[amIwrong]

I have a problem with men looking at other women while in a relationship, fantasizing about other women, etc. I have made peace with the fact that I have a problem accepting a man who does these things. The problem is, I want him to be honest with me, because I feel I have a right to know what I am getting into. I mean, if it’s a deal breaker for me, then petty or not, I should be able to decide that. I want the truth without alienating him. The problem, apparently (no offense to men) is most if not all men do it. So, if it’s a deal breaker for me, I am pretty much screwed. So then, I have to ask myself, how can I get past this? How can I accept this?

Truthfully I can’t. Here is why:

I don’t look or fantasize about other people, when he does it makes me lose respect and my sex appeal toward him diminishes thus our sex life is likely to be worse and so does the overall situation. Nothing is sexier then knowing the person you are with desires you not other people.

I am not single, so why would I shop? If I needed a TV and bought one then I don’t bother shopping for anymore TV’s. To me it’s just a gateway of possibilities.

That is offensive to me because that’s like saying that he feels this is the best he can do with his self esteem and is settling but is not satisfied, I feel if he were, then no matter good looking another women is I would have his attention. She would be just another person to him, not an attractive person per se.

I want the truth, but the truth does cause these problems. So, I do alienate him even against my own wishes. If I live in denial and don’t ask I will be way worse off. I would actually be paranoid. It’s a no win situation for me.

I hear men and women say “its normal” yet I don’t do it. They say “unless he acts on it you shouldn’t care” but to me after the offense it’s like you might as well have, in fact I would almost prefer a man to cheat then look as odd as that may sound. It may remind him how foolish he is and he would stop hurting me for his own selfish purposes.

He says if I stared at some guy or was looking it wouldn’t bother him. That pisses me off more. It’s like I am bazaar for not understanding this crude offense.

I am not a prude, I am freaky, but I don’t like to feel badly about myself. In fact, I am more apt to become less sexually open once I feel I am not adequate. I have even tried harder when I think he was into someone else, and it does not stop it, so I have on incentive. If anything, I get angry because I feel like I am doing all the trying. After all, if there is something he wants, why shouldn’t he express that himself?

No matter good I look, it won't stop him there is always someone better then me.

It's embarrassing to me. Other women see it and look at me like I have failed somehow. Or even think it's funny at my expense. Some women purposely try to get his attention just to get at me. How am I supposed to deal with that? I ignore them, but become resentful towards him for being so oblivious about it.

Sex and anything related to it is deeply emotional for me, while it may not be for men, how can I even value it or continue to want it with him or any man if my feelings are just easily dismissed like this?


I am aware that I am not the best looking person in the world but I refuse to be second best to someone he does not even lay down with. He says it’s not that big of a deal, and while I don’t want to change him, on principle it pisses me off that something that does not matter does not stop happening. If it weren't that big of a deal, I shouldn't have to ask, he should want to keep from hurting me.

[kp2171]

Mixed feelings here. In the end, both sides need to be able to come together and have some balance. You need to let him be a living, breathing man, and he needs to respect your feelings on this as best he can.

I have a beautiful, faithful wife who can be a flirt from time to time. So if we are at the bar with a group, and some young buck is buying her drinks and getting beat by her in pool, well OK then. She's having fun. She's getting attention. If he crosses a line, ill go over and introduce myself. If he takes offense, well... then it'll get ugly.

I know what you are saying... and I can't tell you that you are wrong for feeling this way... but unless he is really being a pig about it, you know this is largely a self-esteem issue on your side. Yes, a man should be respectful of his partners feelings. Yes, some men are really, really clueless about how blatent their gawking is.

But... it is a normal reaction for a man, or woman, to notice another of the opposite sex. Its just the truth.

And instead of accepting this and being comfortable, even complimented by the fact that he's true to you, despite he will see other attractive women for the rest of his life, its now turning into a problem.

My wife is going on a 4 day business trip tomorrow. I know a few of the people at the conference were there the last time, when id gone with her, and theyd flirted. She's going to get attention, she's going to even be propositioned, perhaps. I trust in her and I believe all the attention in the world isn't going to make her break her vows.

And I just don't see how her talking to a man she finds attractive is the worst thing in the world. Locks keep honest people out. Vows keep honest people in check from time to time. The best cheaters will do it and you will never know. If his eyes drift for a moment, cut him some slack. He's still with you.

So... again, unless he's being a real pig about it, it sounds like this is a self esteem issue that is now being transferred into the relationship. He isn't cheating. And he didn't become asexual the minute he met you.

Again... I take a different tack. I find a lot of pride and happiness in knowing my partner is looked at by others, and can look at other men she finds attractive, and still be faithful and come home to me. She knows I'm going to see women I find attractive, and still, I sleep only in her bed.

That's a big deal. And not a problem in my mind.

Some will agree with me... others won't.

[amIwrong]

Thank you for your response. I am trying to be receptive, but I still can't shake it. I mean, I realize it's likely me, but his looking does not help that at all. I didn't assume he'd be asexual, just as I not, yet I don't look. I am to focused on whatever it is I am doing to even notice. I beleve it he were giving me the same attention he once was I wouldn't be so bothered or jealous now. If women were looking at him, that's one thing, but him looking at other women to me still comes off like I am old news. I can even understand flirting because that's a self esteem boster, so long as the most important person in the world is not ignored or it is not done purposely when they are not around or some such to hide it.

[kp2171]

We can address the issue of men looking at women independently, but this relationship has a lot of other issues at play here... this from last year...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...tml#post383528

***EDITED***

*** please note her follow-up... her current relationship is with another man, but these issues might still be at play emotionally***

[amIwrong]

we can address the issue of men looking at women independently, but this relationship has a lot of other issues at play here...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...tml#post383528

This is no longer the same relationship. Given everyone's advice and my need for clarity in my life I have moved on. So, this is someone I am dating. I am currently legally separated.

[kp2171]

Thanks for the follow-up and clarification...

You seemed to feel beat up emotionally in that relationship, and I'm guessing some of that is what's at play here... having been in a relationship with a person who was disengaged and having lost that intimacy before. Certainly seems like reason for having issues with trust or self esteem.

[Synnen]

IT still has bearing on your self-esteem issues, whether it's the same relationship.

[Fr_Chuck]

All men look, all that I know of, it has to do with human nature and the way men are wired, they are very visual people who get sexual excietement from the phsycial often.

It if the faithfulness, looking does not mean touching or acting upon it.
To be honest at a concert last night, there was a girl in shorts so short I saw less of my first wife until we were married. I may look, even a slight day dream but that is it.

As for as telling the lady in their life, first a man looks so many times a day, I doubt he could remember most and would less confess them.
It is obvoius you say that it turns you off to know, so you want him to confess, so you can get mad at him, I am sorry but that would be slightly stupid for the man?

If you are looking for a man who will not look, find someone legally blind, that is about the only way it is going to happen.
Looking does not mean he is not the best true person you will ever have.

I don't mean this wrong but you are asking for too much and getting way to worried about it. I would say that there has been issues in your life that is causing these feelings, and perhaps you need to try and deal with your own feelings or you will never find a man you can be happy with

[amIwrong]

I think you just confirmed everything that bothers me. I just feel very simply, if a man or women can't stop doing something that they know hurts someone they claim to love then selfishness is more important by a long shot. In that case, why would I want to sacrifice for someone who is not willing to do so for me? The fact that you say you the love the women your with but you fantasize about someone else makes me think you would, if you could and not get caught. You don't because your afraid you'll get caught, not because your satisified. Is that not right? If your not satisfied, why do you bother with a relationship? Why not just be a free man?

[amIwrong]

Ah, forget it. If it's "too much to ask" someone to not do something they claim does not matter, then I would be better off alone I guess.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well I will be honest and frank, if you demand this in a man, you will be alone. Or find a man who hides it and lies about it ( which is worst)

But no, it does not mean they would if they get the chance, because men get the chance almost everyday of their life if they want to. With people from work, girls they meet and so on.

This is merely human nature and how men are wired.

[Synnen]

Seriously, honey... you need to talk to a counselor.

I would think that asking a man not to look, not to "shop" for a new woman is like telling you that you don't NEED new clothes, you have a whole closetful---why can't you just wear THOSE until they wear out?

Even if you like ALL of your clothes, and wouldn't trade them for a shopping spree at Sak's--Does that mean you'd NEVER go window shopping again, just because your man never EVER wants you to look at clothes again? Could you seriously do that?

Or if he told you that he NEVER wanted you to take more than 5 minutes to get ready to go anywhere--including shower--could you, would you want to do that?

The problem is YOUR self-esteem. It's not that a guy looks. All guys look. Hell, I'm female, and married 7 years, and together with my husband for 12 years. I STILL occasionally see a guy that makes my jaw drop and my eyes pop. Not that I would trade my husband for anything (ask anyone, I have the World's Best Husband (TM)), but god, sometimes you just can't help noticing!

If YOU don't EVER notice members of the opposite sex when you're in a relationship, then I'd have to say that something is wrong with you. Either you're not as in touch with your sexuality, or you're deliberately putting on blinders, or you're lying to yourself--I know a TON of happily married people, both male and female, that look when the right "platter", if you will, is placed in front of them.

That doesn't think they'd even DREAM of cheating--it just means that they've noticed someone they're sexually attracted to. Period. End of the line, moving on with the day.

Asking someone to stop drinking because it bothers you AND is a health risk is one thing. Same with smoking, exercising, whatever.

But to ask someone to stop looking at half of the world's population because they happen to be female--you're just crazy.

[Fr_Chuck]

Please understand we are not attacking you, but all feel you need some help and counseling to help you deal with the issues in your life that makes you feel this way.

Please under stand normally I am very to the "right" on most questions and am close to the most prude member looking at more strict religious veiw points. But I have to agree with the other posters what you are asking for is just not humanly possible.

You want someone who will not look but if they did they have to confess it, knowing it you will go off on them, If you could be open and accepting of their human weakness they may tell you, I even made a joke about that girl last night, told my wife you could tell if she was a real blonde or not by the way she was dressed.

Couples have to admit their faults and love each other regardless of those faults But I will go with the our expert here looking is a normal human behavior, not as often in women as men, but men will have them mind wonder to something sexual many times a hour if not more

But you really really need some help working on your problem, since your goal is not realistic by any means.

We want you to be happy and find happyness with a person who loves you

[kp2171]

The fact that you say you the love the women your with but you fantasize about someone else makes me think you would, if you could and not get caught. You don't b/c your afraid you'll get caught, not b/c your satisified.

You and I are on the same planet, different worlds.

I'm in a ten year, monogamous relationship with a loving woman, in an intimate relationship, with open communication.

I don't live my relationship in fear. And please, don't tell me I'm not satisfied.

I have balance in my life and in my love, and it's a great place to be.

I hope you can find the same balance, and know the kind of love I know.

[amIwrong]

Thanks everyone for your advice. If anything I needed to know if I am crazy or not. I am not offended, because I don’t necessarily want someone to convince me that I am right. From what I understand everyone person in the world is actually this way and I am understanding of the fact that this means I likely can not get along with anyone. This is my problem and no need to torment someone in a relationship with it. There is nothing about hearing how the man I would be with would want to be intimate with someone else that makes me want to even bother trying. I doubt seriously that I could even bother looking that person in the face ever again.

Please don’t misunderstand. I hurt silently. I am not one of this women who yells, throws things or beats her man up over it. I simply ask. Understanding all this makes me realize I’d better off just using my energy for better pursuits. I am very happy to know that everyone else is happy and accepting of this and it hurts them in no way. I can only aspire to such a thing. I am not capable of such I think because that’s just not how my personality is. I just don’t believe that a person is satisfied if they feel this way. Apparently I am wrong but I can’t bridge the cap. I am somewhat resentful to think that I should go to a counselor to “fix me” or merely conform me. It’s just a no win and I am responsible for that.

[smoothy]

Its all about self esteme...

Guys look... women look... there is a huge leap between looking and chasing. It has nothing to do with respect if all that happens is a glance.

If they chose to be with you that speaks volumes.

Heck wife even points out the women that stand out to me, she knows what I like and isn't afraid to point them out to me. And believe me she sees them before I do many times.

When you come to understand human nature and know that partners aren't property you can keep on a short leash then you won't need counseling and you will be far happier. And yes this applies to both men and to women.

Looking is one thing... but flirting or chasing is another totally different thing. No harm ever comes from a glance... if that's all the further it goes.

[kp2171]

I am somewhat resentful to think that I should go to a counselor to “fix me” or merely conform me. It's just a no win and I am responsible for that.

Having been to a counselor once some years ago to help with depression that was affecting a relationship, I can tell you it sounds like a pain in the arse, and even insulting to be told to go... walking in I hated the idea. Walking out, I was glad I went.

And I'm not a touchy, feely guy. Id rather suck things up and "deal" with them myself. Counseling isn't about converting you to some other person... its about talking to a "neutral" party about what you feel you are struggling with and finding ways to possibly modify your behavior or to find ways to be at peace with your behavior or feelings.

Walking out of a session, I was the same person... just had a few ideas about how to deal with a few things better. So if someone mentions this, it isn't about you being broken... its about helping you get through the noise, such as issues with your marriage, in a manner that can be faster and more effective than just dealing with it yourself.

Like I said... for as much as I like helping people, I hate asking for help... but just a few sessions talking to someone helped me deal with some issues I was struggling with. I was still the same person walking out... just had a different perspective about a few things that helped.

Its not that much different than coming here for advice, except its with professional who can better address any issues you want to talk about.

[amIwrong]

Thanks. I suppose I have felt like I have compromised on so much in my life that this was one of those thoings I don't feel like I should "have to". I realize it's not helping me. I am not against counseling. I have gone before. I suppose at some point I will have to go again. It is a lot about pride at this point. I have to be able to wrap my head around the idea that I'm working through this, not being conformed in some way. I have a lot of anger. Most of my anger comes from feeling like I have to be the one to do all of the work. I suppose right now I have this bad attitude that someone should fulfill my demands for once, but obivously that's not going to work.

[Toluca_86]

"I hear men and women say “its normal” yet I don't do it."

I don't think that means you're "abnormal". Just "uncommon". I think "common" might be a better way to describe looking at other people, than a loaded word like "normal".

By all means, it would be great for you to work on being more secure and more able to trust (and to be able to weather being hurt some) in relationships... But who knows -there maybe be men out there who don't fantasize or look at other women when they're in a monogamous relationship -but it's just very uncommon if so, so you probably shouldn't /expect/ that... But also know it's okay to have some unusual or quirky preferences for characteristics you'd love to find in a mate -most people do...

[squeaks77]

Ah, forget it. If it's "too much to ask" someone to not do something they claim does not matter, then I would be better off alone I guess.

Umm.. . that kind reminds me of "your breathing too loud . . stop"
I don't mean to be mean, but you HAVE to get over it!! Maybe what you need is to not get into a relationship until your other one is fully divorced.