Check out some similar questions!

losingit77 · Mar 30, 2008, 05:57 PM

I'm wondering because of my current situation. You can read my post "BF afraid to commit" to hear the story but basically about 9 months ago we broke up for the same reason. We've been together for 4 years. Last time this happened, I didn't do full NC. I accepted his weekly phone calls although they were only for him to tell me that he missed me, loved me, but didn't want to be together. Than I finally got serious about NC and after 4 weeks of NC and a little over 2 months apart, he came back to me saying he wanted to be in a serious committed relationship blah blah blah. And now here I am again. And once again it was I who thought breaking up was a good idea and then I immediately backtracked and tried to reconcile with him for the past week to which he has said he loves me but can't be in a relationship right now. Now, I'm doing the right thing and have stopped contacting him, crying, begging, etc. and will not accept his phone calls for at least 2 weeks possibly longer so he can have the time to figure out his mind without me clouding his judgement. And I'm really trying to use this time to figure out what I want. If I want to get back together or if I want to move on.

The problem is in the back of my mind I keep thinking, this is the same thing that happened last time. So part of me is like, what am I worried about? I know he's going to come back? And the other part of me is do I really want him back if in the back of mind I'll keep thinking this is going to happen in 6 months all over again? What do I do?? How can I move on? Especially when we both still love each other? He's sweared up and down and cried when we broke up about how much he loves me. And now he's willing to lose me all over again? Or is he just thinking that he knows what happened last time and he knows he'll be able to come back whenever he wants? I'm hoping if I really do NC this time for real, it'll be his wake up call.

talaniman · Mar 30, 2008, 08:20 PM

I'm hoping if I really do NC this time for real, it'll be his wake up call.

You want something different than what he wants, so are you saying your ready to settle for just a relationship, or are you hoping he wants you enough to go to the next level?? May I suggest you quit worrying about his wake up call, and worry about your own. What he wants, and gets, is irrelevant.

chuff · Mar 30, 2008, 09:03 PM

I'm not sure what it is you want. Are you? Before he can commit to you, you've got to commit to yourself this is what you want. You are back and forth and if you are that way, he has nothing to commit too, if that's what he's looking to do.

Mom of 2 · Mar 30, 2008, 09:30 PM

I agree with the two prior posts. A person has to know what they want before they can be committed to a relationship. Based on your post, I feel that you are confused and don't know what you want. Maybe you are more afraid of being alone and it is better to be in an on again off again relationship than no relationship at all. I have a feeling that you may be suffering from a bit of lowered self esteem because you are willing to put yourself through another round of this unacceptable behavior. How can someone love you but not want to be in a relationship with you? That just does not make sense!! This is what I believe HE is saying, "Hey, I don't want to be in a relationship with you, but I also don't want you to be in a relationship with with anyone else either". So, he strings you along knowing that you will take it and accept it. After all, you have done so in the past. Know this, if you continue to accept this behavior, this is what your relationship will continue to be like unless you put your foot down and decide not to accept it. I recently read a book that has helped me out a lot in this very area. I won't give the exact title in this post, as I don't want to be accused of advertising, but the title has the words Men, love and the deragatory term for women that starts with a b. If you can figure this out, as there is only one word that is missing in the title from what I have given you, go to your local library or bookstore and read the book. This can only help you.

In answer to your original question, yes, people do follow a pattern. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior (thank you Dr. Phil, as he has said this countless times and it is soooo true). If you are willing to accept his past behavior and you are fine with this, that is your prerogative. However, if you feel that his behavior towards you is unacceptable, then continue with the NC. Continue to ignore his phone calls, etc. It will be hard, but in the long run, it will be well worth it. You are doing great!!

losingit77 · Mar 31, 2008, 06:54 AM

Thanks, everyone. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I know the only thing I can control is my own behavior not his so the only thing I can do is break the pattern myself and keep with the NC which is something the last time, I never did. It times to put my foot down and say I will not be treated like this and this is not OK. Its also time for me to really start looking within myself to figure out what I want not just what I'll put up with.

Its hard buts it Day 2 of NC. Each day is an emotional roller coaster but every time I think of talking to him and then I DON'T call him, makes me a little bit prouder of myself. I know it'll get easier. I just need to ride it out and keep myself busy.

jolienoire · Mar 31, 2008, 08:04 AM

Now you realized you have been knitting the same pattern, You have took your first creative step by switiching up the stitch Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way. At least you realized that continuing to cling to the patterns you know inhibits your ability to discover what you don't know. Of course it hurts because you love him, but If you are serious about your goals, drop the conditions. Start working on your goals go directly to your goal. Be your goal! Conditions often disguise strategies for escaping accountability. Why not just take charge and create the experience you are looking for, and that is moving forward and understanding that You deserve to be happy, you gave all that you can, and he wasn't willing to give you what you needed to get closer to your goals, an obstacle, a distraction that you Don't need.

losingit77 · Mar 31, 2008, 10:19 AM

Thanks jolie. I can't believe how much better I'm already taking this than last time. The hardest part is thinking about the future and what I thought the future was going to be. And now without him, I have no idea what it'll bring. I'm just trying to keep remembering that even when we were together the future I thought we would have would apparently would have never happened anyway. And at least now, I'm free to explore what I want and what'll make me happy rather than constantly comprising my wants and desires for someone who isn't capable of compromising their own. Don't get me wrong, he's not a terrible person. I guess just not the right one for me : ( Day 2 of NC and Day 9 of breakup and I'm still alive! And smiling.

jolienoire · Mar 31, 2008, 11:08 AM

Time to bust out your Gloria Gaynor I will survive CD and start singing.. lol... It will get better keep smiling,

losingit77 · Apr 12, 2008, 10:11 AM

Day 6 of no contact. Still feeling pretty all right, probably because I only just saw him 6 days ago. For the most part I just think to myself, "Eh, nothing I can do about this. I didn't do anything wrong, just gotta keep moving.." but then if I really start to think about it, its like 1/2 of me is scared he's NOT going to come back and 1/2 of me is scared he IS going to come back. Weird, right? The hardest part is we had pets together (he called "our kids") and now I have them and they're a constant reminder.

At least this time around I'm instituting NC unlike last time. I cringe at the memories of me 2 weeks ago crying and arguing with him as to why we should stay together. So silly and pathetic! Oh well, this is more his loss than mine...