Check out some similar questions!

Breake · Apr 1, 2008, 03:09 PM

This is a long story, so here it goes.

Background Info on me:
I have been in a long relationship (1 year 7 Months.) It was a bad relationship for me for many reasons, I stuck around way longer than I should. I was looking for a way out for a very long time. My way out came along when I knew I was going to be at an event with a girl I wanted to get with. For clarity we will call the new girl "HER".

Knowing I was going to be at an event later in the day with "HER" I broke up with my long term girlfriend that the morning of the event. Later in the day I asked "HER" out for the following weekend. She replied with an enthusiastic "Yes I'd like that".

Fast forward, we talked a few times during the next week leading up to the date.

We ended up spending going on 4 dates back to back and in one instance I spend the whole day and most of the night with "HER". Things were great. We both acknowledged how great things where. We went out with groups of people and we were always in our "Own little world"

Background info on "HER"

She just got out of long term relationship(1 yr) - with in the last month. She just ended talking with him after I asked her out. She is a very intelligent and logical person.

Things progressed and date #4 didn't end really, she stayed over, we held each other and talked till 5am and eventually feel asleep. We shared really personal things that we haven't shared with anyone ever before. It was great. We woke up the next morning and things got physical. We went all the way. I had to hurry to work afterwards I was late. She stayed and slept and picked up lunch for me. I met her at my house, I ate and we took a nap together. Things were great. She went home, I went back to work.

Which brings us to why I'm posting here now.

Enter the we need to slow down talks.

School is very important to her, she is a freshman. She is very goal oriented in school and she doesn't want to loose sight of those goals because of a relationship. I thought about this some and told her that I would support and help her achieve her goals anyway I could. I assured her that she could still be herself and be with me. I didn't want to change her because I like who she was.
Long story short,
She says she isn't ready for the serious relationship that she thinks we will be. She doesn't want us to be each others rebound. She wants us both to have time to get over our past relationships. She says she is more sure than anything that there is a future for us. She just wants the timing to be right. She asked me to give her two weeks with no contact. Then just be friends and talk for a few months (coincidentally in roughly that same time she will be home for the summer which is only a 15 minutes from me) instead of the hours away now.

Which I gave her, and she called me back in exactly two weeks. We spoke for about ten minutes, mainly me talking about what I've been doing. I made her laugh real good a few times so I think it was a positive talk. We did not speak of anything serious.

Which brings me to my questions.

I want to be sure she still wants to get with me.

I don't want to spend months talking to her still "hung up on her" if she has already ruled out a relationship with me.

I really want to be with her, I really like her(im fighting using the word love), and we connect on a level I've never felt before. I can see myself marring HER easily. We enjoy and excel in the same interests and yet we both have individual talents that keep us being our own persons.

We haven't spoken since she called two days ago. I don't know if I should call her or not. She is the one that asked me to ask her to make us exclusive. She is also the one that broke it off for all the reasons listed above.

I'm fighting calling her and asking her if she still cares for me, I'm scared of hurting myself more over her. Should I use her calling me back in exactly two weeks as confirmation of her still caring for me? My mind says Yes. My OCD says who knows and that I should ask her to define her feelings for me. I know she wants space so asking her will be pushing her. And I think she wants to feel in control of the tempo of the relationship. I'll gladly wait for her I just want to be sure she has more than just friends in mind for us.

So anyway I don't know what to do. I know the smart thing to do would be play it cool. Keep my confidence, cause I know we have what it takes to have a great relationship. But I think I'm OCD by nature and I am the world's worst at just letting things be and giving time. It's a constant fight everyday, to control that as she is all I think about. I know what I want and she (HER) is it.

What do I do? Should I call her back at the end of the week if she doesn't call? Or just wait for her to call regardless. An important note: when we were defining the terms of said "no contact" I told her I would wait for her I just wanted to know that she wanted me to. She would not admit to wanting me to wait, and said I could do whatever I wanted but she wasn't looking for anyone. That statement worries me.

AS time goes on I'll try to make this post more coherent for the readers. Thanks in advance for reading my pathetic tale of rejection!

talaniman · Apr 1, 2008, 06:30 PM

she will be home for the summer which is only a 15 minutes from me) instead of the hours away now.

So this is a long distance relationship, and she realises that you two were just out of long term relationships, when you met?

Guest - Breake · Apr 1, 2008, 07:24 PM

She wasn't aware that I was just out of a relationship, and I didn't know about her getting out of the relationship either. But it was her idea for us to be exclusive. Then a few days later she ran into her ex, and I think that, coupled with being scared that things were moving so fast brought all this on. She told me a few days later, and when I inquired you was quick to affirm that there wasn't feelings for him anymore, but she did thing we should both have some time. And of course she was scared to get to serious so fast because she didn't want her heart broke again. My gut tells me that when we were together she felt just as strongly as I did. But I guess its not that simple for some.

statictable · Apr 1, 2008, 07:45 PM

You gave us a very clear view of how you feel and of your friends goal/s. As of now those facts remain unchanged. The future? No one can tell what awaits any 2 people in this situation but it'll probably change in many ways during the next 4 years. Are her parents university graduates? What kind of a car does she drive? Does she have pets? Is she an only child? I'll get back with more ideas. ST

Breake · Apr 1, 2008, 08:09 PM

So far she is holding to her word, I really want to believe her that she does think there is a future for us. I think I have to assume she is telling the truth. Its just so hard to act like everything isn't riding on this. But I really believe that neither her or I will be able to find another that have some much in common and so much to talk about, with all the chemistry. I think the best thing I can do is stay strong and be who I am.

talaniman · Apr 2, 2008, 05:57 AM

And make sure your living a healthy happy life that you enjoy, waiting on maybe's is not a way to live.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 06:19 AM

It is definitely making me short tempered and just generally upset or unhappy. I'm letting all of me hang in the balance when I shouldn't. Part of me says move on, but then what if she is one girl that isn't full of and she really just wanted to talk for few months and then get back together, and I go date someone else and screw it all up. I think if I wait on it, it really won't come. Maybe my only chance is to move on.

K_3 · Apr 2, 2008, 06:43 AM

If I am reading your post right, she wanted no contact for 2 weeks, then be friends for a while. Well, she called you in two weeks. What is your definition of friendship? Is it calling her once in a while to chat, go to coffee, movie. What? It sounds to me, you were willing to do no contact for 2 weeks, but now you want to go into the friendship mode with promises of more. I think that is what she wants to learn during the friendship period, does she want more.
The first few dates in a relationship are always wonderful, lots to say, new experiences, it is that "high" feeling one gets when first in love. The high lessons as time goes by. So many relationships start like that and one day you are going,"How do I get out of this"? (Like the one you just got out of) She is smart, if you are friends, and grow into a relationship, it will be solid and lasting.
Quit trying to outguess her. Just live in the now, quit worrying about the future, no one knows what will happen tomarrow. You may find someone else next week. Call her and start that friendship, go to coffee, help her study. Ask her what her definition of frienship is. Relax, all future questions cannot be answered today.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 07:03 AM

Originally Posted by K_3

I I think that is what she wants to learn during the friendship period, does she want more.

Quit trying to outguess her. Just live in the now, quit worrying about the future, no one knows what will happen tomarrow. You may find someone else next week. Call her and start that friendship, go to coffee, help her study. Ask her what her definition of frienship is. Relax, all future questions cannot be answered today.

I think you hit it right on the nose. Good call.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by K_3

It sounds to me, you were willing to do no contact for 2 weeks, but now you want to go into the friendship mode with promises of more. I think that is what she wants to learn during the friendship period, does she want more.

In my defense. I had no sex in that last year and 7 month relationship. The way things went with "HER" made me think this was the one (still do) The sex was her idea. I should have said no. But what the hell I'm a guy right. I was the fool that thought she felt the same I did. Like we thought each other were the "one." Now this is why I'm worried about the friend phase. How to you go from friend, to bf/gf, to lovers, and then back to friends. How do you relax? I guess I'm just not accustomed to screwing my friends. If I didn't have a conscious, that sounds like a great life. But I'm not wired that way.

K_3 · Apr 2, 2008, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by Breake

In my defense. I had no sex in that last year and 7 month relationship. The way things went with "HER" made me think this was the one (still do) The sex was her idea. I should have said no. But what the hell i'm a guy right. I was the fool that thought she felt the same I did. Like we thought each other were the "one." Now this is why im worried about the friend phase. How to you go from friend, to bf/gf, to lovers, and then back to friends. How do you relax? I guess I'm just not accustomed to screwing my friends. If I didn't have a conscious, that sounds like a great life. But i'm not wired that way.

You have a point, once you have sex, things do change, that is why it is important to wait a bit. But, you did it and nothing can change that. Try and forget it and move forward.
Too often in life we are living in the past, regretting, rehashing etc or living in the future, worried, fixing things that have not happened yet or may never happen. What is done is done, learn from it, what will happen will happen. It is OK to set goals and think ahead, do not live ahead. Understand? Do not miss out on this moment. Just relax, do not waste energy on what happened. Do as she asked if you like her, be a friend, see how that goes today. Do not center your life around whether she is going to love you forever or not. Enjoy your life, do not give another person power over you to the point of how your mood is or how happy you feel or what kind of a day you are having. That is your job. You have the power over yourself to make you happy. The rest follows.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 08:30 AM

Thanks again for your insight. I really appreciate the favor of reply. It's very helpful.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by K_3

Y Do not miss out on this moment. Just relax, do not waste energy on what happened. Do as she asked if you like her, be a friend, see how that goes today. Do not center your life around whether she is going to love you forever or not. Enjoy your life, do not give another person power over you to the point of how your mood is or how happy you feel or what kind of a day you are having. That is your job. You have the power over youself to make you happy. The rest follows.

I'm struggling with how far to move on and weither I should wait or not. How do I go about making that decision.

In one hand: She told me there is a future for us, she just wants to take it slow and not get into a serious relationship so fast. Scared etc. She told me she would call me when she was "ready." She called in exactly two weeks. This tells me I should wait. What defines waiting for someone? I know I should go out and have fun. But what if something happens with a new person? And that turns out being the only reason we don't get together again, because I didn't even like her enough to wait and be friends for a few months.

But wait (no pun intended) if we are just friends what should it matter right?

She made it clear to me that I didn't have to wait. And that I should do whatever I wanted, and that she just needed some time.
Some say that it wouldn't be in her nature to ask me to wait. But she would probably play close attention to see if I did wait or not and use that to judge if we should get back together.

For me, all she has to do is ask me to wait on her and I will wait as long as it takes. She is that special to me. ( as far as I know, I only spent a week with her, we were just so comfortable with each other)

This is one of the reasons I'm having trouble with this decision.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 12:22 PM

*Bump*, Anyone?

talaniman · Apr 2, 2008, 12:47 PM

There are no guarantees in life. You may sit and wait and she goes back to the ex. She may after a while be friends and that's it. She may click with you, and it fizzles 1 year, and seven months later. You may meet you future wife tonight. You just never know what happens so don't make promises that help her and not you. Trust me, no matter what others say about her, YOU still don't know her very well. Don't burn your bridges, but don't let your emotions make important decisions, without consulting with your brain. Putting all your eggs in one basket, at this point, not very well thought out, nor wise. Enjoy your life, and if she is what you think, you'll know, and act accordingly. For sure she ain't that now and that's a fact. That doesn't stop talking, and dating. Just not her exclusively, nor does it tie up your whole life, for the hope of a stranger.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 01:59 PM

Thanks again

JBeaucaire · Apr 2, 2008, 05:29 PM

Some side thoughts, most of which agree in spirit to what has already been said here.

Your OCD is really the issue here. You are already aware of the mistakes you made starting with her, and now all of the trouble is coming from the way you deal with information IN YOUR OWN head.

In short, you think too much.

If this served you, if it made you more successful and led to better decisions, that would be fine. But it does not appear to do so. So you already know, by your own admission, that your best course is to DO THE SMART things your calm mind tells you is right to do. That means identifying the thoughts you're having coming from your OCD nature and squelch them, or distract them, something OTHER than letting yourself act on them.

Worse, you could turn some of that compulsion into action between you and HER and screw it all up, accidentally. Wouldn't that be a shame?

Your OCD works against you in that one of the strengths guys usually exercise is the laid back ability to let things take their course. You don't seem to be able to do that.

The sex didn't help, either. Yes, you totally enjoyed it, and it cost you dearly. Now your hormones have added intensity to your attraction to her and you perceive much greater depth in your "bond" to her than is real. It can't be real, not yet.

So, I know everyone is telling you to take it easy, relax and all, but your OCD makes that pretty much impossible, doesn't it?

So, what to do? What to do? Hmm...

You have got to distract your OCD impulses. This girl clearly is smart (she liked you, right? Heheh... ) in that she put the brakes on before things got any further out of control between you two, at least on her end. You've continued on without her for a ways, so it's harder on you. Got to work on that!

So, you'll have to train your mind to switch channels to something nearby when you go into "Oh my God what do I do about HER" mode. Maybe need several distractions going at once. Distractions that involve talking to people about other things, no silent distractions that leave your mind to obsess away...

If you can't manage to resist doing stuff AT her about these things, I promise you that this girl who is only mildly interested in you will lose interest the rest of the way. And rightly so.

Just because you slept together means nothing long-term. You need to remember that. Just because you have "feelings" for her means nothing long-term. In fact, I usually say love feelings are irrelevant when making long-term choices. Long-term is about COMPATIBILITY, and if you go nuts on or at her, she will deem you two incompatible and move on.

And she should. So should you if SHE manages to do a bunch of things that don't mesh with what you need long-term too. That's what dating is all about - "finding out if the girl you already like / love will actually make a good lifemate".

The answer to that is usually "no"... even if the sex was good.

So, repeating what you've heard, swallow a whole barrel of chill-pills and spend the MONTHS it takes to slowly draw close to someone and move to the next level. No shortcuts allowed.

Breake · Apr 2, 2008, 07:21 PM

Brutal yet probably exactly what I need to here. And for the record, I'm the only one that has ever said I have OCD. It's just the only reason I took her up on the sex is because I thought the feelings where mutual. And she was talking about the future too, and how perfect we were. She spoke of slowing down and just talking because she saw it as a long term relationship and she didn't know if she was ready for it.
She sucked me in. Regardless I do have OCD tendencys and I have to keep them in check. Thanks for the reality check.

JBeaucaire · Apr 3, 2008, 04:18 AM

Love at first sight exists, but it really is meaningless. And apparently she didn't actually fall as quick/deep as you did. Long term relationships really, really DO require long term commitment to "seeing if it will work between us".

It's even clear to you now, I see, that you WERE rebound-sex-guy. So, in your head you are starting with a clean slate with her, OK? Completely clean, no history. That's the only basis from which you will succeed with her.

And you need to not be fatalistic about succeeding with her. You simply "can't" be that guy who can't "live without her" because as romantic as that sounds, it's pretty unattractive in a relationship. No, your girl needs to see you as a strong, independent, reliable, relaxed, steady and attractive male figure.

Even if you have to fake it... for a year. :-)

Oh, and if you toss around big powerful trigger words in your life (like OCD) like you did here with us, cut that out. Words mean things. You confused us with that, so imagine how crap like that affects people trying to get close to you.

K_3 · Apr 3, 2008, 05:54 AM

In years past people met, they talked, they liked each other, they had a date, then another, then more often. They actually got to know each other. Relationships evolved into something more. I think that is all she is wanting to do here. If you do care about this girl, get to know her and let her get to know you. The only way to do that is by being friends in the beginning. Call her, and see if she wants to meet for coffee or something. No picking her up, just meeting someplace. I do think it is harder for men to be friends with the opposite sex than it is for women. If you don't feel you can handle just being a friend with someone and seeing if it can develop into something else, then stop and never call her. Otherwise call her, and stop this living in the mind thing you have going on here. Call, tell her you had a good time and would like to try this friend thing out. Don't be pushy, just a friend. BIG no Sex rule though. That complicates things way too much. I know you are a guy but you are responsible for your actions, no one else. Remember that.