[jolienoire]

:( My story,

I am usually the one giving advice on this site, but what a lot of people don't know is my story. Last year was a rough year for me, and no one would ever guess because I try to be strong. But today I am in mourning my kids 4&5 cried to me yesterday because they missed their aunt they cried because they couldn't go to her house. My sister passed away last year in October which was only a few months ago. Let me explain the story

Months prior to her passing it seemed we bonded like never before. We grew closer. Because of my work schedule and me being a single parent I needed help with a sitter, being the kids had off in the summer she quit her job to stay with my children. She took care of them from June-August. The bond her and my children had I am glad that they got to know such a wonderful woman. I mean I was so grateful of what she did for me.

Anyway everything was great we grew closer, I knew she would have difficult days and often would not contact me, but it would never be more than one day.

October 6, 2007 I did not know that would be the last time I would see her alive, We had dinner. All of my siblings We laughed, danced. Reminisced about my brother which was weird he died at 25 in October 28, 1996. It was the best day, and best time I had in a while. She even commented how much she loved me and we promised to be there for each other no matter what. I remember those words "we are all we got"

October 7, 2007 My sister slept over from the night prior we really had too much wine so I told her to stay, when I got up to make breakfast she had already left. She didn't tell me bye or where she was going but I didn't think it was a big deal she is 38 years old and clearly don't need to check in with me. But she never showed up for our Sunday dinner.

October 8, 2007. Started getting a little concerned she didn't call me. How dare she not call me and let me know what she was up to and not come to dinner. I figured she was busy and I would def see her or hear from her later on. No word from her. I had this unsettling feeling all day so I called two of my other sisters who also stated they haven't heard or seen her.. They thought she was with me. I told them I haven't seen her since Saturday night and when I woke up in the morning she was gone. We got worried we called every where looking for her. First call to the Police department.. Can't file a missing report until 48 hours "adults tend to go missing" they didn't really help.

October 9, 2007 Still no word from our sister, where could she be? And I had an uneasy feeling all day, shaking, feeling nervous, heart racing, couldn't concentrate at work.. I even left early. When I arrived home I had a card on my door from the Detective office telling me to call. Before I called I immediately contacted my family my mother, brothers, and sisters and asked them if they heard from any detectives they all said no. I let them know that I had a business card from a detective on my door. I knew it wasn't good.
They mentioned my sister name and asked me if I knew her I said yes.. Is she in trouble, they told me to come down to the office. I gather two of my other sisters and we go.


This day changed my life forever...

We went down there and was told that a body was pulled out of the river (WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS why did you take my sister from me) and that she had my address in her pocket along with a wallet, cards, etc, They asked me what she was wearing Saturday and I described her clothes. They asked me if I would be able to look at the body..

I did, it was her... It looked nothing like her, but I could tell by her eyes, and a tattoo that was on her neck of music notes... It was MY SISTER.. That day changed my life forever...

We buried her October 19 2007 almost 2 weeks later for investigation purposes... We don't know what happened to my sister still as of yet, and I don't feel I have any closures.

My kids often bring her up which makes me sooo sad... They cry because they can't go over her house, I cry because I can't call her anymore, and we made our promise to be there for each other. Just when I thought I was healing, I feel the same way I feel as I did on October 9, 2007. The same way... I'm hurting, soooo bad.. No one knows... I love her and miss her dearly... I dream about her, I see people that look like her I cry. I cry sometimes driving in the car when I hear a song she liked... How can someone hurt such a beautiful person..

I miss her, and I just needed to let it out... and want everyone to know NEVER I mean NEVER take anyone for granted...

I thought this would bring my family closer, but we all are drifting apart.. haven't really talked to my other siblings since this happened...


In memory of two of my siblings... Jerry & Tremaine

[HistorianChick]

Oh Jolie, dear. My eyes are weeping for your loss... I am so sorry that you've been bearing this pain, this devastating void. My heart weeps for yours.

When we lose someone that makes up our world, it doesn't seem as shiny, does it? It doesn't seem to hold the same glow or luster that it once did, but rather seems dull and without promise of a shiny tomorrow. It seems as if we'll never be able to pull ourselves out of the dreadful gray-ness of every moment.

But, as you know, as many people have probably told you, one day you will see a sparkle of hope of a day without heartache. One day you'll begin to look at something and see your sister's smile in it. The sun will begin to peek through the clouds and a rainbow will grace your stormy horizon.

I know the pain of losing someone like your sister, someone who is everything to you, someone who is an inspiration, a role-model, a true hero. The one thing that has helped me, despite the still constant heart nudge, is the fact that my special person lives on through me. He is not gone, he is only away for a while, one day I'll see him again... but until that day, I live my life to honor him and his memory.

Maybe it's a wrong way to look at life, but everything I do is for him - when I complete a hard task at work it reminds me that Dad would have been proud of my efforts. When I come through a personal struggle, I'm reminded that he was my greatest cheerleader and it helps me through. When I set goals, its always shooting for the highest possible height because that's what he taught me to do.

My very life is a testimony to his greatness. I am what I am today because of his influence. You, my dear Jolie, have been influenced by your sisters sweetness, her character, her inspiration, and stand in testament to her beauty and grace.

I've been wanting to send you a PM these last few days because you've impressed me. Your factual kindness and pure advice has been amazingly succinct and beneficial as of late. I must say that you own my respect.

It hurts like Hades, I know. But sweet Jolie, you are going to make it. Your tears will make your rainbow. You hurts, your pain, your loss, your bereavement will make your rainbow. For that rainbow of the soul is made up of sunshine and rain... of gladness and sorrow... pain, loss, bliss, and peace.

You will be in my prayers as you take steps on your journey of healing. I'm here if you ever need to chat.

Much love and prayers for peace.
HC

[jolienoire]

Thank you so much HC.. Today I just don't feel like myself. I can't stop crying... I can't even drive by a river or bridge I drive out of my way to come to work just to avoid bridges and rivers... I just want to know what happened to my sister... and until I know I will always have this uneasy feeling. My kids are far too little to understand they talk about her everyday they want to know where she is and why she doesn't call or come to see them.. They were at the service but we had a close casket due to the circumstance. It was on the news, in the papers, I seen video of them pulling her out... IT HURTS so bad... Why did it hit me hard today I don't know...

[HistorianChick]

It has hit you hard today because you love her so much... when we lose someone we love, days don't matter, just getting through them. We never know when it will hit us, when we'll see something and bring the instant tears that are always threatening to rain down. A song, a sight, a sound, a smell, it can be anything... I will pray that these same senses will soon become the bearers of sweet memories, rather than the bringers of tears.

I suggest to you my salvation through my struggle to cope with my loss... I call it my ten-minute-rule. Its very simple, actually, but oh, so vital. Some days I feel like I can't stop crying, can't stop thinking about my loss, can't go on... those are the days when the ten minute rule are most important.

Every day, there are ten minutes just for you. Ten minutes where you can do whatever you need to do to get through. You can cry, scream, weep, kick a punching bag, sing at the top of your lungs, or just sit and remember. Every day, at a certain time, those ten minutes stand waiting for you... having a specific time to deal with your emotions is so crucial. Some days, I live for those ten minutes, but tell myself that I can make it to 4:30. I can get through the day, I can get to my ten minutes, THEN I can break down. I get in my car on the way home and lose it. For TEN minutes. After those ten minutes are over, I fix my make up, get up off my "knees", and go on... until the next day's ten minutes comes... then the cycle starts all over again.

For the first couple years (its been 4), I used those ten minutes every day. But, soon I began to use those ten minutes as a time to sit and remember the amazing, sweet memories of Dad and I... I'd go for a few days not needing my ten minutes, then BAM, one day it would hit me so hard again, that I couldn't reach my ten minutes fast enough. But just KNOWING that they are there...

I submit to you the reality of knowing those ten minutes are there for you. Ten minutes to cry. Ten minutes to remember. Ten minutes... then you go on. It could become a special time with you and your children... every day at a given time, you three sit and remember your sister... you can sing her favorite songs, dance to her favorite music, or just sit and look at pictures.

I know this unknown-ness is killing you... I will pray that you have closure soon. Jolie, you are a strong, beautiful woman - you will make it.

[jolienoire]

That is a great idea and I will do that,. I will try that starting today, I thank you so much for taking time to respond back.. I just needed to share my story.. and I SOO greatly appreciate you chatting with me... You have no idea... Thank you so much...

You're an angel, thank you again...

[HistorianChick]

No thanks are necessary, my friend. If you need anything... you know where to find me.

Oh, one more thing... the song by Superchic... Stand in the Rain... It embodies me and the ten-minute rule.

Much love.

[Allheart]

Jolie,

I am so very sorry. I can't even reach for the words. HC did so beautifully. Bless you and your heart.

I shake for your sadness and want to remove your pain. My heart is yours Jolie... and just know, that I will keep all of you in my prayers and that some of the pain eases.

I do believe for every tear shed, represents how dearly we love the ones that have passed on.

They both were too young, way too young, but I am also a beleiver, that it is indeed the speical ones that are called home early.

They will never know heartache or any pain. I believe they only now have peace.

May God touch your heart with his healing loving hand to help ease your pain.

I found this website that allows you to light a candle for those we have lost. I ran through it myself just to make sure it was okay. It seems a beautiful way to pay tribute to your brother and your sister.

I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss, heartache and pain. Bless you.

About.com: http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm?l=eng&gi=ddb&p=Lighting%20a%20candle%20i s%20a%20sacred%20ritual%20in%20many%20different%20 traditions%20and%20religions%3B%20it%20is%20a%20wa y%20of%20remembering%20a%20way%20of%20healing%20an d%2

[jolienoire]

Thanks allheart the site is in fact great going to forward it to my family.

[kp2171]

So sorry to hear of your pain.

My experience is that in time the pain is less acute, but the "hole" is always, always there.

And this is still so new, so raw... sometimes it takes a few years of passing though holidays, getting though those awful first and second family events without that person, before you are able to come back together again.

Three years ago I was driving my wife's father to an airport. He had come to town to visit his best friend, who was dying of terminal sickness. During the visit, his friend passed. After the funeral he made preparations to return home and I volunteered to drive him a few hours to the better fare airport.

On that trip he told me that some of "the guys"... the boys who meet for coffee each morning at the local store... were having a dispute and weren't talking to each other. Being weighed down by his friend's suffering and impending passing, he told me that he said to them

"We are too short lived and too long gone to live our lives in frustration and anger"

... this from the imposing 6ft 4in big italian man who could burn a hole through steel with his stare.

Six weeks later I found myself standing at a podium in a church, telling this same phrase to the people who had come to pay their respects. The last time id seen him, leaving the car with his luggage, he told me "see you in a few weeks", when he was to come visit while his granddaughter was home from school... but his broken heart failed him, and he passed himself within two weeks.

So... it hurts because its supposed to. The best you can do is live the gift that is your life as best you can, shake off the regrets, miss those you love but cannot be with, and put one foot in front of the other.

Things won't ever be the same, but I think you'll be able to get some contraction, get some closeness back with your family.

[jolienoire]

Thank you all for reading and sharing your thoughts I have made it through the day HC, you are a doll, and I will be keeping you posted on my 10min therapy, ALLHEART, you know what to say, and I may have lost one sister but I gained two more, and KP, you are so caring, Your wife is lucky to have you... You always know what to say, and manage to bring a smile to my face... I really feel better today.. Thank you

[Allheart]

Oh girl, I would love to be your sis - your stuck with me now :).

Just wish that I was your IDENTICAL twin - My beautiful sis :)

Heart, prayers and thoughts are with you now and always.

And you just remember that our loved ones that have passed on, although we can't see them, we can talk to them, and I truly believe that they watch over us closer then they ever could while here.

All my love,
Sis Allheart

[HistorianChick]

Oh Jolie Dear, just like Allheart, I am honored to be your "sis!" I am so thankful my few words helped. I'm proud of you for making it all the way through the day. Its inexplainably hard and I'm so proud. Soon you will be standing and singing through the pain!

Thank you for the beautiful picture... as beautiful as your true, sweet heart.

Much love,
Sis HC

[cerisa]

Jolie, why did you cry alone? You never have to cry alone. The tribute to your handsome brother and beautiful sister has been seen by hundreds here. I am sure they smiled in heaven.

[HistorianChick]

How are you doing today, Jolie Dear? Prayed for you this weekend. :)

[jolienoire]

Actually been doing better been living the 10 min rule, I think my emotions really came about because of the relationship I have with my current siblings, so this weekend, I made it a priority to visit my 2 brothers, and sister, and mother, It made me feel a whole lot better. A whole lot better and of course with the many supportive people her on AMHD, it really helped a bunch...

[HistorianChick]

Good to hear. :)