[NRA_Bear]

Hello all, first time poster here, so I apologize if I break any of the rules :confused: . My fiancée and I met about 3 years ago and started dating 1.5 years ago. After 4 months we were engaged and had planned to get married in Summer 2007 (I want to finish college). After a year of being together, I got an apartment by myself so she could be with me without the interruption of roommates. Since then, she has been steadily home-building and bringing her books, family heirlooms, and personal items in. She still lives with her parents though. With the both of us going to school and working, we only see each other once every one or two weeks. I admit that is no where near as often as I want to see her, but it's tough trying to balance everything. Well, Thursday she came over and told me that she wasn't sure if she was in love with me or just the thought of us and told me she needed some space. She also said that she hasn't had fun with me when we go out in a long time. She swore that she would be back and that we might be able to work things out. She also swore that she would call me Friday. Here it is, Sunday and no phone call. When she left Thursday, she kissed me and told me she loves me. I just don't know what to make of this situation?? We've never had a fight and, although I knew we were both under a lot of strain, we've always held hands and hugged and been on great terms. I've been pretty stupid in that I called her and left a message and sent a couple text messages, with no response. I don't want to give up on us, but I don't know what to do right now. She has always told me that I better never let her leave me, which leaves me torn between that and giving her the space she wants. I am no where near ready to give up on us, even if it requires couples therapy. She is a wonderful girl and we have always talked about having kids and I know there would be no better mother for my future kids. What exactly does needing space mean? She told me that she was NOT breaking up with me. She also told me that she doesn't want to see other people. She just said she needs some (name) time. I am falling apart without her. I haven't eaten in 3 days and have lost 10lbs. I had to cover all of her stuff with blankets and turn all the pictures of us face down to make it easier to not talk to her. What do I do?? We have already made so many plans for the future...

Thank y'all!

I just bought her a Vermont Teddy Bear and dozen long-stem roses for Valentine's Day. I truly hope they make it easier for her to come back to me?

[fredg]

Hi, NRA,
I am 64, married 29 yrs to a wonderful woman. Many years ago, while in college, my "first real love" went to a different college. We had talked about marriage after college, and had been going together for a couple of years while in high school.
After the first year of college, I got a "dear John" letter from her, saying she was "in love". Funny thing, I thought she was in love with me!
It took me a year to get over it, and to this day, 44 years later, I still remember her, all the good times we had together, and will never forget her.
It happens.
Hopefully, your girl will come back to you. But, she may not. Life is really strange sometimes, especially in the area of relationships with others. She may have just simply "fallen out of love". It does happen.
I know it sounds crazy, but talking with others will help. Talk with a girl(s) that you know, and try to move on. If she wants to come back to you, she will eventually. After a couple of months, if you don't hear from her, then be ready to try accepting the fact that it's over. I do wish you the very best of luck. No amount of cards, flowers, emails, phone calls, will get her back, if she is ready to move on.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yep, I have the same story as Fredg does.

I even called her parents Mom and Dad, everyone just knew we were going to be married when we finished school. We even went to the same school, but my major was social work and hers was ( something else, I don't remember anymore) So we got were we only saw each other during the day once or twice in passing, and evenings did not always work out.
Soon there was other "excieting" people you would meet and start to know.

So I ended up hurting and still 30 plus years latter get a tear when I think about it all. It took me a long time to snap back and get over it.

It sounds, and just a guess, that she started making a "home" with you, which is not excieting and all of a sudden she got afraid of getting married and life changing. She may come back and she may not, it is her choice.

[lost??]

First off... you need to take care of yourself... eat something you don't have anything if you don't have your health. Second, trust me its not the end of the world. Its going to suck for a while but everyone makes it through. Third, I know exactly how you feel cause my girlfriend of 2 years did the whole break thing too a little over 2 months ago. My advice, which is pretty much the same as everyone else is going to give you, is to not contact her at all. Let her come to you. She asked for this space for a reason and by contacting her she's not getting it. Don't do what I did... I called for a month after it happened asking why and trying to get back together... it'll push her even further away. I really haven't contacted her for the last month and yea it sucks but its somthin we have to go through to make it to the other side. I'm not saying give up all hope... it did just happen. Wait for as long as you think right before moving on. Don't wait too long though because you will only make it harder on yourself. Focus on yourself and how you can make you better, go out with your friends and have a good time. Its not the end of the world believe me

[phillysteakandcheese]

It sounds like you might be a very clingy boyfriend. It's only been three days and you're already falling apart? She might really need to get out from under your shadow!

For your own sake, you have to understand that she is one important part of your world, but not your whole entire world. Either you trust her, or you have to end the relationship.

Maybe she's moving in another direction, and it doesn't include you. If that is the case, you'll be sad – but you'll continue on your way to becoming successful in life and some other lucky girl will get to be with you.

Maybe she just needs to think things through and she'll be back. If she does come back to you, I would resolve to make sure she never feels bored again! Be a leader and take her on an adventure! She'll remember those fun things in the spaces when you're apart.

[talaniman]

Do you ever look back and take an honest look at your behavior that has in some way pushed this girl from you.Sometimes us guys are the last to notice when a woman has something on her mind and seems to mysteriously change and we can't figure it out.Maybe you moved to fast or suffocated her with your own ideas of the future or it could be anything.If your reaction to her taking a break is to stop eating and falling in to a pot of self-pity do you ever need to rethink things.Here's where it get complicated, even though she left some things at your place she hasn't tried to contact you or returned any of your calls or texts,and I understand the need to wait for her a bit hoping she'll call,but it would be a really bad idea to mope around by the phone hoping that next ring is hers.I think it is very important for you to get a grip back on your life and go on from here.Put her stuff in a box and go to work and school and spend some time with your chums doing the things young single guys do.And when your tired of waiting for her to do whatever then you'll return her things and be ready for whatever life has for you.Back in the day when a g/f told me she needed a break it was time for me to ride off into the sunset and don't look back!Trust me females will come and go but the one who is mean't for you will NOT need a break.:cool:

[NRA_Bear]

Well, I finally got a straight answer about why she had to take the break. A couple of Saturday's ago, we both went out and got drunk. When we got back here, things went a lot farther then either of us wanted it to before we got married. Although we didn't have sex, she thinks that I tried because she claims that I thought she was passed out. Although I admit that the alcohol helped me shrug off my inhibitions, I intentionally stopped before it went that far, but she doesn't understand that. She still hasn't talked to me other then sending me one e-mail with that in it after I sent her Valentine's stuff. I was never a clingy or suffocating boyfriend. She was always the one pushing me to make wedding plans and I always thought she was the one that loved more in the relationship. So, now she's sitting at home angry at me because she thinks I tried to take advantage of her and she won't let me explain that this is not the case. I respect her way too much to try anything of the sort and it's a really important step for me too. She has told her friend that she still cares about me and loves me and doesn't want to throw it all away, but she still refuses to call me after 2 weeks. I'm not exactly sure where to go from here... Thanks for all the advice!!

[fredg]

Hi, NRA,
Anything that happened between you two while you were drunk doesn't count! Alcohol and relationships don't mean much. If you were both drunk, then I would completely "wipe out" that from your memory, and just consider it didn't happen.
She is sitting at home angry? This does sound like an "excuse" for not talking further with you. She got drunk, and that is the only way she wanted to see you again. I would start meeting new people, try to move on with your life.
Eventually, if you two are to be together, it will happen, but not now. It might be months before it happens, if at all.
I do wish you the best, and believe me, I know that "love hurts" sometimes... happened to me also.

[HPig]

About the drunk thing... unless she WAS passed out, she is equally responsible for what happened. I don't care about social stereotypes of what girls do and what boys do. Both sexes want to have sex, and when you add liquor to a situation, things get out of control, and its not fully the guys fault. If she didn't want what happened more than you didn't want it, she would have stopped it, or she just wouldn't have come over in the first place. You need to tell her that you were BOTH wrong, and that no one was forcing anything, it just got a little out of control. Both members need to take responsibility.

But about the break. Its healthy to take breaks after a while. Just give her all the space she wants and see if she comes back to you. When big life chances are going on (you getting out of school, a wedding in the nearer future, or other things) its natural to wonder if you are in a relationship for the right reasons. The plans to get married are coming up really soon, and it might be hitting her. Most girls make these plans to get married and think of the ideal situation, but when it comes time to actually get married they realize that it isn't a faerie tale any more, and that there are serious complications and consequences of your decisions. It's a lot better to worry about this now and take some time alone before anything gets too serious. If she didn't want the break to think things over, you could get married, and hate each other after a few years because she just never had the time to herself.

There are two major types of breaks. The first and most dangerous break is when one side is curious about other potential dates. This usually comes about because the person who wants the break is too afraid to dump their current boyfriend/girlfriend and wants to make sure that they will have a back up, or because they aren't committed enough to that person. Either way, the relationship isn't good enough as it is and very few things can bring it back together. What you are talking about is COMPLETELY different. When things get hectic in your life, you need some time to think things through. Unlike the movies, major life plans don't just happen naturally. They take a lot of thought and effort to push them through. Take this example. You have been working at a company you love, and you have always wanted to get a big life changing promotion. But when it happens, they tell you that you need to move thousands of miles away from your home in order to take it up. Even if everything falls into place (you have the money, your family is OK with the move, you have a place you like picked out and you get a lot of good benefits) you still need to decide if YOU are ready to make that move. A serious relationship with the potential of getting married is no different. You said that you guys haven't even had sex yet. While that's just fine, it is so much harder to get married when you want your only sexual partner to be who you are married to... after you are married. You have to decide if this person is right for the rest of your life. You can't just get married, enjoy all the thrills and benefits of being married for a few years until you decide to move on. Everything needs to be right, and you need to make sure that you want this because you love the person, not because your hormones are going wild, your biological clock is ringing, the money is good, or anything else. You need to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you LOVE this person with all your heart and that's the only reason why you want to go through with something like this. It sounds bad to think that she might not know, but after years of knowing each other its really hard to know if you love someone or you love the idea of them. The only way to figure it out is to take time away from each other and see how you feel without their influence. By talking to her and getting drunk with her, the only thing you are doing is making the time it takes to figure it all out longer. She needs time without you in any way, so you really should start eating again and get a hobby. It's a big step, it will take a long time.

[talaniman]

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