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flatron · Apr 12, 2008, 04:17 AM

I broke up with over 2 months ago. Things were getting too complicated and serious. He was 27, me 22. I am young to settle down so I backed off. Because I couldn't see this working out this time around. I have told him this all the reason why I am breaking up with him. Which has nothing to do with him but the things I need to face to be with him.
I went overseas and had a rebound relationship for a month. But we still kept in contact nearly daily bases. And some flirty things were said like I told him "i miss him" "i want to kiss him" and he said "wish things worked out" "he keeps checking his phone to see i texted" and "he missed me"
When I came back I knew I wanted him back and learned a greater appreciation for him. First time we met I learnt he has met someone new. Until this point everything was good he was trying very hard to be rational so we can be friends.
I didn't take him dating again very well and became very clingy. Our attempt of being friends went out the window. I asked him back and was rejected.
He asked for 2 weeks of no communication. When that arrived he said he isn't sure and asked for more time, this time undetermined.
A week later he msned be we chatted... than we later I texted him... thinking maybe we can try now. I was wrong I asked him if he wanted more time and he said yes. Few days I couldn't take it. I asked him for coffee and he agreed. But before I met him I ask. After the coffee do we go back to not communicating again. His reply. Yes, and its going to be a very long time because he can't deal with us just being buddies again. A VERY LONG TIME
I was crushed. Never actually went to the coffee and kind of stopped contacting him.
What do I do? I just can't deal with this idea of not communicating with him. He was my best friend as well. I feel like I lost two important people in my life. I can't wait a very long time for him. I just can't.
HELP
This was my first proper relationship. I made so many mistakes and learnt so much... and do want this guy to be happy. Just can't him go.

lmnotok · Apr 12, 2008, 04:40 AM

Well then, its time for you to learn how to do it. He said he needed time, then give him time. If you keep harassing him then things will get worse, trust me. Learn to be an independent adult. You don't lose anyone, you already did your part, he'll be back, at least being friends with you. Wait and see!

Marriedguy · Apr 12, 2008, 04:47 AM

Please give us details as they will help in giving the proper advice. How long have you been together prior to the break-up? What was the nature of the break-up? This rebound relationship does he know about it?

He is showing the strong signs that he does not want to be with you.

Best friends don't date for this very reason. When you decide to date someone you consider a friend you are changing the relationship from a friendship to a romantic relationship. Very rarely do I see this relationship revert back to its original state.

It's my belief that straight, attractive male and female can't even entertain a friendship. In my experience every best friend relationship I was expose to one of the parties was romantically interested in the other party. It's just masked by the statement “oh, no we are best friends” Then you separate the pair and ask them if they find the other attractive? If giving the opportunity to date there friend without ruin the relationship they once had? After about 10-15 minutes of dodging answer other questions it will be revealed.

COOKIE MONSTER · Apr 12, 2008, 05:58 AM

He doesn't want to be with you he's told you it will be very long time for no communication meaning he doesn't want to speak with you and I don't think he really wants to be friends with you either

Get over him and move on it's the best thing for you it'll take time for feelings to fade but you will be OK and you will find somebody new but don't rush into it take your time

Don't tex or call him anymore start no contact meaning no texis,calls,emails,msn,no nothing

Just let him get on with his life and you get on with yours

talaniman · Apr 12, 2008, 10:29 AM

I feel like I lost two important people in my life. I can't wait a very long time for him.

You have, and must accept it, and move on. His words, and actions, are speaking loud and clear, and you can stop waiting and move on. Sorry for your losses.

svatnsdal · Apr 12, 2008, 10:50 AM

To me it kind of sounds like he's just dragging you along. He has no intention of ever getting back with you, just hoping to have you there to go to bed with when he needs it. Of course, I could be way off. Leave, he's not worth it! You've got your own life, go and live it and don't let him play with you! There's many other great men out there.

flatron · Apr 12, 2008, 05:57 PM

Thank you all for your advise.
This guy is very stand up guy. He doesn't want to sleep or anything. He is really a nice guy which I finished because I saw it going nowhere for now... so we didn't to get hurt by going to deep. Truly wanting in the future we can try again.
We were together for 5 months.
He has told me he isn't completely over me but it will take time. And we broke up we said if in the future when I am ready lets try again.
I think I have hurt the guy a lot. And I think he is on his rebound now (just over a month now). I have stop the emotional talk and communicate with him once in a while by sending him some links that may interest him or e.g..
Yes the guy knew about the rebound. He went back to his ex for a one night stand and felt terrible as well.
I think he is very disappointed I have reacted to him dating again. And made him crawl back a lot. Before I did this stupid action we were talking and e.g..
WAT IS HE THINKING?

N0help4u · Apr 12, 2008, 06:16 PM

That is the chance you take when you want to take a break from/or break up with somebody.
He met somebody new so it is better you don't bother with him. Let him know you are there for him if he ever breaks up with her and leave it go at that. For some reason he is stringing you along.

flatron · Apr 12, 2008, 06:22 PM

Yeah he kind of is.
First he said we need sometime for me to settle...
Now he wants time because he needs it.
I think he is NOW realizing it isn't so easy for him, either.
I think they will break up, the new person is the same race as me similar hairstyle, good humored like me. It seems like a rebound. I guess I am scared that there is no longer any chance and me not contacting him... will make him forget me.
Its been over a month since I have seen him and few weeks since I have actually heard his voice. I miss him too much to keep myself from contacting him, I been wanting to text him last few days and been stopping myself.
I had broken up with him before only to ask him back after a day. This could a good reason for him not wanting to get back with him
Who wants to try 3times.

ChrisStryfe · Apr 12, 2008, 10:08 PM

When you broke up with him, I'm telling you right now you hurt the guy. He doesn't want to get together anymore and his actions and words speaks out clearly. You took a risk and you broke his heart... for what reason... in which only you know. Was he willing to wait. Was the break up mutual. It doesn't seem like it is. He is mending his heart, let him be cause he needs it. You need it as well.

You have to accept the consequences of your actions. You knew very well when you broke up with him that there is a possibility that he will move on from you. You broke up with him once... twice... even. Even if you guys get together... these break ups you did... is going to be stuck with him... what can you do to show him that this will never happen again?

He most likely got hurt. It's not that he is being selfish and is trying to hurt you purposely. He's protecting himself from getting hurt again.

Like posted above, I'm sorry for your lost. You took the risk and you need to face its consequences. Let this be a lesson to you for future relationships you may have and learn from mistakes and become a better person as a whole.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 12, 2008, 10:32 PM

I think it is stop contacting him. Get over it and move on. You are the one that broke it off, along with other decisions. Can not blame the guy.

flatron · Apr 12, 2008, 10:43 PM

Yeah definitely it's a lesson I need to learn.
We broke up in good terms. I told him I am not ready for him and I do still like him very much. I know he isn't trying to hurt me or anything. He is genuinely a nice guy.
I have learnt I the rational reasons for which I have broke up with him was silly and should have listened to my emotions. It was a mutual break up. I brought it up and he agreed. It really was a nice break up. Chatting to each other straight after and on. Until I got angry with him for moving on. And I realized there maybe no future for us. Stupidly this only hit me than. Yes I have to face the consequences but he never said we can never be together again. He just said he didn't know.
I don't blame the guy. I don't think he didn't anything wrong. I just want the guy back.

talaniman · Apr 13, 2008, 06:08 AM

I just want the guy back.

He doesn't want to come back though.

COOKIE MONSTER · Apr 13, 2008, 06:10 AM

She's not on the same planet as us I don't think

She can't get the hint that he doesn't want her I wish he would just bloody tell her and put her out her misery

Marriedguy · Apr 13, 2008, 07:17 AM

Lol.. this is the reason I rarely revisit a post. I advise and move on if the post chooses to follow the advise is beyond me. I get the feeling some people already make the bad decision and they just want someone to reinforce it.

N0help4u · Apr 13, 2008, 07:30 AM

Kevin_s agrees: I think this is good for the beginning, but she doesn't need to put the work in for him to know she is going to be there for him. He needs to be the one to want that, not her.

She doesn't need to and should not put any work in. Just a simple last sentence so he knows she is doing NC on good terms.

flatron · Apr 13, 2008, 04:22 PM

Nc?
Hmm advises are getting kind of attacking. Thank you cookie monster for your time but I don't really want to hear from you.
I can get hints when someone doesn't want me. The situation is little different. We did talk about getting back together in the future. We remained friends. And even after the breakup all he has done is trying to make things easy for me.

What I want at the moment isn't a relationship with him. I am trying to become friends with him. He is in a relationship and I need to respect that.
Like I said we were friends straight after for a month or so until he started dating again. I just want to go back to then. For now.

COOKIE MONSTER · Apr 13, 2008, 04:26 PM

Nc means no contact

N0help4u · Apr 13, 2008, 04:30 PM

She says they are getting back together.
She thinks we are attacking her with no contact.
Wonder how serious he is about getting back together since she says they now are getting back together.

flatron · Apr 13, 2008, 04:34 PM

Actually I appreciated your comment N0help4u.
And no we aren't getting back together now.
And yes, I told him I need time to think about what he said and will back to him when I am ready. My last few contacts were:
1) few questions that I wanted him to think about, for his benefits.
2) a link that he would be interested in.

My plan is to not contact for a month or so. And see how things have changed.