[released81101]

:confused: my wife and I have been married for a little over two years, but during that time we have spent most of the time separated. My wife has drinking problem and she is very depressed and she won't let go of her past and it has caused our marriage to be where it is now. I am a christian and I knew my wife problems when I met her but I over looked them because I thought loving her the way she needed it would help her get past the past and move on. I went through the cycle of blaming myself for her cheating but have leaned that it was her choice. I still love her and still want to be with her but she remains with the other man. She knows she is wrong and she says if she goes to hell she goes to hell. She won't be with me because I won't agree with her drinking. I told her I can deal with the drinking but when it becomes priority over me and the family then that's where I draw the line. Both men she has been with are in agreement with her lifestyle and I have learned that when an addict has someone like that she will remain with them even though she doesn't have any love for them.

I have fought god with this one, and have tried many times to win her back on my ways and not god's and many times I have gotten what I wanted but the cost of doing that has led her back to these other men. She has made it very clear that she wants a divorce and wants nothing to do with me. She is very sick now and has been told that if she doesn't quit drinking she will die but she still sees what she is doing is OK. I feel like I need to hold on and wait this out and trust god to lead her away from this sin but I hurt so bad and want to give up but Im scared to let go of her all the way. What do I do? We are two months away from our legal time to be separated for her to divorce me but I can fight that for another six months but I don't know if I should. I need answers and help. I feel like divorcing her would not bring closure but it would set me free. Please help me

[Clough]

(Question moved from Introductions to more appropriate topic area in order to get the most exposure to those best able to respond to the post. Introductions is for introducing yourself and we try not to ask questions in that topic area. Thank you!)

[Allheart]

Hi Relased,

First, I am so sorry, so very sorry you are going through all of this.

You have a great deal on your plate -

1) When there is someone that you love who has an addiction problem, the sickness of that disease effects everyone with whom the addict is near. The sickness has spilled over to you as well. I would strongly recommend seeing if you can attend an Alanon meeting.
Here is a link for you to find one near you:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

2) As a Christian, you know you can pray for your wife as you do, but God also gives everyone free will and She is the ultimate chooser. So, yes trust God and pray to God, to guide you to do what is best according to His will, but try and not put the sickness on God as well, if you wife, still chooses these ways. Additionally, when an addict gets so bad, it will only be when they seek help for their addiction that they will be able to pull themselves away from their disease.

You are suffering at the hands of a terrible disease and I truly do feel for you. Before you can make any choices, you first have to seek some assistance yourself. Through prayer and perhaps attending the meetings yourself, will help you see thinks a little clearer.

You have spent so much time, energy and all of your heart trying to carry your wife through all of this, you must be careful and not drown in it all as well.

Take care of yourself first.

Bless you now and always and we are always here, so welcome and know you are not alone.

[Kevin_s]

I too agree that Allheart has pretty much summed up what is bet but there are some other things you need to think about.

Let's think about this from her perspective for a moment. To her, she thinks she can handle drinking and that she is fine. To her, it's all right for her to cheat on you (twice but probably more) and that it's fine.

It's one thing to be there for her and to help her in her time of need, and then it's another thing to let her actions and her drinking problem be the reason why you stay. It's not fair for you to stay because she needs help and is unwilling to get that.

You also can't let her blame you for her adultery, that is unacceptable to let her treat you so poorly KNOWING THAT YOU WILL STAY THERE. I know that you are in a terrible position right now and that you feel like you have no where to turn to but you've come to the right place with us here by your side.

Maybe she needs an intervention to help her see her ways (regardless if you two are going to be married or not) and as much as you love her, maybe it's best that you two aren't together.

Don't blame drinking problems to her adultery, even drunks know what's right from wrong when it comes to a relationship and clearly she's not going to be what you want her to be. People change and when they do, and you're going in a different direction than the other, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and see if realistically it's worth it.

I know you want to help her brother, but you got to look out for yourself too! The most important person in your life should be you and you only and you can't let anybody disrespect you like that. I come from a family with a history of drinking problems myself, and I know from experience that it's not healthy. My girlfriends parents are split up and the mother has a drinking problem and thinks about herself rather than her two daughters (my girlfriend is 20, her sister is 15!) so finally my girlfriend understood what I have been trying to tell her and got out of that situation and is now living with her dad. The sister on the other hand is stuck, and the mother gets abusive when she drinks and I've gone and picked her up at like 2-3am when she's crying because the mother did something and I let her stay at my house (since the mom doesn't know where I live) I love my girlfriend to death and think of her sister as my own little sister and I got to do what I got to do to protect her. Unfortunately, you can't necessarily do the same, but you need to save yourself!

"If you made a list of reasons any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a lot of overlapping.” (Mignon McLaughlin)

You married her knowing that this was a problem, and that you could fix it, and that is your mistake and yours only. People will not be able to be helped unless they want it. I hate the thought of divorce and that before people get married that they should go through the hardships and keep an open communication because when they are married it becomes a huge mess.

I think the best thing for you is to ask HER for the divorce, she'll see that your sick of her bull and though she may be happy at the time that she's free, she'll realize that she lost a good man with a good heart. Who knows maybe she'll come back, it's not a guarantee, but in all honesty, as much as you would love to be with her, she won't fully be the woman you want to be.

If you love this woman with all of your heart, you will know that letting her go does not mean failure, it means that your allowing her to have a new beginning, and if that new path meets with yours again, the ball is in your court to do with it what you please and have the control, because right now she is stringing you along it seems and you have no control over the situation and your OWN happiness.

Good luck my friend,

Kevin S

[talaniman]

The best help you can give someone who suffers from such an insidious disease as alcoholism, is to leave them alone, to make their own decision, and not let them drag you through the gutter with them. Educate yourself through Al-Anon, and let her go. Good Luck.

[sully123]

I agree you should let her go, it's her choice, you tried your best to make a go of it. She knows she has a problem, and please don' t go down with her. She is choosing someone else, someone who is contributing to her problems even more. For your own sanity, walk away, you don't deserve this. IF there is kids involved talk to them. Get some kind of support or counseling for yourself and good luck.

[N0help4u]

When somebody blames their past for their drinking and other problems there is nothing you can do to change them! They brought the excess baggage into the marriage, they cling to the excess baggage over the marriage and the excess baggage ruined the marriage.
Nothing you can do! She choose him and her drinking over you. She knows that even if she came back to you and you accepted her drinking that she still could not feel free to totally be her own self. She knows her priorities are different from yours and she more than most likely would continue cheating on you as well.
You need to let her go!