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talaniman · Apr 17, 2008, 04:30 PM

Your doctor can give you a referral for a good private counselor, make sure he knows the whole story of her behavior.

achampio21 · Jul 21, 2008, 10:48 AM

OKAY! Thought I would give an update and ask another question. I was told if it is pretty closely related to keep in this thread. And you were all so helpful.

My mother has taken it upon herself to inform my daughter that she can go live with her biological father. So now she cries every night for her "real" daddy. Doesn't call my fiancé daddy anymore and tells me regularly that she wants to go live with him and doesn't want to live with me anymore.

I have tried it all. The counselor says to let her go if she wants to go. Even the counselor says she doesn't seem to have any emotional problems but rather seems to be suffering from the traditional "spoiled-brat" syndrome. He says she basically has everyone figured out and believes she can manipulate all of us into getting what she wants. She has even told the counselor that she will runaway from home every night when she gets older. He told her that will just get her sent to juvenile and she says to him "my meme said that juvenile is to crowded to take runaways anymore so I wouldn't stay very long, and mommy will get sick of it and get rid of me sometime" I have it on tape. I get to listen to that anytime I want. The only reason she doesn't want to live with me is "because I don't want to follow rules, meme doesn't have any rules. I even get to jump on the bed and eat in my room at her house". So my daughter hates me because I make her follow rules. Go figure. I'm such a BAD parent for having rules. :rolleyes:

So, my question is this... how do I go about transferring custody over to daddy?

Any help or advice would be great. I have researched it on the internet but only find things like visitation and things related to the mother having custody and support payments, etc..

Thanks again in advance! ~
Champ

N0help4u · Jul 21, 2008, 10:53 AM

When she says that juvie is too over crowded the reply should be that then child protective services can take her off her parents and place her in a foster home or an institution for kids who have nowhere to go. I agree she has learned how to push everybody's buttons and you all need to get together and agree to all have to agree on things rather than let her get away with the old If mommy says I can't go to the movies I will ask daddy.

achampio21 · Jul 21, 2008, 11:20 AM

Well, I totally agree with you. But I think I should specify. If she goes to her daddy's I won't visit. She will live with him for a full school year and the summer. The last day of July she will have to make a decision... live with me and follow my rules and visist with "meme" and "real daddy" or live with "real daddy" and not see me. I know that is harsh, but I'm tired of playing her games and I have 2 other children to worry about.

If she is big enough to play mind games with grown-ups then she is big enough for a nice healthy dose of real life. Maybe that is too harsh. But I'm telling you, I am close to calling the cops on her now on a regular basis. I know it sounds like an easy way for me, but I think it's high time real daddy steps up and starts dealing with some of the problem. He has been taking all of the glory and none of the pain for 8 years.

What do you think?

PS I called about boot camp/military schools they don't take kids unless they are 16 and kicked out of or dropped out of school and they are EXPENSIVE! More than a 4 year college degree!!

N0help4u · Jul 21, 2008, 11:27 AM

I would say it might be best to send her to dads IF he is going to be tough on her to where she wants to be back with you. If she thinks she is going there to have it easy and no rules she does need a good dose of reality.

I think if you go through the daytime shows you don't have to pay but I am not sure on that.

achampio21 · Jul 21, 2008, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I would say it might be best to send her to dads IF he is going to be tough on her to where she wants to be back with you. If she thinks she is going there to have it easy and no rules she does need a good dose of reality.

I think if you go through the daytime shows you don't have to pay but I am not sure on that.

He is just as tough as I am, his wife is also. And they have a son. I think it would be good for her to see that rules aren't just in MY house.

The daytime show thing... I don't prefer to put my business on national television. But thanks for the idea. It prob is free if you go that way.

N0help4u · Jul 21, 2008, 11:59 AM

Yeah but as a last resort when she turns 16 you might be desperate enough---hopefully not

achampio21 · Jul 21, 2008, 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

yeah but as a last resort when she turns 16 you might be desperate enough---hopefully not

LOL very true Nohelp. Very true! Thank you!! I will post again to let everyone what happens if/and she goes.

Thank you a bunch!

Champ

liz28 · Jul 21, 2008, 12:45 PM

If her living with her dad don't work or if you want to try something else, you can look into her doing some community service because in some areas they can make this happen and the youngest, for some children is 6. Also, they have many scare straight programs, again in some ares, for kids. I went to one in the 4th grade and it was scary and some where I never wished to go.

achampio21 · Jul 21, 2008, 12:57 PM

Wow liz28! Thanks. I never heard of those I will def. look into them!! THANK YOU!

N0help4u · Jul 21, 2008, 01:02 PM

I heard of the scared straight things but I forgot about them because they don't seem very publicized.
scared straight programs - Google Search

You can look for an 800 # or type scared straight program and your state in the search engine

talaniman · Jul 21, 2008, 06:25 PM

I think some time with Dad is a very good idea, why wait until she is 16?

hjpan · Jul 23, 2008, 10:49 PM

Child counseling & therapy?

achampio21 · Jul 25, 2008, 07:42 AM

All right. Well I found out that my little county doesn't have scared straight programs. And the closest big city I called said that 8 years old was "a little young doncha think". So whatever. Obviously they want to wait until she has been to juvenile a few times.

Also, my lawyer is now giving me the runaround because he has become big time and has murders and crap on his plate and seems to not have time for my little problems. But he still wants my money. Hmm go figure.

Looks like I have to find a new lawyer too!!

talaniman · Jul 25, 2008, 07:55 AM

Talk to DAD!!

achampio21 · Jul 25, 2008, 07:58 AM

I still have to go through the courts talaniman. Dad and I have talked. He is okay with anything I decide. But he pays support and I am not going to continue to take his money if he has her. So I still have to go to court to transfer physical custody and stop his payments.

Sarah48375 · Jul 25, 2008, 08:28 AM

I have a seven year old, and if she was acting the way you describe, I'm not sure I'd be able to control my temper. I don't have any valuable advice, but I know that my daughter is still my baby. I can only imagine how much your heart has to be hurting. You shouldn't have to go through all of this crap till she is a teenager. For your sake, I hope mom kicks the bucket soon... OK I know that's a little harsh... forgive me! But you deserve to have your baby back.

MsMewiththat · Jul 25, 2008, 08:43 AM

I didn't read much of anything prior to what was written today, so forgive me if this has been discussed already. Raising children is a very important responsibility. I'm not going to be harsh, but I am going to be real with you. Stop making excuses for why your daughter behaves the way she does. Communicate with her and let her know it stops now. YOU ARE THE PARENT. I see much of what you are doing as wrong. First and foremost, no you can't punish the rest of the children when you have to punish her, but taking away meal time and changing what she is allowed to eat is not at all fair. This type of rationale is most likely carried over into other areas in your dealings with her and she is growing resentful. Treat her with respect. Have boundaries, be firm, stick with the rules and be persistent. I am not saying that your daughter may not be challenging you, I'm sure she is. You are the adult. My child would come home from visits with big ideas and stories it's our duty as parents to handle it very carefully but not to feed in to it. You know what it's about so don't give in to it. One question for you though? Do the other kids visit grandma too? Why is she the only one that comes home with problems?

achampio21 · Jul 25, 2008, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

I didn't read much of anything prior to what was written today, so forgive me if this has been discussed already. Raising children is a very important responsibility. I'm not going to be harsh, but I am going to be real with you. Stop making excuses for why your daughter behaves the way she does. Communicate with her and let her know it stops now. YOU ARE THE PARENT. I see much of what you are doing as wrong. First and foremost, no you can't punish the rest of the children when you have to punish her, but taking away meal time and changing what she is allowed to eat is not at all fair. This type of rationale is most likely carried over into other areas in your dealings with her and she is growing resentful. Treat her with respect. Have boundaries, be firm, stick with the rules and be persistent. I am not saying that your daughter may not be challenging you, I'm sure she is. You are the adult. My child would come home from visits with big ideas and stories it's our duty as parents to handle it very carefully but not to feed in to it. You know what it's about so don't give in to it. One question for you though? Do the other kids visit grandma too? Why is she the only one that comes home with problems?

Okay. First off. I don't make excuses, I am being honest. She knows I am the parent and she knows what she is doing is wrong and she still does it. She sees a counselor and even the counselor says she is well aware of her actions and the consequences that will occur when she does what she does. She just simply doesn't care. She knows that I can't whoop her, she knows I can't scream at her, she knows I can't truly punish her. My mother has told her all of the things that consititute child abuse and told her to call 911 anytime it happens. Even YELLING at a child can be considered child abuse if the officer wants to enforce it. She has also been told all she has to do is tell them I am threatening her and they will arrest me. She tells me right to my face that she can do whatever she wants and nothing will happen to her.

I don't take away meal times. I feed my child 3 times a day. The only thing I do is if my fiancé and I had a dinner date planned and she got in trouble that day she will eat at home before we go and not eat out with us. Her brothers are 1 and 2. So it's not like they get steak dinners and she gets bread and water. I feed her very well. (I love to cook and I am not mean).

Her brothers do not visit with my mother because she didn't include them in her visitation battle. She has never seen either of my sons and I will go to my grave before I let her. One child messed up is enough. I won't let her screw the other two up.

My daughter just recently was caught with her hand over my littliest one's mouth and nose. I removed her hand, picked up the baby, and asked her calmly what she was doing. She stated, "I wanted to hear this show and he was crying and being annoying." I was shocked. I asked her is she realized that she could kill him doing that, and she responded by shrugging her shoulders and staring at the TV. I had to walk away.

I am telling you, me describing it on here does not even come close to doing the situation justice. It is horrible. My hands are tied and I am afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of waking up and my sons are dead.

As horrible as it sounds I feel like the parents in the horror flick "Chucky". Or pet Cemetery by Stephen King. She was my little doll baby growing up. She was so sweet and loved her mommy soooooo much. She would dance with me and sing with me and want me to hold her hand and would run to me and kiss me every time I got home. Now she just can't stand me. And won't even hug me.

I know it isn't her fault. I also know she prob doesn't totally comprehend what she is doing. But I can't fix it. The counselor told me that when he talks to her she is calm and collected and very easy going. But the things she says just blow him away for as young as she is. She is accurate in all of the legal info that she has and in all honesty is prob right about juvenile too. She knows her boundaries and doesn't mind to step over them whenever she wants. He used this analogy...

"I know it sounds radical, but she seems to have the same mindset as a person on deathrow. She knows what she has done and continues to do is wrong but doesn't mind suffering the consequences. She understands fully that she is to follow the rules set forth by her mother but refuses because she just simply "wants to". She is well-aware of the fact that the older she gets the worse the consequences could become legally and she responds to that as "I will be good when I get what I want." "

He doesn't think that counseling can necessarily "fix" her because she honestly doesn't believe anything is wrong with her and has been convinced that because she is a little kid she can do whatever she wants. She TRULY believes these things. So he says you can't fix someone that doesn't believe they are broken. And you can't convince them they are broken if they refuse to listen. Maybe if she remains in counseling throughout adolescence she will change, but he can't predict the future and who can really blame a child for taking full advantage of a situation where they know they can win.

And one more thing, I can't treat someone with respect that doesn't respect me. I tried the whole "friends" thing. She worked me over real good. I tried the "I'm the parent, you are the child" thing and she laughed in my face. I tried the "ultamatum" thing and she didn't care. I have fought for 5 years to get her away from that woman and get my little girl back. But I am one person against a whole army, of which most of them are judges, CPS, and officers. I can't fight anymore. My son's are suffering because of this and that's not fair.

I appreciate you being blunt and harsh. But I am telling you the God's honest truth when I say I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING!

I want her out of my house and away from my sons. My head and heart battle over that very phrase 24/7/365. My head screams get rid of her, and my heart screams No, she's my baby girl. But I can tell you this, my 2 year old is already starting to act just like her. And I will be damned if I have 3 of them in my house that act just like my satanic mother.

Can you really blame me at this point? I think I would try harder if I hadn't already fought this long. I have spent close to $20,000 JUST on lawyers. That doesn't include the bill for this counselor. I had to recently file bankruptcy just to get rid of my other bills so I could afford to pay the lawyers. I have almost lost everything trying to keep a child in my life that is trying everything to get out of it. It's like trying to save someone from drowning that is fighting you the whole way to shore. You either have to knock them out and force them to shore or risk going down with them. I can't knock her out and I won't go down with her. So my other option is to let her go and live with THAT freakin guilt for the rest of my life. And hope that looking at my 2 sons everyday will make it better.

I really do appreciate any comments though. Even if they seem "harsh". I am lost at this point. And I am backed into a corner. I never imagined having to do this when I was rocking her 8 years ago and singing to her beautiful sleeping face.

MsMewiththat · Jul 25, 2008, 10:46 AM

I'm amazed at some of what you have written. She's a child. I'm not oblivious to the fact that there are children out there that are WAY OFF, but a lot of what you are saying makes no sense. If your mother was that bad, she raised you, have you sought any help to correct how you were raised and your thought process to date? It can't be everyone else and never you? If you choose to get rid of your daughter as apposed to understanding her and getting her help, what will be your solution when your boys display the same behavior, get rid of them too and blame it on your mother? You have to get help yourself. Please. I'm not trying to judge you, it's a fact. If your mother was that bad some of her is in you. Correct this and understand that children want to be good. She's screaming for help and understanding. Give it to her. Figure it out and fix it. Please. Whether you say it out loud or say it through action you are blaming her for a lot and she most likely feels it. What has gone wrong? I can't believe the amount of control you are giving a 7 year old? Who says you can't spank her. She would get wore the "H" out in my house and I dare you to call the police, I love you and these are your consequences. No option. Parenting classes are in deed necessary. You get out what you put in. Be careful, save your children. PRAY!