[mullins7040]

Hi this is my first time using this site so here I go, my husband and I have been married for 5 years we have yours, mine, and ours. 5 al together. The first year of our marriage his kids mother came to him 6 months into it and says this is your daughter. Killer. I said a lot of mean things, and his kids mother and I don't talk, we've had words before, not good ones. He hasn't seen his kids in 3 years. Every time he calls and ask can he get them she says no. or lay and say yes and don't come. We have moved 1100 miles away for my job. Now I'm being blamed that it's my fault he has no relationship with his kids, and he thinks I should call her and said let's be friends. Sort of speak. He is always throwing in my face that he is going to leave me and the kids that live with us 2 mine and 1 ours, to move back so that he can have a relationship with his kids. I'm at the point where I'm saying BYE. Am I wrong, should I be calling her Help

[startover22]

Wow, this is really hard. You have babies with him, so my advice to you is not to do anything that is going to take your "together" babies away from him. That would be very unfair. On another note, he is right! Although he should have told you no a long time ago when you said you wanted to move. This is a no win situation, if you all can come together like adults and quit the mean talk and the fighting, the kids may just be able to come out winners. What I think I would do is get all three adults together, sit and talk whether it be via email a three way or something that he can have his say, she can have hers, and you can have yours, you know what I mean... Anyway find a meeting place, work together so all of you can get there just a bit easier and be with the kids, be there for them, you, him and her.
YOu need to start on getting in the same dang city or at least the same state, I say that would be your first step... even if you decide to leave, I think that would be the best advice for you. I don't think you are working hard enough to keep what is yours, your life, your husband, your kids, his kids... I say think about being a little nicer and trying a little harder to make him happy too, turn the table and wonder how you would feel more than a thousand miles away!

The result is that you got to call her and not say anything bad, just plain ole ask her how can we work together to make this easiest on the kids and have all of us involed... Good luck and hugs, you have a long road ahead!

[startover22]

Mullins, I just re-read my post, I seem a little harsh and I am sorry for that. I just wish the best for your family, breaking up even more kids is just not going to solve the problem. Do you have a good communication level with him? Can you write him a letter to tell him about your feelings so they don't come out in anger?
Can you write her a letter? I hope it all works out! Hugs!

[startover22]

[QUOTE=mullins7040][QUOTE=startover22]

Hey, You know I think that alot you said is correct. But what I didn't mention is that we all sat down with Her pastor and came up with visitation hrs and all that, but my husband didn't keep up on his end. I moved from SC to TX, there is not room for growth there. I was making 15,000 a year and doing the same job here Im making 29,000. So you think I was unfair, he wanted to move as much as me, he pushed me out there. Before I met him you couldn't pay me to leave home. She really still thinks there is a chance for them to be a family, she know how he love his kids, they are 5 & 4 their not in school so we asked if we could keep them for a month drove 600 miles to meet her and she didn't come. The whole way driving there she kept saying I'm on my way too. I think that I'm just tired of the fact that everytime we have argument, this comes up or he tells me I don't like his kids and I should have a relationship with them, well how can I when he doesn't have a relationship with them. Yes I love my Husband I don't know where I would be without him. Yes I want my marriage to work I just don't like being treated like the "Villian" when it come to my step kids. We not going to get on his mother issue, she and his kids mother are best friends so she tells me I can't come in here house and all that stuff. What am I to do, move back to a state of poverty, and have my kids live a poverty life just so he can be close to some kids that she is not going to let him see as long as we are together or let him go that way he can have a relationship with all of his kids? HELP!!! I'm struggling:confused: :confused: :confused:

I am posting this response for her. She may need a few more suggestions so I thought it would be nice to just keep it here on the thread rather than in a PM... thanks for your permission Mullins.

[startover22]

Mullins, if you scroll down there will be an empty box to use to reply to all of the posters here that respond to your post. Or if you just have something to add so it gives us all more info to use to help you get throguh this very hard time, you can use the Quote user button under the blank box used for writing your reply... I wasn't sure if you knew that or not, so I am just trying to help you get a good experience while you use this site for help!

[startover22]

Mullens, what ever you do, you and your husband need to come to terms, an agreement before you can take any steps. How about having a talk to figure only that part out and then take it from there. Ask him exactly what he wants from you and what he expects from you. Do you have any options of moving besides the money and I know it hurts to lose money, but would it be better to have the money or to be where the kids are. Just a few thoughts, and I suppose others will have more, I just hope you can start with a good good talk with him, so you guys can come up with a plan.:)

[NowWhat]

He may show his anger at you because he can't show it to the mom. Surely he sees what you see. Not showing up when scheduled, the lies, etc.

Before you can work things out with her, you need to work things out with him. Lines of communication need to be open. He needs to understand that your frustration is not about the kids, it's about the treatment he is getting from her.
He needs to stop blaming you for things you can not control.

And I would imagine it isn't easy for you to hear that he is going to leave one of his kids for the others. That does send an unpleasant message. I could see why resentment would be there.

You need to talk - bottom line.

[NowWhat]

Okay, I have a question. You had said that you have been married for 5 years. His kids with her are 5 and 4. Are they products of an affair with this woman?

If so, that would explain a lot of what seems to be hostility.

[mullins7040]

Mullens, what ever you do, you and your husband need to come to terms, an agreement before you can take any steps. How about having a talk to figure only that part out and then take it from there. Ask him exactly what he wants from you and what he expects from you. Do you have any options of moving besides the money and I know it hurts to lose money, but would it be better to have the money or to be where the kids are. Just a few thoughts, and I suppose others will have more, i just hope you can start with a good good talk with him, so you guys can come up with a plan.:)

Well, Okay My computer was down over the weekend. He decided he needed a break so as of Sat he has been back in SC. Yes I was very upset b/ to me it was like he is turning his back on me let alone our family. He said at first he wasn't going to come back. He called last night and asked if I would take him back but I told him that I had to think about it. I mean he quit his job, wants to stay for about 3 weeks and then come back to me and my kids. In the mean time though I have to maintain for my kids on my own. I mean I have to be late to work now to get them off to school and day care. Well he was working 2nd and I 1st so that we didn't have daycare. But now I have to pay 154 for my son to go. He has really put our family in a bind. I'm really at the point where If I can get through this I can make it own my own all the time. I feel he chose that life over his family. I'm really hurting today guys, I mean I've been there for my husband when everyone turn there back on him. Why, because as his wife that is what I was suppose to do. But now who has my back? I live here no family no friends, just me and my kids. Should I let him come back in three weeks? HELP! :mad:

[mullins7040]

Okay, I have a question. You had said that you have been married for 5 years. His kids with her are 5 and 4. Are they products of an affair with this woman?

If so, that would explain alot of what seems to be hostility.

No my kids are 5,6,4 his kids are 5 and 4. His son that is 5 was there when we got married. His daughter that is 4 was born in Aug of 2003. We were married in July of 2003, we meet in may of 2003. My 5 & 6 year old are from a prev relationship. Of course or son that is 4 just turned 4 in Feb 2008. So no when I meet him they had just broken up and we dated for 3 months and then got married afterwhich she told him she was pregnant with their daughter.

[NowWhat]

Wow, this is a hard one. He seems to have made a choice, didn't he? I know you must be going out of your mind right now.

If he just up and left you with 3 kids - I would think long and hard before I let him come back. Changes need to be made. If he comes back, what changes are there going to be? Is he going to contiune to threaten to leave? Blame you for his lack of relationship with the other 2 kids?

He has not been fair to you at all. He has essentially abandoned his family. Did he even think about what this would do to his other child? Did he not feel he had a responsibility to this child as well?

I would think long and hard about this. If you love him and think you can make it work - then consider it. If you think you can have him back and give your kids the stable home they deserve - then consider it.

Just remember that, as parents, we set the example of what adulthood looks like. When you are in the middle of it - stop and ask yourself this question - "Is this the life I want for my kids when they grow up?"
They learn by seeing. You are holding up this relationship and saying this is what marriage looks like - is that the image you want to them to see?

You have an opportunity right now to change your life. To get off the emotional rollercoaster or decide to stay on. If you have been unhappy - now is the time to make it better.

Sometimes we have to walk down the roads of hell to make a better life for ourselves and our kids. Raising three kids alone is not going to be easy - as scary as that is, don't fall in the trap of a bad marriage because you don't want to do it alone.

If you can make your marriage a happy, healthy one - then you should go for it. If you can't - well...

I don't know if I would let him move back after 3 weeks. Why 3 weeks? If he wants to come back - why is he waiting?
You could tell him that if he wants this to work - then come back - but he needs to find his own place until this can be worked out. Don't just open your home up to him or your bed.

[mullins7040]

Wow, this is a hard one. He seems to have made a choice, didn't he? I know you must be going out of your mind right now.

If he just up and left you with 3 kids - I would think long and hard before I let him come back. Changes need to be made. If he comes back, what changes are there going to be? Is he going to contiune to threaten to leave? Blame you for his lack of relationship with the other 2 kids?

He has not been fair to you at all. He has essentially abandoned his family. Did he even think about what this would do to his other child? Did he not feel he had a responsibilty to this child as well?

I would think long and hard about this. If you love him and think you can make it work - then consider it. If you think you can have him back and give your kids the stable home they deserve - then consider it.

Just remember that, as parents, we set the example of what adulthood looks like. When you are in the middle of it - stop and ask yourself this question - "Is this the life I want for my kids when they grow up?"
They learn by seeing. You are holding up this relationship and saying this is what marriage looks like - is that the image you want to them to see?

You have an opportunity right now to change your life. To get off the emotional rollercoaster or decide to stay on. If you have been unhappy - now is the time to make it better.

Sometimes we have to walk down the roads of hell to make a better life for ourselves and our kids. Raising three kids alone is not going to be easy - as scary as that is, don't fall in the trap of a bad marriage because you don't want to do it alone.

If you can make your marriage a happy, healthy one - then you should go for it. If you can't - well....

I don't know if I would let him move back after 3 weeks. Why 3 weeks? If he wants to come back - why is he waiting?
you could tell him that if he wants this to work - then come back - but he needs to find his own place until this can be worked out. Don't just open your home up to him or your bed.

You know I really think you have been placed in my life at this moment for a reason. And you know what, you are right I thought about it yesterday. I thought about all the things that we have been through, and I said to myself, would I want my kids in a relationship as mine. My daughter she is the oldest and you know what she ask me yesterday, she is 6 and she said you know mommy I don't like daddy right now, (this is his step daughter) and I said why and she said because he left me, and now you are sad. I said would you want him to move back she said no, he can come back to Texas but not to live with us. I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. I'm like darn my 6 year old got more guts than I do. In a way your're right, I don't want to do this alone. I'm so use to having him around. How do I do it, what am I suppose to do with out him?

[NowWhat]

Let's "bottom line" this.

Are you HAPPY with him? Does he make you feel loved and special? Does he make you feel important?

If you answered "No" - then ask yourself this
Do I want him back because of fear? Am I afraid to do this alone?

If you answered "Yes" - then I think you know the answer.

We are so much stronger than we let ourselves believe we are. You can do this alone. You are capable. You need to learn how to make yourself happy. You need to learn how to rely on yourself first.
Don't rely on another person to make you happy. It won't work.

[mullins7040]

Let's "bottom line" this.

Are you HAPPY with him? Does he make you feel loved and special? Does he make you feel important?

If you answered "No" - then ask yourself this
Do I want him back because of fear? Am I afraid to do this alone?

If you answered "Yes" - then I think you know the answer.

We are so much stronger than we let ourselves believe we are. You can do this alone. you are capable. you need to learn how to make yourself happy. You need to learn how to rely on yourself first.
Don't rely on another person to make you happy. It won't work.

Thank You. It's like yes I know that I'm a woman, and I'm built to be strong. I guess It really is just fear. Yes he use to make me feel special, he use to treat me like I was truly a queen. But these last couple months I have really been like his enemy. I'm tired of that though so I guess I have to do what is right. For me and my kids.

[startover22]

Mullins, she is right you know...
This is your chance, you need to take a good long honest look at how things are now. If you are honest with yourself you will find the answer. I see you are unhappy, I am so sorry. But right now your main concern should be "how can I make the kids life stable?"
Do you think if you lay down your concerns, will he foolow through to some changes? Will you for him? THAT is the hardest part, changing for someone who also needs to change.
I find that when I think of a bad situation, I think of how I could change it, not the people "so to speak" in the situation, but what step can I take to make it better. I hope to see you writing some pros and cons for him staying...
Write things down, take some time later tonight to sit quietly after the kids are gone, you can't wait too long sweet heart, you got to stay on top of things or it can spiral out of control, OK? Hugs!

[mullins7040]

Mullins, she is right you know....
This is your chance, you need to take a good long honest look at how things are now. If you are honest with yourself you will find the answer. I see you are unhappy, I am so sorry. But right now your main concern should be "how can I make the kids life stable?"
Do you think if you lay down your concerns, will he foolow through to some changes? Will you for him? THAT is the hardest part, changing for someone who also needs to change.
I find that when I think of a bad situation, I think of how I could change it, not the people "so to speak" in the situation, but what step can I take to make it better. I hope to see you writing some pros and cons for him staying.....
Write things down, take some time later tonight to sit quietly after the kids are gone, you can't wait too long sweet heart, you gotta stay on top of things or it can spiral out of control, ok? Hugs!

Thank You, I will do that tonight. Sit down and look at my pros and cons of him coming back. Since this happen I feel like I'm convient for him, because he know how I feel and that I will do anything for him. It's just so much that we have gone through and facing, I know that I need to keep my kids life stable. I told myself the same thing. I can't keep allowing him to come in and out of our lives this way. I mean in year 2 we split for about 6 months and when I had finally got over him, he wanted us to work it out. I just love him so much. He is all I know, I know that I have to over come that, but how?:confused: :p :(

[startover22]

Hey Mullins, promise yourself one thing though...
If you do decide to say apart...
Through this whole thing, never deny your kids the right to their father, no matter how much anger there is between the two of you, don't deny him nor them each other.

If you decide to let him come back (which very well coulod work if you are both willing to make it through this) Just be as honest as you can with each other, you should be able to tell him what bothers you and you should be letting him do the same. These are most always two way streets... I found that when we can actually say what we mean and not just say something to avoid other things, life flows a little better and it also brings a little more meaning!
I would love to hear back on how you are doing every step of the way, and if you ever just want to rant... you can do it here. "we got your back" :)

[jasmine_rezzag]

It is not you who said he can't see his children! You can help him to get chances to stay relationship with his children,but first of all he should talk with his ex,there should be some problem between his wife and him,but it seems he does not think so,he thought it is all your fault.He want to move back to have a relationshipment with his kids,then how about your kid?you have a kid with him as well.do your kid does not mean anything to him?what a man! His decision is totally unacceptable!it is not the way to solve problem!

[talaniman]

we were married in July of 2003, we meet in may of 2003.

Gee whiz, you essentially fell in love, and married as strangers. That you have lasted this long is a miracle. Most of your problem it seems is he jumped from one woman, to another so fast, he didn't handle his old baggage well at all, and now its creating chaos with two families. Unless he goes through the courts, and gets his visitation, child support, and anything else set in writing, for all to follow, he can never move forward, and will be a jerk, blaming you for his inability to handle his business. I hope you tell him that, and refuse to let him back in your life, until he does. That in itself will relieve a lot of the confusion, and hard feelings, as everyone will know what is expected of them, and what they should do. Only then can you even consider him be back in your life, and ready to be a real father and husband. His actions have basically put two households in jeopardy, and that is unacceptable. He may bear a lot of the responsibility here, but you two females have hardly helped with good advice, or the needed support, for the benefit of the children, and need to do so now. I can only wish you luck in putting your lives together, at least for the children.

[mullins7040]

Gee whiz, you essentially fell in love, and married as strangers. That you have lasted this long is a miracle. Most of your problem it seems is he jumped from one woman, to another so fast, he didn't handle his old baggage well at all, and now its creating chaos with two families. Unless he goes thru the courts, and gets his visitation, child support, and anything else set in writing, for all to follow, he can never move forward, and will be a jerk, blaming you for his inability to handle his business. I hope you tell him that, and refuse to let him back in your life, until he does. That in itself will relieve a lot of the confusion, and hard feelings, as everyone will know what is expected of them, and what they should do. Only then can you even consider him be back in your life, and ready to be a real father and husband. His actions have basically put two households in jeopardy, and that is unacceptable. He may bear a lot of the responsibility here, but you two females have hardly helped with good advice, or the needed support, for the benefit of the children, and need to do so now. I can only wish you luck in putting your lives together, at least for the children.

Just would like to say that my husband and I are back together, and we are communicating very well. For the past month things have been great, we laugh more, we talk about the kids (all of them) Things are going pretty good right now I must say. We both are in the church more and that of course has been a real help. Thank you all for all of your words of wisdom and support