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kp2171 · Apr 26, 2008, 07:58 AM

I'm overreacting, most likely, but I'm leaving the thread so this doesn't get any uglier.

N0help4u · Apr 26, 2008, 07:59 AM

I was just saying that if she wants traditional non white would be the traditional.
Of course she can wear what she wants. In fact I was considering wearing blue denim and white guaze for my wedding.
Wasn't trying to start a debate.

addyriley · Apr 27, 2008, 07:26 PM

kp2171,
Thanks for the back up, I was beginning to think I was being criticized for doing things a little backward. When all I was doing was asking for a little advice. By the way I talked to him last night about this situation... just the two of us so that he would feel like he could say what ever he wanted. And the result was good... I feel a little stupid, but it was what I wanted to hear. He told me that he does want to marry me, and he would go and do it today, but he wanted the proposal to be a surprise. So I am not going to keep talking about getting married to him, and let him do it when he his ready... now that I know it WILL happen!! Yippie!! And let him surprise me. He told me not to worry because he is not going anywhere, he just wants it to be the right time.

N0help4u · Apr 27, 2008, 07:30 PM

Sounds reasonable to me. He very likely could have felt you were not making it easy for him to surprise you.
I wasn't trying to get on you about doing things backwards but
A. you said you are and want traditional
B. like others have said when a guy has it all he is not necessarily thinking of little details like wedding.

addyriley · Apr 27, 2008, 07:36 PM

That's cool I understand what you were trying to say, and I think you are probably right... I wasn't making it very easy to surprise me. I think I will be much happier in the long run if he does it when he is ready. Now that he knows what I want in my life I don't think I have any thing to worry about.

posey_84 · Apr 28, 2008, 08:44 AM

I think you need to communicate a little more. Maybe sit down one night when the kids are all asleep and discuss how you both feel because I think maybe your thinking too far into this.

I think its great that you want to build a secure family unit for all three of your kids but like kp said maybe you should have thought about that before having the babies, so please don't have a go at your boyfriend for feeling as though he wants to provide for you all .

Also marriage does not mean the same to everyone, some people simply don't feel the need to gat married if they are quite comfortable as they are

Finally like kp, I'm getting married in September after being with my boyfriend for 6 years and there was no proposal as such. It was more of a mutual agreement that we both decided we were ready for. It doesn't make us any less in love than anyone else its just that everyone is different. If you push your boyfriend he is bound to run in the other direction.

cleanfun · Apr 28, 2008, 08:48 AM

Tell his mother/father that their son needs to marry you, correctly. They'll pass along the word in a way that he understands it.

posey_84 · Apr 28, 2008, 11:25 AM

Sorry but I disagree with cleafun here, nobody should be told they NEED to marry someone else.

addyriley · Apr 28, 2008, 11:34 AM

I agree with you on that. And we talked he wants to marry me, he's just waiting on a good time to surprise me. I just haven't been giving him g good opportunity to surprise me, bugging him all the time. So I'm going to wait and see. Besides, his parents wouldn't tell him to marry me, they are in his words " not the best of parents". He was rasied by a single mom, being the youngest of four, if you know what I mean. They pretty much raised themselves.

amIwrong · Apr 28, 2008, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by addyriley

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We started dating when I was in the
10th grade. We had to split up for a little while because my parents hated him. But we always seemed to find each other again so the first two years of our relationship was an on again off again relationship. After I turned 18 we started dating steady again. And my parents grew to like him. We had a little girl in 2005, and decided to move in together. We lived together for a little while, and then he got custody of his daughter (who then was 5, now she is almost 8). I wanted to marry him then, but he always said that we didn't have the money, and he wanted to make sure he could take care of all of us. I told him that it was a little to late to make sure he could take care of all of us. he should of thought about that BEFORE he had kids. (RIGHT!?) Anyways, about a year later my aunt gave me a whole bunch of stuff for my wedding from her job, when ever I get married. And he went and told my mom that I was pressering him into marriage, and that he wasn't ready. And now in Feb. of 2008, we had a baby boy. Now that my family is complete with 2 girls and 1 boy. I want to get married. he has asked me in the past, but it always sounded like a joke. Because he would just say " Okay, you want to get married? Let's go." And he knows that I am a traditional girl, you know with a proposal, and a wedding. I don't want a big one, just a small one. But I can't get any!! Help, what can I do? I know he loves me and we will be together for the rest of our lives. But I want more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend title. I don't want to introduce our family as " This is my BOYFRIEND, HIS daughter, and OUR 2 kids." I want to introduce our family as "This is my HUSBAND and OUR 3 kids." Somebody help me, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand where you are coming from. You don't want to create more stress on this relationship though. I mean, maybe have fun with it, for example introduce him in funny and odd ways every time he meets someone, like "This is my life partner" or “this is my baby's daddy". If you don't think that is something you would aim for then maybe you two should consider a counselor to work out the differences between you two, like mediation to reach a compromise and o be fair to you both. I mean, it may not be so bad if he set a goal, and didn't just leave you lingering. Maybe you would even explain that for all practical purposes, legally speaking, being married makes it easier, say in the case that one of you should pass on. It could cause some legal problems of the other parent if you don't have a will or are married so that custody is not an issue that has to be battled out with the state for example.

In the end though, Marriage does not make for a happy home. Is it the ceremony or the marriage in of itself that you look forward to? In a sense, you are married now. So, maybe it's a matter of personal pride? Nothing is wrong with that, but you should be clear on what your motivation is. Lastly, you certainly don't want him to get married feeling like you had to force him to do it, and then you'll just have doubts forever. If you have to force anyone to do anything then it's almost not worth it, not when it's an act of love. But for your sake, if that's something you want from life, you should be clear, "this is what I want, at some point, by say, 2010 at least" if not then we need to renegotiate our relationship.

Are you OK financially? Are you getting any help? If so, maybe that's a motivating factor for him. I have seen guys not get married because they got free daycare for example, where if they were married they wouldn't necessarily. Whatever it is, he needs to start communicating better, and marriage or not communication needs to be clear on shared goals. If you understood his disposition you might both be on board for the future agenda.

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