[Torn_Lover]

I was recently divorsed 5 months ago. After I moved out I met someone I totally connected with on all levels and I think it could have been the perfect relationship. Once new feelings started (LOVE) I felt guilty that I did not make effort to make things work with my husband. I was torn back and forth.

Last Sunday I broke it off with someone I fell for really hard to try to work things out with my husband of 7 yrs. Now that I'am back I miss the other guy deeply and find myself in a state of confusion. I'am starting to see that I may have let someone go that I could have truly have been happy with. I think now I just came back to feel that comfortable feeling of home because the husband and I have a lot together were the other guy I feel like I would be starting my life over at 33yrs old.

The other guy told me he loves me and would like to be with me once I have sorted out who I truly want to be with. I feel awful for falling out of love with my husband and now I feel awful because I walked away from what could have been the best fitting relationship for me. I love my husband and care about him a great deal but feel that I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore but feel guilty about it. All I could think about is the other guy but when I was with him all I could feel about was my husband.

[kp2171]

Well you need to focus on what was wrong in the relationship and your actions. You fell out of love... what happened? Not focused on each other? No communication? You said you felt guilty about not working on it... so what was that about?

Until you can figure out what went wrong, and understand how to "fix" it or prevent it from happening again, you might just make the same mistakes.

So... first thing is to understand what happened and why.

Right now you are scared that you'll be alone if you don't grab onto this great guy now, and you are still dealing with the emotional issues tied to the divorce. You feel guilty for walking away and not feeling like you tried enough. OK.

If you aren't in love with your ex you need to back off. I'm all for doing the hard work to make a marriage last, and I don't take vows lightly one bit. But you divorced him, and I don't see how this is going to end well with you going back and forth. Being guilty isn't a reason to go back. He deserves to be with someone who loves him like a mate should. I hope you believe that. He deserves real love that's beyond familiarity and kindness. So get out of his way. You are just confusing a man who seems to still love you and not have it in him to step back when he needs to. Get out of his way.

As for the other guy... he might be a little hurt, but if he has half a clue he knew walking in that a recently divorced person might have some baggage to deal with. Bothers me that you ran hard into another relationship that suddenly makes the sun rise and fall... he might be a great guy, but it seems like you are just clinging to things.

Time to be a little alone. By yourself. Stop the back and forth extremes where you throw yourself into the latest, greatest thing, and then guilt and shame your way back in the opposite direction.

So, again... what happened in the other relationship? I know you say you fell out of love. Doesn't seem like he did. So what happened?

[andreaamord]

I'm agree with her... definitely, you should try to fix your relationship to your husband first, if it still don't work for both of you... well, it's the right time to stop and divorced with him... and it's the perfect time to go back to the other guy you've think you've fall into...

[Torn_Lover]

Hello,

What happened in the relationship is that I never felt like I was an equal partner. My husband is rich and after 7 yrs of being together and making money together everything was kept in his name (3 properties, 2 acquired during marrage). I felt like I was working towards a future with someone where I was not stable or secure financially. On an emotional level he was very needed and clingy and I found myself being very emotionally drained. I told him this was a problem for me and yet it still continued.

Our sex life was none existent and when we had sex it was like we were doing chores, I found myself not being sexually atracted to him anymore and when it did happen which was rare it was always on his terms.

[Andreas_111]

In my opinion I think that by staying with your husband you are doing no good to him or you since you don't love him. So hard as it is you should move on and so does he!

[kp2171]

Lots of issues there.

I can't see all that happened, and how it happened, from both sides... so I can't be completely objective. Your angle is just one spin, but the one you believe and the one we can work with. And I don't mean that I don't believe you... I mean hearing his side could help us understand how you both got to this place. Hearing his perspective might explain some things I'm unsure about.

So... issues to deal with are financial, emotional neediness, and a bad sex life...

Well, you can have some control over financial matters. If all else was running great before (good balance emotionally, good sex) this might not have been a problem so much. But I understand your position. Had a friend who went through a divorce in a similar place where the husband had all financial power and it was just because of a luck moment that she was able to wrestle some control as he was planning on leaving her. Long story. But I saw her fret about being out of control financially. So you need balance financially. That's doable.

And emotional neediness... that I guess comes down to finding a mate who is more stable and secure. Sometimes a needy person doesn't appear this way at first because their attentiveness is seen as affection. But again... your new resolution should be balance. You want a person who can be attentive and giving, but who has a life of their own, friends of his own, interests of his own.

And sex... this can be complicated on so many levels, but when you have all the above going on, your affection isn't going to be high. Instead of enjoying sex, you are using it to try to make up the gap that exists elsewhere in your relationship... and that just doesn't work. I've seen people with phenomenal sex lives still be miserable because the other issues aren't dealt with. One woman I know has spent over a dozen years in a relationship like this... they have great chemistry in bed, but are a train wreck outside the bedroom. So good sex can be tied to having all the other things in order and good communication, and it alone can't save most relationships.

Sounds like there was either a big lack of communication or a failure to hear each other or agree.

So... you both own the failure of that relationship. It belongs to you both. Its not just yours. Not all his. But both sides seemed to lack the balance that's needed to be healthy and to have room for being at odds without being on the edge.

Open and honest communication, counseling, faith... these are things that people can turn to when trying to change a relationship. Unless any of these are present in your relationship with your ex, I just don't see what is going to cause a different outcome this time.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ay-206417.html,
Starting another thread will not change the answers. When people are confused and defocused they end up going back and forth all the time and accomplish nothing, but chaos. Running from your feelings, and not dealing with them, will always put you in limbo. When you start looking at yourself ,and be responsible for your own happiness, only then will you see a course of action that works for you, so leave them both alone until you get your head together, and can make a good decision for yourself.


Or do you like the chaos, so you can enjoy the best of both worlds.. I don't think your as confused as you lead us to be, or your looking for someone to help you justify your actions.

Its probably all of the above.