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gg23 · Apr 17, 2008, 05:32 PM

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and 9 month. Things have been great most of the time. I mean we always seemed to understand each other and whenever whenever we fought, it was in a fair way. When we started dating we were in the same city as we went to the same university. I graduated last spring and moved to a town 2 hrs away to work on my engineering degree. This is my second semester at my new campus, and she is on her last semester back the other university.

Over this past winter break she went on a trip for about 4 weeks and we didn't really keep much contact during that time. When she came back, things were still as they were since we have been going out. However, about 5 weeks ago, things have just been way too different. We were easily irritated toward each other, but then we would just make up and after a fight and we would be go on and just sort things out and then we would be OK.

Recently she has been just totally a different person. I mean have been going out with her long enough to get to know that she is definitely not the same person I used to date. She always used to be happy, and would always make time for me. Also when she talked to me her the tone of her voice was very different you could tell that a sense of appreciation and admiration. Until recently,( 5 weeks ago) I thought I had the girl of my dream. Nice, kind, understanding etc... now however, whenever she addresses me her tone is just really different, almost so that she makes me feel like I am bugging her or something.

It started about 5 weeks ago. With the recent economic downturn, one weekend when I went back to visit, she was really really stressed. I asked what was up and she said that she had lost a lot of money in her stocks things like that... and she also seemed just somewhat different. I asked what was up and she told me that everything was OK.( but I could tell that she had something up her sleeves). Also, at one time she seemed so tense that I told her that I didn't like seeing her that way and she replied that "it was going to be like this whole semester".

She said that this was the most failed semester of her major, and that she had to get her grades up for fear or losing her scholarship. I let things go then. Then I noticed that she was not calling as she used to. I mean this the same person who could not go 2 days without calling and for awhile it felt like she pursuing me. In a sense. I mean she really went out of her way. I did too but... anyway... about two weeks after that, she was going to have about 6 midterms in a week. 2 of them were canceled and so she ended up having 4 of them. I was trying to get a hold of her, but she would not pick up. I asked why she was ignoring me, but she told me that was not ignoring me and that she was getting annoyed by me texting her over and over asking why I am ignoring her... she went on to say that she was not but that she was just busy...

I stopped by and visited the weekend before that and we ended up not doing much, and she just seemed really tense. I mean things were OK. I stayed with her that night and we just relaxed that one weekend...

To make the long story short, over spring break I called her and she would not pick her phone at all... I mean I just got so used to talking to her that it was beginning to bug me that she would not pick up her phone when she went home... I think the only few times we talked was over ims or so... but you could sense that in her tone she was really just as if she was upset or something... anyway from there things just downhill... I don't know if I am being selfish, but she keep saying that she is busy busy busy studying all the time. I mean I would call and sometime I would just get a voice mail...
Last time I visited her it was the same thing. She was studying the whole time she had an exam that coming up Tuesday. We went out to dinner, and after we went back we stayed in and just talked things out. She was telling me that I had left her to go away, and that the long distance was just getting to her. And I could swear when we were talking she just sounded as if she was mocking the relationship... " i don't even know what is it anymore"... almost as if she had a lost interest or something like. Before I left I told her that I was going to give her a call on Wednesday... I did and again got her voice mail... I text her saying " thanx a lot"... the next morning around 8 am she text back saying" sorry...i am sick my mom thinks i have meningitis. i barely have a voice and slept all day yest. i left work early because i wasn't feeling good so don't give me that. i don't need it"... that was7 days ago. I text her back saying OK.. srry hope you feel better.. . that was the last time I talked to her... I did not hear from her and so I just figured I would maybe give her sometime not give her a call until she is ready... its been 7 days since I mean am I at fault here or what? I just don't understand what's is up anymore!!

ashley0716 · Apr 17, 2008, 05:56 PM

It seems like she is just a little down and stressed out. I am an Army wife and only 21 years old. My husband is currently deployed to Iraq, a much larger distance than between you and your girlfriend. This is his second tour since we've been married. It sounds like she is stressed out from school. As you well know, the last semester before graduation is the most stressful of all eight semesters you spend in school.

About the meningitis... I don't think you realize how serious that is. Google "meningitis" and I guarantee when you read it, you will think "man, 'sorry' just wasn't good enough" It makes you EXTREMELY sick, running a fever, achy, it resembles a very bad case of the flu, and in some cases, if it gets in the spinal cord (known as "spinal meningitis") can be fatal.

She is stressed out so next time you have a free weekend, take her out to or cook her a romantic dinner, give her a massage, ask her if there's any studying she needs to do that you can help her with, do a load of her laundry, something to lighten her burden.

Explain to her that you really care for her and you understand that your relationship is experiencing its first "rough patch" as all relationships do, but that you still love her. Apologize for the long distance relationship but make her understand that sometimes, BIG sacrifices have to be made, to benefit the future. For example, my husband HATES being away from me and our daughter, but we have free healthcare and he will retire at the age of 40 and get 50% of his monthly income, ever month for the rest of his life... so this, he is really doing it for us.

Hope this helps! Good Luck and God Bless!

talaniman · Apr 17, 2008, 06:08 PM

I'm afraid the stress of a long distance relationship, has taken its toll, and you haven't made it any better either. You should have been nicer and less selfish, as you could see the changes, but ignored them, or failed to act with compassion. Now you must walk that fine line, of being very nice, without being needy. No texts or emails, a letter of apology.

ashley0716 · Apr 17, 2008, 06:13 PM

I don't think you realized the severity of her sickness. I think from what you tell me, you genuinely care for this girl and weren't intending to be selfish or negligent to her needs. I don't think long distance relationships are impossible, but I DO think they are only for the strongest people, look at the divorce rate of military service members. I know that everyone copes with things differently. She MAY have just gotten used to being independent and not needing to lean on you so much. That HAPPENS, and it's normal and it doesn't mean she loves you less, it means she is stronger and she is maturing. Don't give up, but you may want to back off and give her a little space, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe if you act a little more reserved, she'll come to YOU!

gg23 · Apr 17, 2008, 07:34 PM

Thank you for your answers. It helps when you get an objective opinion. To talinan man, what do you mean a letter of apology?. a hand written?. about the no contact thing. I have not talked to her for 7 days... I am planning to just let thing be and hoping that when things come down, that we might see where we go from there. But at the same time I don't just want to disappear and make it look like I'm pissed at her... I know I know... and to ash, it tuned out that she had GUARDIA... not meningitis... but I think she has somehow recovered from it... last weekend when I was there, on Saturday night after the dinner, we talked for a good 3 hrs... at first she was really irritated... it seemed as if she was annoyed... then she ended up mentioning something about me not listening and ended up saying something that pissed me off... I was going to leave but then I just decided that I would just stay but just do my chill without saying a word... I guess she felt bad... because I just didn't want to continued the talk... I guess she felt bad and realized that she was harsh... apologized and then the rest of the night was good... it almost seemed as if it was the my old lady... gosh I know.. I know... here I am writing too and worrying... n on and on... but I'm just not ready to let the first real big difficulty in our relationship part us away... I believe relationship takes work and sacrifices as I am sure you all know... in the meantime I have stayed busy with school myself and reading during down time, which is my best time killer whenever I deal with the relationship issues... anyway just wanted to say thanks you your comment...

ashley0716 · Apr 17, 2008, 07:40 PM

I don't think you should give up. If this is the biggest problem you have, you're doing good. We girls are always complaining that you guys don't listen, so really try to do better. Trust me, she's not saying it for no reason. Just stay busy and let things settle and let her come to you! I hope everything works out for you!

gg23 · Apr 18, 2008, 08:05 PM

It's day eight only and it feels like forever... I was hoping that should wait until she contact me! sounds like a good plan?. suggestions please?

talaniman · Apr 18, 2008, 08:18 PM

but I'm just not ready to let the first real big difficulty in our relationship part us away... I believe relationship takes work and sacrifices as I am sure you all know...

I do know, but that's not what I see here. Your not contacting her because of what exactly? Find out what's going on, and clear the air. No contact is for getting over some one, not a game to make them chase you, or see their mistakes. You should be talking, and working together, and if you can't work it out, then go your separate ways.

gg23 · Apr 20, 2008, 05:32 PM

OK so I went back to visit this weekend, but she ended up going home as she mentioned about two weeks ago. I attempted contacting her last night but I got no reply. This morning I sent sms to see when she was getting back and I could stop by and see her a talk a little before I leave... she send me a text back saying that she was not getting back until about 7 pm and that she had to study some more because she had a really crucial exam coming up tomorrow morning at the first hour... I really don't want to call her again so that I don't look like to look clingy and let her focus on her school... do you think I should maybe I should wait and let things unfold as we are both done with school in about 25 days?. I mean what do you think I should do... on the other hand I wrote her a letter in which I apologized and just kind of went over everything that I wanted to discuss with her. Do you think sending it would be a better rather than waiting until after finals are over?

talaniman · Apr 20, 2008, 05:51 PM

I wouldn't contact her in any way. Nor would I wait for her to make time for me either. See you, hate to be you, would be my attitude.

ashley0716 · Apr 20, 2008, 05:57 PM

Possibly email her? Just let her know that you know things are rocky right now, but her keeping you at bay, isn't healthy for either of you. Tell her to be an adult and be honest with you, does she want to continue a relationship with you or does she want to part ways? If she DOES want to continue a relationship with you, then kindly let her know that how things are now, isn't how a relationship works, and they DO take time and sacrifice and compromise and most of all, communication. Tell her you understand if she doesn't want to be with you anymore but at the VERY least, you deserve complete honesty.

gg23 · Apr 20, 2008, 06:08 PM

So do you mean I should just walk away?

ashley0716 · Apr 20, 2008, 06:10 PM

I am saying that you have bent over backwards to make a valid effort to make it work and she is pulling you along, talking to you JUST enough to drive you crazy, seems to be working for her? But NOT for you! Tell her you are more than willing to make this work, but SHE has to put forth half the effort too! Get what I'm saying?

gg23 · Apr 20, 2008, 06:29 PM

I'm going to try to do that. Gosh I am so confused! how come I didn't see this coming?. I don't know

ashley0716 · Apr 20, 2008, 06:32 PM

Look you seem like a really nice guy, you seem to very attentive to this girl, which is a rare quality to find in men. Don't you think there is a girl out there for you that can APPRECIATE this character trait in you? I know you are probably thinking "I've been with her for so long...." but the truth is, the longer you stay, if it's not meant to be, the harder it will be to finally let go. Good luck to you!

talaniman · Apr 20, 2008, 06:40 PM

Walk away with your dignity and self respect. You have tried, and she has no time for you. Who the hell is she?

gg23 · Apr 25, 2008, 02:55 PM

OK guys... I send her a message the other day...

Just wanted to check in. hey listen we have been going out together for a long time now, at least a year! And I think that its long enough to know someone very well. I am really confused right now because I don't know what's up with us... and to tell you to thruth its hurts... because I sit here trying to figure out what I have done wrong, or how things came to be this way... it's my birthday today and yet I can't even find a way to smile... I know your are busy... but I really also want you to be honest with me... with every day that passes... the further I feel you are away from me... whats going on?. I really want to know because I don't undestand anything anymore and its driving me crazy!! all I am asking for is to know where we are headed... I hope that not too much to ask is it?.

Her response:

I have been so busy, so stressed. This is my transition time. I have been having exam after exam, projects, unknowns, lab reports, papers, presentations, work. I have family issues going on back home. I barely talk to anyone anymore. I rarely talk to kt and haven't seen michelle in almost two months. You can ask my roommates, I stay in my room and study. I've been going to bed at like 1 and waking up at 6. I don't go the best off those times. Plus.. I'm in the process of getting a place in rochester, figurin out how and when to move my stuff there, what I need to buy still for my transition. I'm not playing around.. I don't have time for anything rt now. Plus.. I almost completely got rid of my cough this weekend, and now I have a sore throat and bad cough again. Seriously.. there isn't enough time for everything I need to do. You haven't done anything.. I've just been way way too busy. I have an exam next week again that I have to start studying for. It doesn't help that my professor won't give me the time of day. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to stand this all. I feel bad that I can't give you the time of day, but seriously.. I don't know if this will end for a long time. I hate to say this but I don't know if I have the time and effort to put forth in a relationship rt now. It seriously is nothing uve done. All of my outbursts have pretty much been the stress coming out. I'm sorry for those.. I'm just.. I don't know. My brain's fried

talaniman · Apr 25, 2008, 05:22 PM

I hate to say this but I don't know if I have the time and effort to put forth in a relationship rt now. It seriously is nothing uve done.

Translation: I don't have time for you or your birthday and I'm busy See Ya!

Sorry for your loss. Now be man enough to leave her alone. It just don't get no clearer.

ashley0716 · Apr 26, 2008, 07:06 AM

Man, happy birthday, mine was yesterday too. Anyway, don't you think you deserve someone how can MAKE time for you. Nobody said relationships were easy, everyone gets stressed, what kind of princess does she think she is. Part of being in an ADULT relationship is learning to organize your time and make time for those who are important to you... MOVE ON... she isn't worth anymore effort. Walk away feeling confident you gave it your all.

gg23 · Nov 17, 2008, 09:57 PM

Hello guys. I must say I have been away for good long time. I do occasionally check this site to do my best to give advice to those going through break ups... but first I want to say thank to all you guys who were there for me in my down time. I could never be grateful enough. I am well off now. Totally back to being me and I left. I was surprised that before I knew it it was all over. Here we are six months later. I have stated my life with a new start. And went out as you all advised me, have fun and meet people. I did just that. And most important of all, I also took time to look back at my relationship and what caused it demise. I am all good and in fact. I have an new lady in my life. She is adorable, and actually gives her time and she is not too busy all the time etc. we celebrated our first month on the six of November. And also now I have an issue. My ex has been emailing me, calling me, texting for about a good month and a half. She says that with time alone, she thought things over and she realized that she doesn't want me in her life, but that she needs me. She says she cannot find someone like me, and that she would like for us to work things out. Part of the of the problem our relationship had was that her family was also putting stress on her for dating out of her race. I'm black and she is white. She has repeatedly told me that she had several conversation with her mom, who was the main person that disapproved and that she was able to get her to see things with an open mind. Now. We have been talking at several occasion but just as friend because I told her that I am in a relationship and I do have feeling for my actual girlfriend. My ex came to visit town this past weekend and I was with my girlfriend. It was kind of awkward because I showed my girlfriend the email my ex sent me, in which she said she wanted me back.etc... the thing is I do see my ex like a friend, but at the same time I I feel as if I still want what I had with her. Don't get me wrong what I have now is great. The thing is I was with her for 2 years and we grew really really close. Now she was a little sad when I came with my girlfriend. Cause I do know 100% sure that she wants to get back together. I told her that had she taken the time to think before she made her decision 6 months ago we wouldn't haven been here. I really loved her a great deal. I know I have strong feeling for my current girlfriend. But at the same time I feel like I am letting an old friend down... any advise would be welcome...