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heartsick · Apr 25, 2008, 07:56 PM

I have been surfing around on line... looking for some ideas, some support... I have no idea how I landed here or even if this is an appropriate forum for my family's strife.

I live in NY. My son is 16. He has taken to leaving the house and not coming home -often during the school week even, he will just sleep wherever he is and then gets himself to school in the morning... He works at the local mcdonalds...

The reason he avoids home is because he is resentful that we toss his room and continue to remove drug paraphanalia every time we find it. We have taken 3 scales -several pipes -bags of weed -I have picked up small papers from his floor that obviously had something folded up in them -he is using -I'm unsure of what. Tonight he came in after work to get some clothes -he confronted me about taking yet another scale... and I told him it was gone -(he wanted it back) I lost my cool and started "talking loudly" about why in the heck you would need a scale unless you were using it for drugging - he said "I'm moving out -won't be back" and attempted to pack some clothes -I stopped him by saying -you leave -but everything in this room stays -he stormed out- with nothing -last time he was gone for about 10 days... I always find out where he is eventually -but he bounces from house to house - he has all of his friends parents convinced that I am some kind of nut... and they feel sorry for him and just buy his crap- so they don't know me -and yet I feel undermined by any parent that would take in a kid and tell them they can live there -without so much as picking up the phone and calling me- to make sure they're getting the truth and also as a courtesy to tell me he is okay.

I don't want drugs or the paraphanalia in the home -we have a 2 year old who has walked out of his room with various things... I want him home school nights by a decent hour -I want to know where he is and who he is with when he's not here...

I am desperate to know, what parents who cannot afford to send their kids to a "program"... what do they do? Where do they turn? I know of the PINS laws and will go in on Monday to have him PINned again -that amounts to monthly visits and drug testing.. . but perhaps they can enforce a drug rehab -I don't think it will help -he thinks probation is a joke.

This kid is obviously hurting -he's not had an easy life -lots of hurt/disappointment/loss -

And I sit here, waiting for a policman to show up to tell me he is dead or in trouble or hurt -day after day- and I want to do something - I have to do something -but I do not know what.

I have looked into every possible program/school/ -I sent him to one christian private rehab school for 8 months -2400 a month was the cheapest I could find - a year and a half later -a lost job -and other circumstances has our family financially ruined. I couldn't even borrow if I wanted to... I have no way to pay it back...

I know -I should have faith in prayer- I do... and I am... praying..

But there must be something, that I can do... to help my son find the help and safety that he needs. There must be a way to save him or provide him a way to deal with his pain other than substance and crime. I am physically sick over him...

Thanks so much... for reading... and I apologize... if I landed here in error... I just don't know where to go, or what to do...

Fr_Chuck · Apr 25, 2008, 08:04 PM

When he runs off, call the police report him, then you work with youth services, and get him into a boot camp. Don't dare just let him live around like he is in charge.

dragnlady5 · Apr 25, 2008, 08:11 PM

As a mother of 4 boys, My heart breaks as I read this. My oldest is 15 then I have 14,12,8. I can't tell you the pain I feel for you. I don't know what PINS is but you need to report him as a runaway. You need to demand someone help you, child services, the police, CPS. Anyone. Hound and hound until you find something. Don't give up on your son. See what your local churches can do for you, But most important... Keep faith. Pray hard. And next time you see him mom... HUG HIM!!

heartsick · Apr 25, 2008, 08:13 PM

The police do not feel that is abuse of resource? I have always been leary of calling them for something like this as it seems so "jerry springer"... but I will...

I will do anything to get some resources available to him. THank you so much.

dragnlady5 · Apr 25, 2008, 08:17 PM

They are there to serve and protect... report him as a runaway that way they can get him off the streets and even if they throw him in Juvanile hall at least you know where he is and that he is safe and not using

Fr_Chuck · Apr 25, 2008, 08:28 PM

Believe me, most police ( OK not all) would rather come and work with helping find a run away child of a parent who loves them and cares.

I remember back when a couple of my grown kids were younger, they had some rough kids come around at times, friends at times were frisked before they could come into the house ( found two guns and untold drugs) and yes while I had little drug issues with them, regular searches of their room for drugs was done. Taking control and keeping control when there is problems are hard to do.

Onan · Apr 25, 2008, 08:59 PM

I don't have experience in this erea as my kids are still young (10, 6) but I hope everything works out for you and your son.

heartsick · Apr 25, 2008, 09:12 PM

Originally Posted by Onan

I don't have experience in this erea as my kids are still young (10, 6) but I hope everything works out for you and your son.

Thanks for everyone's response/support. What a great site. I am going to talk with NYSP tomorrow -hopefully they can catch him as he is coming off his shift at work -and have a talk with him- I will keep you posted. I feel very relieved of the encouragement to utilize law enforcement - I probably just wouldn't have gone that route without hearing it here-

simoneaugie · Apr 25, 2008, 09:20 PM

Teenagers are difficult to control. As a sixteen-year-old, he feels like an adult and wants to act like it. He probably is able to make extra money selling drugs, it's lucrative. Scales are quite expensive.

If he is an addict already, no amount of love or parental control will make him quit using drugs. He has to want to.

Boot camp. You will know where he is. He will probably still use and maybe even sell drugs though. You need to let him go, a bit. He is (or believes he is) an adult. Only life experience will teach him that he does not know everything yet.

Just my two cents.

talaniman · Apr 25, 2008, 10:09 PM

When you have teenagers, good or bad ,it helps to know their friends AND the parents, as unless your on the same page, kids can run a lot of games on you. Even if your not close with the parents, at least let them know in no uncertain terms, that harboring YOUR kid with out at least calling, is unacceptable, and they can be reported to the cops, as harboring a runaway. The best way is cooperation though, among parents . When he has no where to go, he may at least think, but never make a threat, you don't intend to follow up on. So knowledge, and strict vigilance, is a must, and also a lot of luck, and no there was never a such thing as privacy, when mine where growing up. Boot camp is always an option. Where is his father, just to ask? You both can drag his a$$ to a rehab. No way does he have a job, to buy dope with either. No good behavior, no privileges.