[abwkem21]

Hi, I am adoptee born June 21, 1986 in San Antonio, TX. It was a closed adoption. I recently was given a detailed description about my birthmother and her family. There was a little about my birthfather, but not much. The letter told of her family, background, gave a physical description of her, her other kids, and her education background/hobbies. At the end of the letter, it said she didn't want to give me up for adoption but she felt she had to because she could not afford to have another baby at the time. It said she realized she could have aborted me, but chose the loving option of adoption instead.

My adoptive parents were reluctant to give this letter to me. I'm 21, and I had no clue this letter existed. My whole life when doctors asked my family's medical history, I had to tell them I didn't know because I was adopted. In the letter, it was briefly mentioned my biological mother's family had a history of diabetes. I was a little upset my parents didn't mention this to me when I was going through blood tests the past 2 years to figure out why my glucose levels were off. I also get the feeling they know more about my birthmother than they have told me, because they hestiate to answer my questions and have slipped information by- such as, they paid for her hysterectomy after I was born and for all her prenatal vitamins, medical bills, etc. I am almost 22, and they do not need to be hiding things from me. Ive told them this, and they get upset.

Additionally, my mom has told me that she was told my birthmother didn't want me to come find her when I was an adult- because it was too emotionally difficult for her to see the baby girl she gave away. I am dying inside! I want to search for my birthmother/birthfather/sisters/brothers.. I would not want to hurt my birthmother in doing this, though. I am conflicted because she is not the only one who is hurt by it, either. I am hurt because I feel like I NEED to see the person who gave me life and any biological family I have. If she or my birthfather do not want anything to do with me, that is fine because they are not my parents. My mother and father are the woman & man who raised me, who were there for me during my first heartbreak, who saw me walk across the stage at graduation, who continue to support me through college, and who gave my fiancé their blessing for him to marry me.

I am just curious and feel like I need this HUGE door in my life closed- that would require finding any birthfamily that I can.

Any advice on what to do and how to go about it?

[Synnen]

First off, it sounds like your adoptive parents are afraid--afraid that you'll search, and love your birthmom more than you love them. It's a silly thing, when you look at it from perspective, but it's HUGE when you're standing right in the middle of it.

Write them a letter. Tell them that you KNOW they are your "real" parents, but that there is a hole in you that needs this information, and that they could help you fill it by giving you any info that they have.

As far as starting a search--well, a LOT of things, including emotions, change in 22 years. Check your adoption records at the courthouse, and see if any information has been left for you. This may cost some money, but not an exhorborant amount. Next, check with the adoption agency used, for the same thing. Again, this might cost money, it might not. Now--you have the option of leaving contact information for YOU at those same places, in case your birthmom starts a search.

Start registering on search sites (I know adoption.com has one, but there are hundreds of others--just Google it) with any information you have. If there is a match, you may be given contact information.

I highly suggest that your first contact be either through a third party, or by letter. That gives you BOTH some time to adjust.

Lastly--there are a lot of adoptees out there with the same feelings you have. Hundreds of books have been written about it. Try checking some of those books out at the library, and possibly sharing them with your adoptive parents, to help them see what you are going through and feeling. Sometimes adoptive parents get the feeling that if they had been "enough" then you wouldn't need to search--when really, the search has nothing to do with them.

Good luck!