[AKaeTrue]

I have read both posts, and can only hope that Paynter167 comes back to read my suggestions to him.
But first, I'm disappointed in the replies that paynter167 has received. They seemed more like personal attacks rather than suggestions and advise on how he and his wife should go about approaching this very serious matter. Violence begets violence... While posting our replies, we should all remember that this is a help forum and not one for criticism or attacks on ones personal being. This forum consists of people from different states, countries, continents and with that there will be different cultures and different ways of life that we must all be open minded to. We as members can and should be able to give our personal opinions and suggestions without criticism and hurtful remarks.
In paynter167's defense - stress & frustration with parenting can cloud our vision and can make a desperate seek for help sound like an inconsiderate request. We have all been in heated situations where we have said we were going to do something mean and hurtful, but don't really mean it or intend to carry it out. More likely than not, he and his wife love their child and want the best for her (why else would he be here). But that's what she is - a child. How can she support herself or a child at 14 years old. She is too young to have a job. How will she pay for child care while she is in school? If she drops out of school now to care for her child, what kind of future will she be able to provide for herself and her child on an 8th or 9th grade education? He and his wife would have to assume all responsibility for their daughters baby, and who are we to judge, for what ever reason, whether they want another child or not. They have more than likely been dealing with a very rebellious young teen. After all, a 14 year old child does not get pregnant by being an innocent child. We must also remember that good parents can have children with bad attitudes and vise versa. We are not here to judge, we are here to offer our advise and hope that it helps.
So with that said...
I would suggest to paynter167 and his wife to wait for a calm evening and have a heart to heart with their daughter. Calmly (and I mean this whole heartedly), if you feel the urge to yell, you must leave the room. It is crucial for you and your wife to remain calm, level headed and sincere through out the entire time you are speaking with your daughter. This will give her the courage to let her defense down and open up to you. She will be able to listen and really hear what you are saying. She probably knows that she has disappointed you beyond belief, and believe it or not, knowing this is killing her inside. She needs to feel your love for her over the disappointment and she needs to know and feel that you as her parents unconditionally love her or she will seek unconditional love else where. We as humans are social beings and need to feel loved, needed and wanted. Sometimes showing unconditional love is challenging when your child is cursing you, rebelling against you and even shouting that they hate you. You just have to keep in mind that she really don't hate you, she is just trying to break away from childhood and find her place as she enters the next phase of her life. Still a child, but not yet a young adult is a hard phase to be in. She wants all the privileges of being a young adult, however, she is still to young and immature to fully handle the responsibilities or to deal with the consequences for her actions. Unfortunately it seem as though your family is well into "the phase of hell", and for what ever the reason, your daughters search for unconditional love began when she started having sex with boys. Because she didn't find it there, she will seek it from this baby.
The idea of adoption should be approached as an action of unconditional love reflecting on the love you have for your daughter along with the hopes and dreams that you and your wife have for her and her child's future. The unconditional love that you show your daughter will give her the strength, the courage and the ability to view adoption as an unselfish act of unconditional love for her baby. Because she loves her child so much and wants nothing but the best for her baby, the idea of letting someone who desperately wants a child that can not have one of their own raise her baby does not sound as threating or as heartless. She will be able to more easily accept the fact that the adoption family will be able to provide for all her babies needs and that it is the best decision for her baby.
Does your daughter know that she can pick the family? Does she know that she can look through portfolios and read letters from hopeful people that want a child, and that she can receive pictures and updates about her baby for as long as she wants. There are many different types of adoption processes - help her find one that she feels comfortable with.
If trust is never established and the adoption is one of force (which you have the right to do by law), your daughters feelings, her whole heart and soul will be jeopardized and her entire life will be one filled with "what ifs" and a never ending search for love in all the wrong places as she tries to fill the void.
I have seen this pattern more times than I can count.
It's not to late to mend a broken relationship between parent and child - and it's never to late to show you care.
I wish you and your family the very best.
Sincerely,
-Kae

[educatedhorse_2005]

There is plenty of help out there for this girl if she wants to keep the baby

As for you an abortion is wrong

From what I have read your daughter probable got pregnant so she could fill love from someone because she ain't gatting it from you

[AKaeTrue]

I understand the anger and frustration felt from everyone who has replied to this post; however, attacking this man is not going to help his daughter (the person everyone here is concerned about) and could very well make her situation worse. Offering positive advise and suggestions with hopes of helping this family would have been a better approach to such a heated situation.
Perhaps with this in mind, you may see my reasoning for my reply above.
-Kae

[[email protected]]

Please do not make her give up her baby. My mother made me when I was 15 and I have resented her for it all my life and will continue to do so. I know it will be hard but this is what she choice to do so now she must learn to be a mother at a young age. Please stand behind her. It will be hard for everyone but in the long run it will be worth it.

[wynelle]

I think that all six people involved need some intensive therapy- her parents, his parents, the underaged female minor and the baby's father.

I don't think it is bad parenting for her parents to be upset that a 14 year old is pregnant. They probably see her as "ruining" her life and all her future plans. It's a little hard for a 14 year old to finish high school, plus work plus care for the child. (Although it may be bad parenting to threaten violence). And I don't think it is bad parenting for them to not be happy with the idea of having to basically rear another child.

Therapy is important. Why did the child get pregnant? Was it an accident or intentional? What does the baby's father plan to do? What are the other home situations? What do his parents think of all this?

Why does everyone think adoption is so bad, provided the young woman in question concurs? Am I the only one old enough to remember Homes for Unwed Mothers? Legally, can a 14 year-old provide informed consent for the adoption? Of, being a minor, can her parents sign away the birth rights and place the child for adoption?

[Myth]

Most teens don't just go out and have sex. Oh I know some do. But I seriously doubt that this one did. She was looking for someone to care for her to hold her when she needed to cry to laugh at the funny things in life. It sounds that this child made a conscious decision to find that someone because it obviously wasn't at home. My guess is that she decided to be with her boyfriend to fill a void that her parents neglected and her parents should feel shamed... I would take this child in in a heartbeat if I could. Pregnant or not. She needs love not someone to damn her. She needs support in her choices not someone to constantly tell her she's wrong... that's what she needed in the first place and what both of her parents lacked. If I could I would take this child in and love her as one of my own and her own parents be damned. I can only hope that the one who judges you in the end will judge you as harshly as you have just judged your daughter. If you wish to blame someone blame yourselves for being so neglectful to her and her needs. You failed as parents.

[Starman]

You ask as if legality were the most important thing in this matter when what really matters is how your daughter feels and how she will be affected by your decisions. A decision might be legal but it might also be unwise and cruel. Please take that into consideration.

BTW

This baby, as you call it, is your grandchild.

[tuddy]

Sit and talk to your daughter please do not try and force the issue of adoption because in my experience she will do what she wants to its hard for parents to come to terms with but if she has made up her mind then you may not be able to change it hope all works out well for you

[Hypatia]

I think giving the child up for adoption might be best for the child under the circumstances. Give the baby and the daughter a chance at a better life. With parents such as these both need as much help as they can get. Possibly have a relative "adopt" or simply take custody of the child and when your daughter is of age and can care for the child, she can regain custody.
Do you have a relative or close family friend who can care for the child while your daughter grows up a bit?
Do not fault her for this! She is young, having sex, made a mistake. Life goes on.
She didnt murder anyone. She made love, had sex, something we ALL do.
So she is 14, I began having sex at 12. It happens, welcome to reality.
In the older days women were married at 14 and having babies!!!

Dont screw up your kids life because you are too childish to get over your own ego problems.

To get so angry you want to hit the girl is wrong but can happen. Dont hit her. you might have a mob at your door.

Let her grow up and try it yourself.

Hypatia

[J_9]

However, in mosst states when a minor becomes pregnant, she automatically becomes emancipated. Also, for adoption to occur in most states the father musst sign also

[Stormy69]

I wish the OP would come back and give us an update on this whole situation..

[fredg]

Hi, Paynter,
If I were you, I would ask a Lawyer. I am not a lawyer, nor a professional in this area.
Your question did not ask for Moral issues; it asked for advice on "rights".
So, please talk with a lawyer, and find out the legal issues (if any), in your local area.
Personally, I agree with you. A 14 yrs old girl cannot support herself and a baby, so that means living at home with you; with you taking care of both her and a baby. I do agree with you, about putting this baby up for adoption.
Check with a lawyer, to see how if you need to do anything legally.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[fairy-dust]

NO YOU CANT, I can't believe you are even thinking of doing this, yes having a baby so young if not good but surely forcing her to give her baby up will break her heart and she will never forgive you for that, one of my friends felt forced in to an abortion she did it to please her parents but there isn't a day gose by when she looks at baby's in the streets and wonders what her baby looks like or what she would have had etc. she stressed her out so much she become very ill andnow is pregnant again but everyone around can see that she is trying to get her unborn child back, my best friend had a child young to her boyfriend try forcing her into to aborting to lucky I talk her out of it and she tells me she is glad I was there to stop her from doing it. How would you feel if it was you in your daughters shoes?? The best thing to do is sit an talk to her about how you feel ask if she sure keeping the baby is for all the right reason if she still wants this baby then I would try and forget about how you feel and help her through this tough time, she will need your surport and will feel much better for it

Forgot to add I am adoppted and trying to find my real mum if I found out that this happened to my real mum then it would break my heart, not only you taking the baby away from your daughter you are taking a child away from its mother think of both of them, I am 19 and have a 7 month year old son my mum wasn't happy now she is thrilled to bits and loving bing a grandparent, if your worried that she won't be able to cope there is a lot of help out there for all of you if I knew where you lived it would help, my sister had a child young to she still finds it hard to cope I had to take care of my niece for a while but now she has all the help she can get she has her daughter back and is doing wonderfully. Pleae try and consider both side and the side of the unborn baby to

[J_9]

My husband was adopted under similar circumstances. He could not be happier with the adopted family he grew up with. He thinks it is the best thing the birth mom could have done for him.

[collinsmom]

Dear Paynter167,
This is a very hard and difficult time for you and your family. Your daughter is going through some very life changing things and needs all the help she can get. I would like to tell you that my husband and I adopted our son 4 years ago through open adoption. It was the best situation for us as a family. We went through many years of trying to have a child with no luck. We found the Independent Adoption Center in Indianapolis (where we lived at the time) that only handles open adoptions. This means that the birthmother (or birthparents) choses a couple that she/they meet and talk about how they would like to continue their relationship after the adoption. In our case, our birthmother (birthfather wanted no part of this process) wanted to get pictures from time to time and meet a couple times a year (usually in the summer and Xmas). We see her and her son along with Aunts, grandparents, cousins, and the birthfather's teenage daughters. It's wonderful for everyone involved. It's an additional family we didn't we wanted until it happened! The adoption agency has mantory counseling for the birthmom. I would recommend that you and your daughter contact them to explore options. It's free and they have talked and worked with so many women and families, that they might be able to help you all too! It doesn't mean that you have to go through them for adoption or adoption at all, but at least they can help open some communication. They do have a website that you can goggle...
Take care of each other,
Erin

[wynelle]

It has been almost 6 months. The baby should be born or about to be born. Wish we had an update.

[talaniman]

I agree I've thought of this poor kid a lot.Ihope everything turned out okay.

[valinors_sorrow]

well i got my answer people i talked to a laywer and in nj the parent has the RIGHT to put the baby up for adoption if the child is a minor but not the right to force her to have an abortion.so if anyone wants a baby this one will surely be up for adoption

Q: Why are you asking this again when you already have your answer?

[Bronica]

Well I can speak from both aspects.. I had a friend who had a baby at 13, her mother and the morman church put this baby up for adoption, much to my friends dismay. She went wild ran away did drugs and 2years later had her second child.. though as an adult she's great she now has two children and a wonderful husband,but often is sad. Then on the other had I had a neighbor who had a baby at 12! Her mother decided there was no other option, the 12 yr old would raise the baby. And so she alone with no help from her parents other than a free palace to live, she did it! She's great too. She's not as well off as my friend but has two kids now 13&5 and married happy but w/reguret. I on the other hand had one at 17 I was married even before I got pregnant,short of a long story he left and my parents really helped out, keep in mind I was young and wanted to be free and do what the other kids were doing.. so honestly often I would and leave my child w/my parents so in other words as hard as this is to admit now at 32 I can say that w/out my parents I never would have been able to do it. I was only a mother when it sooted me! Now I'm married w/three kids 14,4,8mo. No regurets with all that in mind id be against giving the child up for many reasons raising this baby could really be joyful, but be prepared to be more then a grandparent at times.. but go w/your heart. I don't know your child from adam and bringing a baby into the world is a big deal, and will require love,forgiveness,and understanding from all of you. If your ready to give up things and are a strong couple then id say tough love. "you made your bed now lie in it" but with only regards to the wellbeing of the baby. Or have you even thought about you as the grandparents about adoping the child? And where is the father? He has right too. Maybe his parents could help if that's an option...

[JoeCanada76]

I am hoping and praying that everything worked out for the teenage girl, her baby and family. I pray that she was able to keep her baby and was not forced to do anything she did not want to do. Adoption in my opinion if she did not keep the baby is the best choice. Especially is she wanted her baby to be safe from her neglectful and hateful parents.

Joe