[Questions2007]

I keep on the path of NC but then in recent weeks I keep being drawn to breaking it!

Firstly, I became an Uncle 4 weeks ago. I thought about texting my ex to tell her the news but decided not too. She knew before I commenced NC (which I told her I was doing nearly 8 months ago) that was on the cards. I decided that if she wanted to find out, she could.

Secondly, it was her birthday nearly a week ago. I thought about messaging, but decided not too. Again, not a reason to break NC!

I have now found out (from a mutual friend who knows her brother) that her sister has just had a baby. She obviously found out about this pregnancy not long after I started NC, so I didn't know about it.

I am now debating whether to just send a non committal congratulatory text.

I honestly think I am passed the stage of sending a text like that with any expectation. Although the reality is that if I do text, it will lead to a "how are you" etc etc conversation. We may then meet up, she may try and run the lets stay friends line (which I said no to 8 months ago 4 months after she dumped me - it wasn't working!) who knows!

I always thought that I should try and be a nice person, so am debating this congratulatory text.

Any thoughts? Should I message? Does she deserve it? I am very unsure what to do after months of sticking to NC!

[Smoked]

What are the circumstances in which you both agreed to have no contact? Is this in the hopes of giving one another time for reconciliation? Or, is this "please do not ever talk to me again" type of thing?

[nickshehe]

I also find myself with things that I wouldve mentioned to my ex and we wouldve had a good laugh or a deep conversation over but when its over it should be over.. It's up to you whether to message but first you have to ask yourself if you have any feelings for her that would lead you to wanting a relationship again.. There are several threads circling around that mention becoming friends with an ex.. It's possible but you should have your feelings sorted first.. If you're going to text her and you both start talking and you start feeling the need to progress with things and get back together - then don't text her, maintain NC and continue with life, it'll be better for you in the long run..
If you can honestly tell yourself that you're fine with being friends, it wouldn't hurt you the least bit if she said she's seeing someone now or something along the lines of that.. and you genuinely want to be friends with her - then its your call..
But I'm sensing that this isn't the case.
It's also your call to decide if she deserves your friendship.. I feel my ex doesn't, so even though I love her I'm not allowing myself to contact her again unless I'm sure I've climbed down that hill I put myself on - for good.

[Questions2007]

What are the circumstances in which you both agreed to have no contact? Is this in the hopes of giving one another time for reconciliation? Or, is this "please do not ever talk to me again" type of thing?

We broke up just over a year ago. She ran the lets stay friends line, I was unsure but agreed to the request. 2 or 3 months later it became clear it wasn't working on that basis. She was treating me as a surrogate (though we weren't sleeping together) she was inviting me for dinner, getting our old holiday pics out, wanting to watch romantic films etc. I thought it was right for us to try again, she said no. I commenced NC, told her I was doing it, and said it was better we weren't in touch unless she wanted to contact me to chat about us. I made clear friendship wouldn't work. Neither of us has contacted the other since.

[Questions2007]

I also find myself with things that I wouldve mentioned to my ex and we wouldve had a good laugh or a deep conversation over but when its over it should be over..It's up to you whether or not to message but first you have to ask yourself if you have any feelings for her that would lead you to wanting a relationship again..There are several threads circling around that mention becoming friends with an ex..It's possible but you should have your feelings sorted first..If you're going to text her and you both start talking and you start feeling the need to progress with things and get back together - then don't text her, maintain NC and continue with life, it'll be better for you in the long run..
If you can honestly tell yourself that you're fine with being friends, it wouldn't hurt you the least bit if she said she's seeing someone now or something along the lines of that..and you genuinely want to be friends with her - then its your call..
But im sensing that this isn't the case.
It's also your call to decide if she deserves your friendship..I feel my ex doesn't, so even though I love her I'm not allowing myself to contact her again unless I'm sure I've climbed down that hill I put myself on - for good.

I don't think I could be friends with her. I have made that clear in the past. If I contacted it would be as her ex to tell her my news and congratulate her on her news.

[nickshehe]

Sorry to be so raw but when it's over it's over then..
She chose to remove you from her life for whatever reason, and she hasn't contacted you yet even though I'm sure she would have found reason too if she was still interest in you..
I know it's harsh and it sucks but there's nothing you can do about it.. If you contact her - she will assume that you want to be friends and that will cause confusion on your part and you would have taken one huge step backwards..
Let it be.
Haven't you met any other girls you are keen on?

[samesame]

Stick to no contact. I'm sure she has plenty of reasons to contact you as well, but she is not for a reason. If she broke up with you, just back off. There needs to be an end. Realize that there will always be reasons for you to contact her as long as you're looking for them. From what I can see, you're still hung up on her, so you should let it go. If you don't, get ready to rip opened the wounds again.

[ISneezeFunny]

I understand what you mean in the sense that you continue to want to send a "simple" HELLO, CONGRATS... but as I said before, what will this accomplish? What are you expecting from this? If she responds, what do you expect her to say.. If she doesn't respond, will you be a bit disappointed?

My ex did contact me on my birthday, but I ignored it. She did send me e-mails, but again, I ignored them... why? Because my way of doing NC is treating her as if she's a stranger to me... of course, if I run into her on campus, I'll smile and say a quick hi before walking away, but that's simply so that I don't come off as being rude.

In your case, I feel that I wouldn't contact her... as it will prove nothing and it will produce nothing. If you run into her on the street and she decides to tell you of this, then of course, by all means, tell her congrats. Unless she's in the hospital (hopefully she won't be... ) or something more urgent comes up, then shy away.

[Questions2007]

Sorry to be so raw but when it's over it's over then..
She chose to remove you from her life for whatever reason, and she hasn't contacted you yet even though I'm sure she would have found reason too if she was still interest in you..
I know it's harsh and it sucks but theres nothing you can do about it..If you contact her - she will assume that you want to be friends and that will cause confusion on your part and you would have taken one huge step backwards..
Let it be.
Haven't you met any other girls you are keen on?

I think that may be right. When she split, she was adamant on the "lets stay friends" line. I was very unsure, but really said yes because I thought it may keep the door open and also because she had some problems that only I knew about and didn't want to leave her on her own to deal with.

To be fair, it was me who imposed the NC. She didn't want to do it, but only wanted to stay friends. I said to her that we weren't acting like friends, it was like when we were together, she disagreed but then said she understood why "we had to say goodbye".

So I think she may welcome contact from me, but might assume I was ready to be friends, when I am not and am not sure I ever will be!

In answer to your second question, I have met loads of women! But none who I connect with in the same way.

[confused25]

I know it's harsh and it sucks but theres nothing you can do about it..If you contact her - she will assume that you want to be friends and that will cause confusion on your part and you would have taken one huge step backwards..

I think this says it all. Once you break No Contact she may very well think that you are ready to be friends, which will only hurt you more. I only suggest breaking No Contact if you just don't care what happens. I have a feeling that deep down you want to contact her because you are hoping it will rekindle the lost relationship. However, if this isn't the case, than contact her, but without the expectations.

[Questions2007]

I understand what you mean in the sense that you continue to want to send a "simple" HELLO, CONGRATS...but as I said before, what will this accomplish? What are you expecting from this? If she responds, what do you expect her to say...? If she doesn't respond, will you be a bit disappointed?

My ex did contact me on my birthday, but I ignored it. She did send me e-mails, but again, I ignored them...why? Because my way of doing NC is treating her as if she's a stranger to me...of course, if I run into her on campus, I'll smile and say a quick hi before walking away, but that's simply so that I don't come off as being rude.

In your case, I feel that I wouldn't contact her...as it will prove nothing and it will produce nothing. If you run into her on the street and she decides to tell you of this, then of course, by all means, tell her congrats. Unless she's in the hospital (hopefully she won't be...) or something more urgent comes up, then shy away.

To be honest, I know her well enough to know what she will say. She will appreciate the contact, and likely want to meet up. But I will then have to be very patient at finding out if she is interested in being together again, and may be rejected anyway!

[ISneezeFunny]

Yikes. Are you ready for that.. If she hasn't contacted you in 8 months, chances are... she's moved on... don't you think?

... my question to you is... why haven't you?

[Smoked]

We broke up just over a year ago. She ran the lets stay friends line, I was unsure but agreed to the request. 2 or 3 mths later it became clear it wasn't working on that basis. She was treating me as a surrogate (though we weren't sleeping together) she was inviting me for dinner, getting our old holiday pics out, wanting to watch romantic films etc. I thought it was right for us to try again, she said no. I commenced NC, told her I was doing it, and said it was better we weren't in touch unless she wanted to contact me to chat about us. I made clear friendship wouldn't work. Neither of us has contacted the other since.

Then starting to talk to her again under any circumstances would be a huge step in the wrong direction at this point. I would advise not to call her. If she reaches out to you then so be it. You took the hard and strong path by cutting the cord, so stick with it.

[Questions2007]

yikes. are you ready for that...? If she hasn't contacted you in 8 months, chances are...she's moved on...don't you think?

...my question to you is...why haven't you?

I have in many respects. Prior to exes events happening I had no intention of contacting her! I just am wondering if now is the time to see what is what but more importantly to show her I did the NC 8 months ago because we needed a bit of space from each other not because I hated her or anything like that!

[Questions2007]

Then starting to talk to her again under any circumstances would be a huge step in the wrong direction at this point. I would advise not to call her. If she reaches out to you then so be it. You took the hard and strong path by cutting the cord, so stick with it.

It was quite hard at the time but I did it because it wasn't right the way things were. She was a bit upset and said she didn't want to lose my friendship. I said that the way she was acting wasn't right. She was treating me like her boyfriend, chatting about her problems etc, and that wasn't fair if we weren't going to be together. Although I am glad I did it I perhaps see in hindsight I pushed her too much and should have let things naturally fall into place but there you go!

[Smoked]

It was quite hard at the time but I did it because it wasn't right the way things were. She was a bit upset and said she didn't want to lose my friendship. I said that the way she was acting wasn't right. She was treating me like her boyfriend, chatting about her problems etc, and that wasn't fair if we weren't going to be together. Although I am glad I did it I perhaps see in hindsight I pushed her too much and should have let things naturally fall into place but there you go!

Woman and men will play this game if the opposite in the relationship will let them. You took a strong position by defining your feelings and relationship. Losing the friendship may not be permanent, but your stand will define any future dealings. Stand strong. If you buckle now you will be back in the same position and will have to start all over. Or worse yet, you will submit to her treating you like a boyfriend with no commitment.

[nickshehe]

No - you did the right thing.. Do not regret it.. My ex keeps messaging me, she broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and at first I was keen to stay friends but I knew I was kidding myself.. I don't consider myself an a**hole for not replying to her messages now.. Much like your ex, she removed me from her life..
If you're still considering getting back with her then you should slap yourself in the face and tell yourself "NO, I'm going to be selfish about this".. If you feel something then you can't even allow her your friendship.. Who cares if she thinks you're a bad guy? Did she care when she dropped you like a rotten apple after all the time you were together? Did she call you during those 8 months when you were fighting tooth and nail to get over her while she was out "Exploring new things" - NO.
Respect yourself, you deserve better.

[Questions2007]

No - you did the right thing..Do not regret it..My ex keeps messaging me, she broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and at first I was keen to stay friends but I knew I was kidding myself..I don't consider myself an a**hole for not replying to her messages now..Much like your ex, she removed me from her life..
If you're still considering getting back with her then you should slap yourself in the face and tell yourself "NO, I'm going to be selfish about this"..If you feel something then you can't even allow her your friendship..Who cares if she thinks you're a bad guy? Did she care when she dropped you like a rotten apple after all the time you were together? Did she call you during those 8 months when you were fighting tooth and nail to get over her while she was out "Exploring new things" - NO.
Respect yourself, you deserve better.

Well put. I am starting to think that if I go back to her, then that says she can have me in whatever capacity she wants including friendship or if we get back together againt to be dropped. I have taken the power back by ending our contact.

[talaniman]

I always thought that I should try and be a nice person, so am debating this congratulatory text.

Yeah, right, nice try AGAIN! This is an excuse. We both know that. You hope this gives you a chance to snoop out her feelings to see if she is ready for what you want.

I have taken the power back by ending our contact.

You'll be glad you kept it that way.:)

[Allheart]

Questions -

If you had a cold, somehow you would be able to turn that into a justifyable reason to break NC.

The NC is for you to heal, not to show her anything. "She" she becoming less and less of your thoughts, and she's not is she. One thing happens, and your heart and mind is trying to convince you, "Yup, absolutely, this is "outside" the NC reasonsing. When we both know, it's not.

NC is for you and amazing congratulations on being strong enough to keep it, especially on her birthday. Now take the next NC step and do it for you, and you alone.

It is hurtful, painful and trust me, we all had our hands on that phone, just dying to pick it up, some of us did, and completely delayed our healing, and some didn't.

Try and subsitute thoughts of her, with at least one thing about you, that has nothing to do with her.

Hang in there... you're doing good... but do better for yourself!!