[greenlake]

Hi everyone,

Having a bit of difficulty coping with a breakup right now - well, a lot to be frank - and I though it might help sharing some thoughts and looking for advice.

I've just come out of a 10+ year relationship. Things were great for so long, we met young and after a few years moved in together. Then about 18 months ago, I started to feel unsettled. Getting the eye for other girls was probably the first thing. I started feeling less passion for my girlfriend. We were having sex less. The time between sex was getting longer and longer, first a week, then a few weeks, then a month. I was staying at work late because I was unhappy at home. I was staying up at night because I didn't want to go to bed and be forced into intimacy - not necessarily sex, but intimacy of any kind. Things came to a head when she started making plans to buy a house, this was a step I couldn't take, and I finally told her. We talked for a while, then came to the decision that we had to split up. It was tearful, but not too awful.

That was two months ago. At first, I felt pretty blank, if a bit empty, and this lasted a few weeks. Then the stress developed. I started to worry massively about the future, about what I'd thrown away. I don't necessarily mean her, I mean the whole network associated with her. Her family are absolutely great, really level headed people, whose support I miss hugely. We've also shared friends for many years, some of which I know I'll not see again. There were days when the stress was so bad I just couldn't think of anything else. I was in a meeting at work and when my turn came to speak I just... couldn't. I made an excuse and went to get a drink, my colleagues assumed I was sick. But it wasn't that I was sick, it was the torrent of thoughts in my head, a rushing anxiety that swamped all my attempts to surface from it.

I wasn't sleeping - staying up late drinking, then waking up a full two hours before my alarm and immediately getting stressed out, unable to get back to sleep. I'm talking like 3 hours sleep a night. Last weekend I felt so bad, the knot in my chest was so awful, that I honestly thought I couldn't cope with this. I'm not saying suicidal exactly, but my thinking was; if I can't clear this bleakness from my mind, what kind of life is that? Is it worth the pain of carrying on with this stress? I phoned the Samaritans, who were OK but who were really just a voice to talk to followed by advice to see the GP. I phoned NHS Direct the gave similar advice. So I went to the GP, who thought that I was suffering from a reactive depression, gave me tablets to help me sleep and asked my to come back next week. That's pretty much where I am now.

What I suppose I'm saying is that I feel my reaction to this not normal. When I write down the facts of my relationship it seems quite clear that we had to split. The sex had gone to . I was avoiding her. We were doing our own thing. Regardless of how long you've been going out once that happens you have to move on.

But these are just words. The anxiety I feel over this is really crippling. I worry hugely that this was an enormous mistake, and that if only I'd tried harder to love her again we could have fixed things. I'm crashing with a mate at the moment, who's there some of the time, and I find being alone at the flat absolutely horrible, whatever I do to take my mind off it just doesn't seem to work. The knot in my chest remains and I don't seem to be able to shift it. I write stuff down in an attempt to stay calm, which works for a while, but eventually it snowballs and I'm freaking again.

I remember feeling this when I was with her, incredible anxiety over the conflict between losing feeling for her whilst feeling that I simply couldn't take the step of breaking up, because that would leave me alone. I've been with her most of my life, what the hell would I do without her? I didn't feel able to throw a relationship that took in my entire 20's away, so I was trapped, feeling like I didn't want to be there, feeling like I couldn't break up.

What's happened has happened. There is no going back, I know that. What I need is help with the stress that this is causing me. I find the sense of loneliness and loss absolutely enormous. I feel that a massive chunk of my life which I really, really valued, has been destroyed and I'm out here, alone, and scared to death. My ex and her family were brillilant people, really supportive and strong, and I feel that I've thrown away the chance of a normal, fairytale life, meeting in our teens, being together for years, then starting a family. All that time, all those experiences, gone.

Phew what an outpouring that turned into. Look, here it is; I'm as stressed as hell about this and I really, really want to work on it. I need to get rid of this aching sense of loss in my gut, this sense of panic that I've screwed my life up, this anxiety that I'm living with, from when I wake up to when the tablets send me to sleep.

Any advice or your thoughts are welcome

thanks!

[peggyhill]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I think that what you are feeling right now is normal. It sounds like you feel that you did the right thing by breaking up, but you're mourning the loss of not just your relationship with your girlfriend and with her friends and family. I think considering how long you two were together, that's a normal way to feel. I'm really glad to see that you went to the doctor, it's good that you're doing that since you're under a lot of stress right now.

Have you considered talking to a counselor? Sometimes it can really help you when you're trying to deal with stuff like this. It's also nice because you have know that you're going to have a chance at least once a week or so to sit down and have someone give you their undivided attention and to be able to let it all out in a safe environment. Also, try to stay as busy as possible. Get lots of work done, workout, join a club or take a class, volunteer, whatever it takes to fill up your day. You may feel like you are just going through the motions at first, but as time goes by you will feel better, and it will help keep your mind off things.

I saw a counselor a few years ago, and she told me something that really helped. I was grieving a loss in my life, and she told me to pick a time every day when I could just let all my emotions out. She said that doing this can help you heal. I picked a time in the afternoon after work. I would come home and cry, and look at pictures, remember the good and bad times. At first I was afraid that if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop, but after doing this for a few days, I realized that I wasn't as emotional at work and school, because I was giving myself that time to let my emotions out. That really helped me. As time went by, the times became shorter and less frequent, and then, one day, I woke up and realized that I actually felt pretty good! So make sure you do let things out, and if you feel like crying, cry.

I hope that you feel better soon! Let me know how things are going!

[jp1]

Well The Drinking And Staying Up Thinking About It Isn't Going To Help,the Drink Doesn't Make Anything Better It Just Numbs The Pain And Drowns The Memories For A little While,you Need To Keep Yourself Bizi Go Running,join The Gym,try Boxin That's Great Stress Relief. I Can Tell You By What You've Sed You Couldn't Of Stayed Like That You Would have Bin Living Alie

[talaniman]

You lost an awful lot of love, and support and some folks you loved and respected, for a long time, and it will take a long time to grieve, and get over it. PeggyHill has given you and excellent way to let it out. Don't try fooling yourself, by repressing those feelings, let them out, its okay you know.

[BILLYJADEN]

I know how you feel buddy. I am going through the same thing. Those lonely nights that you. I really need help myself. The difference is that my ex doesn't want to be with me because I choose my friends and partng over her. I really regret that because she is the love of my life.

[lesego]

Its not an easy thing to just move on when you`ve lost someone you really loved.but when you tell yourself that I'm moving on, then you will even if it seem difficult.everything in the world happens for a reason,breaking up means you 2 were not meant to be together.I think again the best thing to do is,tell him or her how you felt about him,how much pain did they caused for you,wish them agoodluck for their future,then afterwards,tell yourself that "now is time to move on".. Trust me guys,this one it works... talking from experience

[usachick]

All I can say is, to the first person who wrote on this , I'm going through the same thing, only it was a year and half for me. I feel like I am never going to find somebody else who I loved like her, Its really hard to deal with, it sucks, I'm missing work I feel like I'm missing out on so much, my mind is telling me completely different things all of the time. My advice is to stay close with your friends and let it all out, right now that's the only thing keeping me going :(