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Dr Watson · Apr 2, 2008, 09:28 AM

We are NOT broke up and are about to go on our 1st date. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I am really nervous. I am starting a new question thread because my situation has changed so dramatically, I thought it was warranted.

For those that are not familiar with my situation, my girlfriend asked for break 6 weeks ago and out of the blue, on the day I had planned to say good luck and good bye, she (we) stopped the "break" and spent the evening together making a date for this weekend to see a movie. In the last 3 days I have talked to her twice (which is REALLY weird after all of that NC) and confirmed our "1st date" this morning.

NOW WHAT DO I DO?

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 09:44 AM

Ah man, good luck. I have no helpful advice to give. However I'd like to comment on how complicated they make things. Its really freaking frustrating. My 2wk NC just ended with
Her call and now I'm in uneasy ground. How do you/I act? I'll leave that up to the experts.
It just really sucks I thing either way. Might as well be yourself, but play it cool and relax, avoid talks about the future, just have fun and enjoy each other's companys. Steer cleer of talk of future, and defining status of relationship.

Please don't take what I say as sound advice, I have my own thread here asking for advice. Lol

Dr Watson · Apr 2, 2008, 10:00 AM

Thank you... sometimes advising or teaching is the best way to learn. I agree, that evening we spent together, there was no talk of anything in the future or defining relationships, just enjoying each other's company and listening to music... that is probably what got me this far. She did make a point (more than once) to let me know she hadn't been dating or "playing the scene", rather working and trying to sort things out.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 10:02 AM

That sounds really promising, good luck to you. I know its extremely hard (for me) to let thing go and just relax. Kudos for at least accomplishing it one night!

Dr Watson · Apr 2, 2008, 10:11 AM

It was pure instinct... I was in shock. I will read your thread if I can find it, good luck to you too. I do know that with talaniman's advice and NC... I did get some self respect back to a degree... so don't give up on NC. It is empowering to say the least. Even if things go south this week, I feel I am much better prepared than before to handle it, maybe that's how I pulled it off that night, who knows. Survival instinct more likely.

nickshehe · Apr 2, 2008, 10:27 AM

I agree with Breake in that you should avoid future talks, but also past talks..
Not many of us are given a second chance so you should start fresh.. Don't dive into things and take them slow and see where it takes you.. Don't be extra nice to try and win her back and don't be too paranoid that she might snap again or whatever.. Be cautious but easy going at the same time.. Let her settle in the drivers seat and go with it.. but always think of yourself first, if you're riding high on hope and you fall again it could be more damaging than the first time.
Good luck to you

Romefalls19 · Apr 2, 2008, 11:17 AM

Take things very casual, be prepared for anything and everything. I truly do hope everything works out for you. But PLEASE remember.. Do not avoid the past problems that led to a break or break up before as it will only happen again. Talk about them openly before they resurface

I'm routing for you buddy

Dr Watson · Apr 2, 2008, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Take things very casual, be prepared for anything and everything. I truly do hope everything works out for you. But PLEASE remember..Do not avoid the past problems that led to a break or break up before as it will only happen again. Talk about them openly before they resurface

I'm routing for ya buddy

Thanks Rome!

talaniman · Apr 2, 2008, 10:37 PM

Hi Doc, let get one thing real clear, I'm on your side and want you to be happy and healthy. I see a lot of heartbreak, and would love to see a happy ending. Having said that, honestly, I think you give her way too much control for an equal relationship. A healthy relationship is one of two partners working together. Remember that, as her feelings count, but so do yours. You don't have to settle or be disrespected, to get the love you deserve. Just have fun dude, Good Luck!

Dr Watson · Apr 3, 2008, 05:42 AM

I know you are on my side Talaniman and I know you are concerned in her about face. I am too. I am delighted and wary at the same time. Moving out last weekend was emotional for both of us. Bottom line is she missed me and that is a good thing.

I have learned a lesson or to the last month and a half. One of them is that my health and happiness depends on me not her. That being said I do love her. Enough to let her go if need be. I've learned about enmeshment and letting go. I learned that our relationship was NOT a healthy one when she called for a break. L learned that she really does love me, no matter what happens from this point forward and that is important to me.

I listen to you Talaniman, it is good to know you are with me in this. And I am listening to you now. I am not making anything more of this than it is and I think I'll just go have some fun, enjoy her company and leave it at that for now. I've gained some self love and respect lately and am not about to let it go now.

K_3 · Apr 3, 2008, 06:13 AM

I have not read your other thread, but you sound like you are in control of yourself. Often in a relationship one looses oneself and becomes too dependent on the other person. I take it that is what happened. Often a breakup comes as the other person begins to feel suffocated (possibly not knowing why). The break can be a good thing, because then you sit back and find yourself again. You have become yourself again. The person she fell for in the beginning. My advice is stay your own person and, do not become dependent on her to make you whole or happy. Just be. Enjoy the date with her in the moment. Do not waste the evening thinking of the past or future. Enjoy the date. Stay the person she sees as strong and independent. She will love you as she has. You will be fine no matter what happens. If things do not work out, remember you had a life before you ever met her and survived.

Dr Watson · Apr 3, 2008, 06:18 AM

Originally Posted by K_3

I have not read your other thread, but you sound like you are in control of yourself. Often in a relationship one looses oneself and becomes too dependent on the other person. I take it that is what happened. Often a breakup comes as the other person begins to feel suffocated (possibly not knowing why). The break can be a good thing, because then you sit back and find yourself again. You have become yourself again. The person she fell for in the beginning. My advice is stay your own person and, do not become dependent on her to make you whole or happy. Just be. Enjoy the date with her in the moment. Do not waste the evening thinking of the past or future. Enjoy the date. Stay the person she sees as strong and independent. She will love you as she has. You will be fine no matter what happens. If things do not work out, remember you had a life before you ever met her and survived.

You hit the nail on the head! Thanks...

Dr Watson · Apr 7, 2008, 07:05 AM

Well, she cancelled. I confronted her about it and she said the movie date was a "maybe"...
She also reiterated that with her job and family obligations she doesn't have time for a relationship... and finally she said let's just let it lie and if it is meant to be it will be.

And, so, I can at last close the book on this romance and set it down. She is a great girl and I am going to miss her, but she will be happier in the end... as will I. As Talaniman pointed out, I was giving well beyond what I was getting back from this relationship.

As I pointed out in an earlier post, I am much better equipped to handle this now and though there is some sadness it is manageable. I have long wanted to move back to my old neighborhood... to be closer to friends and family, my support group. Well, this last week I made an offer on a home and it has been accepted. I just couldn't be any happier about that... I will be moving in a couple of weeks so it will keep me busy! Just going to stick with my healthier diet and gym work, maybe work on my golf game a little this summer once I get settled.

My heart is broken, but life goes on. For all of us. Thanks for all the support through this.