[Bluetooth]

I'm at a real low point in my life because I think my boyfriend is an alcoholic.
He would never admit it, but isn't that how the problems start?

I have an alcoholic mother who has drunk from the tender age of 16; she is now 68 and is blind in 1 eye and losing sight in the other.
Her health has taken a dramatic fall over the years and she still to this day will swear that she is NOT an alcoholic. Sometimes I could just scream!

I had a crap childhood, I would never dare take friends home through fear of what state she'd be in when I got home from school.
I was a child who had to play the mother role to my younger siblings while Mum drunk herself to the point of passing out.

Now I'm with a man who I believe has a drink problem.
He drinks 6 cans of Stella a day. If he doesn't get a drink, his mood switches and he turns into this evil nasty person
He started drinking at the age of about 14.

Please please can anyone tell me..
Does this sound like he is an alcoholic? Or is he a binge drinker?

He drinks from the minute he gets in from work and on some occasions has stumbled in drunk.
He does this 7 days a week starting as early as 10am on the weekend.

Should I be worried? I know I should be but your responses will help me a great deal when I am able to show him what I've found out.
Your responses would mean a lot to a frustrated and unhappy me...

[bibi]

Yes, I think he has a problem. There are too things I can say about this

1) he is being selfish. I'm sure he knows what you went through as a chil having to witness your mother being an alcoholic. If he care, he shoulden be putting you throu it again

2) he is probabll going throug something and unfortunately he is using drinking to get awy from it.

Reply... am here

[NeedKarma]

Yes, he does have a problem. You also need to realize that:
a) you deserve better than that, you really do;
b) it's time to stop the cycle now

I hope you can be strong and make a life for yourself that does not involve alcohol.

[bibi]

Needkarma, thts so true

[fredg]

Hi, Bluetooth,
Your boyfriend definitely has an alcohol problem, and you have taken the first step in knowing it; that is, posting a question here about it, and having doubts. From your question, you are quite familiar with alcoholism.
YES, you should be concerned, because of the problems you face with him.
Only he can say if he is an alcoholic, but he has all the symptoms. When it gets to the point of having attitude changes, then he is really advanced with it.
No one can change him, unless he knows he has a drinking problem, and wants to do something about it. That doesn't usually happen unless something happens in his life; something bad; something very major.
I highly suggest you look in your local phone book, find the number of the Ala-Non Group, and attend a free meeting. They last an hour, are for loved ones, family, spouses, anyone, who lives with, or loves an alcoholic. You will hear from those in similar situations, and meet some wonderful people who can help you understand what is going on with him and you.
I really do wish you the best, and please attend a meeting. You will learn something very, very important; and that is, you cannot help him, unless he himself wants help. He will eventually be like your Mom; failing health, in "denial", meaning "there is no problem with my drinking".

[augustknight]

I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 11 years plus. Even if I never have another drink (and God knows that isn't a given) I am always an alcoholic. My definition is simple... If a person has no control over alcohol, they are an alcoholic. Which means if a person has one drink they will continue to drink until they are drunk or run out of money. Some people can go days or weeks without drinking and still be an alcoholic because the definition isn't about frequency or behavior, it's about control.
Here are some of the 'truths' I've noticed about alcoholics:
1) They all lie about their drinking
2) Lectures don't work
3) Nobody voluntarily enters rehab
Basically an alcoholic has to hit rock bottom before they even think about admitting they have a problem. In my case I was forced into a program after a suicide attempt. It was also at that time that I was diagnosed with depression. Many people are medicating themselves with alcohol to feel better. But that is a poor return on your investment. A couple of hours of feeling good is followed my days of misery.
Some of the things that will tip you off as to where his problem is coming from is... Is he angry a lot? That is a typical male response to depression plus irritability.
If he does seek help it will only work when he realises that he cannot control his drinking and the only way to control it is to stop completely. This is where most fail. A person has to totally bare their soul to the point of embarrassment, in essence they have to be broken down to the lowest level. Not many people are willing to do that.
Another thing they will tell you in AA and other programs is in order to break the habit you have to avoid all your friends that drink. Most people will not accept that. I was in a program that was part of a hospital outpatient therapy center. We where also required to attend AA meetings.
The AA meeting they show on TV and the ones that are held at the local church are called Open Meetings. This is just an entry for the real thing. It is there that a person hooks up with a smaller group. Simply ask one one the people running the meeting. The smaller meetings are far more intensive and there are so many of them you can customise what kind of group you want to belong to. Say for example "Single parents group" or "meditation group" or "lesbian group" seriously there is a group for everyone, even a "normal person's group".
Gentle nudging will not get your boyfriend into therapy. Just give him two choices, booze or you. You don't want to repeat the experience you had with your mother. It sounds harsh but losing you may be the thing that actually makes him realise that he has a problem. Good luck, you'll need it.

[Fr_Chuck]

I don't know what Stella is or how much 6 cans is, I will assume it is a sort of beer.

Yes a person who starts drinking as soon as they get home, gets drunk every night ( he may not stumble but 6 beers makes a person drunk)

He will not get better until he wants to, and your life will only get worst.
Get help first and foremost, there are groups for wife's of alcholics.
Personaly getting out of the relationship until he changes is my top choice

[Bluetooth]

Dear Fr Chuck
Thank you very much for your opinion, I know what the right thing to do is but I love him so much and I can't let him suffer alone.
We will get through this and I will persevere what ever he throws at me in good times and bad even the toughest.
That's the loving person I am. He's my soul mate.
I hope you as a God loving person can understand true love.
I have told my boyfriend constantly that no matter how nasty he treats me I'll stand by him because I recognise that he has an illness.
I can't punish him for that. He has problems and only he can choose how and when he will tackle it. He writes me lots of letters when he is feeling down and he acknowledges treating me badly and he truly more than makes up for it. As long as he knows he has my full support (which he does).
I think, no I know, things will be fine. God will see me through this.
Yes you are right by the way. Stella is a brand of Lager or Beer, quite a strong one at that.
I appreciate your response and I will check out those sites.
Many Thanks To You

Blue

[Bluetooth]

Dear Bibi

Yes you are probably right, I never really looked at it as a selfish thing.
Perhaps he is in a way. He knows exactly what I went through as a child.

He would argue he's "nothing like my mum"... but dya know what.
He's worse.

What am I thinking repeating history. True love conquers all I guess.
Nice to know that people like yourself care.

Thank you x

[Bluetooth]

I wish I was strong enough to do the right thing but I truly believe I'd be losing a good mate as well as a boyfriend if I do .
Thanks for being honest.

[NeedKarma]

Dear Fr Chuck
We will get through this and I will persevere what ever he throws at me in good times and bad even the toughest. (...)I have told my boyfriend constantly that no matter how nasty he treats me I'll stand by him because I recognise that he has an illness.

I'm going to have to disagree with you here. These sound like the words of someone who has low self-esteem and is a co-dependant relationship. We, as individuals, make choices that affect our happiness. Some of these choices are hard to make. For instance I have a cousin that lives in my town that "has issues" with truthfullness, commitment, and gossipping to a bad extent. I could choose to make time for her and help her heal though I doubt it is possible. But I choose instead to not make her part of my inner circle of friends because she simply complicates our lives and frustrates us at every turn. Let someone else be her victim, I choose not too, I have wife and kids to worry about. I have basically made a choice to minimize my relationships with dysfunctional people and you know what? It works great!

I would drop Mr. Alcoholic/abusive if I were in your shoes and look for someone that does not make alcohol a big part of their lives.

There's some tough love for you. :)

[augustknight]

Not only is your boyfriend a classic alcoholic, with the maudlin apologies and the promises to get better, you are the classic enabler. You may be willing to tolerate him as a boyfriend but do you have the right to foist him on any future children, knowing what you know? Alcoholics will continue for as long as they are able to without interference. And by the way, he may love you but his first and true love is alcohol.
Maybe that's cold but it's the truth. Go bravely into that dark night.

[bibi]

guys, its blue tooth that posted this thread. I keep etig her responses in my mail.

I hope you getting sum good advice bluutooth

[augustknight]

Everyone that answered to this post is getting the same mail. That is one of the features on this site. It enables us to follow the thread as it progresses. Sort of a slow motion conversation.

[bizygurl]

Blue tooth, completely know where your coming from.

My husband is a recovering drug addict.
Wev'e been together for nine years and in those nine years he's fallen off the wagon about seven times. The last time was two years ago and he hit rock bottom. The situation was very serious in which if the outcome had been differenly, I could have lost my children because of his carelessness.My youngest daughter was only three months at the time.
YOu need to do the right thing, there is no magic cure for alcholism. Just like drug abuse it is a disease. And the person who is going through this will always be an alcoholic and an addict.
In my situaton I left my husband for a few weeks because this was the last straw. Up until that point when he would go on drug binges for days I would be the patient wife waiting at home until he came down enough. When he got home I would say things like, "I forgive you, we will get thgough this" Im here for you. And I never really gave him any consequesnces for his actions. SO in one word I was a "enabler"
You can stick by your loved one and be a support but you can't be the doting girlfriend or wife and always be there when they mess up. They have to know that you can't be there when they drink, or that you can't be there to "rescue them. Users take advantage of that they think that they can use and get away with it because you will be there.
I went to NARANON the equivient to ALANON for families who were of drug addicts. If you have never been to a meeting It will help you tremendously. I thought it was going to be a boo-hoo fest and I couldn't deal listening to others problems when I had my own. But it wasn't like that. The people all know what your going through they understand because they are going through the ecact same thing,sometimes for years. They really show you how not to become an enabler. It was a God send for me. It gave me the strength to get up pack up my kids and leave for three weeks when my husband went on his last binge. That was when it was a huge wake up call to him. He even told me that he kept using because he thought I would still stay with him. He has been clean for three years now,I think I said two, He doesn't have the desire to use. Because he knows what he will loose if it happens again. That will be it for us if it does. And I made it clear to him.

Im sure he is a wonderful boyfriend. But make a choice. Do you really want to be with him and lead you down the road with his disease? Or do you love him enough to stick with him but get help for yourself. Even if he doesn't get help at this point you should really think about going to ALANON for yourself, not him, for you. If you make the decision to stay with him you are going to need a support group to help you though this. And remember whatever you choose, there isn't a wrong decision. Make the choice that you would feel most comfortble with, but know its not going to be easy if you stay. Keep us posted on how your doing.

[talaniman]

I agree with bizygirl,we can love the hell out of our alcoholic and find out we are only enabling them to continue with their disease.As hard as it may seem the only course we have is to give them tough love and let them fall flat on their faces.Only then will they realize what their disease is doing to them and those around them. I know it sounds so sad that the only help you can give is to allow alcoholics and drug addicts to reach rock bottom,but this is the only solution,Until they come to the conclusion they want to change and get help there is no way you can do anything for them.You must do your part by not putting up with this behavior and I know that it is easier said than done but is essential to the recovery of your husband and your family.I wish you the best!:cool:

[giggles]

I have one horrible opinion that you might not agree with -

TRUE LOVE DOESN'T CONQUER ALL!

Sometimes if we believe this, it will keep us unhappy. I hope whatever road you decide to go down with or without your partner, that you will also keep in mind bizygurls advice - please don't become the victim in all of this. You're not the one with an alcohol problem, so if it affects you, take steps to remove yourself (even temporarily) from the situation. It's terribly painful to see someone in the grips of an addiction, and powerless to realise there's very little you can do to change it.
But is this what you want out of life? Soul mate aside, you didn't deserve the upbringing you had, you don't need to force it in your adulthood either. It's time to do things for you. You can still be a tower of support for him by not allowing him to be drunk around you.
You said you "can't let him suffer alone". But the longer he has others to lean on, he will inevitably suffer. Perhaps you can get some good advice at one of the alcohol support groups on how to live with him while he starts to work on himself.
No, you can't "punish him" for "having an illness", but try not to let it punish you either. If your love is challenged enough to have to let him hit that rock bottom place in order to recover, are you willing to do that? Is that not a test of real love?

[bizygurl]

giggles is right, the longer he has people to lean on the more he suffers.

You can let him know you ccare about him but it has to be made clear to him that he is not to come around you when he is drunk or call you and if your living with him you need to leave for awhile or he needs to get out. It sounds mean but it isn't addicts need this so that they relaize that your not going to be the enabler that theyy want you to be. They want you to say its okay and we will get through this. No its not okay and you can be there ina sense but your life does not stop for this person. Because if you do,his problems become your problems to the point that you don't know who you are anymore. All it is a vicious cycle unless you put your foot down and tell him that he has to do this on his ownm even if he tries to make you feel guilty. When I first started going to NARANON the first thing out of my husbands mouth was "so are they teaching you to hate me yet" Which is a completely absurd thing to think. Be prepared for him to make you feel guilty don't buy into it don't let guilt from him keep you from getting the support you need. Remind him that you are doing this to help you cope with his disease and not as a betryal.

Giggles is right love does not conquor all. And if you find that this is just too hard for you. It won't be your fault at all. No one will blame you in the least so please don't blame yourself. My expirence with my husband is not the norm because most spouse or boyfriend andgf relationships do end up in the gutter when one has an addiction. If you go to ALANON or NARANON most people are relatives like parents siblings not many spouses. Because for most its too hard to deal with. But if you're a parent of an addict it's a whole different story, you will never be able to just walk away. Things with my husband are fine now and probably will stay that way. But I will never kid myself because he will always be an addict and you just never know what could happen.

[Bluetooth]

Everyone is saying exactly what I feel deep down. The only difference being that I'm learning day by day new things, I'm getting fresh advice from good people like yourselves and your'e a brilliant bunch.

You people are all I have when I need advice because I'm one of these people who does not turn to friends in times of sadness.

I'd rather lock myself away and help myself get through it.
It's going to pain me to do what I know is right but I hear you guys- don't think I don't.
I have to tell him before this gets too messy.

I will keep you all posted but this task is not going to be easy.
TTFN
Blue

[lilfyre]

My husband is a recovering alcoholic, and I love him greatly, the alcoholic brain does not care what anyone is going through, it is them and only them, my suggestion a few open AA meetings, and then some al-anon for you if you are going to stay with him. You can not help him, he has to help himself. He has to hit his rock bottom before anything will help. What you need to do is decide weather or not you want to stay. If you do you are in for one heck of a ride of ups and down. For me it was worth it, I not only love my husband but I am in love with him. All I can say is, be strong and meeting meetings and more meetings.

The way you stated he drinks, I can say from past experience yes he is. You said you can not let him suffer alone, that is how I felt; just do not be his enabler either