[sierra98008]

My husband has a 14 yo daughter, who we fought for and won full custody. I have no children in the home. Our little family is very happy for the most part.
My problem is, that my husband and his daughter have a very close bond; the divorce was very hard on both of them, as a divorce is on any family.

Now my question/concern: Some of the behavior that I see going on between them makes me very uncomfortable. When she sits on his lap, his hand on her leg, her arm curled around his neck. At a ball game last night, she moved down to the bench in front of her dad, then leaned back against him, into his legs, his hands rubbing her shoulders her back. This made me very uncomfortable as I looked around the ballpark and saw no other dads/daughters acting this way.

A few weeks ago I spoke to him about her sitting on him, and that it seemed inappropriate to me. His response was, ‘I have always let my kids climb on me, and never have a second thought when she does so’. I explained that she was no longer a little girl, but a beautiful young lady, and that it didn’t’ look very good for her to be hanging all over him like that, especially in public. He has since gently moved her to his side when she attempted to climb on him, but still cuddled with her. Which is beautiful and loving.

But when she leaned back at the game last night resting her back against his crotch, bouncing her crossed legs, her head resting against his stomach, it really bothered me.

I know my husband, and do not think at all that he would ever do anything more than this display of affection towards his daughter, but I guess my question is, how much affection is too much? What is inappropriate? Where is the line drawn?

Thanks in advance…

[N0help4u]

Could she possibly be at an awkward age where she still wants the little kid and not yet into teen stuff? Dad should have a talk with her or give you permission to talk to her. In public at her age it could look strange and people could start saying things.
She most likely will start outgrowing it on her own soon. She is too old to be sitting on his lap especially in public.

[Fr_Chuck]

When did you get custody,? Have you just gotten it.

Did they have much of a relationship in the past, was there a lot of time he did not see her ?

But there is often more touching within varoius cultures of people,
So in the end, I will not make a call on it

[JBeaucaire]

I completely understand your discomfort. I completely understand your concern about things may or may not look, especially in public. He is, after all, your husband, you should feel free to talk to him about anything in a calm, mature manner.

But, having said that, after you mention it once, maybe twice (calm, mature manner, no anger or ultimatums or "how dare you"), after that... butt out. Stay near, stay alert, stay loving, stay close, but butt out.

It is his daughter, and their relationship, like it or not, takes precedence over yours. You're the new wife, she's the old offspring. Let them do what they must.

On the flip side, she will be gone in 5 years, and you won't, so it's all good in the end.

Stay close, stay alert, stay loving, and stay out of it.

[Alty]

Okay, maybe it's just the way I was raised, but I was always very huggy etc with my Dad.
I remember sitting on his lap and giving him a hug well into my teens. We were a very
Affectionate family, and we saw nothing wrong with outward shows of emotion. And
Before you ask, no my father never even looked at me in a way that would be considered
Wrong or dirty.

I can't offer you advice because I don't know what your family is like. Talk to your husband, it sounds like this might just be the way he was brought up and the way that he's brought up his daughter.

[N0help4u]

I have known of families that don't think anything of running around the house naked in front of their parents and brothers and sisters.
I know I would never feel comfortable with that but it is all in family 'customs' I suppose.

[smokedetector]

As long as they aren't breaking any laws, technically they can wow the heck out of strangers. It's not up to them to make sure other people are comfortable with their relationship. They can have whatever kind of relationship they want, and as JB says, the father/daughter relationship will(or should) trump the new wife/husband relationship any day. You can't divorce your daughter or father (at least not biologically, and not easily legally). Your feelings matter, but that is something to discuss with your husband that you two can come to an agreement/compromise on. He is her father, and as such, and with you being the step parent, he is (should be) the person doing most of the punishing, chore assigning, etc. If he agrees, then it is something he needs to take up with her, not you. He is allowed to have whatever relationship (legal) he wants with his daughter. So yes, your opinion matters, or should, to him. If it is such a big deal to you and he ignores you, then you've got bigger problems than a girl sitting on her daddy's lap. Not saying you're right or wrong for feeling this way, because it doesn't really matter what I think in that regard. Good luck.

[smokedetector]

Perhaps you two just have different parenting styles. You obviously have two different views on the subject. You seem more "I set the rules, this is how it is in my house" and he seems more like "you can do what you want, unless its illegal or going to hurt yourself or others." Kind of like the difference between a protective parent and a laid back one. Maybe there is a middle that can be reached?

As for the step parents role, there are also different views on that, and having grown up with 3 step parents, my opinion, based on the way thing were at our house, is that the children respect the step parents, but it is best for the real parents to do the hard core parenting, since at the end of the day, they will always be their parents. Kind of like each parent gets a vote and each step parent gets a half vote. This works both ways, as my step dad would tell us to feed the animals or take out the trash, but if we didn't do it, it was my mom who enforced punishment. For my step brother, my step dad was the one who grounded him, etc. The important "talks" were left up to the parents, not step parents. There is a balance that has to be struck here, and when I was a kid, this worked well for us. Just my opinion, do with it what you may.

As for manners, there are things that are proper, and there are things that are required by law. You don't get put in jail for acting foolishly. However, I do understand what you're saying about needing to raise the girl with a sense of what is and is not appropriate. This is something I would take up with the father, again.

When you say "talks to him like a boyfriend" what exactly do you mean? Could you give a for instance?

[Movinon2012]

I have had a similar situation with my ex boyfriend and his 7 year old daughter (who is mentally and physically not 7 years old as many kids are today). First let me say that I am a mother and understand the love between parent and child. However, during our relationship, I would often get this gut feeling that something was off in their relationship. For example, he would bathe her for a lonnng time and dress her, even though she is capable of and has bathed and dressed herself. I also would find him caressing her in ways that seemed more "lover-like" than parent-like. I blamed myself for having these thoughts and told myself that I was just jealous of their bond. But each time we had her for a weekend and he would bathe her or just watching them interact, I would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can feel the pulses in my head. Suppose this is just innocent. OK. So a few months ago they were at a fast food restaurant ( I was not present) and he sat her on the counter and from his account had each of his hands holding her legs. A few minutes later cops came in and asked him to step out for questions. Apparently 2 different patrons called the police stating that they witnessed inappropriate touching by him. They said his hand was right near her private area. He was brought into the precinct and Dyfss got involved. To this day, I will never really know what transpired. The cops claimed they watched the stores video and could not come up with anything conclusive. While I know that in today's world, there are so many pedophiles, people jump when they see anything that looks amiss. I go by my gut instinct and it continually tells me that something is wrong. I have never spoken out about it to the daughter's Mom but I finally confided in a friend about it because it was disturbing me deeply. I am not accusing, but I know that I have witnessed strange behavior between them that I have never seen between father and daughter before. Ultimately their relationship ruined ours because he would treat her more like his lover when we were together, and I was always the outsider. A woman does not want to feel like this about her man. I hope that my gut feelings are wrong for her sake.