Check out some similar questions!

horsesfarm · Mar 16, 2008, 10:06 AM

First I would like to say that my partner and I are male gay parents of 6 children whom we adopted through the foster care program. We have had great success with 4 of these children, all of them teens and young adults. The one I am concerned about is now 18 and thinks he owns the house and can do anything he wants. He is down right nasty at times and is very disrespectful most of the time. The question I have is how much of this as parents have to put up with? He also thinks it is our responsibility to feed,house, and buy things for him. He is a twin and his brother is the complete opposite so his brother gets allot farther with our support. He thinks we should do the same for him and can not see why we do not. When threatened with us putting him out he says he will tell authorities that we sexually abused him as a child. That concerns me because we still have 3 girls under 18 to finish raising and it could create great problems for our family. I am at my wits end with this one. He deliberately defies us and argues that its OK he does it. HELP! Any suggestions?

ScottGem · Mar 16, 2008, 10:10 AM

I would go to the foster care agency. I would explain to them the situation including the threats he has made. If this agency has given you 6 children, I would assume they have thoroughly vetted you and they are not likely to believe him. By going to them first you take the force out of his threats.

They will advise you what your next steps can be, but I think they will advise throwing him out.

horsesfarm · Mar 16, 2008, 10:30 AM

Thanks for your input ScottGem. At this point though we are no longer foster parents and adopted him when he was 3. I don't think the system would have anything to say or do about this. I wonder as a parent what are our responsabilities. If we put him out will that affect our younger children and what can HE do about us putting him out? This is a new situation (daily) for us.

Wondergirl · Mar 16, 2008, 10:46 AM

You need an unbiased third opinion, preferably a good family counselor. Invite your son and partner (?) to go to at least three sessions. Tell your son that you love him and want to be fair to him, and yet don't want to be a doormat. Tell him you apparently are missing something here, an understanding of him and perhaps he of you. You want him to express his wants and needs to the counselor in your presence (and you will do the same regarding yours) and both of you will get feedback. The counselor will act as a mediator and will help the three of you (partners and son) find ways to compromise.

Is your son employed or in school? Does he help at all around the house? How does he relate to the other children and they to him? What's his relationship with your partner?

My lesbian sil and her partner are going round and round with a similar problem. I wish you well!

JBeaucaire · Mar 16, 2008, 11:53 AM

Get a nanny cam and try to get some of those false accusations on tape in your own home. I don't know how admissible it will be in the future, but HIM seeing the tapes in the future if he makes good on his threats should end the whole process. Understand? Just protect yourself.

Next, you need to treat him like an adult. He's not a child. If living at home he should be contributing to the household through chores, good behavior, and if not in school also financially...

Let him know "free rent" is a specific gift to adults who follow your rules. If he won't follow them, then his rent is $1000 a month. When he doesn't pay, evict him. Stay calm, stay civil, let him know you wish him only the best, but the parenting thing won't be a crutch for him to abuse the household.

If he fails to follow through, you must evict him in writing following all the rules you would in your state for evicting any tenant. In writing, specifics why (failure to pay the rent 2 months straight), then do it.

There is little you can do to avoid this confrontation, except be walked on, something the other kids CAN'T see you do.

ScottGem · Mar 16, 2008, 12:19 PM

My point in going back to the foster care agency was because they vetted you before allowing you adopt. The point is you need to have someone to support you against his accusations.

The others also have some good points.

N0help4u · Mar 16, 2008, 01:23 PM

You are right that they will say it is not their problem and not really help you any.
My son was adopted when he was in his teens and they had adopted two other boys that had severe behavior problems. I think the one boy was autistic he was biting people and bouncing off the walls. She was always having to 302 him and now Child Services is threatening to pull her ability to be a foster or adoptive parent because they gave her a kid that was totally uncontrollable. Most of her kids were uncontrollable and that is what she worked with so she didn't think so much of him maybe having an extra problem.

You say he is 18 so he needs to get out and get a job and save his money so he can get out on his own since he doesn't like it there. If he has to legally stay with you until 21 make him get a job and pay rent. Also you should have enough credibility with the other kids and all that they would see straight through him as doing it only for spite and attention if he were to actually accuse you.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 16, 2008, 05:00 PM

Child of mine threatened that, I woiuld have kicked his rear to the curb that day, he things he can have his way though blackmail..