help x

[Fr_Chuck]

You should also realise that girls 12 are having babies all the time, we get several here from time to time. So now is a time to start the entire talk about life, boys and all.

[KISS]

Whatever you do, don't ruin an open relationship between you and your daughter. Don't act defensive. Encourage open and correct information. You can't stop the relationship. There are guys who all they want is to "get into a girl's pants" and there are girls who will give in for acceptance.

Encourage relationship building skills and that each must respect "no, means no".

You need to have this discussion without your daughter feeling uncomfortable. That's going to be hard. Don't ask specifics about their relationship like "Have you kissed"? Have you petted etc.

Might even be, Amy ( daughter's name) I'd like to take you out to dinner. Just you and I. Your seem to be starting what might me a close relationship with a male friend. I'd like us to talk about some relationship building skills and the consequences of poor judgement within this relationship. Between now and when we go, think about any questions you might want to talk about.

[ScottGem]

Ok, first you need to throttle down the concern a bit here. The fact that the boy went to his father and discussed this and his father talked about it with your husband, makes me think there is still a lot of innocence here.

Kids always want to be more grown up and they see other kids having boy/girl relationships their age or a little older and they want in because they hear its cool.

You do need to have THE talk with your daughter about inappropriate touching. There are books in the library that will help. You do need to explain to your daughter that she can be friends with a boy, but dating needs to wait a few more years.

Beyond that, after explaining what she should and shouldn't do, tell her to relax and enjoy her friendships, whehter they be with girls or boys.

[Izannah]

First of all you have to reasure her that you trust her jusdgement and if she does want to still be the boy's girlfriend then you will let her.
Don't sit her down or take her to her room to have 'the talk' as that might make her freak out a bit. Also it would be sensible to talk to her without her father there as it is often quite hard to talk about boys in front of one!
She probably knows more than you think about boys through friends so don't seem too patronising and trying to explain everything. Tell her a sort of outline and then ask if there is anything else that she wants to know and shes bound to ask hundreds of questions

Good luck x

Very well said... especially the part about she probably knows more than you think she does... I know I already had the scoop (not done it, but I knew about it) by the time my mom finally got around to the "talk." Kids are exposed to sex directly or indirectly at every turn... need I mention the Mylie Cyrus pictures in Vanity Fair? Hannah's just about showing her Montana!

Sit her down (just you two, I agree, she's not going to want to talk about this in front of a boy, let alone in front of Dad!) and ask her what she considers being a girlfriend or boyfriend, what it means to her. Ask her to tell you what she knows about sex that way you can fill in the blanks and clear up any misconceptions.

Don't try to be all Sex-and-the-City-best-friend about it, but don't be "clinical and sanitized for her protection" about it either. Just be real, talk to her on her level. Let her know the joys and the risks and that above all, she has control over her body. She will appreciate it and will learn more about appreciating herself, respecting herself and her body and to form healthy relationships.

[Toluca_86]

I really like this website:
Scarleteen | Sex Education For The Real World

A lot of it would be stuff too advanced for a 10 yr-old, but it does a good job of answering kids' questions in an appropriate way and giving them plenty of info on how to stay safe, w/o trying to shame them.