[NotSuperwoman]

My 23 year old son hates me, and I don't know how to repair this. When I got pregnant with him by my live-in boyfriend, I was expected to get an abortion. When I refused, and kept him after the birth, my boyfriend went into hiding to evade child support. He did make a couple attempts to get back together, but since he was an alcoholic and had hit me when I was pregnant, I refused. I told my friends, coworkers and non-immediate family that we HAD married, to spare my son and myself the humiliation. It was a different time, and my family is very religious.
I raised my son on my own, with no family close by, and a demanding job. I work at a hospital, in an area that requires taking call. The money was good, and I found decent daycare and sitters. My son did become very attached to me, but I tried to encourage his independence. He was also diagnosed with ADHD, and Severe Behavioral Disorder, requiring him to attend a special class for most of his education. He finally quit going to school. His father finally made contact when my son was nine, but despite my encouragement, they never build a relationship.
When my son got older, he went for his GED, and began taking college courses after passing. He found a girlfriend, and the real problem started after he went to see his father to remind him that he had promised to pay for college. My ex promptly told my son that we were never married. When he returned, he went ballistic that I had lied to him about our being married, which to him was for selfish reasons. I have apologized over and over, and tried to explain why, but he still brings it up whenever he's upset about something else.
He gets extremely angry and verbally abusive. He claims I did it only for myself, and not also for him, which is so untrue. I have bent over backwards to raise this son, and loved him so much, but he discounts all this, and says that I should have aborted him. He blames me for leaving him to go to work, for choosing an alcoholic for his father, giving him Ritalin at my doctor's advice, and trying to give him money to help with his room and board. This is his last email to me:

"You choose an alcoholic as a father. No wonder you had a ed up kid.

You made a choice to raise a child on your own, depriving a boy of his
father. No wonder he has no respect for the concept of family.

When that boy asked where his father was, you fabricated stories to
keep him in the dark. No wonder he questions your honesty, if you feel
it's ok to lie if you decide you know what's best for him.

When you worked long hours, you left him alone to fend for himself. No
wonder he feels alone.

When he didn't do well in school, you gave him harsh drugs with side
effects that may still linger, 15 years later. No wonder he's
depressed.

It doesn't matter if you did the best you could, you made a choice,
and that boy suffered."

I know I need counseling, and so does he, but he puts off going to anyone.

[twinkiedooter]

He's trying to dump on you his inadequacies. Don't let him do it. You did the best you could under the circumstances. I applaud you that you chose not to marry the drunk. I applaud you that you chose to keep your son and try and give him a good life. He's angry about the Ritalin as that does mess up a child's mind from all that I have read about it. I chose not to give that to my son and he turned out okay without it. Don't fall into his trap. He needs to understand that you loved him and wanted him here on this earth to be your son. You should have told him that you were not married to the dad for a good reason. Lying only makes people angry and I do see his point. He should be happy though knowing he does have a dad as most kids don't even know who their real bio dad is in some cases. Let him stew. Just be the loving mom you've always been and it may take awhile for him to come around - but he will come around when he sees that what you did was for HIS sake and benefit.

[darhe3425]

Don't ever forget that you are, and have the sole person to provide life for your son. Maintain your position of leader, and do not allow your son to verbally abuse you. It might be difficult, however distance may be what is needed for him to mature into a son who has some understanding about the complexities of life. You definitely did what any good mother would do: raised your child despite the absence of an abusive mate. I recommend you apologize no more, and begin to expect one from your son, he needs a good wake up call, because his disloyalty to you is seemingly without merit. Please keep your chin up;/

[Alty]

One day he'll have children of his own and then he'll realize that it's not as easy as he thinks. We all make mistakes, kids don't come with a hand book.

You did the best you could, and in my opinion you did better than most. We all lie, come on, not one person on this site can say they haven't lied to their kids. Ex: the Easter bunny is coming tomorrow, put your tooth under your pillow and the tooth fairy will bring you money, and, Santa can see you so you better be good. We tell these lies because they're children, and they should have magic in their lives. You told your son lies for a more noble purpose, to keep him from feeling pain.

If he can't see everything you've done for him then he needs to grow up. Maybe try counselling for the both of you and get it all out in the open. Don't sugar coat it, tell him exactly what happened. And then tell him that he has no right to judge until he's walked a mile in your shoes.

You did the best you could, and you did well. Don't beat yourself up, it's his problem, not yours.

Good luck.

[NotSuperwoman]

Thank you, everyone for your kind answers. They really made me feel a lot better. He's very good at manipulating me, it seems. I will try to pursue the therapy angle, too.

[justcurious55]

Sounds like you were a great mother and did the best you could. Whether he ever realizes that. Even though counselng would probably help both of you he's too old for you to make him go so you can only take care of yourself right now and hope that someday he can come to realize that whether your choices were truly the best you made them with the best of intentions out of love for him and that's all that can be asked of you.

[darhe3425]

I wish you all the best NotSuperwoman, you deserve it. Keep us posted for how things develop for you.

[twinkiedooter]

I just re-read your OP and I think I found what is really bothering him. It's the fact that the father had promised to pay for his college and didn't. Now he's taking out his anger and frustration on you. He should have taken out his anger on the father, but chose you instead. I wish he could really see what a drunk promises and delivers are two different things. You delivered all his life for him and the drunk did not.

[justcurious55]

I think twinkiedooter is onto something. I hadn't thought about that before either. It's not right, but we often take anger out on the wrong people