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girlfriend problems, getting mad at me for reasons unknown
Hi, be warned, this might get a bit long so I apologize in advance for the length.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 18 months and recently she's gotten into a rather depressed state of mind and has started to take everything (even pointless little things that are meaningless) out on me, for the last few weeks I've been going to her house to see her after work and trying to do what we normally do as best I can (we lost a baby a few weeks ago) so its pretty much just been my trying to be there for her and to help her cope, by trying to make her laugh and getting her to talk about what happened so she doesn't bottle it up and start the downward spiral towards depression (hard to do I know because lets face it losing a baby is going to have quite an effect on her) but I've tried to be there for her, but its seemed like she hardly wanted me around when I was there, but as soon I was gone she wanted me there. Anyway yesterday one of my friends who I haven't seen in a while called me up and asked me if I wanted to go out, so naturally I did the nice thing and saw if my girlfriend minded me going "you haven't seen him in ages, go for it" she said, when she actually meant "no, I want you go come here" but she never said that directly to me, she said to a few of our mutual friends "typical the day I want to actually see my boyfriend and he has better things to do" I mean I asked her if she minded and she said no, anyway my friends told me that she actually wanted to see me so I went over hers before meeting with my old friend and I was willing to cancel because I feel my girlfriend needs me more right now and my friend would've understood that. I got to her house and she proceeded to bite my head off "what're you doing here?" so I told her how I heard she wanted to see me and she then proceeded to break down crying and told me to f*** off "but you wanted to see me.." "well I want to be on my own now" "okay...want me to come over later after I've seen my friend?" "no just leave me alone" So I went out with my friend and rang her later to see if she was OK, she was we had a nice conversation about random stuff and she sounded genuinely happy while we were talking, but then my phones battery died and my friend went to see his girlfriend so I went to my other friends for a while. Then later on on the night me and a few of my friends were meant to be going to playing video games but that got canceled for reasons unknown at the moment, and I went home and text my girlfriend telling her I couldn't sleep she then said "I thought you were out?" "I was earlier but it got canceled now I can't sleep" and she started to get really defensive and dismissive with me "ok..." "are you alright?" "YES" "you've gone dismissive" "I have yeah" "why?" "it doesn't matter" "okay.." "how can you not be able to sleep when Gary text me saying he was out with you and Dave?" "we went to pick him up earlier and as soon as we did Duggy canceled on us so we drove about for a bit" "I see" "you've gone dismissive again" "I just f***ing hate it when you twist the truth FOR NO REASON, it makes me feel like s***" "how did I twist the truth?" "forget it." "okay..." and she hasn't spoken to me since I mean... how exactly did I twist the truth? I told her what I was doing and why my friend text her saying he was out with me but I reallly can't see where the twisting of the truth comes into play I know that she's got a few emotional issues right now with losing the baby and stuff but if she actually said to me "would you come over?" I would do instead of getting mad with me for being out with my friends when she wants to see me, its frustrating more than anything because its going to end up being me who apologises about it even though I've done nothing wrong but there won't be peace until I do, so how exactly do I go about "being there for her" when she wants nothing to do with me when I'm at hers and constantly wants me there when I'm not there? Its actually starting to get me down |
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I've never dealt with a situation such as losing a baby, but I know it must be rough. My suggestion would be to bite your tongue and just be there for her on her emotional rollercoster. Don't argue with her. Period. No matter what she says. She's got a lot going through her head and I can'teven imagine how hard this is on her. She has to deal with these emotions on her own timetable. Don't press her to talk about it, let her talk about it when she needs to. Just be there for her, comfort her, and be strong. With the emotions she is going through she needs you to be an emotional rock. You have to be stable and strong. You have to show her a steady stream of comfort and be an anchor for her emotionally. No matter how she is treating you, you need to just be strong and deal with it silently while she copes with her feelings. I know its hard to be the strong male all the time, but what women look for in times of crisis is for the man she loves to be strong because she cannot be. I'm not saying women are incapable of dealing with loss on their own. They are quite capable. And I'm not saying men don't have feelings, because we definitely do and I'm sure your dealing with the loss as well. But she is definitely looking to you now to be the strong one because she doesn't have a lot to hold on to. Be her rock and her anchor as hard as it is. Don't rush her grieving, just be there for her even when she acts like she hates you. You will both heal and get past this, but she is looking to you to be strong where she feels she cannot be. So be strong, compassionate, and comforting. Be a rock planted firmly in the ground so that even the fiercest storm cannot move you.
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I know that she's got a few emotional issues right now with losing the baby and stuff
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
I agree that you just need to stick by her and be her rock. She's broken and she needs you. Yet, I understand that it's getting hard to be around her when all she does is yell at you. Her emotional breakdowns aren't helping the situation either. Maybe what you guys need to do is actually talk about the loss of your baby. I know that's probably a touchy subject and no one really wants to bring it up, but maybe, it's the reason for her anger. She wants to talk about it but she's so sad and hurt. I don't know if this is a good thing to do, but, I personally would suggest you to try. It can't get worse. Perhaps telling her how you're feeling might help too. You're trying to be so strong and I'm impressed that you haven't snapped at her yet. This loss not only damages her but you as well. It's not fair that you're the only one trying to be strong through this ordeal, she needs to know that you're hurting as well. I wish you the best of luck. |
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 Originally Posted by SJB1701E
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Sorry for your loss,
This will probably sound a bit brash but I think you are doing everything you can, with that being said she needs to do her part. Would she be interested in counseling at a church or other professional help because I honestly don't think you should try to handle her emotional distress all on your own. You briefly mentioned that she just loss a baby so I am assuming it was the both of yours, if that is the case you two should be leaning on each other for emotional support not her pulling and pushing you away... I can't help but think if she even realizes she wasn't the only one to lose the baby and that you could be hurting too. I guess my advice is to give her some time to vent (in counseling) do not feel bad about anything (b/c it seems she is taking things out on you unnecessarily) and if you fell like this is the girl you want to be with for the rest of your life don't take her form of grief personally but don't allow it to tear you apart either. *best wishes* |
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Counseling could be very helpful in helping you both deal with it. However you can't and shouldn't try to force her to go. You can suggest it. That's it. And if you do suggest it for the both of you so it doesn't seem like your accusing her of being crazy for having feelings that are very normal to have in this type of situation. You can't force her to talk to you about it and you can't force her to talk to a counseler about it. All it you can do is put it out there and see if she thinks it's a good idea. She might be opposed now, but come back and agree later. That last thing she needs from you is pressure about anything. Just be strong for her and give her a place she knows she can go to to anchor herself.
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When a woman gets pregnant, she can become a different person. It's hormones. Then when a baby is lost, in addition to the lost life, she is dealing with hormones again. She feels guilty asking you to be there. She wants to be her normal self. She is feeling guilty and floundering.
When a woman is behaving like a yo-yo and getting mad at you for little things, it can be very hard to deal with. However, your hormones are not going wild. A grumpy woman, angered by silly little things needs TLC. She may object to being touched. Fine, just sit there. Just be there. It will pass. |
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Originally Posted by simoneaugie
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What's TLC?
Loving Care |
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Yeah she is angry and hurt. Give her time man and space at times. It's a hard thing to tip toe around this its never easy.
But you have to let her know its not just her that lost something its you as well. And if it keeps going on. I would tell her to not take everything out on you. Because if she can get away with it she will Regards |
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Comment on TrueFaith's post
I completely agree, good advice!
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Thanks for the answers guys, I thought we managed to get sorted out last night but I was a but I was a bit wrong... after not speaking for most of the day she asked me to go hers in the middle of the night, which I did because I couldn't sleep, the whole time I was there she was hinting to me to stay but I didn't catch on to the hints so when she started falling asleep I said I should go home, but as I got to her front door, I asked her if she wanted me to stay, which she did, so I said I would and completely out of the blue her mood changes completely and she starts to have an argument with me because I was going to do exactly what she wanted me to, so I may have made things worse by insisting I would stay when she'd decided she wanted me to leave and I could see her mood had changed. So yeah now she's not talking to me.. again I've tried all day to get her to talk to me but the most I've gotten is a one word answer when I asked a fairly open question.
I know I should be strong and not take what she's doing personally because she's in a messed up state emtionally but its damn hard when she takes stuff out on me because its what she wanted me to do. |
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Originally Posted by ghandi500
First, off I think you two need to talk. Your girlfriend's emotions are obviously coming into play with this one bigtime, but it also sounds like she has insecurity issues with you going out etc. Did she act this way before the baby deal came along? She probably feels this way towards you, because she wants to blame you for losing the baby, that's her reason for being mad at you, and her needy/ need to becomforted side wants you to be around 24/7. Her emotions from going through losing a baby are probably all out of wack. I know for a guy, you wouldn't think so, but I mean look how women get all emotional and stuff on their period, imagine the body going through the baby process and losing it. So just talk with her. Tell her you will be there for her whenever she needs it, but she needs to express it, and if she doesn't then you can't feel guilty for going out with your friends. If you do go out again, make sure your cell is charged... I used to hate that when my man was out and I wanted or needed to call him and it was dead, women get all worried usually. So I don't know where this is going but I hope it helped. Definitely talk to her. Tell her how you want to be there for her, but at the same time this is a hard moment for you to go through and you need your space/ friend time as well. She will call, let her have her space right now. |
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Originally Posted by ghandi500
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Question, maybe I missed it and if you did address it please by all means diregard this question. Have you expressed to her your feelings towards this loss? I mean your asking how how she feels, did you break down to her? In my opinion Again MY opinion I think it's not about you being there more for her and becoming a door mat, but I think her behavior as I seen it happen time and time again, is that perhaps she is looking for you to express your emotions. And perhaps may see her as the only one going through it.. I know everyone handles situtations differently and some are stronger than others... I just asked this question because when I first got pregnant with my son, I got frustrated at my husband because I didn't feel he was truly as concerned or caring as I was.. He didn't cry like I cried when I found out the news, he wouldn't do the many things I expected him to do, he just said he was happy, and went on with his life while I was overjoyed, and for some reason I resented him for that.. In your case, perhaps she is seeking for you to truly express yourself with the loss, perhaps cry if you need to hug her, it was not only "the Baby" but it should be "our baby".. I think and I could be wrong, Again this is my opinion but perhaps this is why she feels frustrated...
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I know I should be strong and not take what she's doing personally because she's in a messed up state emotionally but its damn hard when she takes stuff out on me because its what she wanted me to do.
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Comment on jolienoire's post
Good observations! There needs to be major communication involved here
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Jolie is spot on! You should express to her your feelings towards the loss. Not in a mean way such as "Hey you're not the only one who lost a baby!" but instead in a more understanding manner like "I know how you feel, I'm going through the same thing."
Here is a piece of advice that I learned in my Gender and Communication class. When women are dealing with a tough situation or are seeking advice they like it when the other person can relate to the situation because they have been through a similar experience. For example, when women communicate with one another, the person giving advice will say something like "I know what you're going through, my husband did the same thing," and consequently the person receiving the advice is more comfortable and doesn't feel like she is being told what to do. Men on the other hand go into problem-solving mode and suggest "It's tough but just do this and things will get better." Therefore, the trick is to use a communication technique normally employed by women in order to make your girlfriend feel comfortable. In short, let her know that you understand her pain because you can relate. You know exactly what she is going through because you are also going through it. Pretty much the same stuff Jolie said, I just wanted to back it up with what I learned in class. |
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Confused25 wanted to give you a greenie but had to spread the rep. But that is exactly what I think the problem is..
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