[Alty]

It's true, and I know I should have told my parents, but I didn't. I was to ashamed, I didn't want them looking at me differently. I know now that they would have understood, I know they would have done everything in their power to help me get through it, but when you're young you sometimes feel that you have no where to turn.

The only reason I was able to post this is that I didn't have to look all of you in the eye. I didn't have to see your faces react to what I had to say. It's allot easier to handle the shame when you don't have to face anyone with it.

Eira - I'm so sorry that you had to go through this as well. It's strange isn't it, that the fact that we are female and were molested by a female makes such a big difference in how we handle the abuse. My heart goes out to you, if you ever need to talk I'm here, maybe we can help each other heal.

[Alty]

I'm now treating this thread like a Diary.

I've thought allot about this post since I wrote it yesterday, I'm still in shock over the amount of support that I received from all of you, once again, Thank you.

It's weird, I was thinking about this and I truly feel like two different people, the woman I am now and the child I was then, that child is a different person, somehow I haven't let her connect to me, become a part of me, yet she's always there. Even though I try to push her away, I don't want to feel her pain, I still find myself embracing her somehow even while I'm pushing. She's trying to get in and I've spent 32 years of my life pushing her away. Maybe the next step is to accept her as a part of me, let her have a voice, a voice that she couldn't find back then, I don't know.

I'm not able to explain in words how I feel, it's just all still so new, even though it's so old. Yesterday was a changing day, there aren't as many tears today, but they have shown up on occasion. It's weird to be crying over this, I haven't allowed myself to cry about it in a long time. That's allot of tears that I've been holding back, it's just strange that they all came pouring out when all I did is write down my story. Well, one step at a time.

I told hubby that I'd like to find a good therapist that I can talk to about this. It's time that I found a way to deal with this, to let it all out and find a way to deal with it. Obviously keeping it quiet for 32 years hasn't done the trick, it's time that I find out what will, it's time for me to give that little girl a voice!

[O_Troubles]

I don't know you but you story is amazing. The fact that you didn't give in to the abuse and you stood strong is beautiful. In school when people ask you who your role model's are and people say madonna or britney spears they should think about people like you who share there storys or other real hero's

[Alty]

O_Troubles. Thank you, your kind words mean allot to me. I still can't believe how many people are standing beside me and helping me through this. Thanks.

[Alty]

Another Day, the weeping is slowing down to a level that I can tolerate. I talked to my friend today, the one that I told about this a long time ago. I told her that I posted my story on this site, she thinks that it will help.

This has been a very cathartic experience, I'm actually glad that I took this step, I really wasn't sure that I had done the right thing.

Anyway, I know you are all busy, I don't expect any replies. Take care all of you and thanks again to those that gave me the support that I needed. I'll update once in a while.

[HistorianChick]

We love you Alty...

I'll never be too busy to chat if you need it. I'm a great mulit-tasker :)

[startover22]

I think you did the right thing Alty, is there more you would like to share love? If so then you already started this good process and if you want to finish it, you can just keep on going. It is good to type out your thoughts anyway, and if you wanted to add anything that would be fine too. You are doing good, and you are the type probably not to cry everyday but it does bring some long forgotten emotions up... let them flow if needed. You are really courageous, and please keep it up, IT IS GOOD FOR YOU!

[Allheart]

Hi Alt -

You took a very brave step - very brave. And one in the right direction. Alt you really should keep going in that direction.

I was not sexually abused, but physically and emotionally. Anything that harms our spirit as a child, I just learned myself (last week in fact) really needs to be addressed.

Start slow, because I worn you, between the fear of opening up, and the actual pain, it won't be a party.

Get a journal. Seriously. I just got one yesterday and I write down how I feel today, now.

I always thought past pain, should stay in the past and it makes you stronger, gives you character and makes you grateful for the little things. All of which it does.

But what not dealing with it does also do (and having a wonderful husband is a blessing - and I thank God that you do, but, now be honest, how does it feel when hubby "hurts your feelings"? It's bound to happen, there men :) Just kiddn. But at least for me, as I am getting older, the pain is making me not be able to function. So now, I have to stand tall alone, knowing that my loving and wonderful husband and family and friends are there, but I have to heal the little girl inside of me. Have to.

I am more then sorry you went through this and trying to contain my anger. But I bet your cousin wasn't well herself. And you know what??

It's NOT about her, it's not about me, it's not even about wonderful hubby now, it's about you Alt. YOU and only you.

It's time to start healing you. Get a journal and consider a therapist.

Not saying that our situations are the same, or even that I am right but at least get a journal and write in it every day.

In my thoughts and prayers Alty.

Bless you and I am so proud of you - I truly am.

[Alty]

Thanks guys, Allheart I'm so glad you posted, I was actually going to send you a private message asking if you had read my post and if you found it so disgusting that you wanted nothing more to do with me. I should have know better, but I just feel so much shame and embarrassment. I can't believe that thought ever even crossed my mind. Alty bad.

I would like to start a journal, but I'm so afraid that one day when I'm gone my kids will find it. I don't ever want them to know about this, the least I can do is keep my pain away from them, they deserve that innocence, I don't want those skeletons to be revealed to them.

I did talk with hubby about finding a good therapist for me to talk to. I don't know if I'm ready to take that step, but I know that it would be a good thing for me to do.

I feel so weighed down by all this, more so these last few months then I ever have in my life. I think this is all weighing so heavy on my mind right now because my daughter is five. I look at her and think, wow, I was that age when this happened to me, I was that sweet and innocent, if it can happen to me, it can happen to her. That realization brought this all back. I really thought that I'd successfully buried it, but apparently I didn't dig deep enough.

Maybe it's time to let it all out, talk to a therapist and see if I can find a way to put this to rest once and for all. Or at least to find a way to accept that little 5 year old that I was and let her become a part of me, I never have, you see I tried to bury her along with the memories, I didn't want to admit that she is me, I think it's time I did.

Talking about this does help. And you are right Allheart, this is about me, it's time I realized that, it's also time that I stop thinking about the what if's and the could have beens and accept that there is nothing that I can do to change the past, only the future is in my hands.

Thanks All.

[startover22]

There is no shame in this Alty, you are not to feel ashamed. You can't, it wasn't your fault sweet heart. If you look at it in anothers view and not your own, like if it were someone else that this happened to, what would you tell them...
Then you tell yourself those very words, it will all turn around and I think it is definitely time you get it all out! Good luck and we are all here to back you. You get that journal and youhide it somewhere you and only you know where to look for it...

[Synnen]

A therapist will help.

But so will keeping a journal.

I have a friend that has kept journals for YEARS. Every fall, she burns them. You don't have to KEEP the journal, though it's good to read back through and see how far you've come. But it's good to get your thoughts and feelings down for no one but yourself to read. You can also get a lock box that your kids can't get into, and just make sure that when you don't NEED a journal for yourself anymore, that you destroy it.

You can ALSO keep a journal online, password protected, and just never give ANYONE else the password. You can keep that journal completely private from the public and your friends, and use a username that can't be connected to you.

I think keeping a journal is a great idea. I've been sporadic about keeping one myself, but whenI do write, it's usually in the form of a letter to myself, or to someone that is hurting me somehow, or someone who thrills me (my husband has DOZENS of those letters) If, after a year or so, I re-read it and don't like it, or wouldn't want to say that to someone I love (or hate), I pull that letter out and burn it. The others I leave for people when I'm gone.

Alt.. you've taken the first baby steps through the door. Let that little girl out of her closet--she's been there long enough. A good therapist will help you with that, and many work on sliding scale fees.

[Alty]

Wow, when you said to give myself the advice that I would give to others that really opened my eyes. You're right, if I read this post and it was someone else other that me than my advice would be exactly what you all are telling me.

It's funny isn't it, I always have advice for others, it may not always be what they want to hear but it's always what I feel they need to hear, I'm not usually one to back down, yet I'm taking a backseat to my own problem.

Thank you Starty, that really hit home.

[Alty]

Synnen, you're right. I have left that little girl alone in the dark for far too long, and she's so very afraid of the dark. I've got to find a way to let her in so that we can both be the person that we're meant to be (no, I don't have a split personality, do we? Joke) I've been holding the door of that closet shut for so long, it's tiring, it's exhausting, I just have to let her out, and I have to find a way to accept her for who she is and was, after all she's a part of me, a large part of me, she is me.

This has all been so strange, it's like being hit by a truck, one that you saw coming down the road straight for you, and you've dodged and dodged hoping that you won't get hit, but you don't have the sense to get off the road out of it's path. I guess I needed to finally stop dodging, and even though it hurts, it was inevitable that I'd get hit sooner or later.

Your advice has been great, all of you, I honestly don't know what I would do without any of you, I'm so glad that I found all of you, I consider you friends, I hope that's okay.

[HistorianChick]

Dear, Sweet, Alty... of course its OK. You've already been named a friend-o'-mine a long time ago... I think it was about 90 pages ago, actually.

I am so blessed that you'd call me a friend. Thank you for trusting us so much to share your secrets and unburden your heart. You truly are being polished and shined - I cannot wait to see the beautiful gem that results from your process of healing.

Much love

[Alty]

You guys are the best, and I can't begin to tell you how much you all mean to me.

Allheart, you should come say hi on HC's coffee, coffee, coffee site, it's always good for a giggle, sure keeps me going.

Thanks again everyone, one million thanks for all of your support, it really means so much, I can't say it enough.

[Allheart]

Alty, I am so sorry. No never not ever. You hear me. I would have thought the same thing. And I will tell you just where I was I promise to the heavens or why I didn't reapsond, but this is

Alt time and you were in the best of hands. I love you -

I am so releieved that you now know it was more of a matter of me arriving so to speak, and no refelction on you whatsoever.

Be proud of who you are and shine.

Get that journal and heal that girl.

Okay Alty. I love you. 4 Ever.

[Allheart]

P.S. AND BY THE WAY... NEVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE Anyone the right or privilege to judge you, persecute you, treat you poorly or think of you poorly, for they are not worth having that control.

That is yours. DO NOT GIVE IT AWAY.

Sorry for the Caps :)

[startover22]

Uh, Allheart, you know kung fu? If you don't then thank goodness cause you are scaring me...
You are such a sweet genuine woman Allheart. AND you are right, we should never let anyone jusdge us or treat us poorly! You are so right!

[Allheart]

Thanks Start - but when I care for someone, and I feel their pain... my tongue is the only weapon I need.

:).

But it's true.

[startover22]

Thanks Start - but when I care for someone, and I feel their pain...my tongue is the only weapon I need.

:).

but it's true.

And it sure does work!
Alty, did you hear Allheart? :)