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pinkrose7 · Mar 12, 2008, 09:09 AM

OK, this is nuts but here I go I am in love with this guy who has a 8am to 4pm job, he went back to college his clases are on tues.and thurs.and on mon. wed. fri. he teaches karate and he has three children by his ex. Wife who has a boyfriend. He's thinking about moving back in with them to save money and so he can be with his children but he loves me but he broke up with me because he doesn't have time for me he thinks I deserve someone who can take care of me and has time to do the little things, he has made it clear to me he doesn't want to go back out with me but we still love each other and still have to sexual attraction to each other. We dated for a little more than 2 years but anyway he wants to remain friends what should I do?I know he loves me as much as I love him Be friends with the man I love or just stop talking to him? PLEASE HELP

pinkrose7 · Mar 12, 2008, 10:45 AM

I love this guy who loves me we been dating for two years and he broke with me because he didn't have time he lives in nj and I live in ny but I always go and see him but this guy has a 8am to 4pm job, he went back to college his clases are on tues.and thurs.and on mon. wed. fri. he teaches karate and he has three children by his ex. Wife who has a boyfriend. He's thinking about moving back in with them to save money and so he can be with his children but he loves me but he broke up with me,he said it wasn't right for him to hold on to me while we gets his life together and he thinks I deserve someone who can take care of me and has time to do the little things, we still love each other and still have to sexual attraction to each other. We dated for a little more than 2 years but anyway he wants to remain friends what should I do?I know he loves me as much as I love him Be friends with the man I love or just stop talking to him? PLEASE HELP

JBeaucaire · Mar 12, 2008, 11:50 AM

It takes a lot of time commitment to develop a new relationship and make it work. It sounds to me like this man has absolutely got his ducks in a row and is maturely putting you where you belong on the list of his priorities.

When he did that, he also realized you were too far down the list than was appropriate, and cut you loose. This guy is awesome!

For you to be with him in a meaningful way ongoing, he knows that more important things in life would suffer... time with his kids, time in school (to better his position and eventually be a better provider)... and he wisely chose to keep things properly sorted.

I can see why you like this guy. But he's unavaible to you in the way you really need, he knows it and is trying to let you know it without it meaning breaking your heart hatefully. You need to honor that.

If you love him, let him go. Feelings of love do not give you permission to ignore the needs of the one loved... he needs to stay focused on family and career, not you.

He is right to free you, and you can't find someone who is completely available to love and cherish you if you're still with him.

If you love HIM, then hear HIM, and move on.

JBeaucaire · Mar 12, 2008, 01:34 PM

pinkrose7 agrees: how can I just let the man that I love go and you didn't even answer my question should I still be friends with this man

What do you gain by staying around? My guess is you will feel pain and loss every time you're near him and it will distract you from developing your next relationship. Your feelings for him will interfere with your next relationship once it IS started.

And the whole time your mind will be mulling it over and over how you can get him to change his mind and be with you again. Admit it. You know these things will happen.

If you love him, honor his choices and move on. Friendship with him later is more pointless pain.

N0help4u · Mar 12, 2008, 01:59 PM

Should you remain friends with him?
If you can keep it together emotionally and not be vulnerable to a sexual relationship with him. After all if he wants that with no strings attached and you are head over heels for him you are only hurting yourself and setting yourself up for a big let down.

J_9 · Mar 12, 2008, 04:06 PM

And you want to get pregnant in this wacky situation?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregna...in-193939.html

pinkrose7 · Mar 12, 2008, 04:09 PM

No I don't I just was acking a question I don't know if I can ever get pregnant I do want a family some day just not now

J_9 · Mar 12, 2008, 04:35 PM

pinkrose7 : no I don't I just was acking a question I don't know if I can ever get pregnant I do want a family some day just not now

Yet you ask in your other thread:

I get my period every month why can't I get pregnant?

So, that brings with it the assumption that you are trying to get pregnant in this crazy mess of a relationship.

friend4u178 agrees: J-9... I give you credit for being able to read that.

It took me about 4 tries and I never got through the whole thing, way too hard to read.

pinkrose7 · Mar 12, 2008, 04:43 PM

Thank u for the comments but u did not answer the question

J_9 · Mar 12, 2008, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by pinkrose7

thank u for the comments but u did not answer the question

Primarily because I can't read the question. Punctuation was invented for a reason. Please use it.

kp2171 · Mar 15, 2008, 06:13 AM

Time to step forward or step away.

Nobody said it would be easy. Anyone who has been in love and had to do this knows it hurts like hell. I've loved a few women I couldn't be with due to "bad timing"... one wasn't willing to be tied down due to a major career move, and another was emotionally unprepared for long term comittment... in the later case, one somewhat like mine, we got very close until she realized she couldn't go forward.

Most will say being friends with an ex you love is a lot of trouble for a lot of heartache and little gain.

You found a guy that might be great in a lot of ways, but he isn't complete. He isn't able to make an important comittment to you... if you knew from the start this was the case... if hed said "look, ill date you but never marry" would that have changed things... kept you holding back some? Probably a little at least.

Well... you didn't get that convenience, and neither did I. I fell hard in love with a girl that was so right in a lot of ways... but that meant I had two choices...

Choose to be with her as a friend and pretend it was OK (like ripping out your "emotional toenails") or step way back, begin to move on, and see if we could ever be friends much later on.

#2 was best... its never fun to have to start again, but it seemed with me I learned things each time that made the next love better and closer... and in many ways I'm glad I had three huge heartbreaks... but the time I met my wife, I was ready, smarter, and able to see when a person is honestly willing to comitt.

If you choose to stay friends, you don't get to do this hoping that he will come around, and you certainly remove sex from the scene. This route, I'm afraid, usually means you delay the inevitable... or clouds reality. I mean maybe hed have a change of heart if he really felt what life was without you... its not the primary reason people should do no contact... you do no contact to get that person out of your face and begin to work them out of your head...

But honestly, nothing other than NC is likely to make him face what you mean to him. I miss friends I can't see or be with. I needed to be with my wife... and we even went through a "step back" stage when dating. That let us both see we wanted, needed to pusue the relationship even harder. Same with you... unless he is chasing you down, and ready to take the next step, well... then he's spinning his wheels or stepping away.

No fun being in this place... but its no fun wasting almost 2 years in the dying throes of a relationship that should be over... I did that with my first big love, 7 years total. After nearly two years of trying to be friends, and sometimes being more, I finally had the sense to walk away. Hard stuff... but not as bad as wasting time in a relationship that's not going where you need it to be.

s_cianci · Mar 15, 2008, 06:20 AM

I vote for the stop talking to him option. I don't mean to be harsh but if you dated for 2 years then he broke up with you because "he doesn't have time for you and he thinks you deserve someone who can take care of you and has time to do the little things" then he doesn't love you the way you think he does. And he's considering moving back in with his ex (and her boyfriend?) to "save money?" I'm sorry but something's very amiss here. I think you may be looking at things through rose-colored glasses. Time to move on in my opinion.

kp2171 · Mar 15, 2008, 10:50 AM

One more note... its really preferred that you don't repost the same question over and over within a short time... this is essentially your third post of roughly the same subject, which means answers are spread over several threads.

It clutters the boards and makes following your discussion harder. Please don't post another question with the same points again. Going to try to get these merged so its not so confusing.

talaniman · Mar 15, 2008, 11:39 AM

I to have read your other questions, and was getting confused also, but I understand how you could want as much feedback as possible, but that's not how its done. More replies from you will help in that regard.

As for your question, forget the friends thing for now, simply because your not ready, and you would be only looking for him to change his mind, and return to you as he was before. That's false hope on your part, and can only delay the inevitable, and put you at risk, for more misery and pain. Heal first, and then consider that friend option. No Contact whatsoever, is the way to go.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 15, 2008, 12:00 PM

Well he is not just moving back with a ex for the kids, and an EX would not be letting him stay unless she say more in this also.
I am sorry but can't see it being just innocent room mate.

I am glad he loves his kids, but he sees them when he can, has them on weekends and goes on with life.

So you visit with him at karate, and after classes, you see him on the weekends and life goes on,

Personally and this is just my opinion, he is breaking up with you and trying to be nice about it.

pinkrose7 · May 26, 2008, 08:12 PM

Thank You Everyone!! It took me some time to see what all you guys were talking about, but I have one more question? Right now I'm fine but sometimes it still hurts but I'm moving on and I know that's no hope of me and him getting back together. Two things I must tell you guys I'm still friends with him and sometimes we make love once in a while, I can still feel the love he has for me and that he cares a lot about me cause by the way he talks to me. He wants to stay friends with me cause he know I'm a good persod with a good heart but My question is to all of you should I still stay friends with him and if I do how should the friendship be?

pinkrose7 · May 26, 2008, 08:23 PM

I'm Sorry Everyone I was acting like a real b***h I know you were trying to help and I apologize I just want to tell you guys I not really like that but I was thinking with my heart and not with me head and I'm so sorry that. Do you forgive me?

magicofmakingup · May 26, 2008, 10:30 PM

Having three children with an ex is a burden. He has some responsibilities here and you NEVER will have this man without involving his ex and family.

There are ex woman's, men's and husbands, but there are no ex-children.

What I thought strange was the point where you told that he is thinking to move back in with his ex to SAVE MONEY.

If the alternative for him to be with you or with his ex family based on money, I believe that the love you feel is much bigger then his. I'm sorry to say this.

A man who loves would do everything to stick to his love and try to be happy. When he quote to go back to his ex life (not only woman) then he weight this as more important then the relationship he had with you.

Let him go, at least for the moment. After a while you can try to see if there is a chance to get him back if you still wish.

And don't think you will die because of this, even if you feel like. Get some beneficial activities for you to overcome this period and try to get a normal life again. That's the best start to beginning a new life, or get the old back.

G.

talaniman · May 26, 2008, 10:49 PM

I'm still friends with him and sometimes we make love once in a while, I can still feel the love he has for me and that he cares a lot about me cause by the way he talks to me.

Friends with benefits will get you through the night, and keep you attached.

should I still stay friends with him and if I do how should the friendship be?

That something only you and he can know, but your chances of having the life you want(?) will be severely limited by your emotional and physical attachments to him. If you can balance all that and keep a good perspective, more power to you.

pinkrose7 · May 26, 2008, 11:18 PM

When it comes down to his ex their just friends/getting along for the children. The only reason y he was thinking about moving in was to be closer to his children. He doesn't care about her like that anymore 1 she cheated on him for 5 years while they where still married and she is still with that man, she's moved on with her life and he moved on with his. So I no nothing is going to happen between them. He loves his children and they come first in his life that's it. Everything else follows