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bradleydbl · Mar 9, 2008, 06:20 AM

Hi - I am new to the site but at my wits end and just hoping for some advise/support/guidance. 15 months ago, I told my 19 year old daughter that I was moving in with a man - we have been seeing each other for many years but I have always put my daughter first and we decided to wait until she was an adult before spending the rest of our lives together. My lovely child has all she needs and is now at University, so no longer at home. She hates my man and has said that she will never see me or talk to me again, she says she can never trust me as I lied to her - I did keep our relationship 'quiet' as I knew it would upset her. I sent texts, emails, gifts and letters for a year but never received a reply. I just don't understand it - we were as close as sisters and had a wonderful life together - I'm not asking her to like him, just accept that I am with him. I am so distraught and think of her constantly - was I wrong to move in with him and lose her.. My mum and child are still close and in touch but it breaks my mum's heart that we can't be friends. Please help...

Chery · Mar 9, 2008, 06:33 AM

Hi dear, and welcome to the forum.

Your daughter might be hurt now because she might not like your man, or angry that you kept him secret. But.. if your past relationship was as good as you said, she will also have sleepless nights and thoughts of you, so give her time and hope she comes around.

If not, you yourself said she is now an adult and we all make mistakes that we later regret, but that's life and we will have to live with it.

If you are happy with your man, concentrate on your life - you gave her all the time, love and guidance you could and it is now her turn to make or break her life - and there is nothing you can control there... but you have the chance to control whether you and he will be happy now and you deserve to be happy just as anyone else does.

All separation hurts, but we all know that it has to happen with our children. We cannot choose their friends, lovers, and paths in life.. So.. she has no right to choose your path.

Believe me, if she had a man that you did not like, she would still live her own life and expect you to understand. So just go on with your's and expect and demand the same respect you would give her if the table were turned around.

Good luck dear - and keep us posted. Remember, we are here to help with our very own experiences and memories of how it used to be, so you came to the right place.

All the best,
Chery

Fr_Chuck · Mar 9, 2008, 07:32 AM

You have to live your life and honestly don't need her approval for your adult relastionship. Now it was wrong to keep it a secret from her, you needed to allow and give her the respect that her being an adult also deserves.

So you stop begging for her forgiveness and go on, try to have some contact, let her know you are there when she changes her mind, but beyond that, it may take some times ( even years) for this all to straighten out.

Chery · Mar 12, 2008, 03:00 PM

Well, I'm so glad that I helped you enough to get a 'disagree' from you...

Comments on this post
bradleydbl disagrees: Chery's answer certainly helped and I already feel better - thanks

This is really hitting you a bit, but trust time... she will eventually come to her senses, so relax and start enjoying your life and let her take a position further back - it's your turn to be spoiled a bit. You've done all you can for her.

bradleydbl · Mar 12, 2008, 11:16 PM

[QUOTE=Chery]Well, I'm so glad that I helped you enough to get a 'disagree' from you...

This is really hitting you a bit, but trust time... she will eventually come to her senses, so relax and start enjoying your life and let her take a position further back - it's your turn to be spoiled a bit. You've done all you can for her.

Dear Chery - I am SO sorry - I hit the disagree by mistake and then sent - what a fool I am - I don't know if there is a way to correct this - I do agree with you!!

I do hope you're right and I just have to hope and pray that things will improve... thanks again for your advice and support.

mimi03 · Mar 13, 2008, 10:27 AM

Im a little confused as to why you keep your relationship "quiet" when you say you and your daughter were so close, "like sisters"...

But maybe that doesn't matter, Im only asking because I am your daughter's age and I have had terrible disagreements with my mother over the guys (not men) she decided to date and allow to move in... I happened to be right about them ALL, they were all scum of the earth. Honestly they were, one even did the unthinkable to me... I don't think I need to go into detail for anyone to figure out what I mean beyond the discretion.

I am saying all of this to say that although my mom made some terrible choices and I resented her and still do sometimes, I went away to school and now that I don't have to see/talk to her daily we are better now.

Unlike many have stated, I didn't rebuild a relationship with her because something happened and I needed her, Ive done a pretty great job taking care of myself. I tried to let go of the anger simply because I didn't want to be angry anymore!

I hope your daughter loves you enough to look past your differences. She ultimately needs to recognize that you are an individual first then a mother and you are entitled to your own mistakes and/or decisions just as she is... I sincerely hope she realizes this soon so that the two of you you can be happy again!

Basically just give her time...

Chery · Mar 13, 2008, 12:43 PM

[quote=bradleydbl]

Originally Posted by Chery

Well, I'm so glad that I helped you enough to get a 'disagree' from you...

This is really hitting you a bit, but trust time... she will eventually come to her senses, so relax and start enjoying your life and let her take a position further back - it's your turn to be spoiled a bit. You've done all you can for her.

Dear Chery - I am SO sorry - I hit the disagree by mistake and then sent - what a fool I am - I don't know if there is a way to correct this - I do agree with you!!!

I do hope you're right and I just have to hope and pray that things will improve.... thanks again for your advice and support.

That's quite all right, dear. I am not here to collect greenies or reddies, as they are called... and I only mentioned it to show you that you were probably still too preoccupied that you might slip in other more important things in your life right now. Just a reminder for you to start relaxing more and letting go - an believe me, being a mother myself, I know how hard that I sometimes.

Again, all the best. - And my fingers surely are crossed!

bradleydbl · Mar 16, 2008, 11:22 AM

Thanks again - you are a tonic and definitely have made my life seem more bearable...

That's quite all right, dear. I am not here to collect greenies or reddies, as they are called... and I only mentioned it to show you that you were probably still too preoccupied that you might slip in other more important things in your life right now. Just a reminder for you to start relaxing more and letting go - an believe me, being a mother myself, I know how hard that I sometimes.

Again, all the best. - And my fingers surely are crossed!

Deadmomwalking · May 5, 2013, 09:37 AM

My daughter disowned me, not really sure why but I now feel like a dead person walking around in the world. I keep telling myself I have to move on, enjoy my other children and grandchildren but there's that part of me that feels unworthy of everyone and everything. First my mother made me feel this way, now my daughter. Urrggghhhh!