[chubbles]

I have been married for 9 years and for 5 of them my husband has not touched in me anyway, no kissing, hugging or sex. At first I thought it was due to the thyroid cancer he had 5 years ago and just kept on making excuses.

I am not a insecure female, always checking pockets, phones, etc, but one day something made me check the phones and I found text messages stating things like "thinking about you" and "do you love me yet". He tells me I am reading too much into them, blah, blah.

So, we have now started communicating, but he still refuses to go to counseling, and says he will try to do better, blah, blah, but it is just not enough for me.

He abandoned me physically and emotionally 5 years ago and he never wants to talk about "feelings" or the situation. He says he is tried of talking about the same thing over and over.

Also, the woman is married and he works with her.

So, any suggestions on what to do? I have started to talk to someone for my own sanity and hopefully he will come around and come with me.

[donf]

Actually, the time to have brought this up was 5 years ago. Letting it fester for 5 years just makes it 5 years worse.

May I suggest that you remind him who he is married to and that his vow of fidelity was given to you by him. Does he have a problem keeping his own vow?

Feelings, that's a tough one for guys. We are imprinted as infants to ignore feelings, they are for girls and other nonsense like that.

Guys really don't understand or like to discuss feelings. They know content, happy and POed.

Sit him down away from any distractions and ask, how does knowing I have xxx cancer make you feel about me? Why do you, at least as you appear to me, pull away from me? Do you think you will catch, "Cancer" from me. Why don't you want to have sex with me?

Then explain how his rejections are making you feel. He may not understand, but it is certainly worth a trial run.

[chubbles]

He used to discuss feelings before, but now he is has cut me off. When I ask him to tell me his feelings he says later (what kind of answer is that). He feels he did nothing wrong with the other women, so there lies the problem. He thinks it is OK to come and go as he pleases without giving me a second thought. He works long hours a lot and never calls me during the day, etc.

So, it is really something I need to work out with myself, if I want to waste another 5 years of my life or do I want to move on. I just would just feel like such a loser if we got divorced without really working on it first.

It's not like we don't get along, but its more he treats me like a roommate. As I call myself I am "a married/single parent".

[donf]

Chubbles,

I disagree with you. His behavior and his actions are hurting you. It is real, you don't seem to be imaging the behavior.

Stick with your direction, however, I suggest that you start by letting him know the you feel hurt when he does X and Y.

More than likely he does not see his actions as an irritation to you, but us guys never think that anyway.

[N0help4u]

I wouldn't waste my time on him!
5 yrs of him not touching you + him not wanting to show or talk about his feeling + text messages to somebody else = your marriage was over 5 yrs ago. His heart moved on and you are left with a sham.

There is nothing to work out. He left you 5 yrs ago! He wasn't and isn't concerned about working anything out with you so why you want to bother? Do yourself a favor and JUST move on!

[the1unv]

It may be that he feels less a man now... once a man feels that way it is hard for them to turn around. It is possible that the reason he has nothing to do with you has nothing to do with you. I would suggest some counseling... go yourself and mabe he will join the party. He may feel unworthy of you,but passes it off differently because of a thing they call manliness. He may be texting with another woman because she doesn't mean anything to him and therefore he can say and do without feeling inferior. Just a few thoughts, I am no expert by any means.
Mike