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ssm26 · Mar 31, 2008, 12:56 PM

About a year ago I acted out one of my husbands fantasies of me being with a girl but he initiated the whole thing. I didn't think he would want me to do it again. However, now he is wanting me to and when I tell him I'm not ready to again or that I don't want to right now he gets really angry and says that I'm boring. This hurts because I feel he should respect me enough to not want me to do it if I don't want to yet. We have a good sex life 4-5 times a week and we have 3 children. I do want to do it again but want to feel in the mood or comfortable with the person I decide to do it with. I am VERY shy and it is hard for me to actually try to start things up... I can barely strike up a normal conversation with someone much less a sexual start up so when I ask him to come up with a way he can start it for me he gets mad about that... How should I handle this? We have been together for almost 9 years.

smoothy · Mar 31, 2008, 01:14 PM

Basically, have you explained it to him in exactly these same terms... and add that if you feel pressure at all its not going to happen because it turns you off to the topic.

Personally he should respect the fact you aren't ready and not get upset with you. I feel a couple should be able to ask or say anything to their partner. But also that the partner is under no obligation to agree with it. A mature adult won't be getting upset when they can't have everything they want, exactly when they want it. Most guys have fantasized about this but very few have actually got to do it even once much less multiple times.

Stick to your guns in that its on YOUR schedule, when YOU are ready, and if YOU are ready. If he can't deal with it then tough... try to steer the conversation towards something else before he has a chance to get worked up. While I commend you for having an open mind, he has to learn a bit of self control based on his reactions.

In my opinion you have done nothing wrong. And he has by being childish and calling you boring and getting upset when he can't have his fetish when he wants it. You are in control of your body, its your domain to control, not his.

I'd calmly say you aren't feeling up to it right now and steer the discussion to another topic to diffuse any arguments from him.

Synnen · Mar 31, 2008, 01:29 PM

Want to know how to get him to stop asking?

Tell him that the NEXT time, you'd like it to be sex with him and another guy at the same time, and since he got HIS fantasy (of you sleeping with another woman) you should get YOUR fantasy.

If that doesn't shut him up, then take it to a marriage counselor.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Mar 31, 2008, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Want to know how to get him to stop asking?

Tell him that the NEXT time, you'd like it to be sex with him and another guy at the same time, and since he got HIS fantasy (of you sleeping with another woman) you should get YOUR fantasy.

If that doesn't shut him up, then take it to a marriage counselor.

It's funny how men would say 'NO WAY!' in a situation like that but would love nothing more than their wife/girlfriend in sexual contact with another woman.

SHEESH!

Choux · Mar 31, 2008, 02:57 PM

Your husband is abusing you verbally and sexually. For some reason, you are accepting being treated like dirt.

Time to get a backbone; start with some therapy from a *good* therapist. You must have a life apart from what you have going now... the role of *wife* and *mother*. You are much more than acting out these two roles... you are a beautiful woman who needs to recapture her sense of self and sense of wonder!

Best wishes to you in 2008,

statictable · Apr 1, 2008, 08:29 PM

Choux slides into home plate and not only wins the game but visits upon you a reality which you must trust. Some can never have just one potato chip let alone the bathing of one's entire personage in a warm pool of testosterone, pheromone and other exotic spices.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 1, 2008, 08:33 PM

Just tell him no, tell him it is not for you, and that divorce court can be the next stop if he wants to continue to bother you about it.
Perhaps going a few weeks with NONE will make him care for for what he has

kp2171 · Apr 1, 2008, 08:52 PM

That's the danger of crossing a line sexually... its hard to go back mentally. That said, you did nothing wrong...

He is being a jerk, and you are being true to your feelings. Hopefully he will get a clue sooner than later.

So he has a fetish. Welcome to the club!

Maybe your fetish is to be fed a fantastic dinner with a nice glass of wine, massaged by him for an hour, and then gotten off with soft oral after a hot shower.

And if he denies you, maybe he's boring. More likely lazy.

Crabbergirl · Apr 30, 2008, 02:50 PM

If he gets mad it's not about you and a girl it's about him. Sex is a 2 way street. This situation is not love or he would not disrespect you!

Handyman2007 · May 1, 2008, 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by Choux

Your husband is abusing you verbally and sexually. For some reason, you are accepting being treated like dirt.

Time to get a backbone; start with some therapy from a *good* therapist. You must have a life apart from what you have going now....the role of *wife* and *mother*. You are much more than acting out these two roles....you are a beautiful woman who needs to recapture her sense of self and sense of wonder!

Best wishes to you in 2008,

I agree with this response 100%. He is being controlling, selfish and demanding.

arturo1 · Jun 4, 2008, 08:02 PM

I want my wife

donyell · Jun 4, 2008, 10:01 PM

Originally Posted by ssm26

About a year ago I acted out one of my husbands fantasies of me being with a girl but he initiated the whole thing. I didnt think he would want me to do it again. However, now he is wanting me to and when I tell him I'm not ready to again or that I dont want to right now he gets really angry and says that I'm boring. This hurts because I feel he should respect me enough to not want me to do it if I dont want to yet. We have a good sex life 4-5 times a week and we have 3 children. I do want to do it again but want to feel in the mood or comfortable with the person I decide to do it with. I am VERY shy and it is hard for me to actually try to start things up....I can barely strike up a normal conversation with someone much less a sexual start up so when I ask him to come up with a way he can start it for me he gets mad about that.....How should I handle this?? We have been together for almost 9 years.

I am so sorry to say that you should not have opened that can of worms . Your husband should only want to be with you . He married you and that should be enough. There are all kinds of things that you can do besides bring another person into your bedroom maybe it is time for councling now sometimes it helpls when another person is relating how you feel to your spouse cause for some reason he is just not hearing you.

Credendovidis · Jun 5, 2008, 03:51 AM

Originally Posted by ssm26

How should I handle this?? We have been together for almost 9 years.

You need to change your approach to this problem in another direction.
Besides all that was already stated here, I suggest you do the following, as long as you do not like to do that :

As your husband more or less forced you earlier to have sex with someone of your own gender, you should demand now he should first do the same : have sex with one of his own gender.
I think that this will stop him dead in his tracks ...

But why do you allow him to abuse you ? This is nothing but abuse : sexually and mentally.
There is nothing wrong with having sexual encounters outside marriage - if that is what you two want and jointly can agree upon - but it is abuse if one of the partners is forced to do so against his/her will.

smoothy · Jun 5, 2008, 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Want to know how to get him to stop asking?

Tell him that the NEXT time, you'd like it to be sex with him and another guy at the same time, and since he got HIS fantasy (of you sleeping with another woman) you should get YOUR fantasy.

If that doesn't shut him up, then take it to a marriage counselor.

Um... she might want to have "HER" fanatasy first... then he gets his. Otherwise he would waffle and delay and she would never get hers.

Synnen · Jun 5, 2008, 06:00 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Um...she might want to have "HER" fanatasy first.....then he gets his. Otherwise he would waffle and delay and she would never get hers.

Oh, that's completely what I meant... the next time they had to add ANYONE, it should be another guy, since he'd already GOTTEN his fantasy, so the NEXT time they do fantasies, it should be HER fantasy.

And she should definitely add all the things she wants the guys to do to each other every time she talks about it. Giving head, daisy chains, whatever--make it clear that the guys are going to be interacting with each other (the same way that I'm sure the women were interacting with each other for HIS pleasure).

I did forget to add, though, that when he's shocked, appalled, and uncomfortable with the talk of him and another man--the OP should get really angry tell him that he's being "boring!"

Xrayman · Jun 5, 2008, 04:07 PM

Dear Syn,

That has to be the best answer to this I've heard. Well done (can't give you any greenies-had to spread the word)

lella87 · Jun 8, 2008, 02:14 AM

Simple.. tell him "Ok babe... but i want a threesome with another guy" That will shut him up.. If not.. you have a problem.

If you don't want to do it.. Don't.

George_1950 · Jun 12, 2008, 07:31 PM

Your husband is nuts; has he heard of STD's? Sexually Transmitted Diseases - Information from CDC

southerngalps · Jun 12, 2008, 10:19 PM

I feel that there is something wrong with a married man wanting to continue having threesomes. This would worry me that I am not the sexy, attractive woman I was and he just wants to see someone else in bed who gets him going... I think other things should be done to create a better sex life. Threesomes should not be done with someone you love. I have experienced this... and I couldn't get the picture out of my head of my love touching someone else.

smoothy · Jun 13, 2008, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by southerngalps

i feel that there is something wrong with a married man wanting to continue having threesomes. this would worry me that i am not the sexy, attractive woman i was and he just wants to see someone else in bed who gets him going...i think other things should be done to create a better sex life. threesomes should not be done with someone you love. i have experienced this...and i couldn't get the picture out of my head of my love touching someone else.

Oh I bet if you took a poll of married guys anonymously you would find MOST would love to have a threesome.

Now of those that would like to in a perfect world you are going to find a lot that won't due to STD's etc, as well as other reasons that are part of the real world.