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ashley0716 · Apr 20, 2008, 06:54 PM

I know some of you are looking at this topic and going "some crazy wife, jealous over her husband" No that isn't it. My husband was married to someone before me. He had a child with her, or at least he thinks it's his, she got pregnant BEFORE they got married. The military, which they are both members of, stationed them on different continents. Now my husband, knowing that could very well be his child, decided that even if it is, it would be best because they live in different countries, if his ex wife remarried and he adopted the child. Now I REALIZE, before any of you scold me, that he has responsibilities to that child and if it had been ME, I would not have done that, but HE did. My husband is a GOOD man, we have a great marriage and I can't speak ill of anything my husband does. In his head and heart, he really feels like he is doing what is best for the child.

Now his exwife is remarried and wants him to adopt her child. My husband is OK with that, but she still wants him to financially responsible for her and I know it doesn't work that way. My husband said if that is what she is worried about, maybe living with her isn't the best idea. O my husband suggested we get full custody of her, a longshot with the mother, I know but he wanted me to entertain the idea anyway. My internal dilemma is this: Deep down, I don't WANT him to have custody of her. We have a child together and I am jealous, not for me but for MY daughter. I want her to have her daddy all to herself. Even though this other child was born first, my daughter was HIS first, get what I'm saying? I feel this would be a different situation if he had her from the beginning before we had our own child, but now it just doesn't seem fair to go disrupting our "perfect little world". Of course I didn't vocalize this to my husband. I told him that no matter what decision he made I would support him 100%, which I will, but I am struggling inside. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 20, 2008, 06:57 PM

You need to support him 100 percent with issues about his other child.
He should not have to be forced to chose the love for one of his children more than another child. He should love them equally, and you should support that

ashley0716 · Apr 20, 2008, 07:01 PM

I do, but it's hard to comprehend him trying to love a four year old he's NEVER laid eyes on as much as he loves ours who he watched come into the world. Please don't scold me, but from a mother's perspective this is hard. A relationship between your husband and your child is a beautiful thing, something you helped create TOGETHER. This child of his, didn't come from US, and it is a constant reminder that myself and our daughter aren't his only family. And this, this is not a typical, child-from-a-previous-marriage situation. My husband has never seen, spoken to or anything this child in her life and she is almost FIVE. I can't honestly say I would treat her the same as mine

crjslick50 · Apr 20, 2008, 07:05 PM

Pay her off as cheap as you can. Because if you fight for custody "which it is obvious by your response" he dos not really want that only when money came up did he decide the option to go for custody came up, and you will most likely lose and pay much more in long run. I say pay her as little a month as she will accept and keep your happy family . Goodluck...

crjslick50 · Apr 20, 2008, 07:09 PM

[QUOTE=ashley0716]I do, but it's hard to comprehend him trying to love a four year old he's NEVER laid eyes on as much as he loves ours who he watched come into the world. Please don't scold me, but from a mother's perspective this is hard. A relationship between your husband and your child is a beautiful thing, something you helped create TOGETHER. This child of his, didn't come from US, and it is a constant reminder that myself and our daughter aren't his only family. And this, this is not a typical, child-from-a-previous-marriage situation. My husband has never seen, spoken to or anything this child in her life and she is almost FIVE. I can't honestly say I would treat her the same as mine[i agree with you 100 percent]

ashley0716 · Apr 20, 2008, 07:09 PM

I think you might have misunderstood why my husband said what he said. He doesn't care about money. But you can see from what the MOTHER wants how twisted the household she runs is. She wants someone else to be her legal father and still get money from my husband. And it isn't that my husband doesn't want anything to do with her. He believes in all or nothing. He was bounced from household to household and he said that is not fair to a child. He believes she should have ONE home and ONE set of parents, stability in her life. He could care less about money, but you are right, she'll never give us custody, nor would any judge. Thanks

crjslick50 · Apr 20, 2008, 07:29 PM

More or less I was just putting myself in your situation and it is tough because I would feel same as you. Do you think you could talk to her without husband knowing and maybe work something out? If not you could just hire someone to take out mom and hope she takes fathers name to grave... I can see the TV movie now

ashley0716 · Apr 20, 2008, 07:38 PM

Haha, yeah that certainly would solve my problems. I am not stressing about it because as long as her new hubby agrees to adopt, she'll go away, because if he adopts her, my husband is no longer obligated to her in ANY way, that's what adoption means. If he doesn't, I'm still not worried because she won't give up custody anyway. My husband believes this is what is best for the child anyway. So I'll just keep crossing my fingers. Thanks for all your help!

George_1950 · Apr 20, 2008, 08:07 PM

I admire the fact that you posted this question so clearly and honestly; and that you are able to separate what you want to happen from what could happen, or might happen. Sounds to me as though your husband has second thoughts about giving away his child. I agree with him completely. And, yes, I think you are being, understandably, selfish.

startover22 · Sep 19, 2008, 06:35 PM

I agree with George...
You did look at your situation honestly, and being able to do that may help you get through this. How would you like it if the father (your husband) denied your baby? You really don't want him denying his other child do you? Honestly, putting aside your feelings of jealousy? There will be trials and hard times, I think you can do it... even if it takes some outside help to deal with certain things, it's worth a shot:) Good luck