[Coakes]

My girlfriend and I have been together now for almost 5 years. I am madly in love with her and am ready to spend the rest of my life with her. She knows this but at the time she is confused about what she wants. The past 6 months have not been the best part of our relationship. I could feel her becoming distanced from me. She has no interest in sex, barely ever wants to cuddle, and doesn't show me much affection. I know that I haven't made the situation better but I'm trying to do my best. A few days ago, I asked why she never wants to be intimate with me for what seems like the millionth time, she told me she loves me but she is unsure if she is still in love with me. This is the first time this has come out. I believe in my heart that she is still in love with me, but is confused about her life and what she wants. We have been together since we were 18 and are now 23. She says she needs a break to find herself, independence, and to figure out her feelings. I am so devastated that she even needs to go through something like this. I feel like I went through this 2 years into our relationship, but I worked through it myself without putting our relationship on hiatus. That makes me think that she will discover with this break, that she is truly in love with me so we can move on and find ourselves together. We've agreed not to see other people, and I've told her to call me when she's ready. I want to know if anyone else has been through this situation before? We haven't had hardly any problems in our relationship other than my jealousy which I have worked through. I need advice on how to handle this. I feel so devastated and lost. She is my best friend. I can't lose her. Please help.

[ISneezeFunny]

Sorry to say this, but sounds like a breakup buddy... the whole "agreement to not see other people" rarely works out... seriously.

Everyone and their mother on this relationship thread has been through this whole "she wants a break"... trust me. Just look through... you can find my story, ihatewestseneca's story, freakinconfused's story, etc. there's plenty of others here... just like you.

For now, don't wait around for her. Do your own thing... and she may come back.

[Coakes]

My girlfriend and I have been together now for almost 5 years. I am madly in love with her and am ready to spend the rest of my life with her. She knows this but at the time she is confused about what she wants. The past 6 months have not been the best part of our relationship. I could feel her becoming distanced from me. She has no interest in sex, barely ever wants to cuddle, and doesn't show me much affection. I know that I haven't made the situation better but I'm trying to do my best. A few days ago, I asked why she never wants to be intimate with me for what seems like the millionth time, she told me she loves me but she is unsure if she is still in love with me. This is the first time this has come out. I believe in my heart that she is still in love with me, but is confused about her life and what she wants. We have been together since we were 18 and are now 23. She says she needs a break to find herself, independence, and to figure out her feelings. I am so devastated that she even needs to go through something like this. I feel like I went through this 2 years into our relationship, but I worked through it myself without putting our relationship on hiatus. That makes me think that she will discover with this break, that she is truly in love with me so we can move on and find ourselves together. We've agreed not to see other people, and I've told her to call me when she's ready. I want to know if anyone else has been through this situation before?? We haven't had hardly any problems in our relationship other than my jealousy which I have worked through. I need advice on how to handle this. I feel so devastated and lost. She is my best friend. I can't lose her. Please help.

Well she didn't say a break up. I'm going to give her the space that she needs and I have faith in her as well as God that she will realize what we have. She has been so devoted to me for our entire relationship... I can't imagine all of that going away. I feel she has just suppressed it under the stress of work and school. She has an extremely tight schedule and I know she isn't happy in her current situation. I feel like our relationship may be the only thing she feels she has control over and is trying to take control in someway.

[ISneezeFunny]

I certainly hope so. But in most cases, "I need time" or "I need space" usually means... "I'm done with this."

But, you know her better than any of us do, so it's a possibility. However, if it's ever the case that she is actually moving on, and you end up waiting around, the more it will hurt and the longer it will take for you to move on.

[KD33]

I believe in my heart that she is still in love with me, but is confused about her life and what she wants.

What I think is she's not confused entirely confused on the fact about her life and what she wants.. Not meaning to sound harsh or mean but I think the real thing she is confused on is if she even loves you anymore. People change over time... sometimes for the better and others for the worse... I think she is over you and is confused on how she feels because of how she felt. If she is trying to take a break from you she is trying to tell you without being a heartless that she wants to see other people and that she just wants to carry on as friends is anything at all. That's probably why she has been pushing away your affection and is seeing someone else at the moment. That's what my friend went through, she had a guy who said he was deeply in love with her... he wanted to hold her and be together in everything he could be... but the thing was as my friend was confused about how she "feels" which defines to "felt" towards him and as it turns out she was just pushing him away but kept going off and on in relationship because she thought they still had something when it turns out they had nothing together but messed confusion. All it did was lead each other onto nothing and cause heartache for the poor guy who thought she still loved him and she didden't know how to say she wanted to be nothing but friends. You might have more relationship later on in life with her but I highly doubt that it will last long if or when it happens. After all of the breakup they went through they ended up wanting to hurt each other because they just couldent get along in a room alone or yet with other people in with them. Sorry but it looks like you have the same thing my friends did and it ends sadly so if she means anything to you then I suggest you let her have her time and if she really has feelings for you she will come to you whenshe is ready, don't bug her for it because of women's horomones we have very shortly termed tempers. Even if she does come back to you it might be in a few years so prepare yourself to move on and find someone else. Sorryfor your misfortune.

[Coakes]

What I think is she's not confused entirely confused on the fact about her life and what she wants.. Not meaning to sound harsh or mean but I think the real thing she is confused on is if she even loves you anymore. People change over time...sometimes for the better and others for the worse... I think she is over you and is confused on how she feels because of how she felt. If she is trying to take a break from you she is trying to tell you without being a heartless that she wants to see other people and that she just wants to carry on as friends is anything at all. Thats probably why she has been pushing away your affection and is seeing someone else at the moment. Thats what my friend went through, she had a guy who said he was deeply in love with her...he wanted to hold her and be together in everything he could be... but the thing was as my friend was confused about how she "feels" which defines to "felt" towards him and as it turns out she was just pushing him away but kept going off and on in relationship because she thought they still had something when it turns out they had nothing together but messed confusion. All it did was lead eachother onto nothing and cause heartache for the poor guy who thought she still loved him and she didden't know how to say she wanted to be nothing but friends. You might have more relationship later on in life with her but I highly doubt that it will last long if or when it happens. After all of the breakup they went through they ended up wanting to hurt eachother because they just couldent get along in a room alone or yet with other people in with them. Sorry but it looks like you have the same thing my friends did and it ends sadly so if she means anything to you then I suggest you let her have her time and if she really has feelings for you she will come to you whenshe is ready, don't bug her for it because of womens horomones we have very shortly termed tempers. Even if she does come back to you it might be in a few years so prepare yourself to move on and find someone else. Sorryfor your misfortune.

Well that doesn't make any sense in my situation because she isn't seeing anyone else. Your friends situation doesn't purtain to mine. We haven't had problems before until recently. Every relationship goes through problems and I feel like we are reaching ours. We've spent 5 years without problems and things are coming around. We've never had a break up... this is the first time. I couldn't imagine her throwing away 5 years. I wish I could explain my situation better... I got on here to get some reassurance that things can get better and be okay and I'm not getting that. I think the people on here who work things out don't return to tell of their happiness... im just getting responses from broken hearted people who "don't mean to sound harsh" but have no hope anymore.

[Synnen]

"Throwing away" 5 years is better than "throwing away" your life.

And from a female perspective--"I need a break" really means "I've been wondering what I'm doing in this relationship for a while, and every time I think I'm just going to break up with you, you do something sweet and I wonder how I could ever leave you, but most of the time, I'm frustrated because I don't love you like I once did, and I don't know how to fix it, but if I tell you I'm breaking up with you, you'll hate me, and I still love you in some ways, but not in THAT way, and it would hurt me to lose you completely from my life, so maybe if we take a break, I'll realize I still love you and come back (which isn't likely) but maybe I'll finally be able to actually THINK without you actually influencing my thinking with your big puppy dog eyes and that hurt look on your face, because I don't really want to hurt YOU, I just don't know what's best for ME anymore, but I don't think you are it, or I wouldn't be feeling so frustrated and restless". (yes, that was deliberately done without much puntucation)

Basically, "I need a break" means "I fell out of love with you somewhere, and I don't know what to do now, but I feel guilty when I'm with you for not being in love with you, so I'm going someplace where I feel less guilty".

In other words--don't hold your breath that she's comign back, and if she DOES come back, don't expect ANYTHING to be the same.

Go out, have some fun with your friends, and don't spend the next couple of YEARS waiting for her to come back, like one guy I know.

PS--I'm happily married, and was the dumper rather than the dumpee in about half my relationships. I'm not the broken-hearted stereotype you're painting about the people who answer here. I'm just giving it to you as it really is, not how you want it to be.

[nickshehe]

I agree with the above posts..
I have a friend who was going through the same phase for a while - where they indeed took a break because the girl was just really unsure about what was going to happen. They got together when they were 17 and now they're 22.. She knew that if they stayed together they would eventually get married and it terrified her.
It's nothing that should be taken personally, I think it's a scary thought myself at such a tender age to know that in some sense of the word you're tied down with someone for the rest of your life and its normal to go through these emotions.
My friend, much like you - didn't think like that, he said even though he isn't planning on proposing any time soon he could imagine himself marrying that girl. Anyway the break didn't last very long, he just didn't contact her and she eventually folded, but she's still unsure.. They agree'd on breaking up in the summer (which is completely pointless imo. A relationship with an expiry date is not healthy).
Moral of the story being, if she does decide on coming back, much like the others said - it won't change much. You might be extra nice, and do more things for her in an attempt to open her eyes and snap out of this "trance" that you believe she's under, and to see how great you are for each other.. but I'm afraid to tell you my friend, it's rarely the case..
I know it hurts but I wouldn't hold my breath on this..
Find some relief in other peoples posts, much like I have.. theres a lot of us grieving much like you.
Good luck

[confused25]

I wish I could explain my situation better....I got on here to get some reassurance that things can get better and be okay and I'm not getting that. I think the people on here who work things out dont return to tell of their happiness...im just getting responses from broken hearted people who "don't mean to sound harsh" but have no hope anymore.

As much as it hurts we're not going to tell you what you want to hear, instead we are going to tell you what you have to hear, which is the hard truth. These forums are made up of several different types of people, including your peers who have recently gone through a break-up, and adults who have been through several relationships and heartbreaks but eventually found their "soul-mate" (in other words they know very well how the game is played). Everyone here gives advice based on experience. It's up to you whether you follow that advice. Good luck.

[talaniman]

Well I can see your very freshly hurt, and in denial, and very scared. Nothing anyone tells you will reasure you, or diminish the hurt, and no, forget the sugar coating BS that your looking for. My best suggestion is for you to wait and weather the storm your going through, until its proven whether this relationship is over or not. Maybe you'll listen, or maybe you won't. Either way, please keep us updated.

[simoneaugie]

Yeah, I can see you're hurting. Don't like anyone to feel pain without gain. But, I'll tell you why I broke up with every guy. I've been dumped, sure. But every time I dumped it was for one, or both of two reasons.

1. He was clingy and wanted to know where I'd been, who I had talked to. He talked about "us" from his perspective and didn't consider mine.
2. He was lousy in bed.

If a woman is having fabulous sex, she can usually overlook the clinginess, for a while. As I had more relationships, guys who talked about us, without asking what I thought and felt, never even got a first date. Again, fabulous sex overruled break-up thoughts for a long time.

She might come back. In the meantime, learn about you. Learn what makes the best relationship for you. Don't sugar-coat it. Marriage is for life, be realistic. Work with what works.

[teresa obst]

"Throwing away" 5 years is better than "throwing away" your life.

And from a female perspective--"I need a break" really means "I've been wondering what I'm doing in this relationship for a while, and every time I think I'm just going to break up with you, you do something sweet and I wonder how I could ever leave you, but most of the time, I'm frustrated because I don't love you like I once did, and I don't know how to fix it, but if I tell you I'm breaking up with you, you'll hate me, and I still love you in some ways, but not in THAT way, and it would hurt me to lose you completely from my life, so maybe if we take a break, I'll realize I still love you and come back (which isn't likely) but maybe I'll finally be able to actually THINK without you actually influencing my thinking with your big puppy dog eyes and that hurt look on your face, because I don't really want to hurt YOU, I just don't know what's best for ME anymore, but I don't think you are it, or I wouldn't be feeling so frustrated and restless". (yes, that was deliberately done without much puntucation)

Basically, "I need a break" means "I fell out of love with you somewhere, and I don't know what to do now, but I feel guilty when I'm with you for not being in love with you, so I'm going someplace where I feel less guilty".

In other words--don't hold your breath that she's comign back, and if she DOES come back, don't expect ANYTHING to be the same.

Go out, have some fun with your friends, and don't spend the next couple of YEARS waiting for her to come back, like one guy I know.

PS--I'm happily married, and was the dumper rather than the dumpee in about half my relationships. I'm not the broken-hearted stereotype you're painting about the people who answer here. I'm just giving it to you as it really is, not how you want it to be.

I'd also like to add that I have been married for 20 years now. When I fell out of love with my husband, it was because I fell in love with someone else. I did not want to hurt my husband and I did not want to "slam" that door either, so I just told him I needed time. I never went forward with the other relationship and my husband and I worked it out. It can happen, so keep your chin up!

[jaje]

Well...

Taking a break can be a very good thing. Seeing other people is advisable, rather than not seeing anyone new.

You will know, once you see other things and people and you go back to being 'without each other', what you really mean to each other.

So if she feels she is really in love with you, she will return.