[whats the deal]

My boyfriend of 3 yrs has always had an "obsession" with porn.
I also have/do enjoy it, to an extent. Recently I found a "stash". One of the movies he had told me months ago, was a present for someone he works with. Only because I seen the receipt. All of these movies are new, meaning the other pile is not being used. He obviously thinks he should hide this from me. My question is, how/should to approach him, and is this just the beginning?

[kp2171]

Does it bother you that there's more, or just that he's hiding it?

Do you think its taking away from your connection to him in the bedroom? Is he attentive?

Is the material bothersome, or just the quantity?

Short answer without more discussion is it's a problem because you have a problem with it... at least the hiding of it. Does it mean there's a slippery slope into a life of more and more? Well, no... and it doesn't mean there isn't.

The minute you can express yourself about sex is the moment you put up a barrier. Now... this doesn't mean I tell my partner everything I think about sex. There are some things she doesn't care to know, some fantasies that are just fine locked away, etc.

But... you found a stash. Were you looking for it? Reasonable that you might find it without snooping? Helpful to understanding the approach you might need.

[Choux]

There is a new book coming out in April(the 22, I think) called "The Porn Trap" written by a therapist. etc. and it looks like must reading for all younger people interested in sexual robustness and sexual mental health. I read a little about it on Amazon and in an article on Tango dot com... Anyway, never snoop in other people's belongings! *Nothing* good comes from this activity, and it is a rather unpleasant personal trait.

So, apparently he has a problem with porn per your description "obsession". Porn is addictive and warps an addict's sexuality! My opinion, three years, no marriage, porn problems looming, time to move on, girl.

[Synnen]

The hiding and lying concerns me more than the porn does, though your description of 'obsessed' makes porn a definite concern, too.

If you can't trust him, what are you doing staying with him? Trust is the basis of every relationship.

You might ask him why he feels the need to lie to you and hide it, and focus more on THOSE issues in the discussion(TRY to stay calm!) than on the porn itself. STAY focused on that. Don't let him distract you.

Basically let him know that if you can't trust him to tell you the truth about THIS issue, what happens when it's a more important issue?

[kp2171]

So, apparently he has a problem with porn per your description "obsession". Porn is addictive and warps an addict's sexuality! My opinion, three years, no marriage, porn problems looming, time to move on, girl.

I agree with you that porn is most often a distraction or a crutch at the least, and a destroyer sometimes concerning sexual connection.

But where in the world did you get NO MARRIAGE out of that post?

And if marriage was to be so easily tossed aside as you say, then... well.. we'd have the current state we have concerning marriage. People who aren't willing to do hard work that sometimes makes them face themselves.

Yeah... sometimes you need to walk away... but I think you are quick to the trigger?

[Choux]

If a woman doesn't have marriage with a man after going with him for *three* years, then it is time to move on. I think that marriage to a good man is the best possible situation for a woman (and her children)in life.

That's all. I am a believer in marriage. :)

[Synnen]

I wasn't concerned about marriage to my husband for the first 4 years we dated. Things were working just fine--why bother?

Then he was hospitalized, and they wouldn't let me in to see him because I wasn't family.

We got married the next year. And that's the ONLY reason we got married rather than just keep the status quo.

I'm a believer in whatever works for a couple is fine---as long as it works for BOTH members of the couple.

Marriage isn't the issue here, though--trust and honesty are.

[kp2171]

If a woman doesn't have marriage with a man after going with him for *three* years, then it is time to move on. I think that marriage to a good man is the best possible situation for a woman (and her children)in life.

That's all. I am a believer in marriage. :)

My apologies. My bad completely. I didn't catch they weren't married.

I don't agree that 3 years is a magic number... I dated a girl for 7 (HS, college, after) and thank GOD we didn't marry... I think maturity comes into play... but I get your point.

And I read the OP and your post incorrectly.

Don't think there's a magic number, but also think if its not going forward, its going nowhere.

[Choux]

I come at this topic of marriage from a practical woman's viewpoint.

A woman is only young once. It is much easier to get a *good husband* when a woman is young and beautiful to men, so there is only a limited amount of time to do this so it is good not to while away time with someone you aren't going to marry because of his personality faults or financial challenges.

To each his/her own!

[topladyj]

Wow I Am In The Same Situation. My Bf Likes Porn And Yes It Does Cut Into Our Sex Life Which I Hate. I Have Actually Had To Watch It Myself To Make Me Happy. We Have Been Together For Four Years. He Lies About The Porn And Finally Figured Out How To Clear The History On My Computer I Hate It. But An Older Lady Told Me At Least He Is Doing That Then Cheating On You! And When I Think About It If He Lies About Porn Then Would He Lie About Cheating On Me Too?

[emotional Girl]

That's a good question that I would also like to know...